Title: Warning for Santos.
Author: Melissa
Rating: PG-13. Quick mentions of sex, slash and/or other.
Pairings: Hints to the following: Matt/Josh, Donna/Josh, Sam/Josh, CJ/Toby, Donna/Sam, Hoynes/Sam/Josh/Leo, Jed/Abbey, CJ/Danny, Josh/Amy.
Notes: Yet another dialogue/parody story. Have fun reading.
Toby's office. The White House
"Thanks for seeing me, Mr. Ziegler."
"Toby."
"Okay. Toby."
"Have a seat Congressman Santos."
"Matt."
"Fine."
"Nice couch."
"I'm going to begin now. I have a briefing soon."
"You're being briefed?"
"No. I'm briefing the press."
"I thought you were the communications director."
"I am."
"So why are you giving the press briefing?"
"I'm aware it makes no sense, but that's not why we're here today."
"Why am I here?"
"I don't know how close you and Josh have gotten in the past few months, but you need to understand something. Josh is still very vulnerable right now."
"Josh is vulnerable? Why?"
"He's still dealing with a tragic break-up. Honestly, I don't know if he will ever heal."
"Recently?"
"A few years ago."
"And he's still dwelling on it?"
"Josh was in love. It was the real thing. I won't lie, they were the sweethearts of this administration."
"Josh and Donna?"
"God no, that would make too much sense. No, Sam Seaborn."
"Sam Seaborn?"
"Do not ever say his name. Not here. Not anywhere. It's one of the laws we must follow to ensure our safety and history."
"Laws?"
"I will explain in a moment. Back to Sam."
"Josh and Sam were in love."
"Oh yes. You see, Sam was my deputy. They had been friends for many years, and could no longer deny the feelings inside of them any longer. Keep in mind, the walls in this section of the building are very thin. I would hear them at night."
"Sam and Josh?"
"They liked to make-out in Sam's office after a long and trying day. It was quite sweet."
"Just in Sam's office?"
"Oh no. My office has the couch, as you can see. Sometimes they would use it."
"When you left for the day?"
"No. I was usually still working."
"So, they would make-out in your office with you watching them?"
"Are you calling me a pervert?"
"No."
"CJ liked it. And watching it gave me talent. Hell, it inspired every State of the Union before Sam left."
"Wow."
"They stayed out of Josh's office out of respect for Donna. Poor girl."
"She's in love with Josh?"
"And Sam."
"Poor girl."
"When Sam left, Josh's heart broke in two. It was hard to watch him crash and burn."
"How did he crash and burn?"
"God, didn't you meet Amy?"
"Why are you whispering?"
"We don't mention her name, either. I hope you're paying attention. If you want to take over this White House, you need to know the truth."
"What truth?"
"We're getting to it."
"Should I be scared?"
"I should hope so. Anyway, where was I?"
"Crash and burn."
"Ah. Josh blamed himself. He tends to be a tragedy magnet around here. Sam ran for Congress in Orange County and subsequently lost. Some thought he would return, but he was never heard from again."
"What happened to him?"
"You see, this is why you are here. You must know the secret."
"What secret?"
"Sometime over the past eight years, a Place has been formed to hover evil and deception over our heads. This evil, it follows you around every minute of every day. No one is safe from it. The names of the people sent to 'the Place' should never be mentioned outloud because it upsets the 'powers that be'. They don't like us to remember those we've lost. "
"What is this place?"
"Mandyville."
"Mand..."
"Don't say it! As of now, you are safe from it. But if you win this election, you will see first hand the terror it holds."
"Terror?"
"People you love or care about begin disappearing. Some return later to haunt you; some stay gone forever."
"I'm scared."
"As you should be. I was hoping with Sam becoming Mayor a few years back, the evil would decrease. I was wrong. I think Sam was brainwashed."
"People have been taken?"
"I don't think I can continue."
"I need to know. Am I in...danger?"
"Not yet. You provide viewers, so the 'powers that be' won't touch you yet."
"Viewers?"
"It's a term they use. I still haven't found the correct definition. I think it has something to do with your looks. I heard it tossed around when Sam was here."
"What about my family?"
"Everyone you know will be at risk. Just look at President Bartlet."
"What?"
"His three daughters have been taken. The youngest, Zoey, has returned on occasion. But, she's no longer the sweet Zoey that once walked among us. She even brought a troll back from 'the Place' a few years ago. Charlie and I hid the body."
"How sad."
"They've also taken..."
"Who? Tell me."
"I have two kids. Had, anyway."
"I didn't know that."
"No one does anymore. Sometimes I don't even remember them. They're with my ex, who is one of the few citizens of 'the Place' who's allowed out on occasion. But she shows up at impromptu times and with no real purpose."
"I'm sorry, man."
"This is very hard for me because I'm an unemotionally unbalanced individual."
"I heard you were just a pain in the ass."
"That works too."
"What about CJ?"
"What about her?"
"Everyone knows you love her."
"Yes. I will admit my undying love for that woman. However, we have decided we cannot be together. She's worried about her baby."
"CJ Cregg has a child. I'm flabbergasted."
"No, her baby. Gail is her name. Feisty little bugger. CJ's waiting for the father to return from 'the Place'. She's afraid to hurt Gail."
"I'm sorry."
"I understand. I'm just meant to be a lonely old introvert with no future. I'm afraid I'm the next one who will be taken."
"To...'the Place'?"
"Yes. I suppose it wouldn't be such a bad thing at first. My children only know me as that old, bearded guy that always brings a lot of gifts with him when he visits. No! Mandyv... I mean 'the Place', is a horrible way to spend your life. I will not concede."
"Speaking of living your life, just what do you plan on doing after this job?"
"What do you mean?"
"After Jed Bartlet steps down as President."
"I'm not going anywhere."
"You can't stay here."
"The hell I can't. You want to try and remove me?"
"Not really."
"This is my office. I will never leave."
"You're not going to end up like Howard Hughes, are you?"
"I had this office exorcized last night. I'm safe as long as I stay here."
"You had the office exorcized?"
"Yes. Stanley Keyworth is also an Exorcist. He's also a Neurologist, Psychologist, Chef, burger flipper, and pizza delivery guy. He's going places. "
"Who is Stanley Keyworth?"
"He can play mind games. Because of that talent, he's been able to extract himself from 'the Place'."
"I was going to ask you earlier. Where are all of your secretaries?"
"They weren't strong enough to keep themselves safe. I can't blame anyone besides myself, I suppose. They trusted me to protect them, and I failed."
"It wasn't your fault..."
"The hell it wasn't! I sent them out for pie. Why couldn't I just eat those damn crackers out of the machine. Why! Damn this unfair world!"
"Those peanut butter crackers? Oh, those are the worse. They get stuck on the roof of your mouth, and you find pieces of them in your teeth hours later."
"I think you and I are on the same page, Matt. I'm happy to hear this."
"I'm having second thoughts now."
"About running for President?"
"No, about my budding romance with Josh. I don't want to feel like he's thinking about someone else when he's with me."
"I understand. Part of him died the day Sam left. And that Amy woman finished him off."
"I will never forgive her."
"No one will."
"So, I must keep denying the inevitable with Josh, and continue on with Helen?"
"I'm afraid so. I know it hurts. Look at the mess I'm in with CJ. We're meant for each other, yet we'll never be. Gail is a special gal, but she's also daddy's little girl. I'm sure CJ and I will sleep together before the end of the administration. As well as Josh and Donna finally getting together. But who knows how long any of it will last. We're stuck in a cycle of pain that won't end. My children will always think of me as being the year-long Santa, trying to buy their love with the newest toy. CJ will always feel guilty every time Gail gives her that disappointed look. Sam will always remain captive at 'the Place'. Josh will always be a tragedy magnet. Donna will always love two men, who only have eyes for each other. The President will forever have a bedtime that starts before the sun even goes down, which is punishment inflicted by Abbey for all the pain and suffering endured from remaining here after we lost one the most important person in our lives, Aaron Sorkin. He was before your time. Leo will probably be President in the next eight years, even after he will have had three more heart attacks and a stroke. Not surprisingly, Will finds out in a few years that he really has sold his soul to the devil. Kate will be turned over to missing persons over at 'the Place'. Annabeth will eventually get lost behind the podium and will never be found. Debbie will get attacked by an alpaca because of neglect. Carol will be the first woman President because...well, because she's Carol and she frightens people. Something she learned from her previous boss. Charlie will marry Zoey, and together will populate 'the Place' to staggering numbers I'm afraid to even look at. Bingo Bob will pop in and out like a jack-in-the-box for the next eight years, claiming injustice and attacking people at random. Hoynes will come out with a new book every year; which will include new secrets from the bedroom; Josh and Hoyes. Josh, Sam, and Hoynes. Hoynes and Leo. With a quick chapter going over the minute he tangled with CJ, then back to the long, descriptive chapters about one of his many threesomes with Josh and Sam. Nancy and Abbey will open a salon, and will charge a person extra for making any sort of comment about their hair. And work will be limited for the new administration because the ghost of Mrs. Landingham will haunt each member of the senior staff because she's pissed she can't work an oven to make them welcome cookies."
"Wow. Are you psychic?"
"Hell no. I've had the regrettable opportunity of working for the 'powers that be' for the past two years. I know how they think, which is why I'm probably on my way to 'the Place'. I know too much."
"Any last words of wisdom?"
"Whatever you do, Matt. Stay away from Marine One."
"Why?"
"Just trust me."
"I have one last question before I have to spend my lunch hour singing to and making flirtatious remarks to Josh, while passing it off as work related material."
"One last question, then we end this meeting and we walk out of here like nothing was ever said."
"Okay. I heard a rumor about Margaret."
"CJ's secretary?"
"She's missing now."
"Yes, sadly she is."
"She was pregnant."
"Yes."
"Who's the father?"
"One of the released citizens of 'the Place' named Bruno. Don't worry, I'm working on rescuing her."
"How?"
"Does it matter? I am Batman. Now get out of my office. I have to write a Presidential speech in five minutes, brief the press without making derogatory remarks, run away from Annabeth before she can give be a grade on my performance, pretend to accidentally run into CJ and flirt like crazy, tell the President something about himself that will cause him to have an episode of some kind, get beat up by the hands of Abbey Bartlet, and take my car in to get fixed."
"Wow. You really are Batman."
"Yes, but I am nothing without my Robin."
"Can I be Robin?"
"Sam is my only Robin."
"But Sam is gone."
"Say that again, and I'll kill you slowly."
"Are you a violent man?"
"This place and 'the Place' have driven me to this point. I'm certifiably insane, yet not so insane that I can't tell that I'm insane. Be sure you understand this before you try and win this election."
"I have no idea what you just said."
"This conversation is over. For reasons beyond my control, I have no secretaries. I'm sure you can see yourself out."
"Toby."
"Yes."
"Are you like, the Yoda of the White House?"
"I'm just the guy that does the thing from high atop the whatever."
The End