Authors Note : Hmm, so there has been a strange lack of reviews lately. pointed cough. Anyway, I'm hoping nobody has decided to boycott this story because they think it's ryan/alex. I can tell you know, it most certainly isn't. There were a few things that needed to be cleared up between those two though, hence the whole ryan alex bit going on. So I'm on holidays soon, hopefully I'll write a bit faster then. Please do review, no reviewing is making me sad.
Marissa was drinking again. Falling back into her old routine had been more than easy, it had been mindless. An endless circle of school, drinking and crashing on her bed before having to pry her eyes open and face another day without the girl she had loved and lost.
She drank until she became so disorientated that she was close to forgetting her own name. Still she could never seem to forget that one name. Like a stuck record thats repetition has become so incessant that it gradually seeps into your head until you keep hearing it, even though it has stopped playing long ago.
Only then was her consciousness so scattered that she could imagine that the wind in her hair really was the hands that she longed for. Skin softened by washing glasses and polishing counter tops, nail varnish chipped, proof of a long day and not enough time to get a manicure regularly. Hands that smelt of wood polish and an underlying scent of alcohol but mostly smelt of her. Smelt of safety and home, and promised arms wrapped around her and peace. Hands so unlike her own.
But then it would be gone, and the familiar bitter vodka would burn in her throat. Though she knew every contour of those hands she could never force her mind to conjure them up once again. It was then that she drank to pass out.
"Alex" Marissa woke with a start, gasping out the name as her hangover hit her. Feeling her hands grasp automatically at the empty sheets next to her she angrily snapped her arms back to her side. It was only ghosts she lay beside now. And the problem with ghosts was that they weren't Alex.
Marissa had been doing a lot of thinking. Lately she had found herself simply folding to the floor, lost in "what if" and in what should have been. After a great deal of introspection she had come to a conclusion. She needed to prove to Alex that she loved her and only her. It wasn't until she was gone that Marissa had realised this. She had even thought she loved Ryan still. But the all consuming thoughts of her that had wracked Marissa's mind since Alex's departure had shown her that perhaps with Ryan, she had simply needed a protector. A white knight. As hard as it was to admit it to herself, she had used him. It wasn't only Alex who deserved an apology.
Ryan was sitting in his car. Well actually he wasn't sure if you could call it sitting. His head was pressed against the steering wheel, eyes screwed shut tightly. He just couldn't deal with this right now he knew. It's amazing, he thought, you take so long to realise something, and then wait forever for the other person to realise it too, and the waiting stretches so far and is so hard that when they finally admit what you've been dying to scream at them all this time, it just numbs you. Overwhelms you. Too much waiting is a bad bad thing. Forget about the anticipation making things better. It just makes them harder.
Alex swung her arms happily in the Californian sun. She had a job, it was a beautiful day, and she had a friend now. Smiling broadly when she saw Ryan's car parked outside the flat her expression quickly turned to one of concern when she say the boy's posture. Alex walked over to the car.
Ryan felt a hand come to rest on his shoulder. He started, tensing up nervously.
"Hey, it's only me big guy."
Ryan sighed with relief. Only Alex. Alex he could handle. Looking up hesitantly he managed to mumble out a "Hi".
Sensing his discomfit Alex opened the car door and helped him out. Bringing him round to the passenger side she sat him down before sitting behind the wheel and turning the car on.
"Let's go for a drive"
They drove for over an hour. Down the beach front and heading out towards LA. They were on the freeway when Ryan found it in him to talk.
"She called. She apologised."
"Oh." Alex didn't have to ask who. In fact, it was better not to say her name, not to hear it.
"I waited so long. And now I don't know how to react." Ryan stared fixedly out the window, not wanting to have to look at Alex. Not really wanting to confide, but needing to.
Alex didn't say anything to that. What was there to say really. Instead she put out her hand and rested it on his arm. It took a few minutes before Ryan would continue, a few minutes and a few more exits passing on the freeway.
"Before, I needed that trust. That belief. Because at home, I had never had that. That's what the Cohens' gave me. And when she couldn't give it to me, I was terrified. Terrified that only the Cohens would ever trust me. Only they would give me a chance, and I would disappoint them because I couldn't get anyone else to believe in me." Ryan took a deep breath. He hadn't meant to say that. He'd meant to say something about being fine, and just shocked. Not about his innermost feelings. Goddamnit anyway.
"It's not only the Cohens. I trust you, I believe in you. And now Mar-..she has realised that she was wrong and she believes in you now."
"That's the problem. For months I thought this was all I needed to hear. Now I've heard it, it hasn't affected me like I wanted it to. Now, I realise, I never needed it." Ryan sighed, and it finally sunk in that her hand was still on his arm.
"Alex, pull over."
"Um ok. Give me a sec to find a garage, we are on the freeway Ryan."
The car pulled to a stop under the neon lights of a garage soon enough.
"So why are we stopping?" Alex turned to look questioningly at Ryan.
"So I can talk to you. Properly."
"So what did you want to talk about?" Alex was getting worried.
"You still love her don't you?"
"what? Ryan, why are you asking me that?" Alex became flustered, eyes flicking everywhere except at Ryan's face.
"Because, you helped me, and now I need to help you. You've been my friend when I couldn't talk to anyone else, you listened and you understood. Look. I've seen how nervous me hugging you, or touching you makes you. I don't know why, I can only assume it's because you're scared I want something more than friendship. Maybe, if the circumstances were different, I would. But I don't. I know you love her, and I know she loves you. I also know, I might have had more than a little to do with this breakup. So now I need to fix whatever it is I did that made you break up." Ryan's eyes were fixed on Alex's face. It was a lot to have said for the non talking type, and he was pretty sure there was a reason why he didn't like talking in the first place.
"I..Ryan." Alex felt tears welling up behind her eyelids. She couldn't speak, she knew, she'd cry. She just needed to sit here for a little. Get over the tears, because she wouldn't cry. The sudden feel of strong arms around her caught her off guard. Ryan reached over from his seat and swept her into a hug. He didn't know how else to treat her at this point. She was almost crying for god's sake. Responding to the hug Alex felt her will break, and Ryan felt the hot tears seeping through his t shirt as she sobbed into his shoulder.