Title: Team Fozzy Bear.
Author: Doc
Notes: I love writing these dialogue stories.
Characters: Toby and Sam
Rating: PG-13 for a few bad words.
Feedback: Let me know if I should continue with these.
"Hello?"
"Toby?"
"What?"
"It's me! How are you? I tried calling you at home, but I must have missed you. Your cell kicked the call right over to voice mail too. How's the twins? How is everyone? How..."
"Who the hell is this and how did you get my direct-line?"
"Toby."
"What?"
"It's Sam. Sam Seaborn. The guy that just about lived in the office next to yours for four years. How could you not know who I am?"
"Stop yelling!"
"This hurts my heart."
"Oh stop it. I knew it was you."
"Toby, you could never lie worth a damn."
"Well, I haven't heard from you in what? Three years?"
"Yeah, about that..."
"And you have the nerve to yell at me!"
"Sorry."
"No, I'm...why was I just about to apologize to you?"
"Because you sense the wrath that CJ will bring down on you once I tell her about this call."
"You would blab."
"Blab? God, has being the acting press secretary really been that damaging to your vocabulary?"
"Molly tells me Huck blabs all the time. I picked it up from her."
"Blaming your kids? What the hell has been going on over there?"
"I'm not sure, Sam. Since I'm acting communications director, acting press secretary, and performing as my OWN deputy, I've been a little behind on gossip that you and Josh soaked in when you both worked here."
"I talked to Josh. Matt Santos..."
"Please tell me you haven't called me after three years to back Josh up on his career choices."
"Nope. I called to talk to my old boss and pal. We can talk about Josh some other time."
"No thanks. I think I've had enough Lyman talk to last me a while."
"Wait, I thought you had a deputy?"
"Who?"
"The hot chick I've been seeing on the news. Small little thing. Looks like something the President could step on and not know about it."
"Annabeth. She's...media relations."
"Donna told me she's hunkered down in my old office."
"Hunkered down? This is why you lost the election the first time."
"Yes, but it is also the reason I won the second time. That, and the speeches you wrote and faxed me."
"I saw you applauding my work on the television. You're too tanned."
"This is California. You can't be too tanned. Ask CJ."
"I will not, nor will I ever get into a tanning discussion with CJ. Or Donna for that matter. I know too much about tanning lotion as it is because of those two and their special skin."
"Ainsley's the same way."
"Speaking of Ainsley, you pissed a lot of people off around here with that eloping business. Margaret dug out the voodoo dolls. One looks just like Ainsley. It's holding a muffin in the hand and everything."
"I sense mockery in your tone."
"No. I actually had fun watching Margaret show the First Lady how to put a curse on you from afar by using a piece of a banana."
"Banana?"
"It was complicated. But beware of speed boats and the word Spanky."
"Spanky? Isn't that what CJ called me?"
"Yep. It was her idea. If you hear the word, just fall to the ground and cover yourself. Or you and the missus will never procreate."
"Is this your subtle way of telling me NOT to come visit?"
"Well, I'm sure the President would like to see you."
"Okay, all this voodoo stuff is scaring me. Ummm...how's your health?"
"It sucks."
"Why?"
"The doctor thinks I need less...whatever. CJ, Carol, Ginger, Margaret, and Debbie have formed their own 'Get Toby Well' group. I'm seriously considering taking my own life. Charlie volunteered to assist me with my suicide mission."
"Didn't you two try that the year before I left? You somehow ended up shirtless on the bus."
"I don't want to talk about it. It was Charlie's fault."
"How's CJ dealing with the new job?"
"Well, it has been almost half a year since she's been promoted."
"I'm a little behind. She's not returning my calls."
"Margaret has converted her to the dark side. I laughed at first, but now it's starting to freak me out. The President thinks the men should build a control center and hideout dungeon."
"Sort of like, the Situation room?"
"Can't. CJ and Kate have taken over down there, apparently."
"Who's Kate?"
"Nancy's deputy. She's helping with the shuttle leak mess."
"I heard about that. Any luck?"
"Yeah, 'cause I'm going to tell you and commit some sort of felony. They're already eyeing me for this thing."
"It wasn't you, was it?"
"Yes Sam, it was. I'm just that stupid to ruin everything I've worked for."
"Sorry."
"Why? No one else seems to care."
"They do..."
"New topic. Have you gotten a hair cut?"
"Excuse me?"
"The last time I saw you you had muppet hair...Stop laughing at me!"
"I swear, I need to fly down and see you. These kids of yours have softened you."
"I would rather my children watch Sesame Street than that damn annoying dinosaur."
"Barney?"
"Don't mention the name! If I hear that damn song one more time, I'm attacking everything I come across that's purple."
"They're kids, let them live a little."
"I blame Andrea and CJ. Did you know they took my children shopping for clothes together? My son, bless him, now wears a hot pink jumper with a big-ass flamingo on the front. And why? Because Auntie CJ put it on him and told him he was adorable, and he won't take it off!"
"Your son has a crush on CJ? How sweet."
"Did you miss the part about him wearing pink clothes with weird looking birds stitched across the front of it? He's a traitor. Molly is my only hope."
"What does she wear?"
"Oh Sam! I got her a set of Fozzy Bear shirts I found on Ebay. Well, CJ's niece found them on Ebay for me and blackmailed me for them. But they are so adorable. And my little girl refuses to wear anything else because her daddy told her she was perfect. I swear, that kid will be successful."
"This doesn't sound at all like a healthy family environment."
"I know! I'm the only normal one left. They've all gone crazy."
"Okay. I'll take your word for it."
"You better. Now, what were we talking about? Oh, that's right. I need you to answer a question for me."
"Sure."
"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING MARRYING A REPUBLICAN!"
"Thanks for not making a scene or anything. God, I'm on the other side of the country and you can still embarrass me. And to correct you, I'm not marrying her. I've already married her."
"You spent all that time down there earning yourself a name for Congress, Sam."
"I love her, and she said yes. You were the one who told me I needed to settle down and start a family."
"I also remember saying that to Josh and Charlie at the same time. I don't see them sending me any marriage announcements. Or in your case, a letter explaining that you eloped during a regrettable drunken weekend."
"I was not drunk, and we married on a Thursday."
"You're a freak."
"I learned from the best."
"I am no freak. I'm a workaholic with a son who will only listen to you if you have breast's, a daughter whose current vocabulary is causing my exwife to threaten me with dismemberment, and now my old deputy is bopping around the west coast with his new bride and a bad tan. And people still ask me why I don't smile all the time."
"Are you mocking me again?"
"I'm going to hang up now."
"No! No! Please, we haven't talked in years. I miss you. I miss our talks."
"Really?"
"Yeah, your life is so screwed up, it makes mine seem perfect. See, I'm not depressed anymore."
"Well, I am."
"That sucks. But you made me feel better."
"Great. That's what I was aiming for."
"I miss your sarcasm."
"I'm going to hang up now. I have staff in a few minutes."
"That hot new girl didn't turn my office all girly, did she?"
"I don't know. It's not your office anymore."
"I know. But I thought you would make it into a shrine of Seaborn after I left."
"My memories of you are enough. I don't need a shrine. Or pictures. Or videotape."
"I get it."
"And stop calling her hot new girl, or I'll tell CJ to tell Ainsley."
"Now who's the traitor?"
"I am. I'm not ashamed to admit it. I can't believe you married a Republican."
"And I can't believe you still haven't asked CJ out yet."
"Shut up. Do you have any idea how scary it is to have her and Andi teaming together? I swear, it's like hell has frozen over."
"Did you mention before that CJ's niece was blackmailing you with Fozzy Bear clothing?"
"Hogan."
"Yeah. How is she blackmailing you? And what is she making you do?"
"She failed English in college this past semester. How she fails that, yet passes French with an A because the grade comes with a trip to France, is beyond me. I mean, she speaks English for crying out loud."
"Why did she go to you?"
"Her parents would have killed her. CJ would have made her suffer, then killed her. So she turned to trusty Toby. Or in other words ensuring that if she gets caught, I'll go down with her."
"Trusty Toby?"
"Shut up. Anyway, so in exchange for her to team up with me to find clothing that would be acceptable for my kids, I had to go down and talk her professor into allowing her to make-up her final."
"How did you manage that?"
"I'm very persuasive, Sam."
"You lied through your teeth?"
"Oh yeah. Hogan's professor intimidated the hell out of me. At the end of the meeting, I had homework due the next day."
"That's too much!"
"Stop laughing."
"Was it worth it?"
"Hell yes. I have Molly and Hogan on my side now. Huck will come around once I can make him believe girls have cooties. And then once CJ's no longer my boss, I can scare her into joining my team."
"Scare CJ?"
"Okay, you have a point. I'll have to pay her to change sides."
"You know, I'm almost upset I won't be there when everything breaks out into the war of the babies."
"I'm sure someone will take pictures to torture me with."
"I can see it now. 'White House Communications Director killed by a mob of angry women picketing for the return of everything Flamingo. In other news, Huck Wyatt Ziegler is treated for his addiction to CJ Cregg's chest."
"Yeah, and he can grope 'em all day without a second look. I try to touch 'em, I risk Margaret making a fortune selling homemade Toby voodoo dolls. Now I find myself living vicariously through my son."
"He's stealing your woman."
"I'll write her a love letter thing. She gets all mushy with those."
"Love letter thing? Yeah, I can see you sweeping her off her feet with your words."
"I can sweep any woman off their feet with my written words. It's when I speak, that I get myself into trouble. I should have my vocal cords removed."
"You've been awake longer than two days, haven't you?"
"Why?"
"Because you're talkative and sounding like Josh when he's drunk."
"I told you not to bring him up again."
"I'll try coming out next month. I'll get you drunk while your son goggles at CJ."
"That would be nice, Sam. The drinking part, not the goggle part. He can find his own woman. He does have eyes for the First Lady, but the President already gave me a lecture about his displeasure with the idea. Three hours that I'm never getting back."
"I should let you go to staff."
"Yeah, I'm late. Hey Sam?"
"Yeah?"
"Call more often."
"I will."
"Say hi to the republican for me."
"She's going to beat you with a muffin next time she sees you."
"I've been beat with things worse than that. Andi beat me senseless with a stroller last week because I said shit and Huck decided that was the word he would repeat for the rest of the day."
"Stay alive, pal!"
"The Fozzy Bear Team will win. You'll see."
"Whatever. Just make sure someone gets pictures of it all."
The End