Chapter 3
Remarkably calm and dazed as she might be, Emma still wanted to know more about her condition and what it entailed. So Dr. Nelson explained it to her.
Her cancer was metastatic pancreatic cancer, because it had started in her pancreas and spread. One of the places it had spread to was her liver.
"As you can see," Dr. Nelson explained, "One of the symptoms you have is jaundice. That's why your skin has that yellowish cast to it."
Emma stared at her hands and arms in horror. "I never would have thought. . . I have a naturally golden skin tone. My mom's dad, my Grandpa Merlo, was from Mexico. I just thought I was starting my summer tan."
"Well, this isn't your Mexican skin," he assured her, "It doesn't even look healthy."
He also explained that pancreatic cancer for someone her age was EXTREMELY rare. "If I hadn't seen the results of those tests upfront, I never would have believed it," he assured her, "And I think I've only heard of one or two other cases in my entire career. You had none of the normal risk factors involved, but cancer often happens that way. People with all the risk factors may never get it, and those who have none surprise us all."
"Like me," said Emma.
"Yes, like you," he replied.
One thing had been bothering Emma. "I know my cancer's spread too far for you to do anything, but I first started having stomach pains a couple of months back. If I had come in then, would you have been able to do more?"
Dr. Nelson shrugged. "Not necessarily. I don't know how advanced it was at that time."
It wasn't like she could blame Kristen anyway, Emma told herself. She didn't have to listen to Kristen when Kristen told her not to worry Stephanie. So it was technically Emma's own fault that it hadn't been caught sooner.
"Will I be able to go home?" she asked.
"I want to keep you several more days. There's nothing we can do to cure your cancer, but as I'm sure you know, it's quite painful. I want to test you on several pain medications to figure out which one will work best for you."
"Then I can go home?" she asked him.
He nodded. "Yes, Emmanuelle, then you can go home."
Emma was in a daze over her next few days in the hospital, trying to digest everything Dr. Nelson had told her about her condition. It was a lot to digest, worrying about a physics test one day and being told that you were dying and there was nothing anybody could do about it the next. Emma longed to pour out her feelings to someone, but she'd promised her mom that she wouldn't tell anyone what was going on, and Emma always kept her promises. Besides, it was obvious that her mom had become even crazier than she'd previously been and SOMEBODY in the family had to stay strong. That apparently had to be Emma. So she endured her mixed up emotions in silence as the doctors tried combinations of pain medication on her.
Emma managed a phone conversation with Max, assuring him she was all right. She wanted to tell him the truth, but she'd promised her mom. She got the impression that he didn't quite believe her though.
"Em, I don't bite," he said, "You know you can tell me anything."
"Max, I'm fine. Nothing's wrong," she assured him, "Don't worry about me."
"But I do worry," he said.
Emma sighed. Max. How was she going to handle this? She loved Max dearly, but she was going to have to let him go. It wasn't fair for her to hog him when she was just going to die within a few months. And she had to let him go in a way that wouldn't reveal anything that was really going on. She had to be the strong one through this. Stephanie certainly couldn't handle it.
The irony of the fact that she was the one being strong for her mom when she was the one that was dying didn't escape her. But there was nothing she could do about it.
Emma had received lots of cards from her friends those couple of days she was in the hospital. Her best friend, Raquel Samaniego, had sent her a stuffed cat, knowing how Emma loved cats. She also called constantly, but Emma found Raquel's calls way easier to field than Max's.
"So, you missed the absolute HARDEST physics test in the world," Raquel told her Monday afternoon, when Emma had been in the hospital three days, "Man, if I was in the hospital I would be the one missing physics. How come you get all the luck, Ella?"
Raquel was the only one who didn't call her Emma. Wanting to be nonconformist, but thinking 'Emmanuelle' was way too much, she had settled on Ella. When Emma had posed 'Noelle' she had disagreed.
"No way, Elle, you need a name for all year round. Noelle's such a seasonal name."
Well, there was another 'no' for Noelle, she had thought at the time, and decided to deal with Ella, which WAS cute in its own way.
Monday, however, her mind was far from what nickname she would prefer. "You might not believe me, Quel, but I actually miss physics."
"Ay, yi, yi, chica!" Raquel exclaimed, "Now I know why you're in the hospital. You've gone absolutely bonkers!"
"I thought you already knew that," Emma joked, "But you know, I do miss choir the most."
"Now there's the Ella I know and love," Emma could almost hear Raquel smile, "Diva Ella."
"Yeah, diva. That's me," Emma found herself giggling in spite of herself.
"Girl, you OWN the choir. You are going to end up a famous opera singer someday or something."
"You only say that because you're tone deaf," Emma told her. It did make her kind of sad to think about what Raquel had said. Emma had thought about pursuing a career in music ~ she'd always been good at singing, but this whole cancer thing was ruining that too.
"Just because I'm can't sing doesn't mean I don't know good music when I hear it," Raquel said hotly. And thus the conversation continued on.
She was really going to miss Raquel when she died, Emma realized. They had become best friends the first day of high school. Raquel Veronica Samaniego had been born in Ecuador and hadn't believed that someone with a name like Emma Kinney had Hispanic heritage. And it was the first time Emma had ever really thought about it. All of her grandparents had died when she was little, and so she never really connected to her Mexican side, never really known her grandpa Merlo. But when she was with Raquel, it was like she got to explore a brand new side of herself (despite the fact it had always been there). Plus Raquel was a blast to hang around, and the two girls ended up causing a lot of mischief when they were together.
It really wasn't fair, Emma thought. She didn't want to have to leave all the people she cared about prematurely. Max and Quel. Her stepsiblings (well, good riddance to Kristen, but the other two she'd miss) and her step dad. Her mom. Even though Stephanie had been somewhat crazy for the past nine years, Emma loved her mother dearly. Stephanie was the only blood relative she had left, and it worked the opposite way as well. Emma was jolted by that realization. When she died, her mom would be all alone. Sure, there were Mark, Sean, Kristen, and Michael, but it wasn't the same thing.
What kind of world was it where a girl with her kind of family history got diagnosed with incurable pancreatic cancer? Emma thought bitterly.
Emma was finally supposed to be released on Tuesday, with brand new pain medicine. She was just glad to be going home, and certainly not expecting anything out of the ordinary.
But it wasn't to be. Because when Emma woke up on Tuesday morning, she discovered a mysterious looking envelope on the pillow next to her head.
Remarkably calm and dazed as she might be, Emma still wanted to know more about her condition and what it entailed. So Dr. Nelson explained it to her.
Her cancer was metastatic pancreatic cancer, because it had started in her pancreas and spread. One of the places it had spread to was her liver.
"As you can see," Dr. Nelson explained, "One of the symptoms you have is jaundice. That's why your skin has that yellowish cast to it."
Emma stared at her hands and arms in horror. "I never would have thought. . . I have a naturally golden skin tone. My mom's dad, my Grandpa Merlo, was from Mexico. I just thought I was starting my summer tan."
"Well, this isn't your Mexican skin," he assured her, "It doesn't even look healthy."
He also explained that pancreatic cancer for someone her age was EXTREMELY rare. "If I hadn't seen the results of those tests upfront, I never would have believed it," he assured her, "And I think I've only heard of one or two other cases in my entire career. You had none of the normal risk factors involved, but cancer often happens that way. People with all the risk factors may never get it, and those who have none surprise us all."
"Like me," said Emma.
"Yes, like you," he replied.
One thing had been bothering Emma. "I know my cancer's spread too far for you to do anything, but I first started having stomach pains a couple of months back. If I had come in then, would you have been able to do more?"
Dr. Nelson shrugged. "Not necessarily. I don't know how advanced it was at that time."
It wasn't like she could blame Kristen anyway, Emma told herself. She didn't have to listen to Kristen when Kristen told her not to worry Stephanie. So it was technically Emma's own fault that it hadn't been caught sooner.
"Will I be able to go home?" she asked.
"I want to keep you several more days. There's nothing we can do to cure your cancer, but as I'm sure you know, it's quite painful. I want to test you on several pain medications to figure out which one will work best for you."
"Then I can go home?" she asked him.
He nodded. "Yes, Emmanuelle, then you can go home."
Emma was in a daze over her next few days in the hospital, trying to digest everything Dr. Nelson had told her about her condition. It was a lot to digest, worrying about a physics test one day and being told that you were dying and there was nothing anybody could do about it the next. Emma longed to pour out her feelings to someone, but she'd promised her mom that she wouldn't tell anyone what was going on, and Emma always kept her promises. Besides, it was obvious that her mom had become even crazier than she'd previously been and SOMEBODY in the family had to stay strong. That apparently had to be Emma. So she endured her mixed up emotions in silence as the doctors tried combinations of pain medication on her.
Emma managed a phone conversation with Max, assuring him she was all right. She wanted to tell him the truth, but she'd promised her mom. She got the impression that he didn't quite believe her though.
"Em, I don't bite," he said, "You know you can tell me anything."
"Max, I'm fine. Nothing's wrong," she assured him, "Don't worry about me."
"But I do worry," he said.
Emma sighed. Max. How was she going to handle this? She loved Max dearly, but she was going to have to let him go. It wasn't fair for her to hog him when she was just going to die within a few months. And she had to let him go in a way that wouldn't reveal anything that was really going on. She had to be the strong one through this. Stephanie certainly couldn't handle it.
The irony of the fact that she was the one being strong for her mom when she was the one that was dying didn't escape her. But there was nothing she could do about it.
Emma had received lots of cards from her friends those couple of days she was in the hospital. Her best friend, Raquel Samaniego, had sent her a stuffed cat, knowing how Emma loved cats. She also called constantly, but Emma found Raquel's calls way easier to field than Max's.
"So, you missed the absolute HARDEST physics test in the world," Raquel told her Monday afternoon, when Emma had been in the hospital three days, "Man, if I was in the hospital I would be the one missing physics. How come you get all the luck, Ella?"
Raquel was the only one who didn't call her Emma. Wanting to be nonconformist, but thinking 'Emmanuelle' was way too much, she had settled on Ella. When Emma had posed 'Noelle' she had disagreed.
"No way, Elle, you need a name for all year round. Noelle's such a seasonal name."
Well, there was another 'no' for Noelle, she had thought at the time, and decided to deal with Ella, which WAS cute in its own way.
Monday, however, her mind was far from what nickname she would prefer. "You might not believe me, Quel, but I actually miss physics."
"Ay, yi, yi, chica!" Raquel exclaimed, "Now I know why you're in the hospital. You've gone absolutely bonkers!"
"I thought you already knew that," Emma joked, "But you know, I do miss choir the most."
"Now there's the Ella I know and love," Emma could almost hear Raquel smile, "Diva Ella."
"Yeah, diva. That's me," Emma found herself giggling in spite of herself.
"Girl, you OWN the choir. You are going to end up a famous opera singer someday or something."
"You only say that because you're tone deaf," Emma told her. It did make her kind of sad to think about what Raquel had said. Emma had thought about pursuing a career in music ~ she'd always been good at singing, but this whole cancer thing was ruining that too.
"Just because I'm can't sing doesn't mean I don't know good music when I hear it," Raquel said hotly. And thus the conversation continued on.
She was really going to miss Raquel when she died, Emma realized. They had become best friends the first day of high school. Raquel Veronica Samaniego had been born in Ecuador and hadn't believed that someone with a name like Emma Kinney had Hispanic heritage. And it was the first time Emma had ever really thought about it. All of her grandparents had died when she was little, and so she never really connected to her Mexican side, never really known her grandpa Merlo. But when she was with Raquel, it was like she got to explore a brand new side of herself (despite the fact it had always been there). Plus Raquel was a blast to hang around, and the two girls ended up causing a lot of mischief when they were together.
It really wasn't fair, Emma thought. She didn't want to have to leave all the people she cared about prematurely. Max and Quel. Her stepsiblings (well, good riddance to Kristen, but the other two she'd miss) and her step dad. Her mom. Even though Stephanie had been somewhat crazy for the past nine years, Emma loved her mother dearly. Stephanie was the only blood relative she had left, and it worked the opposite way as well. Emma was jolted by that realization. When she died, her mom would be all alone. Sure, there were Mark, Sean, Kristen, and Michael, but it wasn't the same thing.
What kind of world was it where a girl with her kind of family history got diagnosed with incurable pancreatic cancer? Emma thought bitterly.
Emma was finally supposed to be released on Tuesday, with brand new pain medicine. She was just glad to be going home, and certainly not expecting anything out of the ordinary.
But it wasn't to be. Because when Emma woke up on Tuesday morning, she discovered a mysterious looking envelope on the pillow next to her head.