15th July, 1996
So here I am, St. Mungo's. At the moment I'm waiting for them to run some diagnostic tests. Hopefully then they'll have some idea how to get rid of this jinx and maybe even what triggered my memory loss or how to get it back. I admit, I'm a bit nervous, but I so very desperately want my life to get back to normal. And if this is what it takes…well, then, I'll take it.
Oh, they're ready for me!
Later
I…I can't write. I feel ill. Absolutely ill. In fact, I think I'm going to be ill ri –
16th July, 1996
I feel so shaky I don't know what to think except every time I think about it I feel nauseous again.
Someone did it purposely! They…they found – someone used an Obliviate on me, and that's why I can't remember all those things!
I've met Obliviators before, at Ministry functions and the like. I never thought about their job one way or the other; they were simply there to make sure Muggles didn't find out about our society.
In the span of fifteen minutes, my opinion of their line of work and the spells they use has changed drastically.
I…I can't – oh, they want to talk to me. I suppose I can come back to this later.
Later
Well then.
I had a long talk with the Healers. They've gone over all the diagnostic tests pertaining to both my face and the memory charm. As far as the Obliviate goes, they say it was powerful, but not overly so, and done cleanly. As if that's supposed to make me feel better. But they said that they should be able to reverse it. That it will be a long, difficult and very delicate process, because if something goes wrong I might end up brain damaged, but they're pretty sure it can be fixed, if I wanted it.
I answered them straight away. Yes. Very much yes. I'm not a huge risk taker, usually…
But this is my mind. These are my memories. I want my life back. I want to remember what happened. I'm tired of everyone remembering something I don't especially as it pertains to me!
Will I like these memories? I don't know. But I have the right to know. I have the right to access what's in my mind. I was violated by…someone and I don't want them to get away with it.
I want my life back, for better or worse.
18th July, 1996
The Healers are nothing if efficient here, much more so than Madam Pomfrey at school, though I suppose since there are more of them here, it's to be expected. In less than two days, they've grown out my fringe so to have better access to my face, at least, and run all sorts of tests as far as the splotches are concerned. They haven't yet figured out how to cure them, but they have managed to make them itch a bit less, which is somewhat of a relief.
As far as my memory goes, they've started on that. It appears there is a combination of potions I'll need to take, and spellwork they'll need to do. It's rather a frightening experience to be lying there with a wand pushed to your head so they can search for the beginnings of the tread that has tied my memory up and start to unravel. I don't remember anything yet, but they say I will soon, and that they're making good progress. I suppose I'll have to believe them.
19th July, 1996
So, there was a meeting. In the Hog's Head. And I didn't want to go, but Cho asked me and after everything that had happened with Cedric, what kind of friend would I be to refuse to go? She said that it was for a Defence study group and it would be good if I came to hear what they had to say, at least, that maybe it could help with my defence mark. And so I went.
It…wasn't a very good time, though. First, first Hermione Granger actually said You-Know-Who's name! In public! I was so shocked and scared and they kept saying he was back, but only one person was really questioning him – some Hufflepuff. I was much too scared to. Then they went through this list of all these things Harry Potter had supposedly done, things I'd heard rumour of, of course…
Anyway, they all agreed we'd take lessons from Harry once a week or so and then Hermione Granger had us all put our names down on a parchment. And said that doing so meant we were agreeing not to tell anyone about it. But at the time, it would have been a perfectly legal club, so I certainly didn't see why it was necessary. And I really didn't want to sign – and I wasn't the only one, but then we all did. And I was so vexed at Cho, for making me come, and then she was being all slow about leaving.
So then this must have been the start of that DA thing. And apparently I never wanted to go.
22nd July, 1996
They've managed to lighten the colour on my spots a bit. They're still quite prominent and it's embarrassing to be here at St. Mungo's with a giant 'SNEAK' across my nose, but I suppose I'm not the worst case that's here. I saw a gentleman come in earlier who was all blue with a tail and an elephant nose.
At least it seems like more progress is being made as far as my memories go. I'm remembering more and more each day. It was a couple days later, I guess, then, that Harry's Defence group became an illegal club. I didn't want to go back after that; I told Cho that Mum wouldn't like it if I did, but she told me that it would be okay, that Umbridge wouldn't have to know. That it was important and it would really help my marks and that she needed me to come along.
And then the next day Mum Owled me to tell me that Harry Potter was talking to Sirius Black through the Floo Network.
I still can't get my brain around that one. I mean, I've been keeping up with the Prophet while I've been here, and Harry is being praised as the saviour of the Wizarding World. There's definitely a War going on. You-Know-Who is back in full force, and we'll have to depend on the Boy Who Lived.
But everyone knows that Sirius Black is a dangerous and deranged criminal on the loose. He killed twelve Muggles and a wizard! With one curse! And was a staunch supporter of You-Know-Who.
So…it doesn't make sense why Harry Potter was talking to him. Maybe Mum didn't see right when she was patrolling the Floo. I mean, she certainly wouldn't have lied to me, not after the way I was raised. So maybe it wasn't Harry Potter or Sirius Black or…
I'm so confused.
27th July, 1996
So, I guess I did go, after all. Cho convinced me to go to the first meeting. We elected Harry as leader and that's where the name 'DA' came from. Cho suggested it as 'Defence Association' but Ginny Weasley changed it to 'Dumbledore's Army' – not a name I was comfortable with it the least, but the majority of the members liked it, so there it was.
Then he had us practising 'expelliarmus' and it was all going well until he came over to see how Cho and I were doing and she got flustered and set my sleeve on fire. I actually managed to extinguish it first try, which was pretty good for me, but I couldn't help glaring at Harry because I'd almost been doing fine before. And then Cho was telling him how I didn't want to be there, because my parents forbade me to – talk about flustered! She's never known my dad – he's not been alive for over fourteen years now. By then I knew she liked Harry but felt bad because of Cedric, but still…I don't know.
31st July, 1996
The Boy Who Lived's birthday. The Prophet made mention of it, of course. Him and his stupid meetings.
Sometimes I wonder if there are some things better left forgotten, but then I quickly remind myself that it is better to know. I'm still not sure why I have 'SNEAK' written on my face, but it does feel good to finally know some of the things Cho was talking about over the spring. But anyway…
That first meeting of the DA ended late, and I hadn't finished my coursework for Umbridge. So I finished it rather hastily, and while generally I did better in Umbridge's class than my other DADA classes to date, mostly because I can do the book stuff, it's the practicals that give me trouble, that particular assignment was way below my standard of work. And she knew it. The next class she took me aside and told me that my work had been well below par and she would have to tell my mother. I was relieved that she hadn't figured out that it was because I'd been at a secret meeting, but…
Well, Mum sent a Howler after Umbridge told her. I was just expecting a normal letter outlining her disappointment – I mean, I'd never received a Howler before. Remembering…oh, it was mortifying, and I was so confused as to why she did that when she generally likes to keep these things private…but perhaps it was to prove to Umbridge that she had taken care of the situation. Umbridge was high-ranking in the Ministry last year, after all, and Mum was working under her patrolling Hogwarts. It makes sense that she felt she had to prove to Umbridge that she was aware there was a problem and she was doing something about it.
Still, so embarrassing.
2nd August, 1996
I left St. Mungo's for the afternoon today so that Mum and I could go to the restaurant we always go to on her birthday, the one Dad took her the Summer they met and has become a yearly tradition since. I still had to wear a scarf and Mum asked that we be seated near the back, so that no-one would be able to see the letters that still adorn my face. They've faded a bit more, and they no longer itch at all, so there is some progress being made. They just seem to be giving the Healers trouble, like they don't want to go away. Even the blue man has been cured by now, and it's despairing.
I'm remembering now how much Cho cried. She cried after she kissed Harry Potter for the first time. That was the last meeting before the hols, and she told me I could go ahead, and she stayed behind with Harry. And I was thinking about the meeting, fretting about it, because on one hand, I was actually slowly improving, but on the other, I knew Mum wouldn't like it if she knew and I was going to be home and it was going to be even harder to look at her and not tell her.
And then Cho came in crying because she'd kissed Harry and she liked him, but what about Cedric's memory? And I didn't know what to tell her and I felt terrible.
Without my memories, I hadn't been surprised that I'd failed my Apparition test when I went over Christmas hols. But now that when I think of all that was going on around the time of my seventeenth birthday and hols with Cho and the DA…it really would have taken a miracle for me to have passed it. I really was in quite a bind by then with Mum on one side and Cho on the other and being a good daughter and being a good friend and wondering if Harry really was communicating with a mass murderer. It's amazing to think I made it through each day.
8th August, 1996
Things are beginning to make a bit more sense – what I was thinking at the time. Because, of course, no-one knew that You-Know-Who was really back. I know I certainly didn't believe it. I mean, Harry said so, but he was obviously unhinged if he was communicating with someone who would help ten dangerous Death Eaters escape from Azkaban. I do believe I thought Harry was trying to take over You-Know-Who's spot. Why else would he be fraternising with Death Eaters, after all? Unless he'd convinced them to switch their allegiance to him. Knowing what the Prophet says now, and knowing that You-Know-Who really is back, my line of thought didn't make much sense, but at the time, it was the only way I could reconcile things. After all, I didn't think the Ministry would lie.
Then Harry and Cho went on a date for Valentine's at Hogsmeade. And it went horribly. Now I remember what Cho was saying about me making her tea –I did make her tea and let her cry on my shoulder about how Harry liked Hermione Granger better and how he didn't want to talk about Cedric and I felt ever so worried for her because although she believed Harry's story, I knew that if he was in contact with former Death Eaters…well, if it hadn't gone well, who was to say that Harry wouldn't try to exact some sort of revenge upon Cho? I told her of my fears, but she brushed them off. Upset or not, she was still under whatever spell Harry put her under. I mean, that had to be it.
11th August, 1996
Cho and I had a row about Harry. Because of that article in The Quibbler. She wanted me to read the interview he'd put in it and I refused to because I said it was all going to be lies anyway and it was illegal and I didn't want to be expelled if I was caught reading it. And she got frustrated and said that Harry had been brave to write it and I wasn't giving him a fair chance and I told her she was accusing the Ministry of lying to us all and that everyone knows the The Quibbler is rubbish.
It was terrible. It was like I was the only one who could see the danger we were all in from Harry Potter and his little club.
It wasn't that long afterwards Trelawney was sacked and we had Professor Firenze. And that was fairly close to the time the spots appeared.
This means that soon enough I'll know what happened.
17th August, 1996
Merlin.
I'm a terrible person. Beyond terrible.
I'd hoped I really hadn't done what they said but I did and
…
I can't write here.
23rd August, 1996
I've not been able to do much at all these past few days. I'm so incredibly stupid. I'm surprised Cho answered the Owl I sent her and still says that she'll stay by me. I wouldn't.
I was doing rune casting for Divination – the reading I couldn't remember last term when I was looking at my notes. I kept getting Thurisaz reversed. Betrayal, indecision, defencelessness. And I was thinking about the DA at the time, because by then, it was nearly all I could think about. And it told me all I needed to know…all I thought I needed to know. I thought it was saying that someone knew about us, would turn us in. That we would all be expelled. Mum would be fired and I could tell she was already stressed enough at work. We couldn't afford for her to lose her job.
So…I thought that maybe if I went ahead and told, I would beat this other person at their game. And if I did it, maybe I could use the fact that I've grown up with the Ministry, and that Umbridge trusted mum well enough to explain that Harry had bewitched everyone, and that it was really his fault, his and Hermione's. And to please not to hold the rest of us responsible for getting into something above our heads and then being scared to leave. That Cho should not be expelled. I thought I could do it.
And I didn't realise that the runes were talking about me.
So I told Cho I wasn't well enough to go to the meeting, and she believed me – I must have looked terrible enough for her to believe me. And then I paced the room while our other roommates were off in the library studying for exams. And it took a while, because I wasn't sure this was really the right thing to do, but on the other hand, it seemed like the only thing to do, but finally…I went.
And so I went to tell Umbridge, to plead my case. Except once again I was feeling that…well, that indecision indicated by Thurisaz reversed. And so…I told her about the Room of Requirement, and that if she went there, she'd find something interesting. She immediately was pressing me for more details and I started to say that there was a secret meeting, but…
And as this was happening my face was tingling and I looked up and caught my face in the mirror above her fireplace.
And there I was, branded.
And that's when I realised I was predicting my own future and I knew I had said too much but hopefully I could save a bit of something by not saying anything more. And my face. It looked terrible and it said I was a Sneak and I was a Sneak and I'd made the wrong decision and she finally got annoyed and just left me there, in her office. And I was defenceless. I knew that if she was going to expel Cho and everyone else that I came in with the intention of saving from expulsion, I wouldn't be able to do anything.
Then she came back to take me to Dumbledore's office and the Minister was there, and Harry Potter, and they could all see what a horrible mistake I'd made and how horrible my face looked and it was completely and utterly mortifying. They were discussing the meeting in the Hog's Head, and how that one had been legal, but the subsequent ones had not, but could anyone prove they'd existed?
And I didn't want to. I'd been thinking about my dad and if he'd have lied in this sort of situation. Probably, as it seems like a very Gryffindor thing to do. And it seemed like the only way I could possibly save everyone from expulsion. And I know that generally I'm a terrible liar, but things were so crazy in the room at the moment, that if they asked me and I had shaken my head 'no' I might have got away with it. And so I was going to.
And that's when the spell must have been cast because after that, all I can remember is wondering where I was and why I was there and then they were asking me about the meetings, but I didn't know what meetings they were and Umbridge shook me and that's still a bit blurry, honestly, because of the spell and not knowing what was going on.
Now I know why I have the word SNEAK on my face. It belongs there. Because that's what I am.
Merlin, I'm so very ashamed of myself.
24th August, 1996
The good news, if there's any, is that the spots finally came off. My face looks like me again. I'm not sure how they finally figured out what the catch was to make the spell disappear, but they did, and now no one can see what I am inside.
I'll be going home in a bit. I can't say that I'm upset to leave the hospital at all. If I never see the inside of another one, that'll be good enough for me.
I'm having a hard time looking at Mum. I know that she really didn't know any more than me at the time, that she didn't purposely lie to me, but still, I feel like I disgraced our name.
And I don't even know how I'm going to manage to go back to the school and face everyone I betrayed again.
31st August, 1996
Well, here I am. I'm heading to Hogwarts again tomorrow. I do hope that…well, at least I'll have Cho. I don't know what it's going to be like, but I do know that as I deserved everything I heard last year (although, the logical part of my brain points out that I didn't remember then), I would deserve anything more that came my way.
I know I ought to apologise. I hope I find the courage to.
I don't think I'll be writing any more in this. I want to keep these memories, but I think at this point, this book has completed the purpose for which Cho gave it to me.
I know, I remember, and I'm never forgetting again.