I could barely sleep that night. I was so angry at Amy, at myself, and at Matt. I couldn't stand him, or anyone for that matter. I kept looking at the bed my son was in. How could I do this to him? How could I get so wrapped up in myself and put him on the side? And, how could I marry Matt? I couldn't. I couldn't marry Matt, and I couldn't keep putting my son off like I was. If only life was so easy.
With that on my mind, and a possible suspension, I gave up sleeping. I had put my heart into this business and it was slowly losing everything that drew me to it. It was losing it's appeal. Marriage was losing it's appeal too. I didn't love Matt, I didn't. What was I doing?
I was sitting in a chair when Matt woke up. He rubbed his eyes and looked at me, and then his son. He sat up and adjusted the covers on the bed.
"Hey, hun." He said to me.
"Hey." I replied.
"How are you?"
"All right." I turned around.
"Damn, your eye swelled up."
I felt it, and it hurt. "Shit, really?"
"Yes, really. I told you, that fight was a bad idea."
I nodded. "Will you take him in the shower with you?"
"Matthew? Sure thing. You feeling all right?"
"No, Matt, I'm not. I got into a huge fight last night, one I am feeling now. And my career's in the balance. So, Matt, I'm feeling pretty shitty right now."
"Jesus Christ, Destiny, you don't have to be so damn uptight about it."
"Things are going just a little bad for me now. I think I am intitled to be just a tad uptight."
"What has gotten into you?"
"Look around, Matt, things are shit right now. Things are very fucked up."
"Would you watch your language around him."
"Look, I'm sorry. I'm edgy, very edgy. And, I don't need anyone pointing anything out to me. It's all fucking clear to me now." I got up.
"Where are you going?"
"For a walk around the floor. I'll be back, and I'm taking him. Have him ready, please." I answered. "You can do whatever you want while I have him. Go out, see a movie, hang with your brother, nail a few girls."
"Wait, what?" He asked, then I closed the door.
Lets add another thing to the list, PMS, and boy was it coming bad. I was about ready to explode, hemorrhage is more like it. I was on a path of rage fueled by a feud that was on the road to explosion, a near marriage that would be hell if it happened, and hormones.
I started walking around the hotel. I wanted to take my son back from Matt, I wanted to be with him. I wanted out of that room. I wanted it to be like it was a year ago. Jeff and I were in love, I thought that's the man who be the one standing at the end of the aisle, waiting for me. I envisioned him being the father of my children. I never envisioned this as my life, with Matt. Why did I do this? I wanted things to be better with my son, but things were getting worse.
When I returned, Matt had Matthew all set up. Without speaking, I took my son and left. I had nothing to say to him. I had his bag and a stroller and left. I saw Adam downstairs and he came up to me.
"Any word?" He asked. I shook my head. "You taking Matt out?" I nodded. "Why so quiet?"
"Right now, I am on the edge." I told him.
"Des, let me hang on to the kid." He took Matthew from me. "By the way you look, I think it's best if I hang on to him."
"You don't think I can handle my kid?"
"No, it's not that. I just think you need some time to cool off." He took the bag and the stroller. "Trust me."
That pissed me off more. I walked away, to my car. I got in, blasted the radio and took off. In the events that followed, I was glad I saw Adam down there. I almost didn't. I almost didn't see him down there. And, I thank God I did.
As I was driving down the road, I was consumed by my anger. It was all I could think about. Everything was wrong, everything pissed me off. I sped down the road, not thinking about anything but how horrible everything was. I was driving fast and hard. I didn't slow down around a curve and started to swerve. Fortunately for me, the car didn't flip or turn on it's side. But, as I looked to my left, the carseat that would have held Matthew, was torn in half.
I got out of the car and started walking. I felt warm dripping down my face, and knew I was split open. I could walk fine, and to the best of my knowledge, nothing else on me was that hurt. I considered myself lucky. All I knew, I had a gash on my face, somewhere, and my stomach hurt.
A few minutes later, I was still standing by my car when an ambulance arrived. The put my on a stretcher and sent me away. There, I found out that I had a huge gash on my head, and I told them my stomach hurt. They took note and told the doctors at the hospital. I gave them Paul's cellphone number.
I was in such a daze that I couldn't tell you what happened when you asked me. I didn't know if anything else was hurt on me, and what the car looked like. At that moment, I was in shock and I had no idea what just happened to me. All I knew, I crashed my car, and I'm bleeding, and my stomach hurts. What else? I had no idea.
"My stomach hurts." Was all I said.
"All right, hunny. We're going to make sure you'll all right. We're going to stitch your head up just as soon as we know what's bothering you in your stomach." A nurse told me. I felt comfortable and I felt safe.
Because of my profession, and previous injuries, I needed a full work up. My stomach was bruised, nothing serious. Something that had started because of the fight. I was in the clear. I was sitting in a hospital bed, thanking my lucky stars that I was alive and well.
"Destiny, someone is here to see you." The same nurse told me. Seconds later Paul, and Paul alone, came in.
"Oh, God, I came as soon as I heard." He rushed to my bed.
"I'm fine."
"Thank God." He said. "The hospital called me and didn't give me any information. I was driving here thinking the worst."
"Where's Adam?" I asked. "I have to thank him."
"I'll talk to him when I get back with everyone." Paul said.
"Tell him I say thank you. He'll understand."
Paul nodded. "What happened?"
"I don't know. I remember driving, and then being crashed." I answered. "It happened so fast, I don't even know what went wrong."
"I'm just happy you're safe." He took my hand.
"When am I going to get out?" I asked.
"I don't know. Don't worry about that." He told me. "You're alive."
I was alive, and I didn't have to be. All I could think about was the image of the carseat and how Matthew could have been there. I mean, the car was totaled. Seeing pictures, there was a lamppost involved, and my car wrapped around it. And, all I came out with was a gash on my head and a bruised stomach, actually a bruised liver, but whatever.
Before he left, Paul said he would explain what happened to everyone and try to get something out of Vince. I nodded and watched him leave. When the door closed, I started to cry. Look what I was turning into. Someone I truly didn't want to be. I was dealing with a lot on my plate. I knew one thing, I knew I had to talk to Matt and end this. There was just no way I could go on pretending I was in love and pretending to play a role I couldn't do.
I didn't expect anyone to come down that night. Infact, I didn't expect everyone to come down. Well, not everyone, but a few people. Adam was down, with Matthew. I thanked him a million times over. He told me he knew if that it wouldn't be right if Matthew was with me. But, he didn't know this would happen.
"I knew that it wouldn't be safe for him. You were angry, and I know how you tend to be." He told me. "I had no idea all of this would happen."
"I don't know how I can repay you."
"No need." He smiled and hugged me. Of all my visitors, one surprised me the most, Vince.
"Vince?" I asked.
"This may not be the best time, but I did want to see how you were."
"Fine." I answered.
"Good. I talked to the doctors. You're out a month."
"Damn." I said. "It's the bruised liver, isn't it?"
"It is. I'm not going to pay you for this time off." He told me. "Think of it as your suspension." I nodded. "You understand that you are not allowed on a World Wrestling Federation televised event or house show. You cannot show up at a hotel holding WWF superstars."
"I know." I said. "I know."
He promptly left. That made me feel so much better. Tears fell from my eyes. I knew I was alone now, and was allowed to cry. And, I did until there was a knock and I heard Jay's voice. I wiped my eyes and told him to come in.
"I called Chris." He told me. "He wanted to come down, but I told him it's best he stay where he is. You're fine."
"Thanks, Jay. Means a lot." I replied.
"You don't need this." He said, meaning the hospital. "It's more restrains for you, and that's the last thing you need."
"At least someone understands." I said. "Vince let me go."
"What?"
"I got a month here. No pay. Punishment."
"Oh, you had me worried. Well, I can't say you didn't deserve it. But, I also can't say I wouldn't have done the same."
"Tell me this isn't a dream? Someone's actually understanding me? I don't believe this." I said with a little sarcasm.
"No, I mean it. If someone invaded me the way Amy did for you, I'd make sure I hurt them so badly, they wouldn't be able to talk about what I had done to them."
"I didn't get the chance." I said. "OK, so I did go a little out of the way, a little extreme. But, with good reason."
"Right. Take the month. You needed it before. Cool off. Take Matthew, or don't take him. And, go somewhere. Not New York. Someone where you can lay low and relax." He reached into his pocket. "Here, it's the key to my house in Florida. Chris lives right next door if you need him. Take it. Chill out there."
"Jay, I can't take this." I said.
"Take it. Sweetheart, you need it. It's not like you're putting me out any. I'll be on the road. And, when I'm not, I don't mind being with you. I live alone, if you forgot. I could use the company when I'm home."
"Will you be?"
"Not sure. I'm either booked this whole week or the next, I'm not sure."
"Thank you so much, Jay." I said. He bent down and hugged him. "This means so much."
"Least I could do." He told me. "There's no better place to chill out then Florida, right?"
"Right." I smiled.
Jay was a breath of fresh air. He lifted my sprits, and made me feel so good. He wasn't going to dwell on what happened, he wasn't going to remind me of anything. He was there to talk about now, and he made me feel so good inside. He wasn't going to talk down to me, and make it seem like I had done everything wrong. That would come later, and by a man I'm supposed to love.
When he left, Matt came in. I was in such a good mood from Jay that I was happy to see him, believe it or not. I had a smile on my face. But, Matt didn't. He sat down and looked at me. My smile slowly faded.
"Vince made a decision." He said. Goddamnit! "See, I told you. What did I tell you? Look what you got yourself into."
"Matt, it's not like I can fight anyway." I told him. "I've got this month completely out. And, I'll unfortunately ride coattails until I can get in there."
"If you didn't do any of this, you wouldn't be here, would you?"
"Not now, but I would have been someday down the line." I said. "Why can't you see that?"
"What you did to Amy was wrong. What you did to the company was wrong."
"Since when have you gave a damn about Amy?" I asked.
"I don't. But what you did, that was wrong. And she got hers too, and she deserved it. But, you've got more on the line than she does."
"Leave." I told him. "Leave." He looked at me as if I was crazy. "Do you not understand English, leave!"
And he left. I was through with him and the bullshit. Matt and I were not meant for each other. Matt and I were meant to be friends, like family. Love was not meant for us. And, we knew that. We tried, sort of, and failed. We mistook sexual tension for something. Something I don't even know what.
I was going to take my son and go to Florida. Chris was right next door, and for five days, he'd be there. And, when he wasn't, his wife would be. And she was a doll. Also, the house was on the water, I was there once before, last year, after everything happened. And, it was a generally calm and peaceful place. It was going to be perfect for Matthew and myself.
I didn't want to see anyone, again. I was sick of people and I was sick of their phony personalities. I was sick of the rules I was going to have to follow. It seemed that I was the only one who had to follow them. Everyone was able to come and go as they pleased, I had to sit and be forced to conform and abide by the rules. It seemed that I was the problem and everyone else was able to do what they wished to me.
I was able to leave two days later. Jay came down to get me. He asked and offered to take me to the hotel. I didn't know what to say. As he drove he looked over at me. I knew he wanted to say something.
"What happened with Matt the other day?" He looked at me.
"Nothing. He's an asshole." I answered.
"What happened?" Jay asked, sounding concerned.
"Nothing, he's an asshole."
"Yes, you said that. But why?"
"In his eyes, and apparently everyone else's, I'm the problem. The whole Amy situation was my fault."
"That's not true. If she didn't push, you wouldn't have done what you did."
"If only I could have married you."
Jay smiled. Jay and I always had a special kind of bond. The incident that happened over a year ago was still in our minds, and it won't go away. I can't say it's the same tension that Matt and I have, but it's in a way, the same. With Jay, I knew something could be there, if we tried. But, neither of us wanted to try. We didn't have the desire to hook up nor spend the rest of our lives together as one. Jay was my best bud, and that's how it was going to stay. Matt and I had enough of that sexual tension to mistake it for anything.
"You're only going to be happy with one person, Destiny. And, I think you should set some things straight with him, and with the one you're going to tie the knot with. You know you're not going to be happy with Matt, you won't. He's not right for you, not at all. He's like your family, and he should be your family. You and Matt can't last a day together, as a couple. There's no way. OK, so you have a child together. But, that doesn't mean you have to give up everything to try and make it work. It could be worse on Matthew if you marry Matt. Stick with what you know." Jay told me. "It's noble, it really is, but you have to think about what you're getting into. You're going into waters you haven't traveled, and that can be dangerous."
"I know it is. And, I'm now thinking about it, and I now know it's worthless if I try. I want one person, I know where I belong."
"Then go there."
"You don't understand, Jay, I can't. Not anymore."
"You can." He stopped the car. "You can."
Jay got out and opened my door. I walked in to my room and got my things. As I was getting them, I heard a knock. I opened it and saw Stephanie. She walked in.
"I heard." She said. "You going to be all right?"
"I'll be fine. I'm going to live with Jay. Well, not with him, but in his house until this passes over."
"That's smart." She smiled. "Call me, everyday. I don't care. Paul and I are worried about you."
"I'll try." I said.
"It was nice of Jay to let you live at his house."
"I know. I didn't expect him to say that, or anything like that. I thought I'd be at home in New York. He told me it would be better if I went to his house and stayed there. I thought about it, and he was right."
"He is. It's so nice down there. It's not the big city, it's not what you're used to. It's a change of pace. It'll give you time to heal. I mean, look at yourself. You look like hell."
"I know." I replied. "My face is swelled, my liver is swollen, I'm scared as hell, I've got bumps and bruises everywhere. I look like I just got out of a war, not a wrestling match." I sighed. "I am tired and worn out. I'm on the edge, closer and closer I get. It seems weird and odd, but things aren't working out for me."
"I know they are sweetheart. I hate to see you like this. Paul hates it too. He's worried about you. 'Destiny's all down' or 'Destiny's losing it' or 'I am so worried about Destiny'. He's really worried about you, so am I."
"It's just, I feel like I'm the only one around here who has restrictions. It's like I have to follow everything and everyone else is able to come and go as they please." I sat down.
"This month off will be good for you. Amy won't be around to make anything worse. The two of you will be off, enjoy it while you have it."
Stephanie was right. And, she kept being right everytime she told me. I knew that this vacation would help me out a lot. I didn't waist any time getting my things and leaving. I stopped off to say good-bye to a few people. Paul, Jay, Adam, but I didn't go to see Matt.