I thought about the idea I had come up with. It became sort of sad at the moment. I had made the decision to put to rest a fued that had made my career what it was. I realized then that I owed Amy my career. Everything I had ever done in the WWF was because of her. She, even if she wasn't directly related, had helped me, in some way, achieve what I had achieved. I thought to myself and said I had to some way, give back what she did for me. I was going to make this match all about her.
I looked over and saw my baby. I let him out of the car seat and let him play in the sand. Everything was so peaceful here, so calm. I was in a place I never thought I'd ever see. I didn't know peaceful, I didn't know calm. My whole life was built around me trying to prove myself to someone, about me going out there and go against the top dogs. I never settled for anything less. If I knew I could do it, I went out and did it.
"Matt, do you think I'm crazy?" I asked my son. "Do you? Am I insane for showing up on Smackdown and making an ass of myself? And, am I going to make the biggest mistake of my life when I face Amy one last time?" Of course, my son didn't verbally answer. He didn't say, "why yes mother, I think you are". Instead, he just sat there, looking straight into the water, sand covering most of his body. And, that was an answer to me. Go out and do this. Do this like this'll be your last match. Once you do this, you never have to worry about Amy again. You'll be over.
Over. It seemed so strange to me. If this went the way I hoped it will, I'd be a whole new person. For my whole career, nearly three years, maybe even almost four, I had been stuck in the same fued, the same story line. Now, after all this time, I'd be in a new story line, I'd be a different Destiny.
Chris and I had been the Tag Team Champs for not that long. When we won, we went into Unforgiven and Chris left right after. I left after that RAW. If this all went right, we'd build ourselves as a respectable tag team. We all ready were known, and respected. But now, we were the champions and it was time to make this tag team my number one priority, in the WWF of course.
"Hey, look at that sexy woman on the beach." I looked up and saw Chris walking over. "You know, I only have two days left on my vacation."
"Oh, I'm going to miss you." I said, sitting up. "Chris, I need to ask you a favor. I don't know if you'll like it-"
"Why don't you just ask me." He sat down.
"Well, I had this idea, something that struck me and I need it to do this. I need you to lose your IC Title."
"Why?"
"Sometime before I come back. I've got this idea." I said. I explained my match idea with Amy. His listened to everything I had to say. Nodded. He didn't really put down what I was telling him.
"OK. Full time Tag Team Champions. I can handle that." He said. "But, are you sure about this."
"I've got to get rid of her, right? I have got to stop this. This is the only way I know how. Give her my title, have her go on her own way."
"All right, I'm behind you. Good luck with it. I'll tell Vince when I go back."
"I think I should." I said. "Call him before you leave. Talk to him first, then let me."
"Sure." Chris put his feet out. "Best way to raise a kid, on the water."
"I know it" I said. "I was, for the most part. My parents didn't give a shit. But, my acting coach did. He took me to the beach all the time." I smiled. "He was great to me."
"Matthew has a great mother, and father. Even if they aren't together."
I looked down at my hand. I still had the ring on. What was I going to do with this? After I talked to Vince, I knew I had to talk to Matt. I looked over at Chris. He had Matthew in his lap and he was smiling down at him.
"Let me call Vince." I said. I didn't look at him when I told him. "Let me do it."
"Sure?" He asked.
"Yes, I am." I answered.
"Well, I'll hang onto Matt here. You go. Now." He shoved my arm. "Go."
I nodded and got up and walked back up to the house. I sat down with the phone in my hand. I waited a few seconds before dialing. I was about to hang up with Vince's voice boomed over the receiver, "hello?"
"Vince." I said, my voice a little shaky.
"Destiny? What do you want?"
"I know, Vince, that I am probably the last person you want to talk with right now. But, I have something to run by you." I told him. "It may seem really dumb, telling you now. But, please listen."
"Fine."
"When I get back, I want you to set up a match, a cage match."
"Why? Is there a catch here?" Vince asked.
"Well, I sort of. I want it to be me against Amy."
"Absolutely not." Vince told me. "With what happened on Tuesday you think I'd actually let the two of you get in the same ring again."
"Vince, I'm not finished." I said. I took a deep breath. "Please, just hear me out. I want out of this story line. I don't want to have to face Amy again. I want to drop the strap to her, let her win. And, forget about it." I paused. "Have Chris drop his title."
"I don't see where this is going, Destiny." Vince said. "Why in the hell would I stick you in the same ring with someone who you have caused so much trouble with? Give me a good reason?"
"You know, Vince, I don't think I can do that."
"Then I don't think I can grant you this match." He said.
I didn't say anything at first. "You know, before I even thought about training, I hated this business. I couldn't stand it. I had no idea what the hell this was all about. I got here, I got know the business, and those in it, and I loved it. I still love it. But, I hate waking up every morning knowing I did something completely wrong. And, I know I did something very wrong. That's why I am not on TV right now. And, everyday I have to deal with going to work and having to push through all the bullshit with Amy, and all the bullshit with you. I can't get in that ring with Amy anymore. I know, physically and mentally I am through with her. I have spent too much time with her. But, I do know I have one last match left in me. One last time with her."
"A speech won't impress me."
"I've come to realize that over the years too, Vince." I said. "I don't care anymore what impresses you and what doesn't. I could careless if anything I say means anything to you. But, this one time, and possibly the first time in your life, you are going to hear me through and you will grant me my match." I was determined to do this. "I'm giving you what you want. Me free of the belt. Isn't that what you want? I'm giving myself the freedom of not having to deal with Amy."
"How can you be so sure?" He asked. Truth was, I wasn't so sure. I couldn't be so sure.
"I don't know, Vince. I really don't. I am going on a hunch. A strong one."
"Well, I can't grant you a big title defense and add to the fuel to the fire on a hunch."
"You do it anyway, Vince. You love the fact that we don't get along. It makes you money. And, you love money, don't you? Of course you do. Think of what you can get from this one match. Make a big deal of it. The final Destiny vs Lita match." I could tell I was getting his attention. "Ratings will fly. You know you love that."
"I don't know, Destiny."
"Do you think I'll be angry if I lose the belt? Vince, this whole fued, all of it, it's not about gold or who's better than who. It goes deeper than that. Much. And, I can't promise you that this will all go away. But, I do have this hunch, that it won't be so bad. Not anymore."
There was a long pause on the other end of the phone. I knew that trying to get Vince to go along with my insane idea would be a tough thing. And, I also knew I had to draw him in, and I couldn't let up.
"This is a big gamble." He said.
"I know that. But, you took on a gamble with this company, did you not?"
"Yes." He said. And then let out a long, heavy sigh. "Here's the deal. I'll set you up for this match. If I find anything that goes wrong, the match is off. I am trusting you with this match, OK? I can set it up. You're big welcoming back match. The final match between the two of you. You do understand that the pressure for it will be immense."
"I know that. I know it all."
"All right. You've got it. I'll tell Amy and we'll set a meeting up. The day you two get back. I want to meet with you. Make a lot of things clear."
"Anything."
"All right. I will talk to you then."
"Thank you."
And we hung up. I knew that the meeting would set the standards for the match. I also knew it would be a tough meeting. Me and Amy, our last encounter. It did bring on some emotions. But I felt so good knowing that this would all be over.
"Well?" Chris asked. He was on the shore, holding Matt in the water. The waves washing up at their feet.
"He said he'd do it. We just have to hold a meeting the day we return, Amy and myself. See how it goes."
"That's good news, right?"
"Yes, it can be. Just going to be rough. With Amy and myself in one room."
"It'll be the last time."
I walked over to them and took my son's hands. "And thank God for that." I looked up at Chris, and he smiled at me. "I want to thank you for everything you have done for me. You've stuck by me through it all. You never second guessed me. Not once did you ever let me down. I know I've been a real pain, a lot to handle. But, I want to thank you for never losing faith."
"Des, I know a lot of things never went your way in your life. You didn't need someone to second guess you, someone to look down on you. When you hit rock bottom last year, I wasn't going to leave you when you needed someone the most. It was rough, and it was hard, but I always knew you had it in you to go on. I was there to see you through."
"Chris, you did more than that." He smiled. "Not many stuck by me after the Matt thing. They came around now, but it's not the same. There are only a few people who I can still count on."
"Those who were close to you before." He replied. "Me, Dwayne, Paul, Adam, Jay, Matt. The whole gang."
"Almost the whole gang." I corrected.
"You and Matt'll be fine." He told me. "I bet he understands too. He knows, this isn't meant to be. Look at how you were before all of this marriage talk. You guys were like brother and sister. The two of you were so close. You threw marriage into it, and made it unlivable. Take that marriage talk out, and you'll be fine." I sighed. "Don't believe me? You should. Maybe it'll be a little strange. But, you'll get back what you had before this marriage thing was thrown in. Matt was fine before. He had his parents, and the rest of his family. He'll be fine now."
"I really wasn't talking about Matt." I said.
"Oh, Jeff huh?" He asked. "You're going to have to go more out of your way for him. He was hurt, he was beyond hurt when all of this happened. I know it hurts to not have him in your life. But, you have to realize, you were the one who pushed him out of your life."
"I know I did. And, if I could take it back, believe me, I would. I don't want to be with anyone else, I don't want to love anyone else. I love Jeff, I still love Jeff, and I'll never stop loving Jeff. I would give up anything just to have him speak to me again. If I can't have as my lover, I want him as a friend. I can't handle not having him in my life. I need him in my life. He balances me out. When things were hard for me, he was there to make it all better. I need him, by my side."
"What you just told me, tell him." Chris told me. "You've talked to him, and pleaded with him. But you never did it face to face."
"It is so hard to look him in the eyes, knowing what I did to him." I could feel the tears rise in my throat. I turned away from Chris.
Chris put his hand on my shoulder. "You don't have to feel this way again. You can fix it." I nodded. "What if I told you he told me something? There's hope, hunny, there's always hope." He took my baby.
I stood there and looked at him, holding Matthew. I began to think of all the times Jeff was with Matthew. That, even though the baby wasn't is, he treated him like he was. Jeff never once treated Matthew like something different. I never got over how quickly and how warm Jeff was to my child, my baby, who's father was his own brother. It must have killed him, but he never once showed Matthew that. And, even know the relationship between Matt and Jeff is different, and strained, when Matt has Matthew, Jeff still acts the way he used to.
"What are you thinking about?" Chris asked me after a while.
"Nothing." I answered.
"BS. Look, if you're so worried, talk to him, talk to Matt. Matt's his brother, they're close. Maybe not like they used to be, but you know how they are with family."
"I'm not family." I said. "You know, it wasn't even Matt's fault. I pushed him, I screwed him. You weren't there, no one was there. Matt, he had nothing to do with it." I paused. "You want to know why Matt was taken back? Yes, family had something to do with it. But Matt told him the truth. I told him the truth. It was my fault. I screwed up."
"Don't beat yourself up over this." Chris told me, noticing my anger. "What is done is done. Now you have to start moving forward, to make it right."
"I know." I said with a sigh.
Chris didn't have to tell me what to do. I knew I had to set things straight. I knew I had to talk to Matt and to Jeff. But, Chris wasn't where I was. He had no idea how hard that really was. And, I couldn't just go up to Jeff and tell him things. I couldn't run up to him and tell him I loved him, even though I wanted to.
"No one is perfect," Chris went on, "but a part of being human is being able to deal with your mistakes. Part of being an adult is being able to handle what you did wrong and being able to make it right. I can't sit here and tell you what to do with your life. You're an adult now, you have to do things for yourself. On the other hand, I can't sit here and let you cry and tell me what you should do. Go out and do it. Don't tell me what you should be doing. Do it. You're how old now? Twenty-five? That's old enough to be able to take matters into your hands and deal with it. I'm not your mother, you father, but I am your friend. I can see you through things, but I cannot do them for you. That's where you come in. So stop sitting around and complaining about what might have been. Go out and fix it and make it what will be." He looked me right in the eyes when he told me.
"You know you're right." I said. "I have been telling people how much my life sucks and I haven't done a damn thing about it. I've picked fights with Amy, but never solved anything. I've complained and bitched about this marriage I'm supposed to have with Matt, but never talked to him. And, I have hurt the one person who really loved me, and never tried to get him back." I looked down.
"Then why are you still sitting here?" He took Matt from me.
Over the phone wasn't the way I wanted to get across to Jeff, or even Matt. As I walked back up to the house, I made a promise to myself, and a man I hadn't spoken to in years, God, that when I came back to the WWF, one of the first things I would do, was talk to Jeff. It took me a while to get the nerve to dial Matt's cellphone number. But, Chris's words haunted me until I did. It rang a few times, and I thought about hanging up.
"Hello?" Matt asked. I didn't say anything. "Hello?" Nothing again. "Adam, I swear if this is you again, I am going to your room now, and I am going to beat the shit out of you."
"No, Matt, it's not Adam. It's me." I finally said.
"Destiny? Wow, you're the last person I thought'd call me." He replied. "I-uh-didn't mean it that way."
"No, no, I can understand that." I sighed.
"What's on your mind? Is Matt OK? Is he all right?" He started to sound nervous. And, I began to fell bad that I called.
"He's fine, perfectly fine. He's on the beach with Chris now." There was silence.
"Why did you call, Destiny?" Matt finally asked me.
"Matt, I want to set things straight. I don't want to live a lie anymore. I want to go back to my old life."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, Matt, is we have to call this marriage off. Look at us. Do you see how we're acting? Before all this, you and I were like family. You were like my brother. And, I trusted you like my brother. Now, I'm wearing this ring on my finger and I don't even believe in why. You deserve someone you actually love. Someone that you want to be with, not someone you feel you have to be with." He didn't say anything. "I can't do this, Matt, I can't. You and I, we're in no way meant to be. I know you can see that. It's hard not to. Look at Matthew now. He has us, he has his family. All of his family."
"I see." He said. "You know, Destiny, when I found out that the reason you left was to have a baby, I couldn't have been more happy for you, and more scared for you at the same time. Then, in that same instant when I found out that baby was mine, I feared for myself. I didn't know what I could do, what I should do. My father always told me to do the right thing. And, it took my a while to get the nerve to do that. But, that right thing, I guess is the wrong thing."
"Matt, this isn't about you, it's about us. We can't last. We never will. Matt, I do love you. I love you like my brother, and I don't want to lose that. These past few weeks I've felt that I have lost that love, lost that relationship, and I want it back. It would be a lie if you said you didn't want it back either."
"You're right, it would be. I was so hell bent on doing something right, something so right, I didn't once think that it was so wrong." He paused. "Destiny, I don't want to do more harm than good. I want things they way they used to be."
"I can't believe we're talking and making sense. I felt like everything I had said to you, you thought and told me opposite."
"You mean with Amy?" He asked. "Look, Destiny, I don't want you getting into something you can't handle. You have too much to lose. You have to take care of the baby. I mean, I can support the both of us on my own. But you have to think about this, you are the top female in the business. You can't let any of that go, not yet."
"You know, Matt, this went so much better than I thought it would. I thought you'd be on my case."
"It has been just so tense these past weeks. I've been edgy to everyone. I haven't been a good friend, father, brother, anything. I've been stuck in my own world, where everything used to be OK. When I never felt weird around my own brother. When, I didn't have to worry about someone else. Don't get me wrong, I love being a father. Things are never going to be like they used to be, are they?"
"I wish they could be, Matt, I wish they could." I said, with a sigh. "Things were great back then." It seemed so weird, back then, when, in reality, it was about two years ago. "But, we have to face the facts. We're parents, in a profession that doesn't let you have kids. We have to deal with a mistake we made last year, a mistake that rocked everyone's world, not just ours."
"You mean when we slept together, after Unforgiven" Matt asked, quietly. It didn't sound like Matt asking me.
"Yes, I do. You don't deserve that happening to you. I deserved all the punishment. I was the one who forced it. If I wasn't acting the way I was, I would have fallen asleep with my clothes on next to you, or in the next bed. You damn well know that's true too."
"Destiny, I'd be lying to you if I said I didn't want that to happen. I'd lie to you if I said I didn't push you along. I knew what could happen if Jeff, or anyone found out, I knew."
"Matt, who pushed you onto the bed? Who took off your clothes, and mine? Huh, who? I did. I made this mistake."
"Why are you beating yourself up over this? Des, it happened over a year ago, it's done. Unfortunately, it's not over with. We have to deal with it still. It'll never leave us."
"Well, I'm dealing with it. I'm going to talk to Jeff. I'm going to set this as straight as I can get it. I just wish it didn't take me so Goddamn long to do that." I paused.
"Jeff will listen to you. He still loves you, he told me that."
"He did?" I asked. I couldn't believe what he said.
"I mean, he doesn't tell me everyday. But, I know it. I know that family means everything to him, that's why we talk."
"You talk because I risked it all to save your ass. I told him everything, I put the blame on me. That's why when I told you, if Jeff asks you anything about what I said to him, you say it's all true. I told him what happened, I stretched the truth for you, to make sure the two of you didn't go under as well."
"Why did you do that? Why did you put yourself up like that?"
"Because, you said it yourself, blood is thicker than water. You said it yourself."
"But, you told me that Jeff was your one shot."
"I know, I know. You have but one brother."
"You have but one true love."
"I can find another, maybe not a true love, but I can move on. I'm trying to. I just want to set things straight, make it so I can live with it."
"Destiny, I'm not going to let you lose him, not for good. You almost did, but there is still that small bit of hope. I'm going to make sure that doesn't get lost."
"What's the use? I just want to put it to rest. Make it comfortable now. That's all I can do now anyway."
"You can do more. You just have to try."
"I'm going to. Try my hardest to do whatever I can." I said.
Matt told me he knew I could do it. I could win Jeff back. He knew Jeff would be back in my life, and that it might not be in a love way, but I wouldn't have to worry about him anymore. I just wanted to be able to breath easy knowing that he was back in my life.
When I hung up with Matt, I sat on the couch for a while, gathering my thoughts. I was taking an unknown step into something I didn't know anything about. The lines were unclear, and the road was foggy.
Ten minutes after I got off the phone with Matt, I walked back on the beach. The sun's raises beat down on me the moment I went outside. It was getting near 2:00 and the sun was relentless. As I got closer, I could see Chris rocking, lightly, and Matt's curly hair blow back with the light breeze. He was asleep. I walked over to them and put my arms around Chris and kissed the top of his head.
"Well?" He asked me. "What happened?"
"I talked to him. And, I found out he saw eye to eye with me."
"You don't know how relieved I am to hear that." He said.
"It took me by surprise. I didn't think he'd agree with me. We had been at each other's throats for so long now, it seemed hopeless." I sat down on the sand. "This year has been the most rollarcoaster year I have ever experienced. I haven't felt a single emotion long enough to either enjoy it or hate it. I've had my good and bad days, more bad then good. I feel like everything that's good is turning sour. And, the moment something good happens to me, instantly it's taken away. I can't hang onto anything good in my life. Something bad, something wrong always creeps on me and ruins it."
"You're on your way to fixing it."
"I don't ask for much. Hell, I know I don't deserve a lot of anything right now. But, I think I deserve to feel good for once. I think I deserve to have something not taken away from me and this empty feeling put in it's place." I looked at Chris and could see something in his eyes. I looked away. "I'm hurting, Chris, I really am. I'm scared. I'm scared of a lot of things."
"Destiny, thing's with Matt went well. What's wrong?" Chris asked me.
"This isn't about Matt." I said. I stopped. I realized this wasn't about Matt, or Jeff, or the WWF. It was about my life. My life had been, for the most part, a big mystery. No one really knew the whole past of Destiny Diaz. And, the real truth had been taking control of me this past year. Past demons were haunting me. I felt like shit. I needed to come clean. I needed to talk to someone, tell them everything.
"Something wrong?" Chris asked me again.
"No, nothing. I'm all right." I said. I took a deep breath. "I am so happy that everything went well with Matt."
"What did I tell you." Chris handed me my baby.
"I know, I know." I smiled. But, Chris could still sense something wrong with me. But, Chris knew me. He knew not to open me up. That I only opened up when I wanted to.
"Well, I'll leave you be now. Me and the wife are going out." He smiled. They were so cute together.
I looked down at Matthew, and vowed to God that I would never treat my son the way my parents treated me. I stared out into the ocean. This was all to much. Why now? I had tried so hard to forget about everything in my life before the contract. I had tried so hard to put behind me the person I used to be. But now, it was surfacing.
At around three I went back inside. The sun was hot and Matt was sweating. I put him to bed and brought the baby monitor around with me. I sat down on the couch watching a blank TV. I was in my own world. Relieved and very happy that Matt and I were able to come to terms with what we were doing, and we knew that this wasn't for us. I was so happy that we could get back what we lost.
But, at the same time, I couldn't believe why I began to think about my past, about New York. It wasn't that long ago, but seemed like forever. The wounds were never healed, only concealed. I had been so used to covering up what once was. I was never asked what it was like growing up. I barely told anyone enough of the story to be felt sorry for. I never wanted anyone's pity. It wasn't what I wanted.
My insides were nearly about to explode when the phone rang. I jumped ten feet. I let it ring three times and then decided to answer it. I figured it was someone for Jay, but it was for me, and it was Jay.
"How's it hanging?" He asked me. "You didn't destroy my house too badly, did ya?" He laughed.
"Nah, I'm a good house guest." I answered.
"So, you were the one tying up Matt's cellphone for a while." He said.
"Sorry, had to get something out."
"Figured." He said. "He seemed happy when he left his room. Set things straight?"
"Yes, it took a hard hitting conversation with Chris to get my ass in line."
"I didn't call to ask about that one." He said. "I wanted to check up, see if you're OK."
"I love you!!" I heard Adam yell in the back.
"Yes, we all miss you here." Jay replied.
"I miss you guys also." I smiled. I heard some muffle noises.
"Des!" Adam shrieked on the phone.
"You stole the phone!" I heard Jay yell.
"How's it hanging in Tampa? You doing all right?"
"I'm doing just fine. Miss you and Jay and all that insane antics. I miss it all."
"We all miss ya. It's so different without you and Matty." He told me. "Miss that kid."
"Get one of your own."
"Yeah, maybe." He replied.
I laughed. "So, how are things going? Vince say anything about me?"
"Nah, he doesn't say anything." Adam answered. "Well, I'm gonna go now, Jay's coming back on. Love you lots, bye bye."
"Love you too, Adam."
"Hang on one sec." Jay told me. I waited. "All right, Adam left. What exactly did you talk to Matt about?"
"Well, what do you think?" I asked. "Everything." I explained to him just what happened between Matt and myself.
"I'm so happy for you."
"I still feel so empty." I admitted. I didn't want to get too into what I was feeling.
"That's because there is one more man you have left to talk to."
"I know it." I said. "I'm saving that for when I get back. I want to have it all perfect."
"You know, Des, maybe that's not the best way. When you get back, track him down and just tell him exactly what's on your mind. Don't think about what you're going to say, just say it."
"I don't want to think about it, I do just want to do it. I know if I plan something out, I'll end up messing it all up in the end."
"You have a long time to think. I know you'll be fine."
"I just want to get back in the ring. I want to get back into my world. I miss the action, the fans, and most of all, the superstars." I said. "I've been gone a few times in my career. When I hurt my back, the baby, and now this. It takes it toll. I lose my sanity, or what's left of it."
"I understand exactly what you mean." He said. "I'll be coming down this week coming up, whole week. Give you a buddy to hang with."
"Great! Chris joins RAW again this week." I replied.
"I won't be on RAW, or Smackdown."
"Why?"
"Don't really know, Vince told me today, you get next week off." He answered.
"I just hope he's not going back to anything." I said. "I honestly think he really can't stand me. There are days when I really get that impression. And, there are other days where I think he might actually like me, where he talks to me and treats me like some of the other main eventers. But I really don't think he truly likes me all that much. It doesn't bother me in the least. I'll admit that. I honestly don't give a shit."
"Good, don't. You don't have to be buddy buddy with the boss man." He told me. "You of all people should know that."
"I do. That's why I have no intentions of going out of my way to please him."
Talking to Adam and Jay was a breath of fresh air. And also being able to see Jay soon was also going to help my sanity. I was building something here in Florida, in Tampa. It started with Chris and it was going to continue with Jay. I could feel myself go through a transformation. Tampa would stand out in my mind as something incredible. Something was going to happen in Tampa that would change my life. I knew when I left, I wouldn't be thinking of New York. I'd be thinking of Tampa. Things would change, something was going to happen. I had no idea what is was or just how big.
I looked over and saw my baby. I let him out of the car seat and let him play in the sand. Everything was so peaceful here, so calm. I was in a place I never thought I'd ever see. I didn't know peaceful, I didn't know calm. My whole life was built around me trying to prove myself to someone, about me going out there and go against the top dogs. I never settled for anything less. If I knew I could do it, I went out and did it.
"Matt, do you think I'm crazy?" I asked my son. "Do you? Am I insane for showing up on Smackdown and making an ass of myself? And, am I going to make the biggest mistake of my life when I face Amy one last time?" Of course, my son didn't verbally answer. He didn't say, "why yes mother, I think you are". Instead, he just sat there, looking straight into the water, sand covering most of his body. And, that was an answer to me. Go out and do this. Do this like this'll be your last match. Once you do this, you never have to worry about Amy again. You'll be over.
Over. It seemed so strange to me. If this went the way I hoped it will, I'd be a whole new person. For my whole career, nearly three years, maybe even almost four, I had been stuck in the same fued, the same story line. Now, after all this time, I'd be in a new story line, I'd be a different Destiny.
Chris and I had been the Tag Team Champs for not that long. When we won, we went into Unforgiven and Chris left right after. I left after that RAW. If this all went right, we'd build ourselves as a respectable tag team. We all ready were known, and respected. But now, we were the champions and it was time to make this tag team my number one priority, in the WWF of course.
"Hey, look at that sexy woman on the beach." I looked up and saw Chris walking over. "You know, I only have two days left on my vacation."
"Oh, I'm going to miss you." I said, sitting up. "Chris, I need to ask you a favor. I don't know if you'll like it-"
"Why don't you just ask me." He sat down.
"Well, I had this idea, something that struck me and I need it to do this. I need you to lose your IC Title."
"Why?"
"Sometime before I come back. I've got this idea." I said. I explained my match idea with Amy. His listened to everything I had to say. Nodded. He didn't really put down what I was telling him.
"OK. Full time Tag Team Champions. I can handle that." He said. "But, are you sure about this."
"I've got to get rid of her, right? I have got to stop this. This is the only way I know how. Give her my title, have her go on her own way."
"All right, I'm behind you. Good luck with it. I'll tell Vince when I go back."
"I think I should." I said. "Call him before you leave. Talk to him first, then let me."
"Sure." Chris put his feet out. "Best way to raise a kid, on the water."
"I know it" I said. "I was, for the most part. My parents didn't give a shit. But, my acting coach did. He took me to the beach all the time." I smiled. "He was great to me."
"Matthew has a great mother, and father. Even if they aren't together."
I looked down at my hand. I still had the ring on. What was I going to do with this? After I talked to Vince, I knew I had to talk to Matt. I looked over at Chris. He had Matthew in his lap and he was smiling down at him.
"Let me call Vince." I said. I didn't look at him when I told him. "Let me do it."
"Sure?" He asked.
"Yes, I am." I answered.
"Well, I'll hang onto Matt here. You go. Now." He shoved my arm. "Go."
I nodded and got up and walked back up to the house. I sat down with the phone in my hand. I waited a few seconds before dialing. I was about to hang up with Vince's voice boomed over the receiver, "hello?"
"Vince." I said, my voice a little shaky.
"Destiny? What do you want?"
"I know, Vince, that I am probably the last person you want to talk with right now. But, I have something to run by you." I told him. "It may seem really dumb, telling you now. But, please listen."
"Fine."
"When I get back, I want you to set up a match, a cage match."
"Why? Is there a catch here?" Vince asked.
"Well, I sort of. I want it to be me against Amy."
"Absolutely not." Vince told me. "With what happened on Tuesday you think I'd actually let the two of you get in the same ring again."
"Vince, I'm not finished." I said. I took a deep breath. "Please, just hear me out. I want out of this story line. I don't want to have to face Amy again. I want to drop the strap to her, let her win. And, forget about it." I paused. "Have Chris drop his title."
"I don't see where this is going, Destiny." Vince said. "Why in the hell would I stick you in the same ring with someone who you have caused so much trouble with? Give me a good reason?"
"You know, Vince, I don't think I can do that."
"Then I don't think I can grant you this match." He said.
I didn't say anything at first. "You know, before I even thought about training, I hated this business. I couldn't stand it. I had no idea what the hell this was all about. I got here, I got know the business, and those in it, and I loved it. I still love it. But, I hate waking up every morning knowing I did something completely wrong. And, I know I did something very wrong. That's why I am not on TV right now. And, everyday I have to deal with going to work and having to push through all the bullshit with Amy, and all the bullshit with you. I can't get in that ring with Amy anymore. I know, physically and mentally I am through with her. I have spent too much time with her. But, I do know I have one last match left in me. One last time with her."
"A speech won't impress me."
"I've come to realize that over the years too, Vince." I said. "I don't care anymore what impresses you and what doesn't. I could careless if anything I say means anything to you. But, this one time, and possibly the first time in your life, you are going to hear me through and you will grant me my match." I was determined to do this. "I'm giving you what you want. Me free of the belt. Isn't that what you want? I'm giving myself the freedom of not having to deal with Amy."
"How can you be so sure?" He asked. Truth was, I wasn't so sure. I couldn't be so sure.
"I don't know, Vince. I really don't. I am going on a hunch. A strong one."
"Well, I can't grant you a big title defense and add to the fuel to the fire on a hunch."
"You do it anyway, Vince. You love the fact that we don't get along. It makes you money. And, you love money, don't you? Of course you do. Think of what you can get from this one match. Make a big deal of it. The final Destiny vs Lita match." I could tell I was getting his attention. "Ratings will fly. You know you love that."
"I don't know, Destiny."
"Do you think I'll be angry if I lose the belt? Vince, this whole fued, all of it, it's not about gold or who's better than who. It goes deeper than that. Much. And, I can't promise you that this will all go away. But, I do have this hunch, that it won't be so bad. Not anymore."
There was a long pause on the other end of the phone. I knew that trying to get Vince to go along with my insane idea would be a tough thing. And, I also knew I had to draw him in, and I couldn't let up.
"This is a big gamble." He said.
"I know that. But, you took on a gamble with this company, did you not?"
"Yes." He said. And then let out a long, heavy sigh. "Here's the deal. I'll set you up for this match. If I find anything that goes wrong, the match is off. I am trusting you with this match, OK? I can set it up. You're big welcoming back match. The final match between the two of you. You do understand that the pressure for it will be immense."
"I know that. I know it all."
"All right. You've got it. I'll tell Amy and we'll set a meeting up. The day you two get back. I want to meet with you. Make a lot of things clear."
"Anything."
"All right. I will talk to you then."
"Thank you."
And we hung up. I knew that the meeting would set the standards for the match. I also knew it would be a tough meeting. Me and Amy, our last encounter. It did bring on some emotions. But I felt so good knowing that this would all be over.
"Well?" Chris asked. He was on the shore, holding Matt in the water. The waves washing up at their feet.
"He said he'd do it. We just have to hold a meeting the day we return, Amy and myself. See how it goes."
"That's good news, right?"
"Yes, it can be. Just going to be rough. With Amy and myself in one room."
"It'll be the last time."
I walked over to them and took my son's hands. "And thank God for that." I looked up at Chris, and he smiled at me. "I want to thank you for everything you have done for me. You've stuck by me through it all. You never second guessed me. Not once did you ever let me down. I know I've been a real pain, a lot to handle. But, I want to thank you for never losing faith."
"Des, I know a lot of things never went your way in your life. You didn't need someone to second guess you, someone to look down on you. When you hit rock bottom last year, I wasn't going to leave you when you needed someone the most. It was rough, and it was hard, but I always knew you had it in you to go on. I was there to see you through."
"Chris, you did more than that." He smiled. "Not many stuck by me after the Matt thing. They came around now, but it's not the same. There are only a few people who I can still count on."
"Those who were close to you before." He replied. "Me, Dwayne, Paul, Adam, Jay, Matt. The whole gang."
"Almost the whole gang." I corrected.
"You and Matt'll be fine." He told me. "I bet he understands too. He knows, this isn't meant to be. Look at how you were before all of this marriage talk. You guys were like brother and sister. The two of you were so close. You threw marriage into it, and made it unlivable. Take that marriage talk out, and you'll be fine." I sighed. "Don't believe me? You should. Maybe it'll be a little strange. But, you'll get back what you had before this marriage thing was thrown in. Matt was fine before. He had his parents, and the rest of his family. He'll be fine now."
"I really wasn't talking about Matt." I said.
"Oh, Jeff huh?" He asked. "You're going to have to go more out of your way for him. He was hurt, he was beyond hurt when all of this happened. I know it hurts to not have him in your life. But, you have to realize, you were the one who pushed him out of your life."
"I know I did. And, if I could take it back, believe me, I would. I don't want to be with anyone else, I don't want to love anyone else. I love Jeff, I still love Jeff, and I'll never stop loving Jeff. I would give up anything just to have him speak to me again. If I can't have as my lover, I want him as a friend. I can't handle not having him in my life. I need him in my life. He balances me out. When things were hard for me, he was there to make it all better. I need him, by my side."
"What you just told me, tell him." Chris told me. "You've talked to him, and pleaded with him. But you never did it face to face."
"It is so hard to look him in the eyes, knowing what I did to him." I could feel the tears rise in my throat. I turned away from Chris.
Chris put his hand on my shoulder. "You don't have to feel this way again. You can fix it." I nodded. "What if I told you he told me something? There's hope, hunny, there's always hope." He took my baby.
I stood there and looked at him, holding Matthew. I began to think of all the times Jeff was with Matthew. That, even though the baby wasn't is, he treated him like he was. Jeff never once treated Matthew like something different. I never got over how quickly and how warm Jeff was to my child, my baby, who's father was his own brother. It must have killed him, but he never once showed Matthew that. And, even know the relationship between Matt and Jeff is different, and strained, when Matt has Matthew, Jeff still acts the way he used to.
"What are you thinking about?" Chris asked me after a while.
"Nothing." I answered.
"BS. Look, if you're so worried, talk to him, talk to Matt. Matt's his brother, they're close. Maybe not like they used to be, but you know how they are with family."
"I'm not family." I said. "You know, it wasn't even Matt's fault. I pushed him, I screwed him. You weren't there, no one was there. Matt, he had nothing to do with it." I paused. "You want to know why Matt was taken back? Yes, family had something to do with it. But Matt told him the truth. I told him the truth. It was my fault. I screwed up."
"Don't beat yourself up over this." Chris told me, noticing my anger. "What is done is done. Now you have to start moving forward, to make it right."
"I know." I said with a sigh.
Chris didn't have to tell me what to do. I knew I had to set things straight. I knew I had to talk to Matt and to Jeff. But, Chris wasn't where I was. He had no idea how hard that really was. And, I couldn't just go up to Jeff and tell him things. I couldn't run up to him and tell him I loved him, even though I wanted to.
"No one is perfect," Chris went on, "but a part of being human is being able to deal with your mistakes. Part of being an adult is being able to handle what you did wrong and being able to make it right. I can't sit here and tell you what to do with your life. You're an adult now, you have to do things for yourself. On the other hand, I can't sit here and let you cry and tell me what you should do. Go out and do it. Don't tell me what you should be doing. Do it. You're how old now? Twenty-five? That's old enough to be able to take matters into your hands and deal with it. I'm not your mother, you father, but I am your friend. I can see you through things, but I cannot do them for you. That's where you come in. So stop sitting around and complaining about what might have been. Go out and fix it and make it what will be." He looked me right in the eyes when he told me.
"You know you're right." I said. "I have been telling people how much my life sucks and I haven't done a damn thing about it. I've picked fights with Amy, but never solved anything. I've complained and bitched about this marriage I'm supposed to have with Matt, but never talked to him. And, I have hurt the one person who really loved me, and never tried to get him back." I looked down.
"Then why are you still sitting here?" He took Matt from me.
Over the phone wasn't the way I wanted to get across to Jeff, or even Matt. As I walked back up to the house, I made a promise to myself, and a man I hadn't spoken to in years, God, that when I came back to the WWF, one of the first things I would do, was talk to Jeff. It took me a while to get the nerve to dial Matt's cellphone number. But, Chris's words haunted me until I did. It rang a few times, and I thought about hanging up.
"Hello?" Matt asked. I didn't say anything. "Hello?" Nothing again. "Adam, I swear if this is you again, I am going to your room now, and I am going to beat the shit out of you."
"No, Matt, it's not Adam. It's me." I finally said.
"Destiny? Wow, you're the last person I thought'd call me." He replied. "I-uh-didn't mean it that way."
"No, no, I can understand that." I sighed.
"What's on your mind? Is Matt OK? Is he all right?" He started to sound nervous. And, I began to fell bad that I called.
"He's fine, perfectly fine. He's on the beach with Chris now." There was silence.
"Why did you call, Destiny?" Matt finally asked me.
"Matt, I want to set things straight. I don't want to live a lie anymore. I want to go back to my old life."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, Matt, is we have to call this marriage off. Look at us. Do you see how we're acting? Before all this, you and I were like family. You were like my brother. And, I trusted you like my brother. Now, I'm wearing this ring on my finger and I don't even believe in why. You deserve someone you actually love. Someone that you want to be with, not someone you feel you have to be with." He didn't say anything. "I can't do this, Matt, I can't. You and I, we're in no way meant to be. I know you can see that. It's hard not to. Look at Matthew now. He has us, he has his family. All of his family."
"I see." He said. "You know, Destiny, when I found out that the reason you left was to have a baby, I couldn't have been more happy for you, and more scared for you at the same time. Then, in that same instant when I found out that baby was mine, I feared for myself. I didn't know what I could do, what I should do. My father always told me to do the right thing. And, it took my a while to get the nerve to do that. But, that right thing, I guess is the wrong thing."
"Matt, this isn't about you, it's about us. We can't last. We never will. Matt, I do love you. I love you like my brother, and I don't want to lose that. These past few weeks I've felt that I have lost that love, lost that relationship, and I want it back. It would be a lie if you said you didn't want it back either."
"You're right, it would be. I was so hell bent on doing something right, something so right, I didn't once think that it was so wrong." He paused. "Destiny, I don't want to do more harm than good. I want things they way they used to be."
"I can't believe we're talking and making sense. I felt like everything I had said to you, you thought and told me opposite."
"You mean with Amy?" He asked. "Look, Destiny, I don't want you getting into something you can't handle. You have too much to lose. You have to take care of the baby. I mean, I can support the both of us on my own. But you have to think about this, you are the top female in the business. You can't let any of that go, not yet."
"You know, Matt, this went so much better than I thought it would. I thought you'd be on my case."
"It has been just so tense these past weeks. I've been edgy to everyone. I haven't been a good friend, father, brother, anything. I've been stuck in my own world, where everything used to be OK. When I never felt weird around my own brother. When, I didn't have to worry about someone else. Don't get me wrong, I love being a father. Things are never going to be like they used to be, are they?"
"I wish they could be, Matt, I wish they could." I said, with a sigh. "Things were great back then." It seemed so weird, back then, when, in reality, it was about two years ago. "But, we have to face the facts. We're parents, in a profession that doesn't let you have kids. We have to deal with a mistake we made last year, a mistake that rocked everyone's world, not just ours."
"You mean when we slept together, after Unforgiven" Matt asked, quietly. It didn't sound like Matt asking me.
"Yes, I do. You don't deserve that happening to you. I deserved all the punishment. I was the one who forced it. If I wasn't acting the way I was, I would have fallen asleep with my clothes on next to you, or in the next bed. You damn well know that's true too."
"Destiny, I'd be lying to you if I said I didn't want that to happen. I'd lie to you if I said I didn't push you along. I knew what could happen if Jeff, or anyone found out, I knew."
"Matt, who pushed you onto the bed? Who took off your clothes, and mine? Huh, who? I did. I made this mistake."
"Why are you beating yourself up over this? Des, it happened over a year ago, it's done. Unfortunately, it's not over with. We have to deal with it still. It'll never leave us."
"Well, I'm dealing with it. I'm going to talk to Jeff. I'm going to set this as straight as I can get it. I just wish it didn't take me so Goddamn long to do that." I paused.
"Jeff will listen to you. He still loves you, he told me that."
"He did?" I asked. I couldn't believe what he said.
"I mean, he doesn't tell me everyday. But, I know it. I know that family means everything to him, that's why we talk."
"You talk because I risked it all to save your ass. I told him everything, I put the blame on me. That's why when I told you, if Jeff asks you anything about what I said to him, you say it's all true. I told him what happened, I stretched the truth for you, to make sure the two of you didn't go under as well."
"Why did you do that? Why did you put yourself up like that?"
"Because, you said it yourself, blood is thicker than water. You said it yourself."
"But, you told me that Jeff was your one shot."
"I know, I know. You have but one brother."
"You have but one true love."
"I can find another, maybe not a true love, but I can move on. I'm trying to. I just want to set things straight, make it so I can live with it."
"Destiny, I'm not going to let you lose him, not for good. You almost did, but there is still that small bit of hope. I'm going to make sure that doesn't get lost."
"What's the use? I just want to put it to rest. Make it comfortable now. That's all I can do now anyway."
"You can do more. You just have to try."
"I'm going to. Try my hardest to do whatever I can." I said.
Matt told me he knew I could do it. I could win Jeff back. He knew Jeff would be back in my life, and that it might not be in a love way, but I wouldn't have to worry about him anymore. I just wanted to be able to breath easy knowing that he was back in my life.
When I hung up with Matt, I sat on the couch for a while, gathering my thoughts. I was taking an unknown step into something I didn't know anything about. The lines were unclear, and the road was foggy.
Ten minutes after I got off the phone with Matt, I walked back on the beach. The sun's raises beat down on me the moment I went outside. It was getting near 2:00 and the sun was relentless. As I got closer, I could see Chris rocking, lightly, and Matt's curly hair blow back with the light breeze. He was asleep. I walked over to them and put my arms around Chris and kissed the top of his head.
"Well?" He asked me. "What happened?"
"I talked to him. And, I found out he saw eye to eye with me."
"You don't know how relieved I am to hear that." He said.
"It took me by surprise. I didn't think he'd agree with me. We had been at each other's throats for so long now, it seemed hopeless." I sat down on the sand. "This year has been the most rollarcoaster year I have ever experienced. I haven't felt a single emotion long enough to either enjoy it or hate it. I've had my good and bad days, more bad then good. I feel like everything that's good is turning sour. And, the moment something good happens to me, instantly it's taken away. I can't hang onto anything good in my life. Something bad, something wrong always creeps on me and ruins it."
"You're on your way to fixing it."
"I don't ask for much. Hell, I know I don't deserve a lot of anything right now. But, I think I deserve to feel good for once. I think I deserve to have something not taken away from me and this empty feeling put in it's place." I looked at Chris and could see something in his eyes. I looked away. "I'm hurting, Chris, I really am. I'm scared. I'm scared of a lot of things."
"Destiny, thing's with Matt went well. What's wrong?" Chris asked me.
"This isn't about Matt." I said. I stopped. I realized this wasn't about Matt, or Jeff, or the WWF. It was about my life. My life had been, for the most part, a big mystery. No one really knew the whole past of Destiny Diaz. And, the real truth had been taking control of me this past year. Past demons were haunting me. I felt like shit. I needed to come clean. I needed to talk to someone, tell them everything.
"Something wrong?" Chris asked me again.
"No, nothing. I'm all right." I said. I took a deep breath. "I am so happy that everything went well with Matt."
"What did I tell you." Chris handed me my baby.
"I know, I know." I smiled. But, Chris could still sense something wrong with me. But, Chris knew me. He knew not to open me up. That I only opened up when I wanted to.
"Well, I'll leave you be now. Me and the wife are going out." He smiled. They were so cute together.
I looked down at Matthew, and vowed to God that I would never treat my son the way my parents treated me. I stared out into the ocean. This was all to much. Why now? I had tried so hard to forget about everything in my life before the contract. I had tried so hard to put behind me the person I used to be. But now, it was surfacing.
At around three I went back inside. The sun was hot and Matt was sweating. I put him to bed and brought the baby monitor around with me. I sat down on the couch watching a blank TV. I was in my own world. Relieved and very happy that Matt and I were able to come to terms with what we were doing, and we knew that this wasn't for us. I was so happy that we could get back what we lost.
But, at the same time, I couldn't believe why I began to think about my past, about New York. It wasn't that long ago, but seemed like forever. The wounds were never healed, only concealed. I had been so used to covering up what once was. I was never asked what it was like growing up. I barely told anyone enough of the story to be felt sorry for. I never wanted anyone's pity. It wasn't what I wanted.
My insides were nearly about to explode when the phone rang. I jumped ten feet. I let it ring three times and then decided to answer it. I figured it was someone for Jay, but it was for me, and it was Jay.
"How's it hanging?" He asked me. "You didn't destroy my house too badly, did ya?" He laughed.
"Nah, I'm a good house guest." I answered.
"So, you were the one tying up Matt's cellphone for a while." He said.
"Sorry, had to get something out."
"Figured." He said. "He seemed happy when he left his room. Set things straight?"
"Yes, it took a hard hitting conversation with Chris to get my ass in line."
"I didn't call to ask about that one." He said. "I wanted to check up, see if you're OK."
"I love you!!" I heard Adam yell in the back.
"Yes, we all miss you here." Jay replied.
"I miss you guys also." I smiled. I heard some muffle noises.
"Des!" Adam shrieked on the phone.
"You stole the phone!" I heard Jay yell.
"How's it hanging in Tampa? You doing all right?"
"I'm doing just fine. Miss you and Jay and all that insane antics. I miss it all."
"We all miss ya. It's so different without you and Matty." He told me. "Miss that kid."
"Get one of your own."
"Yeah, maybe." He replied.
I laughed. "So, how are things going? Vince say anything about me?"
"Nah, he doesn't say anything." Adam answered. "Well, I'm gonna go now, Jay's coming back on. Love you lots, bye bye."
"Love you too, Adam."
"Hang on one sec." Jay told me. I waited. "All right, Adam left. What exactly did you talk to Matt about?"
"Well, what do you think?" I asked. "Everything." I explained to him just what happened between Matt and myself.
"I'm so happy for you."
"I still feel so empty." I admitted. I didn't want to get too into what I was feeling.
"That's because there is one more man you have left to talk to."
"I know it." I said. "I'm saving that for when I get back. I want to have it all perfect."
"You know, Des, maybe that's not the best way. When you get back, track him down and just tell him exactly what's on your mind. Don't think about what you're going to say, just say it."
"I don't want to think about it, I do just want to do it. I know if I plan something out, I'll end up messing it all up in the end."
"You have a long time to think. I know you'll be fine."
"I just want to get back in the ring. I want to get back into my world. I miss the action, the fans, and most of all, the superstars." I said. "I've been gone a few times in my career. When I hurt my back, the baby, and now this. It takes it toll. I lose my sanity, or what's left of it."
"I understand exactly what you mean." He said. "I'll be coming down this week coming up, whole week. Give you a buddy to hang with."
"Great! Chris joins RAW again this week." I replied.
"I won't be on RAW, or Smackdown."
"Why?"
"Don't really know, Vince told me today, you get next week off." He answered.
"I just hope he's not going back to anything." I said. "I honestly think he really can't stand me. There are days when I really get that impression. And, there are other days where I think he might actually like me, where he talks to me and treats me like some of the other main eventers. But I really don't think he truly likes me all that much. It doesn't bother me in the least. I'll admit that. I honestly don't give a shit."
"Good, don't. You don't have to be buddy buddy with the boss man." He told me. "You of all people should know that."
"I do. That's why I have no intentions of going out of my way to please him."
Talking to Adam and Jay was a breath of fresh air. And also being able to see Jay soon was also going to help my sanity. I was building something here in Florida, in Tampa. It started with Chris and it was going to continue with Jay. I could feel myself go through a transformation. Tampa would stand out in my mind as something incredible. Something was going to happen in Tampa that would change my life. I knew when I left, I wouldn't be thinking of New York. I'd be thinking of Tampa. Things would change, something was going to happen. I had no idea what is was or just how big.