I held Jay close to me on the couch. It had been so long since I had been intimate with anyone. And, it felt so good. Each nerve on my body was standing on end, alert. Jay's head was rested on my chest and I held his head, playing with his hair. We were breathing hard and sweating. I just held him in my arms, rubbing his back.
"Was that the booze talking?" I asked, knowing it wasn't.
"I don't know what that was." He answered, looking up at me. He kissed me. "I hope this doesn't change anything."
"It didn't last time." I answered. He went to get up. "No, stay. I don't want you to move." I held him close and tight.
He moved up and kissed me. He began to thrust himself inside me again. It was slow and methodical, playful and fun, romantic and exotic. Nothing like I had remembered, and everything I had expected. I didn't ever want to stop. My arms around him, my legs entwined with his.
"Stop?" Jay asked.
"No." I answered. I looked at the clock, it was late, one in the morning. I looked at the playpen where my sleeping son was. Sound asleep. "Keep going."
And we did. Well into the morning. At four, I found myself holding Jay like I was hours before. We were tired out. My arms were around him tight as he laid there on me. I looked at saw that his eyes were closed. I rested my head back on the couch and rubbed Jay's back, and fell asleep.
I woke up before Jay, at ten. Matt was still sleeping too. I rubbed my eyes and looked at Jay. We were still naked, and he was still on me. I patted his back and he woke up.
"Oh, shit." He said, and got up. "Des, I-"
"Jay, it's ok. I know what happened, I wanted it to happen. Don't worry." I sat up and took the blanket draped over the couch over me. "Jay, calm down. I'm fine. It, it was amazing. You were amazing."
He looked down and back to me. "Really? Well, you were great yourself." He laughed a little and found his boxers and put them on. "What are we going to do about it?"
"I really don't know."
"Same as the last time, just forget about it." He said.
I looked up at him. "I don't know, Jay. I mean, I, I don't know. I want you, but." I stopped what I was saying.
"But what?" He asked. "Look, sorry, Des, I don't want things to get weird."
"You don't want me, Jay, you don't."
He sat down next to me and kissed me. "Maybe I do." He said.
"No, Jay, you don't. You want normal. Someone not me. Though, I'll probably be your best lay ever." I smiled.
He laughed. "Yeah, maybe." He got up. "Hungry?"
"I am." I put a shirt on and my underwear, grabbed my son, and followed him into the kitchen.
"I have to get his cereal ready."
"Give him these." He gave me a box of Apple Jax. "Maybe he'll like it."
"He does." I smiled at my baby as he ate the dry cereal.
"And what will you have?"
"Oh, I don't know." I answered. "You?" I looked at him and smiled.
"Are we making this an all day thing?" He asked with a half smile.
"Would it be so bad if I let Jessica watch Matt for the day and you and I spend time together?"
"Ok." He answered. He smiled.
"All right." I laughed a little. I went to the phone and dialed the number written on a piece of paper next to the phone.
"Hello?" Jessica asked.
"Hey, Jess, it's Destiny." I said.
"Oh! Hey! How are you?"
"Fine, fine, and you?"
"Great."
"I have a small favor to ask." I said.
"Sure, of course I'll take Matthew for the day."
"How did you know?" I laughed.
"Just a hunch. Run him over here in like a half hour. Is that ok?"
"Fine. Thanks so much, Jessica." I hung up.
"Guess she said she would." Jay said.
"Yes, she will." I replied. "I'm going to get him ready."
I took Matt upstairs and changed him. I packed a diaper bag for him, of course put a pair of shorts on, and went next door. Jessica was happy to take him. I thanked her a million times before walking back next door. Jay was sitting at the table eating a bowl of cereal.
"Ain't much of a cook." He said.
"You and me both." I laughed. "That lesson, and many others, seemed to skip by me."
Jay laughed and ran at me. He picked me up and ran me up to his bed. He threw me on his bed and I pulled him down with me, undressing him as I kissed him. The sheets on Jay's bed felt good against my bare skin. Jay felt good against my bare skin. I ran my nails up and down his back, and he got goose bumps.
"You drive me crazy." He told me. "Absolutely insane."
I rolled him over on his back. "You'll make a woman very happy one day." I kissed his chest and down to his belly button. I heard him grunt as I was doing it. I moved back up and he went inside me.
I wish I could say I knew what I was doing when I did it, but I didn't. I didn't want Jay to think this was going to happen often. I was alone, very alone. And my mission to find happiness wasn't doing what I wished it would.
After, I threw a long T-shirt on and went out on the balcony of the room. I stood out there and looked out. Everything was so different. I didn't know what end was coming or going. My head was spinning. Spinning out of control.
"Des?" Jay asked. "Something wrong?"
"No." I sighed. "I'm just thinking."
"Me too." He sat on a bench. "About how wrong this all is." He looked up at me. "Des, you're beautiful. And you're a great girl-"
"Jay, don't worry. I know where you're going and I understand."
Jay smiled a little. "Our painful breakup is over."
"It was hard, I know." I sat next to him. "I can't go on."
He laughed. "That's sad, Des."
"I know, you were my whole life, Jay." I said. I stood up and walked to the edge of the balcony. "I have to die now."
I got on the ledge of the fence around the balcony. Jay was laughing. "No, I can't let you die!" I walked close to the edge and Jay stopped laughing. "Des, get down." I didn't listen. "Destiny, I'm serious. Jokes over." But I didn't get down. "Destiny, please, get down. You're starting to scare me. Please, Destiny." I closed my eyes and thought about everything I did wrong. And the list began to grow. I inched closer. "This isn't the way out, Destiny." He kept his distance, but was still there.
"Jay, if I were to fall-"
"I won't let you fall."
"Maybe someone should." I took a deep breath.
"Destiny, what's wrong?" He asked. "You were fine before. What happened?"
"Jay, have you ever felt that no matter how hard you tried, how much you did, the end result was the same? That no matter how hard you tried, you still couldn't do a damn thing right? Well that's how I feel. It's how I've always felt. And, the one person that made me really feel something inside, something completely different, that one person is gone. And why? Because of me. I can't do anything right, Jay, nothing. I have it all in our business but I feel like I don't deserve any of it. I got out every night, do the same things, and I don't feel anything. I'm lost. It's not enough, I'm sorry. I'm not that strong, I'm not that weak. I'm not anything. I'm nothing. It's my fault. I don't know why every time I try to fly, somebody always tries to hold me down. I'm losing my faith every single time I try. No one is on my side. I don't make everyone happy, I make no one happy. Not even myself. But, it's nothing new, I'm used to it. I'm used to pain, agony."
"Destiny?" Jay asked.
"Not used to hearing this from me? I can't stay quiet anymore. I've kept it in so long. I am so lost, so confused. Jay, I'm scared."
"Destiny, I'm here to help. I will always be here to help you. Get down. Talk to me." Jay said. He reached for my hand. I turn around and took it. "Get down." I slipped and fell into his arms. "Don't do that again."
He brought me inside, back into his bedroom. But this time, he held me on his bed. I began to cry. I didn't know what had just come over me or why I did what I did. It shook Jay up pretty badly as well. He was shaking as he held me. I held him back.
"I'm so sorry, Jay. I, I don't know what I was doing." I said. Tears were slowly falling from his eyes.
"Why?" He asked. "Why are you so miserable? So alone, so scared?"
"I don't know. I just, I've always been this way. And I thought I was starting over here in the WWF, ya know. I thought everything would be different. I had a new career, then I had a son, then I had Jeff. Three things that mean everything to me. With just one gone I'm a mess. I don't have Jeff, and right now, I don't have my career. I have my son. I can't lose him too."
"You'll be back, in one month you'll be back on that stage doing what you do best. What makes you happy. You'll get Jeff back, you will. I know it. And when all else fails, you have me, Adam, Matt, DJ, Paul, Chris, all of us to fall back on. We'll never let you down."
"I know." I said. I wiped my tears. "I don't know what I'd do without you. You guys have helped me so much."
I held Jay close to me. I felt so bad for what I had done to him, and relieved at the same time. I had held everything in for so long, too long. And Jay understood. He held me close. I felt safe, very safe. Everything was going to be ok.
"Was that the booze talking?" I asked, knowing it wasn't.
"I don't know what that was." He answered, looking up at me. He kissed me. "I hope this doesn't change anything."
"It didn't last time." I answered. He went to get up. "No, stay. I don't want you to move." I held him close and tight.
He moved up and kissed me. He began to thrust himself inside me again. It was slow and methodical, playful and fun, romantic and exotic. Nothing like I had remembered, and everything I had expected. I didn't ever want to stop. My arms around him, my legs entwined with his.
"Stop?" Jay asked.
"No." I answered. I looked at the clock, it was late, one in the morning. I looked at the playpen where my sleeping son was. Sound asleep. "Keep going."
And we did. Well into the morning. At four, I found myself holding Jay like I was hours before. We were tired out. My arms were around him tight as he laid there on me. I looked at saw that his eyes were closed. I rested my head back on the couch and rubbed Jay's back, and fell asleep.
I woke up before Jay, at ten. Matt was still sleeping too. I rubbed my eyes and looked at Jay. We were still naked, and he was still on me. I patted his back and he woke up.
"Oh, shit." He said, and got up. "Des, I-"
"Jay, it's ok. I know what happened, I wanted it to happen. Don't worry." I sat up and took the blanket draped over the couch over me. "Jay, calm down. I'm fine. It, it was amazing. You were amazing."
He looked down and back to me. "Really? Well, you were great yourself." He laughed a little and found his boxers and put them on. "What are we going to do about it?"
"I really don't know."
"Same as the last time, just forget about it." He said.
I looked up at him. "I don't know, Jay. I mean, I, I don't know. I want you, but." I stopped what I was saying.
"But what?" He asked. "Look, sorry, Des, I don't want things to get weird."
"You don't want me, Jay, you don't."
He sat down next to me and kissed me. "Maybe I do." He said.
"No, Jay, you don't. You want normal. Someone not me. Though, I'll probably be your best lay ever." I smiled.
He laughed. "Yeah, maybe." He got up. "Hungry?"
"I am." I put a shirt on and my underwear, grabbed my son, and followed him into the kitchen.
"I have to get his cereal ready."
"Give him these." He gave me a box of Apple Jax. "Maybe he'll like it."
"He does." I smiled at my baby as he ate the dry cereal.
"And what will you have?"
"Oh, I don't know." I answered. "You?" I looked at him and smiled.
"Are we making this an all day thing?" He asked with a half smile.
"Would it be so bad if I let Jessica watch Matt for the day and you and I spend time together?"
"Ok." He answered. He smiled.
"All right." I laughed a little. I went to the phone and dialed the number written on a piece of paper next to the phone.
"Hello?" Jessica asked.
"Hey, Jess, it's Destiny." I said.
"Oh! Hey! How are you?"
"Fine, fine, and you?"
"Great."
"I have a small favor to ask." I said.
"Sure, of course I'll take Matthew for the day."
"How did you know?" I laughed.
"Just a hunch. Run him over here in like a half hour. Is that ok?"
"Fine. Thanks so much, Jessica." I hung up.
"Guess she said she would." Jay said.
"Yes, she will." I replied. "I'm going to get him ready."
I took Matt upstairs and changed him. I packed a diaper bag for him, of course put a pair of shorts on, and went next door. Jessica was happy to take him. I thanked her a million times before walking back next door. Jay was sitting at the table eating a bowl of cereal.
"Ain't much of a cook." He said.
"You and me both." I laughed. "That lesson, and many others, seemed to skip by me."
Jay laughed and ran at me. He picked me up and ran me up to his bed. He threw me on his bed and I pulled him down with me, undressing him as I kissed him. The sheets on Jay's bed felt good against my bare skin. Jay felt good against my bare skin. I ran my nails up and down his back, and he got goose bumps.
"You drive me crazy." He told me. "Absolutely insane."
I rolled him over on his back. "You'll make a woman very happy one day." I kissed his chest and down to his belly button. I heard him grunt as I was doing it. I moved back up and he went inside me.
I wish I could say I knew what I was doing when I did it, but I didn't. I didn't want Jay to think this was going to happen often. I was alone, very alone. And my mission to find happiness wasn't doing what I wished it would.
After, I threw a long T-shirt on and went out on the balcony of the room. I stood out there and looked out. Everything was so different. I didn't know what end was coming or going. My head was spinning. Spinning out of control.
"Des?" Jay asked. "Something wrong?"
"No." I sighed. "I'm just thinking."
"Me too." He sat on a bench. "About how wrong this all is." He looked up at me. "Des, you're beautiful. And you're a great girl-"
"Jay, don't worry. I know where you're going and I understand."
Jay smiled a little. "Our painful breakup is over."
"It was hard, I know." I sat next to him. "I can't go on."
He laughed. "That's sad, Des."
"I know, you were my whole life, Jay." I said. I stood up and walked to the edge of the balcony. "I have to die now."
I got on the ledge of the fence around the balcony. Jay was laughing. "No, I can't let you die!" I walked close to the edge and Jay stopped laughing. "Des, get down." I didn't listen. "Destiny, I'm serious. Jokes over." But I didn't get down. "Destiny, please, get down. You're starting to scare me. Please, Destiny." I closed my eyes and thought about everything I did wrong. And the list began to grow. I inched closer. "This isn't the way out, Destiny." He kept his distance, but was still there.
"Jay, if I were to fall-"
"I won't let you fall."
"Maybe someone should." I took a deep breath.
"Destiny, what's wrong?" He asked. "You were fine before. What happened?"
"Jay, have you ever felt that no matter how hard you tried, how much you did, the end result was the same? That no matter how hard you tried, you still couldn't do a damn thing right? Well that's how I feel. It's how I've always felt. And, the one person that made me really feel something inside, something completely different, that one person is gone. And why? Because of me. I can't do anything right, Jay, nothing. I have it all in our business but I feel like I don't deserve any of it. I got out every night, do the same things, and I don't feel anything. I'm lost. It's not enough, I'm sorry. I'm not that strong, I'm not that weak. I'm not anything. I'm nothing. It's my fault. I don't know why every time I try to fly, somebody always tries to hold me down. I'm losing my faith every single time I try. No one is on my side. I don't make everyone happy, I make no one happy. Not even myself. But, it's nothing new, I'm used to it. I'm used to pain, agony."
"Destiny?" Jay asked.
"Not used to hearing this from me? I can't stay quiet anymore. I've kept it in so long. I am so lost, so confused. Jay, I'm scared."
"Destiny, I'm here to help. I will always be here to help you. Get down. Talk to me." Jay said. He reached for my hand. I turn around and took it. "Get down." I slipped and fell into his arms. "Don't do that again."
He brought me inside, back into his bedroom. But this time, he held me on his bed. I began to cry. I didn't know what had just come over me or why I did what I did. It shook Jay up pretty badly as well. He was shaking as he held me. I held him back.
"I'm so sorry, Jay. I, I don't know what I was doing." I said. Tears were slowly falling from his eyes.
"Why?" He asked. "Why are you so miserable? So alone, so scared?"
"I don't know. I just, I've always been this way. And I thought I was starting over here in the WWF, ya know. I thought everything would be different. I had a new career, then I had a son, then I had Jeff. Three things that mean everything to me. With just one gone I'm a mess. I don't have Jeff, and right now, I don't have my career. I have my son. I can't lose him too."
"You'll be back, in one month you'll be back on that stage doing what you do best. What makes you happy. You'll get Jeff back, you will. I know it. And when all else fails, you have me, Adam, Matt, DJ, Paul, Chris, all of us to fall back on. We'll never let you down."
"I know." I said. I wiped my tears. "I don't know what I'd do without you. You guys have helped me so much."
I held Jay close to me. I felt so bad for what I had done to him, and relieved at the same time. I had held everything in for so long, too long. And Jay understood. He held me close. I felt safe, very safe. Everything was going to be ok.