I could hear Jay's heart beat as I laid there. His breathing was fast. And I knew I was the reason why. I sat up and looked at him straight in the eyes. He looked at me back.
"I'm sorry, Jay. Sorry about that."
"It's all right. I had no idea you felt that way." He said. "I didn't know you were hurting that much."
"How would you know?" I said.
"I just feel that I should have known something was wrong."
"Jay, you can't know what no one will tell you." I looked at him. "Besides, I don't want pity. I don't want anyone's pity."
"We don't worry out of pity. We worry because we care about you. We care about what happens to you. All of us, and I mean Matt, Chris, Adam, DJ, Paul, and myself, and Jeff, would put their lives on the line for you."
"You have no idea how good it feels to hear that. After for so long feeling and knowing, and being told that you're not worth a damn."
"You're worth a damn to us. A whole damn."
Jay gave me confidence in myself, confidence no one else had given me. He also made me realize that Matt, Chris, Adam, DJ, Paul, Stephanie also gave me that confidence. And, no matter how far I could get from the business, Jeff was still there. For better or for worse, he was still a big part of my life. I had to get him back. And Jay, in his own way, probably without even intending to or realizing it, gave me the confidence and the drive to do that.
"Please, Destiny, next time you feel this way, talk to me, to anyone. Don't let it get like this." Jay said. "I don't want to take the chance in losing you. I couldn't live with myself if you had gone."
I gave Jay a hug and thanked him for everything. He was my savior and I couldn't have done a lot without him. Jessica arrived with Matthew at six that night. It felt good to have my son in my arms again. Jay ordered us pizza that night. It was a simple night. Jay told me where I can put mine and Matthew's things and where I could set my cars up.
"It'll be fun." He smiled. "And, I promise, no funny business."
"I'm not worried about that." I said. "You know, I really have to thank you for letting Matt and myself stay here. Now and letting us bring some things down here."
"Hey, what are friends for?"
For awhile, I thought I had forgotten what they were for. I had forgotten a lot. But, being with Jay I realized what they were for, what a lot of things were about. It felt good to get some feeling back. It felt good to remember how it feels to be wanted. I had forgotten so much because of the shit I went through with Amy.
That night, I had another nightmare of my past. New York was haunting me in everyway. I tossed and turned as images of my father and mother striking me flashed in my memory. I saw the abandonment, relived the feeling. Each word was negative, I never felt as if I ever mattered to them.
"You're wasting your life away." My mother told me. "If you even think you will make it doing this shit, you have another thing coming. You better wake up, get the fuck out of this dream world you're living in and start living down here on earth. You'll never make it doing what you're doing. You're a no body, and you never will be somebody."
"No!" I would scream. "You don't know a damn thing!"
"Watch your language! Who the hell do you think you're talking to? Huh? This is not some movie set, you're not a big star here. You never were. You better watch yourself, Destiny." And she hit me.
"That's where you're wrong!" I finally stood up for myself. "You and dad are both wrong. You're wrong in how you judge me, about how I'll turn out. All of it. You never were right! Watch, you'll see. One day I am going to sore above you, and you will wish you had cared! You will wish you noticed! Because, one day I might not be here, and you will be to blame! I am sick of your shit, I'm not taking it anymore! It's jealousy that runs through your veins, each time you see a movie, or me, you can't stand to know that I am someone!" I was crying and yelling at them. "This, this isn't normal! What kind of child lives like this? In fear that her parents are going to one day beat her to death."
"It can happen." My father said. "You were a mistake. A bad one at that."
"A mistake, maybe. But the two of you are the biggest mistakes by far. But, I am not going to take this anymore. I'm going to fight back."
"Try."
With my mother watching, my father beat me. Badly I might add. I tossed and turned in my sleep, and began to scream. Jay rushed in and woke me up. I shot up out of bed and looked around. I was sweating, and Jay was by my side.
"What's wrong? I heard you screaming from my room." He brushed my hair back.
"A bad dream." I answered. "I keep reliving my past. These nightmares of my parents, what they did to me."
"What did they do?" He asked.
"They were so abusive, both physically and mentally. I couldn't get away from it. It surrounded me, and to this day it still haunts me."
"Destiny, I'm sorry."
"Don't be. I just want to break free. They're no longer here, I have been away from them for so long, but it still haunts me. And now, it's all coming back to me."
"Is that why you were so quick to get on the ledge?"
"I guess so. They are always in my mind, telling me I'm not good enough. When I doubt something, it's because of them. They are always telling me I'm a fuck up, that I'm a screw up. I want to break free, and I am trying so hard, but nothing works."
"Destiny, you have so many qualities in you that are amazing. Whatever they said to you in the past I know isn't true. They have controlled you too long. You have to be free from their hold on you. Now, here, you have the time and strength to get rid of them. You have to." He said to me. "I know you can."
I didn't want to go back to sleep alone. I begged Jay to stay with me. He did and held me all night. I wanted so desperately to move on, to get away from my parents and my past in New York. I wanted to just get on with my life. My mind was ready, but my heart wasn't. It was another battle between the heart and the mind. An oh so common tale but each time it was so unclear on how to get to the end.
I woke up the next morning, and Jay was holding Matthew on the bed. Jay smiled at me when he saw my eyes open. I smiled back and sat up.
"Good news." He told me. "I called a moving agency place and they said they'd move your things down from New York and from North Carolina to here. You just have to call them back and give them the addresses to the houses, and send them a copy of the house keys."
"Thank you Jay." I kissed his cheek. "I'll drive the car down. I am going to bring the Vette down. They can take the bikes and stuff."
"I told them about the cars and the bikes and all that."
"Well, I'd have to think about what house I want to completely get rid of."
"Well, when you decide, call them up. The numbers on the pad on the counter."
I nodded and smiled. Jay got up with Matthew and left the room. I laid back down, looking up at the ceiling, thinking. Thinking about what it was I was going to do next. I never cared much about tomorrow, but I found myself not being able to stop thinking about it. So much had to be done. And not with me moving down to Florida, but with my life. With Jeff.
I had been obsessed over the idea of getting Jeff in my life again. I had so many ideas of what I'd say, and when it came down to saying it, I just couldn't. I was very worried about what he'd think about this whole thing. I hadn't spoken to him since that day, and he showed no desire to speak to me.
I rolled over to the phone and started dialing a number. I didn't know why, or what I was doing. My fingers were doing all the work. The ring tone rang several times, and I didn't bother putting the phone down. Not until the voice from the other end said, "hello?" I said nothing. "Hello? Matt, you pulling pranks? Or is that you Adam? I thought I taught you a lesson last night. My fist still hurts." It was Jeff's cell. "I swear to God, whoever it is. I know it's one of you."
"No." I said, I covered my mouth.
"What? Who is this?"
I hung up. What was I doing? I didn't know. I knew I had to do something soon about this. It was driving me crazy.
I got out of bed and went downstairs. Jay had Matt sitting on the counter and he was playing the radio. Jay was dancing in front of the counter making toast and whatnot. Matt was laughing and clapping along. I smiled, leaning against the doorway. Jay looked up and saw me, and promptly stopped. He smiled and went about his business. I walked in and grabbed the pad with the movers number on it and went to the phone in the study.
"I'd like to move most of my apartment in New York down here to Tampa Florida." I said.
"All right, we need to know the addresses." I gave him the information. "What are we moving?"
"Well, there's clothing, baby things. You know what, why don't I go up there with you."
"Sure." The man said.
"I will leave here on Friday, and I will be up there and I will tell you what to move."
"It's a deal."
I hung up and went back into the kitchen. Jay's dancing was done for the morning. He was watching Matt on the counter and his food at the same time. Matt had an open box of Cheerios, most didn't even make it into his mouth, but onto the counter top and the floor.
"What I have to look forward to." Jay smiled.
"Always having to clean up after your baby." I brushed Matthew's hair back out of his face. "But it's always worth it." I smiled at my baby. "God, he's so big. Feels like yesterday he was this big."
"I know. Watching him grow up, it's amazing. I feel like I helped raise him too. All of us have at some point. Matt may be his biological father, but the other six of us are his dads too."
"Six?"
"Adam, Chris, Paul, Jeff, DJ, myself." Jay answered. "Jeff did help raise Matt. He looked past his own brother being the father."
"I know. He did too much. He walked into a very weird situation and he handled it so well. And what did I do? I messed all of that up. He looked past the one night stands I had while I started here. He looked past Matt and I, and the baby. He put a lot on the line and put his pride aside. Look what I did."
"Destiny, why don't you tell him? That's what all of this goes back to. Tell him. You've told me, Adam, everyone. Tell him."
"If it were only that easy." I sighed. "I know I have to. I want to."
"Then why not do it? You have a month here. Use that time to seriously think about it. I think you should, really." He kissed my cheek. "It's really best if you try. You're both dying inside to talk to each other. He won't because he is still hurt. You have to make this move."
It was my move. The ball has been in my court for a while now. Time had passed and things had cooled off. He wasn't after my head anymore. But, it was so hard to turn around after all that time and try to fix something I had messed up. Everything in me wanted to, but the voices in my head kept telling me I was the screw up and I now had to live with what I had done. This was the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with in my life so far.
I knew going up to New York to remove basically everything from my apartment was going to be both a breath of fresh air and very difficult at the same time. I hadn't once thought about leaving the place, it meant so much to me. But it was also a place where so much bad had happened. But I had to finally give it up, move on, start over. It would be the first step of the new Destiny.
Most of what I owned was there, very little was at Matt's house. I would be meeting the movers there in three days. Jay would be gone, and I would be going up there. Then, I would have the house to myself to fix up the rooms Jay said I could have, and to do some well over due thinking. And, not just about Jeff, but the match I came up with and how I was going to finally lay to rest the years of abuse I had dished out and received. I don't think anyone would ever understand how hard it was to let this go, and how hard it was to keep it gone. Because I will tell you right now, it was very hard to stay away, and there were many times where things got rough, got heated.
I had always wondered if putting that match together was worth it. There were days when it was more bad than good. Some days when I just wanted to rip into her, just because I needed someone to rip into. Or, because she really did deserve it. I had become so used to turning to Amy when something was wrong because she was the only person I could beat up for no reason. She didn't have to be any part of the reason why I was pissed off, but she was Amy and I had the right to kick the crap out of her. And, I bet if you ask her, she felt the same way about me.
The Lita/Desitny angle was the biggest thing since the Austin/McMahon one. The fans reacted to it. It was so real, because it was real. The fans latched onto it. We had become the money makers, and when we would face each other, we were out for blood, and the fans ate it up. We took each match to another level. Nothing we did was ever like the time before. Each time out was different. And I think the fans respected the fact that what we brought to the table was real. At first, they didn't know that, but they did catch on and saw that this wasn't something Vince McMahon wrote down, but something that was inside the both of us. They saw that it was real and they believed in it more. They knew they weren't going to get ripped off by some stupid poorly acted screen play. They were getting the real thing. We gave them it all, and they appreciated it.
"I'm leaving soon." Jay said. "You'll be fine without me, right?"
"Of course. I have the moving to do and Matt here to take care of. I'll be fine." I answered.
"If you ever need anything, call me." He told me. "Don't be afraid to."
"I know, I won't." I told him.
Jay walked over to me and started rubbing my shoulders. "I just don't want you to feel like you have no one to talk to."
"I'll be fine." I told him.
He smiled and sat down with Matthew in his lap. I could see the sparkle in Matt's eyes as he looked into Jay's as Jay watched TV. Jay was the only person who could have Matthew fall deep asleep in his arms. Jay was the only one besides me who could make Matthew do a lot of things. If I wasn't around, Jay was the one Matthew would turn to, more, sometimes, than his own father. Appearance wise, Matthew was a Hardy through and through. Because of the way he looked was the only reason why I didn't get a paternity test to see if Jay was the actual father. Looks alone settled it.
I would get second thoughts every once in a while, but it was so obvious on who the father really was. I wasn't worried about anything along lose lines. I looked at the two again. Jay was looking at the TV, but Matthew was looking up at him, a sort of awe look on his face. A few strands of hair were in his face, but he didn't budge. He just sat there, admiring Jay. I could feel a sense of warmth inside my heart. A real family feeling. A feeling I hadn't felt since I was with Jeff.
"I'm sorry, Jay. Sorry about that."
"It's all right. I had no idea you felt that way." He said. "I didn't know you were hurting that much."
"How would you know?" I said.
"I just feel that I should have known something was wrong."
"Jay, you can't know what no one will tell you." I looked at him. "Besides, I don't want pity. I don't want anyone's pity."
"We don't worry out of pity. We worry because we care about you. We care about what happens to you. All of us, and I mean Matt, Chris, Adam, DJ, Paul, and myself, and Jeff, would put their lives on the line for you."
"You have no idea how good it feels to hear that. After for so long feeling and knowing, and being told that you're not worth a damn."
"You're worth a damn to us. A whole damn."
Jay gave me confidence in myself, confidence no one else had given me. He also made me realize that Matt, Chris, Adam, DJ, Paul, Stephanie also gave me that confidence. And, no matter how far I could get from the business, Jeff was still there. For better or for worse, he was still a big part of my life. I had to get him back. And Jay, in his own way, probably without even intending to or realizing it, gave me the confidence and the drive to do that.
"Please, Destiny, next time you feel this way, talk to me, to anyone. Don't let it get like this." Jay said. "I don't want to take the chance in losing you. I couldn't live with myself if you had gone."
I gave Jay a hug and thanked him for everything. He was my savior and I couldn't have done a lot without him. Jessica arrived with Matthew at six that night. It felt good to have my son in my arms again. Jay ordered us pizza that night. It was a simple night. Jay told me where I can put mine and Matthew's things and where I could set my cars up.
"It'll be fun." He smiled. "And, I promise, no funny business."
"I'm not worried about that." I said. "You know, I really have to thank you for letting Matt and myself stay here. Now and letting us bring some things down here."
"Hey, what are friends for?"
For awhile, I thought I had forgotten what they were for. I had forgotten a lot. But, being with Jay I realized what they were for, what a lot of things were about. It felt good to get some feeling back. It felt good to remember how it feels to be wanted. I had forgotten so much because of the shit I went through with Amy.
That night, I had another nightmare of my past. New York was haunting me in everyway. I tossed and turned as images of my father and mother striking me flashed in my memory. I saw the abandonment, relived the feeling. Each word was negative, I never felt as if I ever mattered to them.
"You're wasting your life away." My mother told me. "If you even think you will make it doing this shit, you have another thing coming. You better wake up, get the fuck out of this dream world you're living in and start living down here on earth. You'll never make it doing what you're doing. You're a no body, and you never will be somebody."
"No!" I would scream. "You don't know a damn thing!"
"Watch your language! Who the hell do you think you're talking to? Huh? This is not some movie set, you're not a big star here. You never were. You better watch yourself, Destiny." And she hit me.
"That's where you're wrong!" I finally stood up for myself. "You and dad are both wrong. You're wrong in how you judge me, about how I'll turn out. All of it. You never were right! Watch, you'll see. One day I am going to sore above you, and you will wish you had cared! You will wish you noticed! Because, one day I might not be here, and you will be to blame! I am sick of your shit, I'm not taking it anymore! It's jealousy that runs through your veins, each time you see a movie, or me, you can't stand to know that I am someone!" I was crying and yelling at them. "This, this isn't normal! What kind of child lives like this? In fear that her parents are going to one day beat her to death."
"It can happen." My father said. "You were a mistake. A bad one at that."
"A mistake, maybe. But the two of you are the biggest mistakes by far. But, I am not going to take this anymore. I'm going to fight back."
"Try."
With my mother watching, my father beat me. Badly I might add. I tossed and turned in my sleep, and began to scream. Jay rushed in and woke me up. I shot up out of bed and looked around. I was sweating, and Jay was by my side.
"What's wrong? I heard you screaming from my room." He brushed my hair back.
"A bad dream." I answered. "I keep reliving my past. These nightmares of my parents, what they did to me."
"What did they do?" He asked.
"They were so abusive, both physically and mentally. I couldn't get away from it. It surrounded me, and to this day it still haunts me."
"Destiny, I'm sorry."
"Don't be. I just want to break free. They're no longer here, I have been away from them for so long, but it still haunts me. And now, it's all coming back to me."
"Is that why you were so quick to get on the ledge?"
"I guess so. They are always in my mind, telling me I'm not good enough. When I doubt something, it's because of them. They are always telling me I'm a fuck up, that I'm a screw up. I want to break free, and I am trying so hard, but nothing works."
"Destiny, you have so many qualities in you that are amazing. Whatever they said to you in the past I know isn't true. They have controlled you too long. You have to be free from their hold on you. Now, here, you have the time and strength to get rid of them. You have to." He said to me. "I know you can."
I didn't want to go back to sleep alone. I begged Jay to stay with me. He did and held me all night. I wanted so desperately to move on, to get away from my parents and my past in New York. I wanted to just get on with my life. My mind was ready, but my heart wasn't. It was another battle between the heart and the mind. An oh so common tale but each time it was so unclear on how to get to the end.
I woke up the next morning, and Jay was holding Matthew on the bed. Jay smiled at me when he saw my eyes open. I smiled back and sat up.
"Good news." He told me. "I called a moving agency place and they said they'd move your things down from New York and from North Carolina to here. You just have to call them back and give them the addresses to the houses, and send them a copy of the house keys."
"Thank you Jay." I kissed his cheek. "I'll drive the car down. I am going to bring the Vette down. They can take the bikes and stuff."
"I told them about the cars and the bikes and all that."
"Well, I'd have to think about what house I want to completely get rid of."
"Well, when you decide, call them up. The numbers on the pad on the counter."
I nodded and smiled. Jay got up with Matthew and left the room. I laid back down, looking up at the ceiling, thinking. Thinking about what it was I was going to do next. I never cared much about tomorrow, but I found myself not being able to stop thinking about it. So much had to be done. And not with me moving down to Florida, but with my life. With Jeff.
I had been obsessed over the idea of getting Jeff in my life again. I had so many ideas of what I'd say, and when it came down to saying it, I just couldn't. I was very worried about what he'd think about this whole thing. I hadn't spoken to him since that day, and he showed no desire to speak to me.
I rolled over to the phone and started dialing a number. I didn't know why, or what I was doing. My fingers were doing all the work. The ring tone rang several times, and I didn't bother putting the phone down. Not until the voice from the other end said, "hello?" I said nothing. "Hello? Matt, you pulling pranks? Or is that you Adam? I thought I taught you a lesson last night. My fist still hurts." It was Jeff's cell. "I swear to God, whoever it is. I know it's one of you."
"No." I said, I covered my mouth.
"What? Who is this?"
I hung up. What was I doing? I didn't know. I knew I had to do something soon about this. It was driving me crazy.
I got out of bed and went downstairs. Jay had Matt sitting on the counter and he was playing the radio. Jay was dancing in front of the counter making toast and whatnot. Matt was laughing and clapping along. I smiled, leaning against the doorway. Jay looked up and saw me, and promptly stopped. He smiled and went about his business. I walked in and grabbed the pad with the movers number on it and went to the phone in the study.
"I'd like to move most of my apartment in New York down here to Tampa Florida." I said.
"All right, we need to know the addresses." I gave him the information. "What are we moving?"
"Well, there's clothing, baby things. You know what, why don't I go up there with you."
"Sure." The man said.
"I will leave here on Friday, and I will be up there and I will tell you what to move."
"It's a deal."
I hung up and went back into the kitchen. Jay's dancing was done for the morning. He was watching Matt on the counter and his food at the same time. Matt had an open box of Cheerios, most didn't even make it into his mouth, but onto the counter top and the floor.
"What I have to look forward to." Jay smiled.
"Always having to clean up after your baby." I brushed Matthew's hair back out of his face. "But it's always worth it." I smiled at my baby. "God, he's so big. Feels like yesterday he was this big."
"I know. Watching him grow up, it's amazing. I feel like I helped raise him too. All of us have at some point. Matt may be his biological father, but the other six of us are his dads too."
"Six?"
"Adam, Chris, Paul, Jeff, DJ, myself." Jay answered. "Jeff did help raise Matt. He looked past his own brother being the father."
"I know. He did too much. He walked into a very weird situation and he handled it so well. And what did I do? I messed all of that up. He looked past the one night stands I had while I started here. He looked past Matt and I, and the baby. He put a lot on the line and put his pride aside. Look what I did."
"Destiny, why don't you tell him? That's what all of this goes back to. Tell him. You've told me, Adam, everyone. Tell him."
"If it were only that easy." I sighed. "I know I have to. I want to."
"Then why not do it? You have a month here. Use that time to seriously think about it. I think you should, really." He kissed my cheek. "It's really best if you try. You're both dying inside to talk to each other. He won't because he is still hurt. You have to make this move."
It was my move. The ball has been in my court for a while now. Time had passed and things had cooled off. He wasn't after my head anymore. But, it was so hard to turn around after all that time and try to fix something I had messed up. Everything in me wanted to, but the voices in my head kept telling me I was the screw up and I now had to live with what I had done. This was the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with in my life so far.
I knew going up to New York to remove basically everything from my apartment was going to be both a breath of fresh air and very difficult at the same time. I hadn't once thought about leaving the place, it meant so much to me. But it was also a place where so much bad had happened. But I had to finally give it up, move on, start over. It would be the first step of the new Destiny.
Most of what I owned was there, very little was at Matt's house. I would be meeting the movers there in three days. Jay would be gone, and I would be going up there. Then, I would have the house to myself to fix up the rooms Jay said I could have, and to do some well over due thinking. And, not just about Jeff, but the match I came up with and how I was going to finally lay to rest the years of abuse I had dished out and received. I don't think anyone would ever understand how hard it was to let this go, and how hard it was to keep it gone. Because I will tell you right now, it was very hard to stay away, and there were many times where things got rough, got heated.
I had always wondered if putting that match together was worth it. There were days when it was more bad than good. Some days when I just wanted to rip into her, just because I needed someone to rip into. Or, because she really did deserve it. I had become so used to turning to Amy when something was wrong because she was the only person I could beat up for no reason. She didn't have to be any part of the reason why I was pissed off, but she was Amy and I had the right to kick the crap out of her. And, I bet if you ask her, she felt the same way about me.
The Lita/Desitny angle was the biggest thing since the Austin/McMahon one. The fans reacted to it. It was so real, because it was real. The fans latched onto it. We had become the money makers, and when we would face each other, we were out for blood, and the fans ate it up. We took each match to another level. Nothing we did was ever like the time before. Each time out was different. And I think the fans respected the fact that what we brought to the table was real. At first, they didn't know that, but they did catch on and saw that this wasn't something Vince McMahon wrote down, but something that was inside the both of us. They saw that it was real and they believed in it more. They knew they weren't going to get ripped off by some stupid poorly acted screen play. They were getting the real thing. We gave them it all, and they appreciated it.
"I'm leaving soon." Jay said. "You'll be fine without me, right?"
"Of course. I have the moving to do and Matt here to take care of. I'll be fine." I answered.
"If you ever need anything, call me." He told me. "Don't be afraid to."
"I know, I won't." I told him.
Jay walked over to me and started rubbing my shoulders. "I just don't want you to feel like you have no one to talk to."
"I'll be fine." I told him.
He smiled and sat down with Matthew in his lap. I could see the sparkle in Matt's eyes as he looked into Jay's as Jay watched TV. Jay was the only person who could have Matthew fall deep asleep in his arms. Jay was the only one besides me who could make Matthew do a lot of things. If I wasn't around, Jay was the one Matthew would turn to, more, sometimes, than his own father. Appearance wise, Matthew was a Hardy through and through. Because of the way he looked was the only reason why I didn't get a paternity test to see if Jay was the actual father. Looks alone settled it.
I would get second thoughts every once in a while, but it was so obvious on who the father really was. I wasn't worried about anything along lose lines. I looked at the two again. Jay was looking at the TV, but Matthew was looking up at him, a sort of awe look on his face. A few strands of hair were in his face, but he didn't budge. He just sat there, admiring Jay. I could feel a sense of warmth inside my heart. A real family feeling. A feeling I hadn't felt since I was with Jeff.