I headed upstairs to sort out the mess I had made. The window was still open. I walked to it and looked out. The ocean, the beauty. Then I thought, what the hell was I thinking? Was jumping going to solve anything? Absolutely not. I closed the window and turned from it.
Looking back, I would have hit myself for attempting to end my life. The events that had played out before were indeed tough, and some that were to come were going to be worse, but the over all payoff was worth the fight. The long hard road known as life is never settled by jumping out of a window or slitting your wrists. Jay had once again saved my life.
Jay was without a shadow of doubt my very best friend. I would die for him. While writing this, I told Jay what I was going to say about him, and it brought a tear to his eye. He told me he believed that Matt was the person who all of this was about, but I told him Matt was like a brother, siblings fight. Then he said that Paul should be worthy of this. I told him Paul was my father, and children always get into fights with their parents. Jay helped me through every single problem I had. He was there every step of the way, the only person who never turned his back on me, even in the slightest. He never yelled at me, but comforted me. I don't think I would have been able to put my feet on the ground if it weren't for Jay.
Once I told him how I felt, he told me how he felt. That I was his very best friend. That I gave him the confidence to face a lot of things. He said he would never have been able to be a husband, and a father to be if it weren't for me. I take pride in being able to hook Jay up with his wife. He even told her that I was his best friend, and in many ways came first. We hang out a lot, and for a while, she got jealous and nearly broke off the engagement. I explained to her everything.
Jay and I were very much on the same page, but also part of two very different books. He understood why I did the things I did sometimes, but he never really got why. Like, with the whole Amy match, he understood why I had to do it. But, he just didn't see it from my point of view. He was the only one who was there every day since the Matt incident two years ago.
I heard someone come into my room. I turned and saw Jay with the Tag Team Title in his hands. I smiled and laughed.
"I owned this once. Seven times actually." He said looking at it. "I put Matt in his playpen."
"Ok." I replied. "Yea, feels good to own it."
"And the Women's Title."
"Ah, yes, but not for long." I said. "If I get my way, I won't own it for long."
"Right, you're insane and dropping it to Amy of all people." He threw the belt onto the bed.
"It may be insane, but it's what I have to do. If I don't do this now, I am going to have worse days with Amy."
"True. And you need to concentrate on the tag titles." He sat down. "Ready?"
"For what?"
"This step. Coming here, dropping the Women's, facing Amy a last time."
"Of course." I answered still looking out the window.
"Destiny, are you really ready?" He asked more serious. "This isn't just some story line you can bullshit your way through. It's not some task that any one of us can guide you through ever so carefully. It's about you, and you alone. Something you have to go through, you have to deal with."
"I know, and I am finally ready." I told him.
And I was. Finally ready to put so much behind me. He was right. I couldn't bullshit my way through it. I couldn't expect to have him or anyone else sugar coat it for me anymore. Moving, the match, Tampa, it was all self realization. And I knew were the end result would lead to...Jeff.
Jay helped me clean up the mess in the bedroom. It was a pretty big mess. The whole time I was cleaning, I couldn't help but think that after this was over, after I was settled in here, and after I had finished with Amy, I would be meeting Jeff. And, a year of pain, heartbreak, would come full circle as we tried to sort out what we could. There was no doubt I had beaten around the bush, I had tried to get out it so many times. But, once this was over with, I didn't have any more excuses left. It had to be done.
I hugged Jay good-bye as his flight left at 8:00 Monday morning. I saw him off with Matthew in my hands. My flight to New York left in two hours. I had no place to go, so I waited in the airport. I thought about leaving everything behind in New York, finally selling the place. I had decided on keeping what was at Matt's, at Matt's. Most of my dirt bikes, a few motorcycles, some of Matthew's things, some of my things, and my Camaero. The rest of my things, the two dirt bikes, the three motorcycles and my Vette were all coming with me.
Matthew fell asleep in my arms. I cradled him as I sat there. I was scared. Scared that I was going to be on my own for this. No one could help me. When I came back to the WWF, no one could help me with anything. I had to do this on my own. I had to grow up.
My flight was finally called and I took my sleeping son and the one carry on onto the flight. I sat in my seat and got ready to take off. We flew out of Florida, and sailed to New York. I didn't write, listen to music, nothing on the flight. Matthew was good, he sat there and minded himself. I thought. I didn't know much of anything else. Most of what I knew, I was going to be clearing out of my life, in hopes to start something new.
I felt bound, tied, to New York. I couldn't get away from it. It was there at each turn. I was going to put a stop to the pain. I was sick of seeing it, using it as an excuse. I was determined to get over this, over myself.
The plane touched ground in JFK International Airport. I hauled a cab and set off for Manhattan. Matthew was good on the ride there. He sat with me and looked out the window. He would make little baby noises and point to things. I played with the pieces of hair that fell in his face.
"Look just like your father." I told him.
I sat him down and took a brush out and brushed his hair out. I put it back up in a ponytail. I twirled the ponytail in my fingers. God, did he remind me so much of Matt. In the back of my mind I had the whole marriage situation still playing out. It was a good idea, it was for Matt, but were we ready to grow up like that? I knew I sure as hell wasn't. It crushed Matt to know we weren't going to go through with it. But, I bet he was relieved at the same time. It felt right, but it also felt so wrong. I've said it many times, and I'll say it again, Matt and I have tend to mistake the sexual tensions there for something more. We're simply as close as brother and sister. But, sometimes, you get blindsided.
I looked down at my hand and realized I hadn't taken the ring off. It was so beautiful, and I wasn't going to not wear it. I took the silver chain off of my neck and put the ring around the chain. I wear it, to this day. It's a small reminder of me and Matt, of everything about us.
The cab pulled up in front of the apartment building, no movers yet. I thanked him, paid him, and went inside. Barry, the usual doorman wasn't there. I walked inside expecting to hear Susan, the cheerful desk lady, but she wasn't there either. At least I had Paul, the elevator man.
"Destiny! Darling, so good to see you." Paul said with a smile and a hug. "It's been awhile since I've seen you. I watch you on TV all the time. What's happening with you, dear? So much bad on the TV. Have you come back home darling?" He was so sweet. "Oh, baby Matthew. How is the little boy?"
"He's doing great, Paul, thank you. It's rough at work, but I'm getting through it."
"I can see it's rough, sweetie. But, you have two belts. Congratulations. So, what brings you home, princesses?"
"Moving, Paul."
"Moving? Where? Why?"
"Tampa, Florida. I'm staying with a friend. It's just easier for me right now, Paul. I know, it's hard leaving here, but it's just something I need to do." I answered.
"Will you come by and visit, sugar?" He asked.
"You, Paul, I would do more." I smiled and he smiled back. Then I reached my floor. "I will see you on the way down."
I walked inside the room, it was cold. I shuddered when I walked in. Memories began to fly at me a mile a minute. I set Matthew down and slowly walked in. I didn't want to spend the night here, and hoped I didn't have to. The place was empty of anything. It was an eerie feeling. I hadn't been there in months. Everything was left the way it was the last time it was in use. My cell phone rang.
"Destiny, make it there ok?" It was Jay.
"Yea, just walked in." I answered. "It's so freaky, I don't like it. These movers better get here, I don't want to spend the night. I'll stay in a hotel if I have to."
"You'll be outta there in no time." He told me. "Everyone's asking about you, though. You're the life of the Goddamn party, ya know that? Everyone loves you."
"No, not everyone."
"Pretty much. They're wondering about you. I told them you were just peachy. Chris misses ya a hell of a lot."
"Sweet of him." I said. "Matthew, no, don't touch that."
Jay laughed. "Apartment not baby proof?"
"It never was. My parents would have loved for me to kill myself on something around here as a kid." I answered. "Surprised they didn't fake an accident around here."
"You hang in there, kid." He told me. "I'm pulling for you."
"I know, I'm trying." I sighed. "Don't miss me too much, ok?"
"I won't, just don't miss me too much. I know how impossible it is."
"Oh, right, I know. I can't live without you." I said sarcastically.
"I'll let you get back to trying to fake accidents. Call me when you're ready to move out."
"You got it."
I hung up. I set up Matthew's portable playpen and stuck him inside so I could make heads or tails out of everything. It wasn't messy, it was just a matter of what was staying and what wasn't. I didn't need a bed, dressers or any other furniture. I needed clothes, shoes, toys, anything that Jay didn't have. I started with Matthew's things. I folded his crib up, took apart the playpen in his room, it was too heavy to lug around and I didn't' feel like it. The movers came in the middle of my wrecking spree.
"I can start putting clothes in boxes. I need these things moved." I said.
As the movers took apart Matthew's things and boxed his toys, I went through my closets and drawers. The room Jay gave me had a lot of closet space. More than I'd ever need I think. I took the clothes off hangers in the closet and left them in a pile in the closet for whoever would come in next. I empty my drawers. As I filled boxes up, the movers took them away.
After I filled up my clothes, I worked on Matthew's. After that, I took boxes and started putting books I had in bookshelves and old records we had. I wrapped up anything that was of value to me. Then I came to our white grand piano. I sat at it and put my fingers on the keys. I hadn't played in a very long time, but it all came back to me once my fingers hit the keys.
"Do you want to take that?" A mover asked me.
I nodded my head. "Yes, I do."
After hours of hard work, my apartment was empty. Memories were washed away. My life was starting over. As I walked out of the apartment, I was taking the very first step.
Looking back, I would have hit myself for attempting to end my life. The events that had played out before were indeed tough, and some that were to come were going to be worse, but the over all payoff was worth the fight. The long hard road known as life is never settled by jumping out of a window or slitting your wrists. Jay had once again saved my life.
Jay was without a shadow of doubt my very best friend. I would die for him. While writing this, I told Jay what I was going to say about him, and it brought a tear to his eye. He told me he believed that Matt was the person who all of this was about, but I told him Matt was like a brother, siblings fight. Then he said that Paul should be worthy of this. I told him Paul was my father, and children always get into fights with their parents. Jay helped me through every single problem I had. He was there every step of the way, the only person who never turned his back on me, even in the slightest. He never yelled at me, but comforted me. I don't think I would have been able to put my feet on the ground if it weren't for Jay.
Once I told him how I felt, he told me how he felt. That I was his very best friend. That I gave him the confidence to face a lot of things. He said he would never have been able to be a husband, and a father to be if it weren't for me. I take pride in being able to hook Jay up with his wife. He even told her that I was his best friend, and in many ways came first. We hang out a lot, and for a while, she got jealous and nearly broke off the engagement. I explained to her everything.
Jay and I were very much on the same page, but also part of two very different books. He understood why I did the things I did sometimes, but he never really got why. Like, with the whole Amy match, he understood why I had to do it. But, he just didn't see it from my point of view. He was the only one who was there every day since the Matt incident two years ago.
I heard someone come into my room. I turned and saw Jay with the Tag Team Title in his hands. I smiled and laughed.
"I owned this once. Seven times actually." He said looking at it. "I put Matt in his playpen."
"Ok." I replied. "Yea, feels good to own it."
"And the Women's Title."
"Ah, yes, but not for long." I said. "If I get my way, I won't own it for long."
"Right, you're insane and dropping it to Amy of all people." He threw the belt onto the bed.
"It may be insane, but it's what I have to do. If I don't do this now, I am going to have worse days with Amy."
"True. And you need to concentrate on the tag titles." He sat down. "Ready?"
"For what?"
"This step. Coming here, dropping the Women's, facing Amy a last time."
"Of course." I answered still looking out the window.
"Destiny, are you really ready?" He asked more serious. "This isn't just some story line you can bullshit your way through. It's not some task that any one of us can guide you through ever so carefully. It's about you, and you alone. Something you have to go through, you have to deal with."
"I know, and I am finally ready." I told him.
And I was. Finally ready to put so much behind me. He was right. I couldn't bullshit my way through it. I couldn't expect to have him or anyone else sugar coat it for me anymore. Moving, the match, Tampa, it was all self realization. And I knew were the end result would lead to...Jeff.
Jay helped me clean up the mess in the bedroom. It was a pretty big mess. The whole time I was cleaning, I couldn't help but think that after this was over, after I was settled in here, and after I had finished with Amy, I would be meeting Jeff. And, a year of pain, heartbreak, would come full circle as we tried to sort out what we could. There was no doubt I had beaten around the bush, I had tried to get out it so many times. But, once this was over with, I didn't have any more excuses left. It had to be done.
I hugged Jay good-bye as his flight left at 8:00 Monday morning. I saw him off with Matthew in my hands. My flight to New York left in two hours. I had no place to go, so I waited in the airport. I thought about leaving everything behind in New York, finally selling the place. I had decided on keeping what was at Matt's, at Matt's. Most of my dirt bikes, a few motorcycles, some of Matthew's things, some of my things, and my Camaero. The rest of my things, the two dirt bikes, the three motorcycles and my Vette were all coming with me.
Matthew fell asleep in my arms. I cradled him as I sat there. I was scared. Scared that I was going to be on my own for this. No one could help me. When I came back to the WWF, no one could help me with anything. I had to do this on my own. I had to grow up.
My flight was finally called and I took my sleeping son and the one carry on onto the flight. I sat in my seat and got ready to take off. We flew out of Florida, and sailed to New York. I didn't write, listen to music, nothing on the flight. Matthew was good, he sat there and minded himself. I thought. I didn't know much of anything else. Most of what I knew, I was going to be clearing out of my life, in hopes to start something new.
I felt bound, tied, to New York. I couldn't get away from it. It was there at each turn. I was going to put a stop to the pain. I was sick of seeing it, using it as an excuse. I was determined to get over this, over myself.
The plane touched ground in JFK International Airport. I hauled a cab and set off for Manhattan. Matthew was good on the ride there. He sat with me and looked out the window. He would make little baby noises and point to things. I played with the pieces of hair that fell in his face.
"Look just like your father." I told him.
I sat him down and took a brush out and brushed his hair out. I put it back up in a ponytail. I twirled the ponytail in my fingers. God, did he remind me so much of Matt. In the back of my mind I had the whole marriage situation still playing out. It was a good idea, it was for Matt, but were we ready to grow up like that? I knew I sure as hell wasn't. It crushed Matt to know we weren't going to go through with it. But, I bet he was relieved at the same time. It felt right, but it also felt so wrong. I've said it many times, and I'll say it again, Matt and I have tend to mistake the sexual tensions there for something more. We're simply as close as brother and sister. But, sometimes, you get blindsided.
I looked down at my hand and realized I hadn't taken the ring off. It was so beautiful, and I wasn't going to not wear it. I took the silver chain off of my neck and put the ring around the chain. I wear it, to this day. It's a small reminder of me and Matt, of everything about us.
The cab pulled up in front of the apartment building, no movers yet. I thanked him, paid him, and went inside. Barry, the usual doorman wasn't there. I walked inside expecting to hear Susan, the cheerful desk lady, but she wasn't there either. At least I had Paul, the elevator man.
"Destiny! Darling, so good to see you." Paul said with a smile and a hug. "It's been awhile since I've seen you. I watch you on TV all the time. What's happening with you, dear? So much bad on the TV. Have you come back home darling?" He was so sweet. "Oh, baby Matthew. How is the little boy?"
"He's doing great, Paul, thank you. It's rough at work, but I'm getting through it."
"I can see it's rough, sweetie. But, you have two belts. Congratulations. So, what brings you home, princesses?"
"Moving, Paul."
"Moving? Where? Why?"
"Tampa, Florida. I'm staying with a friend. It's just easier for me right now, Paul. I know, it's hard leaving here, but it's just something I need to do." I answered.
"Will you come by and visit, sugar?" He asked.
"You, Paul, I would do more." I smiled and he smiled back. Then I reached my floor. "I will see you on the way down."
I walked inside the room, it was cold. I shuddered when I walked in. Memories began to fly at me a mile a minute. I set Matthew down and slowly walked in. I didn't want to spend the night here, and hoped I didn't have to. The place was empty of anything. It was an eerie feeling. I hadn't been there in months. Everything was left the way it was the last time it was in use. My cell phone rang.
"Destiny, make it there ok?" It was Jay.
"Yea, just walked in." I answered. "It's so freaky, I don't like it. These movers better get here, I don't want to spend the night. I'll stay in a hotel if I have to."
"You'll be outta there in no time." He told me. "Everyone's asking about you, though. You're the life of the Goddamn party, ya know that? Everyone loves you."
"No, not everyone."
"Pretty much. They're wondering about you. I told them you were just peachy. Chris misses ya a hell of a lot."
"Sweet of him." I said. "Matthew, no, don't touch that."
Jay laughed. "Apartment not baby proof?"
"It never was. My parents would have loved for me to kill myself on something around here as a kid." I answered. "Surprised they didn't fake an accident around here."
"You hang in there, kid." He told me. "I'm pulling for you."
"I know, I'm trying." I sighed. "Don't miss me too much, ok?"
"I won't, just don't miss me too much. I know how impossible it is."
"Oh, right, I know. I can't live without you." I said sarcastically.
"I'll let you get back to trying to fake accidents. Call me when you're ready to move out."
"You got it."
I hung up. I set up Matthew's portable playpen and stuck him inside so I could make heads or tails out of everything. It wasn't messy, it was just a matter of what was staying and what wasn't. I didn't need a bed, dressers or any other furniture. I needed clothes, shoes, toys, anything that Jay didn't have. I started with Matthew's things. I folded his crib up, took apart the playpen in his room, it was too heavy to lug around and I didn't' feel like it. The movers came in the middle of my wrecking spree.
"I can start putting clothes in boxes. I need these things moved." I said.
As the movers took apart Matthew's things and boxed his toys, I went through my closets and drawers. The room Jay gave me had a lot of closet space. More than I'd ever need I think. I took the clothes off hangers in the closet and left them in a pile in the closet for whoever would come in next. I empty my drawers. As I filled boxes up, the movers took them away.
After I filled up my clothes, I worked on Matthew's. After that, I took boxes and started putting books I had in bookshelves and old records we had. I wrapped up anything that was of value to me. Then I came to our white grand piano. I sat at it and put my fingers on the keys. I hadn't played in a very long time, but it all came back to me once my fingers hit the keys.
"Do you want to take that?" A mover asked me.
I nodded my head. "Yes, I do."
After hours of hard work, my apartment was empty. Memories were washed away. My life was starting over. As I walked out of the apartment, I was taking the very first step.