The Toilet Paper Hater's Club Chapter 4: Of Complaints and Cheddar Restraints, a yu yu hakusho fanfic

Disclaimer: Obviously I don't own Yu Yu Hakusho, which means I don't own Yoko Kurama, Hiei, Makai, furbies, toilet paper of any kind, cars (though I'd like one!), any brand name of cheese, muzzles, straight jackets, restraints of any type, the "Muffin Man", wedding rings, sweet snow, European people, rhymes, poetry, the saying "my precious", things associated with catch-phrases, anything related to any movie, guns loaded with frozen milk duds, Alka-Seltzers (expired or other), streets, themes of suicide by cliff-jumping, spit-wads, evil children or anything else that actually has an owner! I do however lay claim to the TPHC, Jim the Coconut, the Coconian language, the parody song "Hiei the Sailor Man", the 'Dust Bunnies of Impending Doom', sadly, I created Wipey, the golden toilet paper god, Snotski (don't ask, just read) and Marori. All characters mentioned within the TPHC are of fictional origin.

Author's Note: Fabulous! Thank you everyone for all of your positive reviews for the last chapter!

A special thanks goes out to random cat-girl, Yu Yu Hakusholover, Miyu6, Portal-girl, Chrystaline and Lady Lunara for being so diligent in their reviewing! Thanks you guys for all the support you've given!

Now, ladies and gents, on to the next chapter of the TPHC!

Chapter IV: Of Complaints and Cheddar Restraints

"WHAT WAS THAT FOR?!"

"You swore," Neko-chan growled, her small hand poised as if to strike a second time. "So you got slapped! Shame! SHAME!"

All around, the group could see the tensions between to two equally stubborn creatures flaring up dangerously. The short feline's orange and black-tipped ears were flattened against her head as she sent Hiei the all mighty glare of kitty doom.

"DARE YOU DEFY HIEI, RULER OF THE DUST BUNNIES OF IMPENDING DOOM?! DO YOU GO AGAINST MY EVIL, FLUFFY WILL?!"

"Well, you did say a swear word, you know," Marori pointed out from her seat atop the mailbox.

"DO YOU GO AGAINST MY DIVINE WILL AS WELL, HUMAN?" the koorime shouted, his hand springing to his katana, and drawing it half way out of its sheath.

"Even if she doesn't, I shall!" came a resounding cry from Ame, who advanced a pace towards Hiei.

"Get back in line."

With a defiant smirk and toss of her purple hair, the wolf-demon placed her hands on her hips. The others watched silently, almost to the point of awe, as the haughty girl stood her ground.

"What are you waiting for, woman?! A formal invitation?! GET BACK IN LINE!" Hiei commanded, the apex of his katana just centimeters from the tip of her nose.

"Ugly sexist pig."

"WHAT WAS THAT, YOU UNGRATEFUL WENCH?!"

"U-G-L-Y S-E-X-I-S-T P-I-G."

"Don't spell in front of him… it confuses his limited mind," Mayumi warned with a daring grin.

"HAGS! ALL OF YOU! A BUNCH OF UNGRATEFUL, SELFISH WENCHES, THAT'S WHAT YOU ARE!"

Along with those biting words, there was a barrage of frothy green slobber flying in all directions, due to the disgusting and rather disturbing fact that Hiei seemed to be foaming at the mouth. Yoko Kurama shook his head in disdain, praying desperately that his companion had simply ingested an extremely expired Alka-Seltzer tablet.

"We don't have to take this!" Raven shouted, raising a randomly appearing pitch for high into the air. "Let's get him girls!"

Acting as one PMS-pumped unit, the girls, minus Marori, quickly pounced upon the short youkaii. Amongst the shouting and arguing, there were several shrill screams from Hiei, as he did all he could to escape from the enraged posse of creatures closely resembling a herd of mad cows. After several thrilling moments of struggling and snarling on the part of the captured, the girls managed to successfully bind his limbs with the strongest substance known to man – DUCT TAPE! Aside from the duct tape bondage, Hiei had been squeezed into an XXS straight jacket, and as an added precaution, a muzzle made entirely ofcheddar cheese was fitted snugly over his mouth.

"That should do it," Raven proclaimed, wiping her hands off on her pants.

"THE DUST BUNNIES SHALL AVENGE ME! THEY SHALL RISE UP IN A FUZZY PINK UPROAR AGAINST THOSE WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN THE MIGHT OF CARPET FLUFF!"

"Right," Trinity muttered sarcastically, rolling her eyes. "And I'm Snotski, King of the Sickness Elves."

Jolting at the sound of the name, Neko-chan fell to her knees, groveling before the thin, female kitsune. "Master! I've found you, Master!"

"Now that's just creepy…" Marori stated, looking up from her 'work', which consisted of a number of sketches of a blonde bishounen in wonderfully tight leather clothing.

"HOW DARE YOU ASSUME YOU CAN CONTROL ME WITH A BRICK OF SMELLY, FESTERING CHEESE?! IT TAKES MORE THAN THAT TO SUBDUE THE BEAST THAT IS I!"

"Hiei, look what I've got," Kurama coaxed, holding out a large tub of sherbert ice cream he'd pulled from within his translucent toga. "Nice, delicious sherbert…"

"SWEET SNOW!" the detainee cried aloud, springing from his position in a worm-like motion, bounding towards the tub of ice cream. Within an instant, Hiei had bowled over his much larger counterpart, and knocked the sugary substance from his hands.

Seizing the moment of utter mayhem, Trinity managed to snatch up a digital camera, and being the "gifted" photographer that she was, was able to take several astounding pictures of her index finger. "Perfect angle! Ooooh! Work it baby!"

"SWEET SNOW, YOU'RE MINE!" And with that, Hiei chewed off his muzzle, and dove face first into the sweet dessert. During which, he managed to smear splotches of orange all over his face, into his eyebrows, and even in his jet-black hair. "I'M HIEI THE SAILOR MAN! I LIVE IN A GARBAGE CAN! I'M TOUGH AND I'M MEAN, I'LL STEAL YOUR ICE CREAM, I'M HIEI THE SAILOR MAN!"

Shaking her head, Marori let out a long, drawn out sigh. "And to think, I'M the one who was in the looney bin…"

A random postal guy coming to pickup the mail blinked as he reached mailbox 23½. The dilemma? A brunette girl sitting atop it had managed in blocking the hatch. "Excuse me? Can I just get past you, ma'am?"

"Get past me?"

"Yes, you know, could you please move your legs? They're in my way…"

"HOW DARE YOU?! SWINE!" the teen shouted at the top of her lungs for all of Main and Delano to hear. "PERVERT! ABUSE!"

"A-abuse?"

"ASSAULT! HELP ME!"

With those last, strident words, the mailman made a break for his truck, but was unable to make it very far. Latched onto his already shredded blue shorts, was Neko-chan, grinning at the fact that the whole street could now see his pink and purple heart boxers…

Meanwhile, across town, in the Wondrous Wipes toilet paper factory, two maniacal employees snuck into the ladies room. Using stealth and cat-like grace, the two men managed to get past Debra, a rather large woman who'd been occupying stall number 3 for two hours. Pushing back a panel in the last stall, they entered a secret room, unknown to any other people in the factory. Descending down the stairs, the two men gawked at what stood before them.

"Is the secret weapon ready?" Dane whispered, holding up a small flashlight.

"It's perfect," replied Bob, holding up a seemingly regular roll of two-ply toilet paper. "The double roll is ready!"

Bursting into insane laughter, the men grined evilly and turned to face the back wall.

"With this, we shall defeat the TPHC and the 'Dust Bunnies of Impending Doom'!"

"ALL HAIL WIPEY!" they both shouted, falling to their knees immediately before a ten foot tall golden replica of a roll of toilet paper…

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Chapter Note: Hah! Yet another chapter for you all to enjoy! Thanks for reading.

Also, I advise everyone to visit my dear friend Chrystaline's web comic/manga "The Purest Thing"! The art work is beautiful, and the plot (what little we know thus far) is wonderful! Check out her profile and read more about it!

Until next time, adieu! And don't forget to review!