The Toilet Paper Hater's Club Chapter 5: Don't Crack Your Coconut!, a yu yu hakusho fanfic

Disclaimer: As always, here's the irksome disclaimer we're forced to write by unknown entities. I don't own Yu Yu Hakusho, meaning I don't own the characters Yoko Kurama, or Hiei. Neither do I own toilet paper of any kind, things related to Makai, furbies, cars, any type or brand of cheese, restraints, straight jackets, duct tape, muzzles, European people, wedding rings, rhymes, poetry, the saying 'my Precious', catch phrases, movie related things, guns loaded with frozen milk duds, school spirit songs, Alka-Seltzers (expired or otherwise), streets, cars, drunken idiots, themes of suicide via cliff jumping, spit-wads, evil children, or anything else that actually has an existing owner! I DO however lay claim to the TPHC (Toilet Paper Hater's Club), IHON (International House of Nuts), Jim the Coconut, the Coconian language, Marori, the parody song "Hiei the Sailor Man", 'Dust Bunnies of Impending Doom', the art of 'ducttapeography', Wipey the golden toilet paper god, and Snotski (King of Sickness Elves). All characters mentioned within the "Toilet Paper Hater's Club" are of fictional origin.

Author's Note: So many reviews! Thank you to everyone who left me a comment on the last chapter, 'Of Complaints and Cheddar Restraints'. I had a lot of trouble with posting that one, due to the fact that errors kept just popping up before me (I'm sure I missed some still), and thank you to random cat-girl for noticing and telling me of one error regarding Neko-chan. Again, I love all of my wonderful reviewers, and wish everyone a Merry Saint Patrick-Achoo-Newt Day (holiday of the Sickness Elves, no less).

On to the next fun-filled chapter of the TPHC!

Chapter V: Don't Crack Your Coconut!

With the mailman terrorized to the point of girlish sobbing, and Hiei freed from his bindings on account of "good" behaviour, as well as numerous calmly stated death threats, things were slowly returning to normal. Traffic on the two busy streets had increased, seeing as 'rush hour' was upon the city. Cars zoomed by, speeding no doubt, many of them nearly able to cause one of the girls to become airborne by simply passing.

"Your initiations will begin now!" Yoko Kurama shouted over the noise, gesturing towards the street. "This is the most dangerous and difficult part of your admittance!"

At the puzzled and frightened looks on the girls' faces, Hiei smirked. "All of this must be done, without being hit by one of the many cars flying by."

"THEY HAVE FLYING CARS NOW?!" Mayumi shrieked, glancing around frantically for these vehicles carried on the wind...

"It's an expression, idiot," Ame muttered, failing to stifle her giggle fit.

"What you must do," the toga-clad bishounen stated, "is run out into the street, holding a baton of papery doom high above your head and chant 'WE HATE TOILET PAPER! YES WE DO! WE HATE TOILET PAPER! HOW ABOUT YOU?!'."

"Assuming you survive this ordeal, you will be made a ranking member of the TPHC. On behalf of the organization, Jim has volunteered to demonstrate how this should look."

Jim, who was formally introduced formerly as the club historian, and very sexy coconut, sat on the ground in complete silence. The shades on his 'face' were tilted at a jaunty angle, giving the furry fruit a suave, debonair appearance.

"God speed Jim!" Jade called out, her delicate angel wings fluttering in the wind.

"WE LOVE YOU JIM!" Neko-chan and Mayumi cried in unison, their hands clasped together, tears filling their abnormally large eyes.

With that, the beloved coconut was rolled into the middle of the street, along with a flaming roll of toilet paper, mounted on a stick. Several cars whiz by, oblivious to the small coconut, until the unthinkable occurred…

One of the cars, a large mauve minivan, swerved sharply, but not in time. There was a loud, resounding screech, and then a crack, as the car slowed to a halt. Out of the driver-side door, a man stumbled, apparently highly intoxicated. His clothes were in disarray, his hair, or at least the desperate attempt at a comb-over to hide a rather large bald spot, was messy, and his eyes were terribly blood-shot.

"JIMMMMMM!"

"Oh no! What have I done?!" the drunken man sobbed out, stooping to his dirty knees, hands clutched over his ears. Before him, lay the fallen coconut, cloven in two. The shades had broken at the bridge of the nose, and the splintered pieces were scattered about Jim's battered body.

"NINGEN! LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE!!" bellowed Hiei, rushing into the street with his katana drawn. "YOU WILL PAY FOR THIS INJUSTICE!"

"I-I didn't mean to!"

"YOU'VE RUN DOWN THIS POOR, DEFENSELESS COCONUT IN COLD BLOOD!"

"Honestly! It w-was an a-accident! I swear!"

"Don't play mind games with me, pathetic human!" the koorime shouted, spit flying from his mouth and landing on the man's bald spot. "Your intent was to kill! MURDERER!"

"I didn't mean to hurt anyone!" the pitiful creature cried, getting to his feet, backing away from Hiei.

"You shall pay for Jim's life with yours! REPENT AND DIE!"

And with those words, the drunken loser's back met with a rail of the overpass. His hand groped the cold steel, as his eyes darted over the edge, then back to the threat looming before him. Hiei's eyes shone maliciously as he advanced towards the man, katana posed to deliver a blow. Deciding to bare the lesser of the two evils, he climbed onto the rail, and with a shriek, fell from the ledge to his doom.

Reaching the brink, the raven-haired demon peered over the shoulder guard and smirked malevolently. A shrill, cruel laugh escaped as he sheathed his katana. "The pitiful fool!"

Slowly, the youkaii's eyes fell on the girls' faces, and his expression softened. He bent down where Jim laid, carefully scooping up the two halves. Cradling Jim's body close, tears filled his maroon eyes. "Speak to me…"

Attempting to put the pieces back together proved utterly hopeless, as Hiei sat in the middle of the street. "SPEAK TO ME, JIM!"

All of the girls, as well as Yoko Kurama, watched sadly, sniffling. Suddenly, however, Mayumi lunged forward, addressing her fellow… creatures. "Hey! I've got an idea! Anyone got some duct tape?!"

"Yeah, I've got some," Raven volunteered, pulling a roll of silver tape from her shirt… "What? AT LEAST I'M PREPARED IN CASE OF JUST SUCH AN EMERGENCY!"

"… You were expecting this to happen?" Marori questioned, raising her right eyebrow.

"You knew Jim was going to get hurt, didn't you?!" Neko-chan exclaimed, pointing an accusing finger at Raven. "YOU WERE CONSPIRING AGAINST THE SEXY COCONUT, WEREN'T YOU?!"

"Nope, but I figured that a group of giggling morons was bound to have some type of calamity occur. It seems my instinct was once again correct… and weren't you about to do something with that tape?"

Snapping back to reality, the somewhat spacey human darted out into the street, and to Hiei's side.

"I'm trained in the art of ducttapeography! Stand back! I need some space!" she commanded, picking up Jim's remains and turning her back to the group.

After several minutes of tense silence, aside from Mayumi's comments on her method for restoration of Jim's being. Eventually, the scarlet-haired girl turned towards the gaggle of girls, her eyes cast downwards.

"Is he going to make it?" Yoko Kurama inquired, chewing nervously on his long fingernails.

Glancing up at the others, Mayumi raised her hands above her head, clutching the coconut. "HE'S ALIVE!"

True, Jim had managed to survive the accident, but his image was slightly different now. Silver duct tape covered all but a few brown spots, and his sunglasses now sat askew on his 'face'. Nonetheless, it was still the same, sensual Jim.

"He's okay!" the lean male kitsune shouted, rushing forward as if to embrace the girl. "You've saved him!"

Backing away slowly, she let out a nervous laugh. "It's nothing really! You don't have to hug me or anything, you know…"

"Poppycock!" he stated, drawing her into the embrace of suffocation and cuteness. "I love you, man!"

Eyes watering up, Trinity watched Yoko Kurama hug a blue faced Mayumi, her feet dangling as he swung her about in the embrace. "That's the cutest thing I've ever seen…"

Hiei gave a hoarse cough, calling attention back to him. "So… who's going first?"

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Chapter Note: You see? A SPEEDY UPDATE! BOW DOWN BEFORE ME! Or… just leave me a review!

Everyone enjoy this chapter? Hope everyone felt for poor Jim… I know I did! But this teaches a moral! Don't drink, drive and hit coconuts. It leads to suicide. Yeah… that's it.

Until next time, may all of your socks be happy ones!