Disclaimer: Again, here's the irksome disclaimer we're forced to write by unknown entities. I don't own Yu Yu Hakusho, meaning I don't own the characters Yoko Kurama, or Hiei. Neither do I own toilet paper of any kind, things related to Makai, furbies, cars, any type or brand of cheese, restraints, straight jackets, duct tape, muzzles, European people, wedding rings, rhymes, poetry, the saying 'my Precious', catch phrases, movie related things, guns loaded with frozen milk duds, school spirit songs, Alka-Seltzers (expired or otherwise), streets, cars, drunken idiots, themes of suicide via cliff jumping, spit-wads, evil children, the official Oscar Mayer mobile, potato peelers, kitchen cutlery, can openers, helium filled hotdogs, regular hotdogs, mustard, smelly socks or anything else that actually has an existing owner! I DO however lay claim to the TPHC (Toilet Paper Hater's Club), IHON (International House of Nuts), Jim the Coconut, the Coconian language, Marori, the parody song "Hiei the Sailor Man", 'Dust Bunnies of Impending Doom', the art of 'ducttapeography', Wipey the golden toilet paper god, 'flaming batons of papery doom', Kudzu (the Magical Leprechaun of 'Oof') and Snotski (King of Sickness Elves). All characters mentioned within the "Toilet Paper Hater's Club" are of fictional origin.
Author's Note: Yes! Another chapter! You know what though? The longer and/or more reviews I get, the faster I tend to update! Get the hint, people? Thanks to everyone who did leave me reviews – you guys rock.
Everyone enjoy the last chapter? I had a bit of fun writing it, actually. I'm hoping you all like this new one as well! On to what you've all been waiting for!
Chapter VI: An Oscar Mayer Field Day!
"Are there any takers?"
Never before had the use of a potato peeler been called into question; it was more than obvious to everyone that it was for committing the poke of irksome doom! Smirking maliciously, Mayumi withdrew one of the handy devices from her pocket, passing it along to Ame. The purple-haired demon glanced from the human's grinning face to her feline companion, Neko-chan. Without a second thought, she gave in to the temptation...
"YEE!" the orange tabby shrieked, lunging forward.
"Seems we have a winner," Hiei calmly stated, crossing his arms in front of his chest.
"... Huh?"
Ignoring the girl's confusion, Yoko Kurama thrust a 'flaming baton of papery doom', which consisted of a stick and a roll of blazing toilet paper, into her unusually small hands. For a few seconds, Neko-chan watched the fire singe the cursed hygiene product with a slightly deranged grin.
"You know what you must do," the lean kitsune whispered into her striped ear, gripping her shoulders. "Go get 'em!"
Squaring her shoulders and clearing her throat loudly, the "valiant" warrior stepped into the street, waving the baton high above her head, a two foot strip of toilet paper trailing from her combat boot. "WE HATE TOILET PAPER! YES WE DO! WE HATE TOILET PAP – "
However, by a cruel twist of fate, at that very moment, the Oscar Mayer Wiener Mobile sped onto the road, heading straight for the helpless cat!
"Watch out!"
The vehicle showed no signs of slowing, as Neko-chan made a desperate dash for the sidewalk...
"She's not going to make it!" Trinity cried, covering her eyes with her hands.
With those words, Marori jumped off of the blue mailbox. "I CAN'T WATCH!" she shouted, pulling the hatch open, and shoving her head inside...
"Run Neko-chan, RUN!"
As if everything were in super slow-motion, the horrified group watched as the giant vehicle made a sharp swerve, and doing so, came crashing down onto its side, leaving the frightened cat unscathed. She hopped onto the curb, panting heavily and stared into the street.
Raven, who had remained silent throughout the ordeal, smiled insanely at the sight of the fallen wiener mobile. "FREE HOTDOGS!"
Clicking his heels together and saluting the short female, he proclaimed "Grand idea!"
And it was with unhinged, disturbingly greedy smiles that the adrenaline-powered group approached the overturned automobile. Hiei, who somehow, in the frenzy of things had lost his magnificent hat, pulled a wooden spork from his boot. Leaping into the air in a way only animated characters could, he pounced upon the giant rubber float attached to the top, beginning to rip it to shreds before their eyes.
"Uh, Hiei?" our favourite toga-clad kitsune questioned, a rather large drop of sweat rolling down his cheek.
"WHAT?!" the rabid demon snarled, looking at his companion, strips of the torn material dangling from his mouth.
"That's just a rubber replica; the real hotdogs are inside..."
Pondering quietly for a few seconds, the 'ruler' of the Impending Dust Bunnies of Doom shrugged his narrow shoulders. "This one will do nicely." That having been clarified, he once again began tearing into the hotdog float.
"Now look what you've started!" exclaimed Jade, massaging her temple. "Hiei will be high on helium, and I'm sure nobody needs that!"
"WHAT?! AHHH! MY VOICE!"
In light of the fact that Hiei's teeth had punctured the chewy exterior of the giant hotdog, helium had been flooding into his already disturbed system, resulting in a terribly high pitched voice. At this, Neko-chan burst out laughing, falling to her knees, gripping her sides.
"ARE YOU MOCKING ME? DARE YOU POKE FUN AT HIEI, RULER OF ALL?!"
"Y-your voice is s-s-so f-funny!" she cried, howling with laughter.
With an abnormally shrill war cry, the vertically challenged koorime leapt at Neko-chan, however, he was knocked out of the air by a large, frozen milk dud. Blowing the smoke from the tip of her gun, Raven smirked, reloading the innovative weapon. Taking the opportunity in which Hiei was fairly helpless, the group of girls managed to fit him into a state-of-the-art straight jacket, constructed entirely of silver duct tape. Growing tired of the demon's incessant babbling of death threats; Ame withdrew a small black bag from her pocket.
"What's that?" Mayumi inquired, pointing to the mysterious bag.
"The secret weapon..."
A cruel smile in place, the purple-haired demon pulled a seemingly harmless sock from the bag, though, after a few seconds, everyone had retreated to a safe distance of about ten feet. She shoved the sock into Hiei's mouth, watching him gag on the fetid article. Once the sock was securely in place, the youkaii was as docile as a lamb – well, as any half suffocated lamb, at any rate.
Wiping the sweat from her brow, Mayumi let out a sigh of relief. "Well, that was almost impossible!"
"T-THIS IS F-FOUL B-BEYOND B-BELIEF!"
"You wouldn't shut up!" Ame snarled at Hiei, her eyes narrowed to dangerous slits.
"IT'S C-CRUEL AND UNUSUAL P-P-PUNISHMENT!"
"So goes the justice system..."
Implying his patented death glare of spooty-wooty doom, he turned his gaze to his silver-haired companion. "K-KURAMA! WILL Y-YOU H-H-HELP ME?!"
Through a mouth-full of frozen hotdogs, Yoko Kurama refused to help and returned his attention to the icy pieces of meat.
"J-JIM?!"
As expected, Jim remained absolutely silent.
"THEY H-HAVE ALL R-RALLIED AGAINST M-M-ME!"
Raven, who had amidst the arguing taken to embracing Hiei, let out an evil snicker that could strike fear into the hearts of even the most ferocious leprechauns. "YEP!"
"... How exactly would that be against him?" Trinity asked, a gigantic bead of sweat running down her face.
"Well, he's not enjoying it; so technically, it's classified as a punishment!"
At that, there was a collective shout of 'gyah!', and several people toppled to the ground, a single foot twitching in the air...
Standing and brushing himself off, Yoko Kurama addressed everyone in a rather official sounding voice. "Since Neko-chan has completed her task without getting hit by a car –"
"– and got us free hotdogs!"
"She is hereby admitted to the Toilet Paper Hater's Club!"
Neko-chan clasped her hands together, her eyes shining with tears as she kneeled down on one knee. "I'm... so honoured!"
"Let's go for ice cream, to celebrate!"
After a unanimous decision to raid the local ice cream parlor, they walked off, somehow feeling as if they'd forgotten something...
"HELLO?! YOU GUYS! I'VE STILL GOT MY HEAD STUCK IN THIS BLOODY MAILBOX! AUGH!"
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Chapter Note: Fitting ending, no?
Thanks to everyone who's been reading this story of mine! The support from you guys has been just absolutely awesome! Now, it's time for you all to click that little button that says "Submit Review" and leave me what you think! Lots of reviews mean lots of updates!
Happy Holidays!
Yu Yu Hakusho © Yoshihiro Togashi
The Toilet Paper Hater's Club © Kawaii Youko