Jay gathered Adam and myself and we left. I thought about what Matt had said about Jeff, and tried to piece together what I could. No doubt the infamous Unforgiven incident was what contributed to his downfall in the greatest form. I did not expect him to be over it in one year, though now I had questions about it; but I had not expected him to be free of it in a year, I also, however, had not expected him to still be this greatly effected. And, if it wasn't because of that, what was it?
I never lost interest in Jeff, and never stopped worrying about him. And now, more than ever, I was even more worried about him. He was slipping away from reality, driving hard and fast down into the ground. His eyes didn't show the Jeff Hardy we all knew. They were empty and lost, and it scared me. The creativity that used to generate from him was no longer there, his glow had died. His soul had died.
I knew what it was like to be in the rut, I experienced the same sort of anxieties Jeff did. Diagnosed with a paranoid anxiety, I always felt that something was judging me and I was never good enough. I felt secluded at times and had my good a bad days. It got to the point where my acting coach had me tested for bipolar, and got a paranoid anxiety disorder instead, with a touch of depression. I didn't know up to that point if Jeff was depressed, if he was "clinically depressed" like I was. Manic depression, a fancy medical term for feeling like shit all the time.
Being manic depressed and being paranoid wasn't pleasant, obviously. The two made for life to be a living hell, drain your soul from you. Having the depression and the anxiety disorder had made for some interesting nights full of tears, blood, and things I can't even remember. But, I was not myself for those episodes. I was completely withdrawn from reality, no longer sane. It went unnoticed, as did everything else, in my house hold. I was always isolated there. But, when not at home, I wasn't myself. I was taken back, not myself at all. My eyes showed a hallow passage into an abyss of nothing.
At that moment, my heart jumped into my throat, my body shivered. I could feel a tingle down my spine. My "rock bottom" seemed awfully familiar to the downward spiral Jeff was now taking. I reached into my bag and grabbed my cell phone and frantically dialed Matt's number.
"Hey, what's up?" He asked me. "Here your boy back there? He's talking up a storm. Or trying to at least."
"Matt." I said just above a whisper and in a shaky voice.
"Des, you ok?"
"Matt, I need to meet you when we get there, it's very important."
"Just tell me where." He said. "Are you sure you're ok?"
"Yes. Meet me in the parking lot. I'll find you."
And I hung up. Jay looked back at me. A concerned look painted his face. I mouthed the words "later" to him and he nodded. Adam was asleep.
I couldn't calm down the whole ride. All I kept thinking about was my personal downfall and how Jeff was following in those very footsteps. Down into an abyss were escape is rare.
"Going to tell me?" Jay asked when we arrived.
"Not now." I answered. "I'll find you."
I saw Matt pull up. Jeff walked by with Matthew in his arms. Matt came over to me.
"Are you ok? The entire drive I was worried about you."
"It's Jeff." I said quietly. "You need to help him, and now. I know what it's like. I've been there. I have all of that. The anxieties, I have manic depression. I take meds for it, I know what it leads to. Jeff doesn't deserve to be there, down where I was. I know what empty is and I know he's going exactly where I was. You need to help him." Matt looked at me blankly. "Just help him."
I walked on, leaving Matt with his blank look. I never came out and told anyone about my medical past, and never really had any intentions to do so. I was handling it well on my own, without help, and I didn't want anyone to be worried or concerned. But, I had to come out and tell Matt, if I didn't I know Jeff would have gotten any help. Matt's reaction to it all was only natural for someone who didn't understand, and didn't know. I just found it very hard to explain this part of my past to anyone.
I walked into the men's locker room with Jay waiting right there for me. As soon as I walked in, he grabbed my arm and led me back out.
"Well?" He asked.
"Just concerned about Jeff." I answered.
He looked at me for a second then nodded. "He'll be alright." He put his arm around me and we went back inside.
Vince put me in a match with Molly Holly. I wondered what he was doing to prevent Amy or Kurt, or both, from running in. It had become a huge issue with the wrestlers, and Vince was getting many complaints from them, and from other authorities.
My question was answered when I went out for the match. Security lined the top of the stage. Guards surround the ramp, the ring, and the security barrier. It sent a chill up my spine. It was hard to be bouncy as I walked down the ramp.
The match went on smoothly. I kept one eye on it, and one eye out for any danger. Half way through, there was a small disturbance on top of the ramp. I was ready for anything. But, through the guards came Matt and Jeff. I froze for a second and didn't lead into Molly's blow.
I got right back into the match. It seemed that all of the security didn't faze Kurt Angle one bit. He snuck by the guards and created his own disturbance to sneak into the ring. He threw a jacket and a baseball cap down and was ready to get inside the ring. I was on the turnbuckle and saw it all. I made the decision to go after him.
I dove onto him, almost taking out Michael Cole. I threw him down and started beating on him. I'll never forget Kurt's bruised and bloody face as I continued to beat him. I had no intentions on stopping. I screamed and got emotional as I threw punch after punch. He was able to throw in some blows to the eye Molly hit when I wasn't paying attention. But, I overpowered him, and it felt great.
I felt a pair of hands on me and throw me off. When I looked, I saw Jeff in my spot, going punch after punch. I was amazed. Matt ran to him, and security jumped on him. They wrestled both men to the ground, Jeff went kicking and screaming.
"I'll kill you, you son-of-a-bitch!" He screamed to Kurt.
"You ok?" Matt asked me when we came my way. I nodded.
Mark and Paul waited on top of the ramp for Jeff. Jeff grabbed a mic from Lillian and made an announcement.
"Kurt! Kurt you think you're so tough, so bad picking on women. I want to see how bad you really are. Sunday, Unforgiven, you and I are going to dance. No if ands or buts."
He threw the mic at Kurt. Security dragged Jeff up the ramp and once he got up there, Mark once again threw him over his shoulder. Kurt was taking to a hospital to see if he had any fractures, I was taken to the EMTs to look at my eye. Jeff was thrown in the room across for me. Mark yelled at him first. I heard it all.
"Are you serious? You just told Kurt you'd face him on Sunday. I don't care if you want to kill the bastard, we all do. And, I don't care that you just sprung a match on Vince. It has nothing to do with the politics of this sport."
"Then what do you want?" Jeff asked.
"Why did you do that? Why are you doing this? You've pissed off a very strong and powerful man." Mark sighed. "Be careful."
I wanted to ask why myself. But, I couldn't bring myself too. Mark left Jeff and came to me. He pulled a chair up.
"You ok?" He asked.
"Fine, just shocked." I answered.
"As are all of us." He sighed. "But, you're ok?"
"Yes." I answered.
"All that matters."
He got up and left. I didn't want to hang around any longer. I told Jay I was taking his car back. He let me. He said he'd catch a ride with Matt. I thanked him. I wanted to get back and relax forget about tonight and concentrate on Sunday.
I was walking through the parking lot, looking for Jay's car. I was only a few feet from it when someone grabbed me. I let out a scream.
"Dumb slut!" Kurt Angle yelled. "Think you can get your boys on me huh? I'm going to do something I've always wanted to do, something I should have done last year."
He threw me into the wall. I looked up and saw Andrew, he grabbed my arms. Kurt ripped my shirt leaving scratch marks that began to bleed. I yelled again. I tried squeezing out of it, but the concrete ate at my arms and I could feel the blood trickle down.
I gave Kurt a groin kick, then one to his chest. I lifted my leg up and kicked Andrew in the face. I bolted. I was so afraid. I kept looking behind me as I ran. I ran right smack into Jeff and hit the floor. I was hysterical.
"What happened?" He asked dropping to the floor almost as quick as I did. "Destiny." He grabbed my arms and saw the blood. He then saw my chest. "Who did this?"
Laughter rang throughout the garage. Jeff got up and took off. I stood behind and heard what was going on. But, it wasn't Kurt, it was Andrew.
"He ratted out Kurt as soon as he saw me." Jeff said when he returned. "When I run into that bastard it'll be the last day he'll be alive. I am going to enjoy Sunday." He noticed the look of fear on my face. "I'm taking you back. You're not driving, not like this your not." He helped me up. "Give me Jay's keys. I'll tell him you were too beat up to drive."
He put the keys on the drivers seat with a note: Des was too beat up to drive. He put my things into his car and helped me into the passenger seat. He then got in.
"Why are you being so nice to me?" I asked. "I don't deserve it."
He pulled out of the spot. "You're in need. Someone has to." He sighed. "The past doesn't matter when someone tries rape. It's not the first time he's tried this. Last year too. And, every attack. Destiny, Kurt's not going to touch you anymore. I promise."
"Thank you, Jeff." I said.
We were silent the whole ride. There was so much to say, but I couldn't bring myself to say it. I also knew this might be my only chance to say it. If I didn't say it now, I may not ever get the chance again. I knew now was my shot.
"Stay with me until everyone comes back. I don't want to take the chance of having Kurt get into your room." Jeff told me.
I nodded. When I got inside I sat in a chair by the window. Jeff sat on the bed closest to the door. I looked at him and saw a broken man holding on only by a few strings. I had to help him, like he was helping me.
"Jeff, do you mind if we talk?" I asked.
"I can't think of a better time."
"What's happening to you? You're changing right before our eyes. You're erratic, it's not like you at all. Doing the run ins, sleeping around-"
"And who are you to judge on that subject? Who did you sleep with before us? And who did you sleep with while there was an us?"?
"I know. I wasn't judging you on that. I think I still know you pretty well, and that's not you."
"I thought I knew you too."
"Jeff, I'm not proud of what I did. I hate it. I hate myself everyday for it. I think each day what I would say when a moment like this would come. And, now that it's here I found myself speechless." I sighed. "I'm not telling you to forgive me. Tonight might be the only night I get this out and I want you to hear what I have to say."
"Ok." He said.
"I have beaten myself day in and day out over this. There's not a single day where I am not thinking about what I did and what an ass I am. That night you thought I stopped loving you, but the truth is I haven't. I still do. I always will. It gets harder everyday to live with myself, to get up and go on. I don't know how any of this is going to sound after a year, but I am sorry. I've always been sorry.
"I don't want your pity. I don't want you to feel like you owe me anything, you don't. I know I can never give back what I've taken from you. I'll try if you let me, but I don't even know how close I can come. But, if you're willing to let me, I am more than willing to start making it up to you. It seems like such an impossible task."
"Destiny, I don't want you to beat yourself up more than you already have."
"Jeff, I don't care. It doesn't matter. If it makes you feel better."
He looked at me and stood up slowly. He walked to the window, close to were I was seated. He took a deep breath and looked right at me, "you're right", he said.
I looked up at him. He turned and looked back outside. It was dark, there was no moon out tonight, a new moon. The room was dark, only two lights on. I got a chill.
"I can't lie and say I don't feel better knowing you guilt. Knowing your sorrow, knowing how you've been feeling. I know this has eaten away at you since it happened, everyone's told me so. And I can't say that hearing it hasn't made me feel a little bit better. It makes me feel guilty sometimes, knowing I get off on your pain. But, sometimes it makes me feel that much better. Sitting here now, I wish it didn't."
Everything was coming out now. Everything I wanted to say and more, everything I wanted to hear. It was all playing out, and every fear I had about this moment had fled. I could now sit in the same room with Jeff without feeling scared, worried, and that feeling in my stomach died out.
"I had wanted to do this for so long." I said. "And was so scared to. I pictured this going so horribly. And now that it has gone so well, I don't know what to say." I looked at him. "Well, it could have gone a lot worse."
"I suppose." He said. He sat in the chair next to me. "Are you feeling better? How's your chest, and your arms?"
"My chest stopped bleeding. My arms are still bleeding a little bit."
"I'm sorry. I got caught up in this I forgot all about that. Let me help you." He disappeared for a second into the bathroom and came back with hydrogen peroxide, cotton balls, some gauze pads, and some medical tape. "I know how much you love this part." He said as he put some of the peroxide on a cotton ball. "Do you need that silver bullet?"
"No, I'll be fine." I said.
"Right." He smiled a little. He rubbed it on my chest and I yelled. "Ok, ok. Here." He blew on it.
"Uh, thanks." I said. He looked at me and didn't say anything at first.
"You're still a baby." He said.
Jeff bandaged me up. He kept calling me a baby as he did. There was nothing I could say, it was true.
"I better go." I said. "They'll be home soon."
"You're right. It'd be wrong for them to see us talking." He said.
"Bye, Jeff. And thank you." I said.
He nodded. I didn't know what to make of his last comment as I went to my room. It stayed with me all night as I tossed and turned until morning.
I never lost interest in Jeff, and never stopped worrying about him. And now, more than ever, I was even more worried about him. He was slipping away from reality, driving hard and fast down into the ground. His eyes didn't show the Jeff Hardy we all knew. They were empty and lost, and it scared me. The creativity that used to generate from him was no longer there, his glow had died. His soul had died.
I knew what it was like to be in the rut, I experienced the same sort of anxieties Jeff did. Diagnosed with a paranoid anxiety, I always felt that something was judging me and I was never good enough. I felt secluded at times and had my good a bad days. It got to the point where my acting coach had me tested for bipolar, and got a paranoid anxiety disorder instead, with a touch of depression. I didn't know up to that point if Jeff was depressed, if he was "clinically depressed" like I was. Manic depression, a fancy medical term for feeling like shit all the time.
Being manic depressed and being paranoid wasn't pleasant, obviously. The two made for life to be a living hell, drain your soul from you. Having the depression and the anxiety disorder had made for some interesting nights full of tears, blood, and things I can't even remember. But, I was not myself for those episodes. I was completely withdrawn from reality, no longer sane. It went unnoticed, as did everything else, in my house hold. I was always isolated there. But, when not at home, I wasn't myself. I was taken back, not myself at all. My eyes showed a hallow passage into an abyss of nothing.
At that moment, my heart jumped into my throat, my body shivered. I could feel a tingle down my spine. My "rock bottom" seemed awfully familiar to the downward spiral Jeff was now taking. I reached into my bag and grabbed my cell phone and frantically dialed Matt's number.
"Hey, what's up?" He asked me. "Here your boy back there? He's talking up a storm. Or trying to at least."
"Matt." I said just above a whisper and in a shaky voice.
"Des, you ok?"
"Matt, I need to meet you when we get there, it's very important."
"Just tell me where." He said. "Are you sure you're ok?"
"Yes. Meet me in the parking lot. I'll find you."
And I hung up. Jay looked back at me. A concerned look painted his face. I mouthed the words "later" to him and he nodded. Adam was asleep.
I couldn't calm down the whole ride. All I kept thinking about was my personal downfall and how Jeff was following in those very footsteps. Down into an abyss were escape is rare.
"Going to tell me?" Jay asked when we arrived.
"Not now." I answered. "I'll find you."
I saw Matt pull up. Jeff walked by with Matthew in his arms. Matt came over to me.
"Are you ok? The entire drive I was worried about you."
"It's Jeff." I said quietly. "You need to help him, and now. I know what it's like. I've been there. I have all of that. The anxieties, I have manic depression. I take meds for it, I know what it leads to. Jeff doesn't deserve to be there, down where I was. I know what empty is and I know he's going exactly where I was. You need to help him." Matt looked at me blankly. "Just help him."
I walked on, leaving Matt with his blank look. I never came out and told anyone about my medical past, and never really had any intentions to do so. I was handling it well on my own, without help, and I didn't want anyone to be worried or concerned. But, I had to come out and tell Matt, if I didn't I know Jeff would have gotten any help. Matt's reaction to it all was only natural for someone who didn't understand, and didn't know. I just found it very hard to explain this part of my past to anyone.
I walked into the men's locker room with Jay waiting right there for me. As soon as I walked in, he grabbed my arm and led me back out.
"Well?" He asked.
"Just concerned about Jeff." I answered.
He looked at me for a second then nodded. "He'll be alright." He put his arm around me and we went back inside.
Vince put me in a match with Molly Holly. I wondered what he was doing to prevent Amy or Kurt, or both, from running in. It had become a huge issue with the wrestlers, and Vince was getting many complaints from them, and from other authorities.
My question was answered when I went out for the match. Security lined the top of the stage. Guards surround the ramp, the ring, and the security barrier. It sent a chill up my spine. It was hard to be bouncy as I walked down the ramp.
The match went on smoothly. I kept one eye on it, and one eye out for any danger. Half way through, there was a small disturbance on top of the ramp. I was ready for anything. But, through the guards came Matt and Jeff. I froze for a second and didn't lead into Molly's blow.
I got right back into the match. It seemed that all of the security didn't faze Kurt Angle one bit. He snuck by the guards and created his own disturbance to sneak into the ring. He threw a jacket and a baseball cap down and was ready to get inside the ring. I was on the turnbuckle and saw it all. I made the decision to go after him.
I dove onto him, almost taking out Michael Cole. I threw him down and started beating on him. I'll never forget Kurt's bruised and bloody face as I continued to beat him. I had no intentions on stopping. I screamed and got emotional as I threw punch after punch. He was able to throw in some blows to the eye Molly hit when I wasn't paying attention. But, I overpowered him, and it felt great.
I felt a pair of hands on me and throw me off. When I looked, I saw Jeff in my spot, going punch after punch. I was amazed. Matt ran to him, and security jumped on him. They wrestled both men to the ground, Jeff went kicking and screaming.
"I'll kill you, you son-of-a-bitch!" He screamed to Kurt.
"You ok?" Matt asked me when we came my way. I nodded.
Mark and Paul waited on top of the ramp for Jeff. Jeff grabbed a mic from Lillian and made an announcement.
"Kurt! Kurt you think you're so tough, so bad picking on women. I want to see how bad you really are. Sunday, Unforgiven, you and I are going to dance. No if ands or buts."
He threw the mic at Kurt. Security dragged Jeff up the ramp and once he got up there, Mark once again threw him over his shoulder. Kurt was taking to a hospital to see if he had any fractures, I was taken to the EMTs to look at my eye. Jeff was thrown in the room across for me. Mark yelled at him first. I heard it all.
"Are you serious? You just told Kurt you'd face him on Sunday. I don't care if you want to kill the bastard, we all do. And, I don't care that you just sprung a match on Vince. It has nothing to do with the politics of this sport."
"Then what do you want?" Jeff asked.
"Why did you do that? Why are you doing this? You've pissed off a very strong and powerful man." Mark sighed. "Be careful."
I wanted to ask why myself. But, I couldn't bring myself too. Mark left Jeff and came to me. He pulled a chair up.
"You ok?" He asked.
"Fine, just shocked." I answered.
"As are all of us." He sighed. "But, you're ok?"
"Yes." I answered.
"All that matters."
He got up and left. I didn't want to hang around any longer. I told Jay I was taking his car back. He let me. He said he'd catch a ride with Matt. I thanked him. I wanted to get back and relax forget about tonight and concentrate on Sunday.
I was walking through the parking lot, looking for Jay's car. I was only a few feet from it when someone grabbed me. I let out a scream.
"Dumb slut!" Kurt Angle yelled. "Think you can get your boys on me huh? I'm going to do something I've always wanted to do, something I should have done last year."
He threw me into the wall. I looked up and saw Andrew, he grabbed my arms. Kurt ripped my shirt leaving scratch marks that began to bleed. I yelled again. I tried squeezing out of it, but the concrete ate at my arms and I could feel the blood trickle down.
I gave Kurt a groin kick, then one to his chest. I lifted my leg up and kicked Andrew in the face. I bolted. I was so afraid. I kept looking behind me as I ran. I ran right smack into Jeff and hit the floor. I was hysterical.
"What happened?" He asked dropping to the floor almost as quick as I did. "Destiny." He grabbed my arms and saw the blood. He then saw my chest. "Who did this?"
Laughter rang throughout the garage. Jeff got up and took off. I stood behind and heard what was going on. But, it wasn't Kurt, it was Andrew.
"He ratted out Kurt as soon as he saw me." Jeff said when he returned. "When I run into that bastard it'll be the last day he'll be alive. I am going to enjoy Sunday." He noticed the look of fear on my face. "I'm taking you back. You're not driving, not like this your not." He helped me up. "Give me Jay's keys. I'll tell him you were too beat up to drive."
He put the keys on the drivers seat with a note: Des was too beat up to drive. He put my things into his car and helped me into the passenger seat. He then got in.
"Why are you being so nice to me?" I asked. "I don't deserve it."
He pulled out of the spot. "You're in need. Someone has to." He sighed. "The past doesn't matter when someone tries rape. It's not the first time he's tried this. Last year too. And, every attack. Destiny, Kurt's not going to touch you anymore. I promise."
"Thank you, Jeff." I said.
We were silent the whole ride. There was so much to say, but I couldn't bring myself to say it. I also knew this might be my only chance to say it. If I didn't say it now, I may not ever get the chance again. I knew now was my shot.
"Stay with me until everyone comes back. I don't want to take the chance of having Kurt get into your room." Jeff told me.
I nodded. When I got inside I sat in a chair by the window. Jeff sat on the bed closest to the door. I looked at him and saw a broken man holding on only by a few strings. I had to help him, like he was helping me.
"Jeff, do you mind if we talk?" I asked.
"I can't think of a better time."
"What's happening to you? You're changing right before our eyes. You're erratic, it's not like you at all. Doing the run ins, sleeping around-"
"And who are you to judge on that subject? Who did you sleep with before us? And who did you sleep with while there was an us?"?
"I know. I wasn't judging you on that. I think I still know you pretty well, and that's not you."
"I thought I knew you too."
"Jeff, I'm not proud of what I did. I hate it. I hate myself everyday for it. I think each day what I would say when a moment like this would come. And, now that it's here I found myself speechless." I sighed. "I'm not telling you to forgive me. Tonight might be the only night I get this out and I want you to hear what I have to say."
"Ok." He said.
"I have beaten myself day in and day out over this. There's not a single day where I am not thinking about what I did and what an ass I am. That night you thought I stopped loving you, but the truth is I haven't. I still do. I always will. It gets harder everyday to live with myself, to get up and go on. I don't know how any of this is going to sound after a year, but I am sorry. I've always been sorry.
"I don't want your pity. I don't want you to feel like you owe me anything, you don't. I know I can never give back what I've taken from you. I'll try if you let me, but I don't even know how close I can come. But, if you're willing to let me, I am more than willing to start making it up to you. It seems like such an impossible task."
"Destiny, I don't want you to beat yourself up more than you already have."
"Jeff, I don't care. It doesn't matter. If it makes you feel better."
He looked at me and stood up slowly. He walked to the window, close to were I was seated. He took a deep breath and looked right at me, "you're right", he said.
I looked up at him. He turned and looked back outside. It was dark, there was no moon out tonight, a new moon. The room was dark, only two lights on. I got a chill.
"I can't lie and say I don't feel better knowing you guilt. Knowing your sorrow, knowing how you've been feeling. I know this has eaten away at you since it happened, everyone's told me so. And I can't say that hearing it hasn't made me feel a little bit better. It makes me feel guilty sometimes, knowing I get off on your pain. But, sometimes it makes me feel that much better. Sitting here now, I wish it didn't."
Everything was coming out now. Everything I wanted to say and more, everything I wanted to hear. It was all playing out, and every fear I had about this moment had fled. I could now sit in the same room with Jeff without feeling scared, worried, and that feeling in my stomach died out.
"I had wanted to do this for so long." I said. "And was so scared to. I pictured this going so horribly. And now that it has gone so well, I don't know what to say." I looked at him. "Well, it could have gone a lot worse."
"I suppose." He said. He sat in the chair next to me. "Are you feeling better? How's your chest, and your arms?"
"My chest stopped bleeding. My arms are still bleeding a little bit."
"I'm sorry. I got caught up in this I forgot all about that. Let me help you." He disappeared for a second into the bathroom and came back with hydrogen peroxide, cotton balls, some gauze pads, and some medical tape. "I know how much you love this part." He said as he put some of the peroxide on a cotton ball. "Do you need that silver bullet?"
"No, I'll be fine." I said.
"Right." He smiled a little. He rubbed it on my chest and I yelled. "Ok, ok. Here." He blew on it.
"Uh, thanks." I said. He looked at me and didn't say anything at first.
"You're still a baby." He said.
Jeff bandaged me up. He kept calling me a baby as he did. There was nothing I could say, it was true.
"I better go." I said. "They'll be home soon."
"You're right. It'd be wrong for them to see us talking." He said.
"Bye, Jeff. And thank you." I said.
He nodded. I didn't know what to make of his last comment as I went to my room. It stayed with me all night as I tossed and turned until morning.