Disclaimer: Well, here's another irksome disclaimer we writers are forced to state by unknown entities. I don't own Yu Yu Hakusho, meaning I don't own the characters Yoko Kurama, or Hiei. Neither do I own toilet paper of any kind, things related to Makai, furbies, cars, any type or brand of cheese, restraints, straight jackets, duct tape, muzzles, European people, wedding rings, rhymes, poetry, the saying 'my Precious', catch phrases, movie related things, guns loaded with frozen milk duds, school spirit songs, Alka-Seltzers (expired or otherwise), streets, cars, drunken idiots, 'lovey dovey' music, themes of suicide via cliff jumping, spit-wads, evil children, the official Oscar Mayer mobile, potato peelers, kitchen cutlery, can openers, helium filled hotdogs, pixie sticks, candies of any kind, regular hotdogs, mustard, smelly socks, any brand of fireworks, chopsticks, vegetable oil or anything else that actually has an existing owner! I DO however lay claim to the TPHC (Toilet Paper Hater's Club), IHON (International House of Nuts), Jim the Coconut, the Coconian language, Marori, the parody song "Hiei the Sailor Man", 'Dust Bunnies of Impending Doom', the art of 'ducttapeography', Wipey the golden toilet paper god, 'flaming batons of papery doom', Kudzu (the Magical Leprechaun of 'Oof') and Snotski (King of Sickness Elves). All characters mentioned within the "Toilet Paper Hater's Club" are of fictional origin.
Author's Note: So many reviews so quickly! A super special thanks goes out to Electra, who left a number of wonderful comments on the last chapter "An Oscar Mayer Field Day!". Chica, you rock. Also, thanks to Chibi Leelee Milo, Chrystaline, Yu Yu Hakusholover and Baku for their speedy reviews!
Now, on to the main event!
Chapter VII: A Most Indecent Proposal
Sometimes, trying to help someone is not the best idea in the world, even when it stems from the best intentions. Neither, the group of demons was coming to realize, was attempting to extract someone's head from a mailbox using a pair of chopsticks, three quarts of vegetable oil and a few handfuls of black-cat fireworks...
"Guys, seriously, you don't have to do this! I like my head in the mailbox, really!"
"Who's got a lighter? I left mine in the fish tank..."
"L-lighter? WHAT'S GOING ON OUT THERE?!"
"Step One: In order to properly extract one's cerebral cortex from a postal unit, it is important to first grease up the appendage, as to prevent its severance… Okay, skip that, it doesn't sound too important. What's next?"
There was a hurried flipping of pages as Ame consulted a small yellow book entitled "So, Your Friend Has Their Head Stuck in a Mailbox and You Value Your Friendship Enough to Keep it Intact". Glancing at the page, she began reading aloud. "Single white male, seeking companion, must be over the age of 253, and preferably, with a infatuation for scrubbing toilets and making passionate lov –"
"GIVE ME THAT!" Hiei shouted over her voice, quickly snatching a newspaper that had conveniently made its way into that particular chapter of the book.
"A Personals Ad!" squealed Jade, her wings fluttering excitedly at the prospect of a desperate demon searching for love – very odd love. "That's so cute!"
Rolling her eyes at the youkaii, Ame returned to the book. "It says to place the fireworks around the head, making sure to intertwine the fuses..."
"I DON'T WANT MY HEAD OUT! JUST LEAVE ME HERE, I CAN EAT THE BAD FRUITCAKES PEOPLE SEND TO THEIR RELATIVES, AND RAISE MY CHILDREN TO LOVE AND RESPECT THE MIGHTY BLUE BOX! IT WILL BE JUST –"
"TAKE COVER, EVERYONE! SHE'S GONNA BLOW!"
As everyone ducked behind random objects – pedestrians, fire hydrants and even ant hills – Marori whimpered, silently praying that if she made it out alive, she would never watch documentaries about ostriches again...
The explosion itself was something to behold; it was louder than normal, due to the echoing caused by the metal walls of the mailbox, and there was a deafening wail as the brunette girl tumbled backwards.
"Victory! We've accomplished the impossible! And look, she's COMPLETELY unharmed!"
Recovering from the shock of being pitched from the confining structure, Marori frantically touched her face, pausing as she felt just above her eyes – where her eyebrows used to be...
"It's a good look for you, really!" Raven assured her, nodding fervently, as if to encourage agreement from the others. "Right, Jim?"
There was, as always, silence from the furry fruit, currently stationed atop a discarded drinking cup, most likely thrown from the window of a car. Until suddenly, from a source unknown to the gang, the classical 'lovey dovey' music filled the air, hearts fluttering about. Why, you could almost see the love in Jim's non-existent eyes!
"What's that, Jim?" the Makaiian fox inquired, gazing down at the coconut.
Raven glanced from the duct taped sphere of sexiness to Yoko Kurama, an eyebrow raised ever so slightly. "Translation, please?"
Taking a stick from the ground, Hiei began prodding Jim. "Snap out of it, man!"
"Jim says nothing of Marori's eyebrows, but of your beauty, his words go on forever, like the sermons of the priests!" the kitsune cried, hoisting Jim up, leveling his 'eyes' with Raven's.
"WHAT?!"
"In fact, not only does he adore you – he wishes to make you his bride! He says he's loved you ever since he first laid eyes on you, preparing to steal the walker from a senile old lady!"
To those unfamiliar with the Coconian language, these words were simply perceived as a romantic silence.
"You've... got to be kidding me..."
Already prepared to defend his friend, to the death if necessary, Hiei unsheathed his katana, the tip going to Raven's throat. "Are you refusing him?!"
"No, no! I... I just don't think I can love a coconut..."
For a moment, there was a slightly awkward silence, until at last, Yoko Kurama got down on one knee, extending Jim towards the dark-haired girl. "Do you accept his proposal?"
"P-proposal?"
Nodding, the lean man pulled a small golden ring from Jim's duct taped backside, which, oddly enough, looked remarkably similar to a spray painted nut from the hardware store... "This is a token of Jim's undying affection," he stated, slipping the ring onto Raven's finger with a bit of difficulty.
"I don't know what to say! This is all so sudden!" After a moment, the demonic girl smiled, snatching up the coconut and smothering it in kisses. "I accept!"
Marori, having just then recovered from the shock of having her eyebrows singed off – not for the first time, sadly – looked at the pair of smooching, swooning creatures. "This has got to be the most disturbing thing I've seen in the entire ten minutes I've been out of the mailbox..."
On the other hand, however, Neko-chan, who'd always been the hopeless romantic of the group, sighed happily. "How romantic! He loves her, and she loves him! SO CUTE!"
Looking at her cat-like companion, the tall brunette gave a confused blink. "I don't know what you're taking chica, but whatever it is, it seems to be working."
"Taking? What do you mean?!" the feline growled. "You can't tell me you don't find this the least bit sentimental and sweet!"
"Look, I just had myself thrown ten feet from a mailbox, lost my eyebrows, and now you're telling me how I should feel? Personally, I think true love can take a flying leap off a cliff without a bungee cord."
Trinity, who'd been surveying the scene in silence, let a small sigh escape. "This is going to be a mixed marriage if I ever saw one."
"Honestly," Ame muttered, "I'd be more concerned with what their KIDS are going to look like..."
But perhaps, the most disturbing part of the whole escapade was the fact that Hiei stood, transfixed, with his hands clasped together. "A coconut, finally finding true love..." he whispered, but soon dropped the act, returning to his sarcastic tone. "Makes me want to puke."
"So much for the notion that the ball of sarcasm being a sentimental fool underneath it all, huh?"
"Most definitely," Mayumi agreed, nodding her head.
In this moment, a rare event took place, which had not been witnessed in many years – Neko-chan had an idea! "I've got it! Let's have the wedding today! It's a beautiful day, and what better way to have the ceremony than in the park!"
"I think I might die of shock..."
"Why's that, Ame?" the green-eyed girl asked, attempting to hide her eyebrows – or lack there of – with strands of her bangs. "Our irrational friend actually had a normal thought?"
"No... that state laws would actually allow this!"
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Chapter Note: For some reason, I'm sure in SOME country or state somewhere, there isn't a law forbidding the marriage of a coconut and a demon... but then again, how many states recognize demons as more than a myth?
I hope everyone enjoyed the chapter! Now, you get to leave me some feedback on what you read! Thanks everyone for reading this chapter of the TPHC!
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Yu Yu Hakusho © Yoshihiro Togashi
The Toilet Paper Hater's Club © Kawaii Youko