The Toilet Paper Hater's Club Chapter 8: Marriage for Bakas, a yu yu hakusho fanfic

Disclaimer: Well, here's another irksome disclaimer we writers are forced to state by unknown entities. How evil. I don't own Yu Yu Hakusho, meaning I don't own the characters Yoko Kurama, or Hiei. Neither do I own toilet paper of any kind, things related to Makai, furbies, cars, any type or brand of cheese, restraints, straight jackets, duct tape, muzzles, European people, wedding rings, rhymes, poetry, the saying 'my Precious', catch phrases, movie related things, guns loaded with frozen milk duds, school spirit songs, Alka-Seltzers (expired or otherwise), streets, cars, drunken idiots, 'lovey dovey' music, themes of suicide via cliff jumping, spit-wads, evil children, the official Oscar Mayer mobile, potato peelers, kitchen cutlery, can openers, helium filled hotdogs, pixie sticks, candies of any kind, regular hotdogs, garden gnomes, fire hydrants, pedestrians, priests, hardware stores, mustard, smelly socks, any brand of fireworks, chopsticks, vegetable oil or anything else that actually has an existing owner! I DO however lay claim to the TPHC (Toilet Paper Hater's Club), IHON (International House of Nuts), Jim the Coconut, the Coconian language, Marori, the parody song "Hiei the Sailor Man", 'Dust Bunnies of Impending Doom', the art of 'ducttapeography', Wipey the golden toilet paper god, "Marriage for Bakas" book, 'flaming batons of papery doom', Kudzu (the Magical Leprechaun of 'Oof') and Snotski (King of Sickness Elves). All characters mentioned within the "Toilet Paper Hater's Club" are of fictional origin.

Author's Note: I haven't updated since Christmas time, and I apologize. Really I do. I have been REALLY busy with school, art and other such things, but I'm trying to get a few updates in before the turn of the century...

So, for your viewing pleasure – er, reading – the next chapter of the TPHC!

Chapter VIII: Marriage for Bakas

There was never a more perfect day for such a momentous occasion; dead, withering pine needles littered the side-walk like uncooked vermicelli, as well as a pungent stench similar to that of malt vinegar and dog "leavings" hovering in the air. The guests, mainly consisting of seemingly harmless bums and a large garden gnome nicknamed "Wrinkle-bottom", were taking their appointed seats amidst the ant hills and garbage cans. Along with the irksome chirping of birds and accursed children's' laughter, a kazoo's mellifluous tone fluttered through the air.

Atop one of the less than perfectly procured pokey-bushes resided what was perhaps the shortest priest to ever be ordained by the Wholly Church of the Jebus Heist – a green and pink neon furby. Protruding from the top of his misshapen skull, defying the bothersome forces of gravity and logic, was an extremely flamboyant looking lime-green mohawk. Propped up before the vibrantly coloured creature was a yellow and black book, by the title of Marriage for Bakas, which was well renowned for its ability to allow everyday, or often, ill-advised citizens to perform make-shift marriages in their free time.

A dead hush fell over the mismatched crowd as the furby gave forth to an almighty snort, commanding the attention of all within earshot. Its electronically controlled eyes darted about, and then focused themselves on the text before him.

"We here today," the mechanical annoyance began, in its monotonous voice, "to join losers in holy mattress money!"

Neko-chan, who sat awkwardly at the foot of the "alter", which was little more than a flattened cardboard box, sniffled into a small handkerchief. "It's just all s-so beautiful!"

In honour of this blessed occasion, flaming batons of papery doom had been distributed to each of the guests, with the exception of "Randy the Nice Bum", who sat off to the side, stroking an acorn affectionately. Once again, the kazoo's majestic sound rang out above the chattering, as everyone waited with bated breath for what was next.

After a few long, antagonizing seconds, a young demon by the alias of Sam hopped onto the cracked pavement, using only one of her two available feet. Down the poorly trimmed isle she bounced along, her unnecessary foot poised regally in the air behind her. From her hands came a barrage of rotten limburger cheese, colliding with random pedestrians, hobos and the occasional low-flying bird.

"What in the name of all things sexy is she doing!" Marori gasped, watching as a particularly large and curdled piece of cheese landed just inches from her feet.

Looking at the brunette girl as though she'd just sprouted a squid from her pant leg, Neko-chan simply replied "fulfilling her duty as the 'Stinky Cheese Girl', stupid", and then returned to the ceremony at hand.

With an almighty belch to end electronically created belches, the furby brought an end to the "music", and the antics of the cheese pelting demon of doom. "Marriage I now perform onto these nuts!"

Raven, who was dressed in a stunning dress made completely of coke tabs and fishnet, gazed longingly into the "eyes" of her fiancée. "We're ready."

"Do you, Jim, take this walking recycle bin to be your waffly wetted wife?"

As expected, the enthralled husband-to-be remained silent, but the answer was clear in his roll to the right.

"And do you, Raven, take this furry ball of sexiness to be your waffly wetted hussy band?"

Clutching the coconut close to her bosom, she let out a shrill "I DO!".

"Then, by the powder invested in tea, I pronounce you hussy band and wife! You may slobber on the bride!"

As the last, annoyingly high pitched words escaped the mouth of the neon monstrosity, the lips of two of the most mismatched creatures met, a bouquet made of pom-poms and pipe cleaners sailing through the air. As the irony gods would have it, the flying flowers of ouch hit Hiei's face, knocking him unconscious.

To, in her deranged way, celebrate the newly-wed couple, Marori pulled several home-made flamethrowers from fat air, passing them out as party favours. Along with the neat little parting gifts, sake was distributed to all who were above the age of four.

In the end, the damages were extraordinarily high, and a neon furby was melted to the pavement.

Chapter Note: Yes! I have finished!

I hope everyone sincerely enjoyed this wonderfully chaotic wedding! To all who comment, I wish a happy sock, and to those who don't, I wish moldy plungers. Until next time, Youko, out!