The Toilet Paper Hater's Club Chapter 9: Welcome to IHON!, a yu yu hakusho fanfic

Disclaimer: Well, here's another irksome disclaimer we writers are forced to state by unknown entities. How evil. I don't own Yu Yu Hakusho, meaning I don't own the characters Yoko Kurama, or Hiei. Neither do I own toilet paper of any kind, things related to Makai, furbies, cars, any type or brand of cheese, restraints, straight jackets, duct tape, muzzles, European people, wedding rings, rhymes, poetry, the saying 'my Precious', catch phrases, movie related things, guns loaded with frozen milk duds, school spirit songs, Alka-Seltzers (expired or otherwise), streets, cars, drunken idiots, 'lovey dovey' music, themes of suicide via cliff jumping, spit-wads, evil children, the official Oscar Mayer mobile, potato peelers, kitchen cutlery, can openers, helium filled hotdogs, pixie sticks, candies of any kind, regular hotdogs, garden gnomes, fire hydrants, pedestrians, priests, hardware stores, mustard, smelly socks, any brand of fireworks, chopsticks, vegetable oil or anything else that actually has an existing owner! I DO however lay claim to the TPHC (Toilet Paper Hater's Club), IHON (International House of Nuts), Jim the Coconut, the Coconian language, Marori, the parody song "Hiei the Sailor Man", 'Dust Bunnies of Impending Doom', the art of 'ducttapeography', Wipey the golden toilet paper god, "Marriage for Bakas" book, 'flaming batons of papery doom', Kudzu (the Magical Leprechaun of 'Oof') and Snotski (King of Sickness Elves). All characters mentioned within the "Toilet Paper Hater's Club" are of fictional origin.

Author's Note: Thanks so much to everyone who's left reviews for this little story of mine! I'm delighted that you've all responded so well to the revisions and rewriting of this fanfic! You belly up to insanity with such minimal prompting! Congratulations!

Chapter IX: Welcome to IHON!

After the fiasco of a wedding, and an excruciating two day hang-over, it was unanimously decided that it would be in everyone's best interests to go where they could all calm down and socialize with people possibly more insane than themselves – a looney bin!

The building itself was something to behold; the exterior was stark white, save for various coloured pieces of bubble gum stuck to the walls. The perimeter was lined with rows upon rows of perfectly trimmed holly bushes, most likely used as a deterrent for those wishing to escape from the windows, were they able to fit through the steel bars. Jutting out above the arched entry leading to the automatic front doors, were four massive letters, painted in red; "IHON", the 'H' being slightly crooked, and the 'O' having provided a nesting ground for a murder of overly sinister crows.

"This place gives me the creeps," Jade murmured, pulling her feathery white wings close to her body, as a sort of "protection" from the evil the sanitarium most likely harboured.

With a flip of his sleek, silvery hair, Yoko Kurama offered his piece of mind to the anxious group. "So long as Jim maintains his Coconian composure, we have nothing to fear."

"So, we're reading the emotions of a coconut in order to determine the impiety of this most unhallowed of grounds?"

"Yes, Miss Priss," came Hiei's snarl, "we're using a coconut to determine the impotency of this place. DO YOU CHALLENCE THE WRATH OF THE ALL KNOWING COCONUT! DO YOU, PUNK? DO YOU!"

"The word's IMPIETY, you wicked creature of darkness and impurity," the angelic being snapped in return. "Not impotency. Impotency is where a guy can't -"

Before the next word of the already ill-fated sentence could escape the haughty girl, Trinity's hand found its way over Jade's mouth. "Young ears, dear. Young ears," she warned, indicating the blonde feline, who stood, utterly perplexed.

"HURRY UP, YOU GUYS! IT DOESN'T TAKE AN HOUR TO WALK 20 FEET!" Ame shouted, already standing at the black mat set before the self-opening doors. "WE HAVEN'T GOT ALL DAY!"

Getting a running start, Neko-chan took a less than graceful leap onto the black mat, her face colliding with the glass door, then falling inside as the swooshed open.

"Way to slobber all over the door, numbskull," Raven muttered, stepping over the incapacitated cat, Jim cradled in her arms.

"Eew!" squealed Mayumi, pointing not at the drool-covered door, but at a previously unnoticed foe; the most heinous of creatures, THE COCKROACH! "KILL IT! TAKE OFF YOUR SHOE AND KILL IT!"

In one swift maneuver, Jade had pulled off one of her spotless, white sneakers, and her almighty foot of bug-killing doom came crashing down upon the vile creature with a loud crunch. "All gone!"

Marori, who had remained silent in the moments prior, stared at the tiny pile of bug guts that the mint-green haired girl was trying to wipe off of the bottom of her foot. "That is the most disgusting thing I have ever witnessed."

"Worse than that night we spent on the floor of the gas station bathroom?" the tall kitsune asked, grimacing at the memory.

"Yes."

"Even with the toilet spewing its contents as though Kudzu, the magical leprechaun of 'oof!', were on a tirade to end cleanliness in all public places?"

"Okay, so maybe not that horrible, but it was still pretty bad!"

By this time, somehow, the whole group had managed to progress into the lobby of the asylum, and made their way towards the reception desk. Sitting there, was a woman in her late 30's, with a smile plastered to her rosy face, as well as a rather large behind.

"Welcome to IHON," the woman greeted, her voice practically suffocating them with cheerfulness. "How may we help you today?"

Raising his hand above his head, Kurama dared to ask the question that had been on everyone's mind. "Ihon?"

"No, no, IHON. It's an acronym, dear."

"An acronym?" Hiei inquired sarcastically. "For what? Idiots Hyped On Narcotics?"

"No," the perky woman teased.

"Oh, oh, how about Irksome Hemorrhoids Occurring Needlessly?" suggested Neko-chan, who then paused momentarily. "Wait, Ame, what's a hemorrhoid?"

Smack.

"HEY! WHAT WAS THAT FOR!"

"For bein' an idiot!"

"Then what, you insolent, blathering fool, does the blasted thing stand for?" growled the short, blasphemous youkaii, clenching his fists.

"Well, little one, it actually stands for International House Of Nuts, but you all had such good guesses!" the lady told him, ruffling the mass of black hair sitting atop his head.

"What... did you just... say?"

"Stands?"

"N-no."

"Little one?"

With those words, which wrung as insults in the ears of the vertically challenged demon, Hiei's hand instinctively made a reach for his katana, which rest securely at his hip. One quick stroke could have served in parting the wretched woman's head from her equally wretched body, had Yoko Kurama's hand not met his. Unable to avoid the warning glance cast by the taller demon, Hiei was quickly subdued.

Oblivious to the situation that had just occurred, her smile never having faded from her overly taut face, the desk attendant gestured towards a second automatic door. "Would you like to take a tour of our lovely facility?"

"Can we meet the, er, guests?" Trinity ventured, clasping her hands together in morbid delight.

"Call them what they are, hun. They're nutters, not guests... Now, let's move on, shall we?"

Taking to a quick gait, the group followed the woman down a long stretch of white, winding hallways, passing the occasional barred, padlocked door, or random flight of stairs. The corridors were an eerie quiet, with the silence only occasionally pierced by the vehement shouts of the inhabitants "visiting" there.

At last, they reached a set of doors, with the words "Anime Obsession Wards" printed in big, bold letters. They continued ambling along until they came to a junction, with one path leading to "Nuts in Ruts" (NR) and the other to Yu Yu Hakusho Hunters (YYH Hunters). Following like a flock of mindless sheep, with the baa-ing and the smell of the pasture (most likely being emitted from Hiei's "lucky" sweat socks), they took the second path.

"Well, here we are, lads and lasses; the YYH Hunters. These wards are perfectly suited to your interests," she added, with a disgustingly dewy smile. "On the right side, you'll find as follows: Kurama's Secret Garden, Yoko's Fox Den and Hiei's Hide-away. On your left, there's Koenma's Castle, Yusuke's Yard and Kazuma-Montezuma's Palace. These names were personally selected to be the most appropriate titles for the individual rooms. Please, take some time to visit each of them at your leisure. Thank you, and enjoy your stay at IHON!"

As the woman walked off, muttering various things under her breath, Mayumi studied each door, polling the group on which they should begin with.

There was an overly ecstatic shout from Raven, which seemed all too out of character for the mistress of darkness, who was currently jumping up and down, cradling newly wed Jim. "HIDE-AWAY! HIEI'S HIDE-AWAY!"

"Aren't you married?"

"So?" retorted the black haired female. "What does my being married to Jim have to do with wanting to check out Hiei's Hide-away?"

"Let's just go, you group of gangly gaggling geese," Hiei sneered, pushing the door open without even the slightest trace of hesitation.

"Well, maybe with a few drapes and some colourful potpourri... that is, if you're one of those fixer-upper types of people who have nothing better to do than stare at wall-paper samples and –"

Cutting off Marori, Yoko Kurama let out a wonderfully fruitilicious gasp of girlish delight. "And the black marble floor is enough to make Karasu green with envy!"

Silence, silence all around, with not a mind left undisturbed...

Hiei's Hide-away, to the casual observer, seemed similar to what you could expect to find within a black hole. The walls, painted a jet black, extended upward into complete shadow, at a height which seemed to amount to hundreds of feet. The spotless floor, which appeared to be an endless expanse of black tile, had been wiped perfectly clean. However, the thing that seemed more striking than the dismal appearance of the room, was a giant poster of Hiei on the wall opposite of them, where five girls, all dressed in black, sat.

Hiei obsessed Goths...

The girls all remained poised on their pale knees, hands clasped together, praying to the immortal, and often immoral image. The voices of the girls, all of which seemed to be monotone, rung out, echoing in the vast space surrounding them all. However, all at once, the voices ceased and one girl, who sat in the center of the semi circle of girls, rose to her combat-boot clad feet.

"Who has dared venture into the sacred realm of Hiei's Hide-away?" asked the girl, her unusually deep voice ricocheting off the walls, though, her back still remained to the group.

"Well, maybe if you'd stop acting like a frigid wench and turned around, you'd know who the hell it is," Hiei suggested snidely, crossing his arms before his chest.

"I would know that acerbic remark anywhere... It seems you've finally come, Hiei. For months now we've anticipated your much awaited arrival, oh Lord of the Black Flame."

"And who might you be, Miss 'I can't be bothered to look you in the face when you barge into my padded room'?"

"I am Kanu, your most devoted follower. And... your soon-to-be bride."

--->Chapter Note: And there you have it. The result of my rapidly dying, yet still disturbed brain. I finished this at one in the morning, so yeah. Interpret as you will.

Reviews are nice. And you're even nicer if you leave them for me.