I couldn't believe it, eight months, two weeks, four days, six hours, and forty minutes after a roughed up and beaten Teyla, Rodney and Aiden had returned together, alone, declaring they honestly had no idea where Major Sheppard was John came stumbling back through the Stargate.
When the gate had activated and John's IDC had been received I'd froze I couldn't move, it was like my whole body had just shut down. I don't know who decided to lower the shield but before I knew it there he was standing in the gate room looking like he'd been dragged through hell and back.
He'd been standing right there and I hadn't been ready to believe it. My head had yelled at me not to trust that the thing I want most had just stumbled through the Stargate, that it couldn't really be him, that he was dead and that I had to be dreaming – I'd dreamt of his return many times, many different scenarios. My heart screamed at me to accept what I was seeing, that he really was standing there, that he was real.
I don't know how long we stood there watching each other while everybody else around use stayed still holding their breath. I knew they'd been hoping that maybe now I'd finally have – in their opinion – my long over due emotional breakdown, not realizing I'd already had several in private.
I ignored the shocked and stunned looks everyone gave me when I turned my back on John, ordering him to be escorted to the infirmary. I refused to let myself believe it was really him until Carson ran every last test he possibly could to either prove or disprove that the man who'd been standing in the gate room was John Sheppard.
I ignored the silence that hung over the room as I exited it. They were getting more and more frequent these days and it bothered me sometimes, but at least they'd all stopped actively trying to get me to talk, which was something.
I've been sitting in my dark room for the last several hours, unable to force myself down to the infirmary even after Carson contacted me telling me that as far as he could tell it really was John. I don't understand why I can't just let myself except that it's really him that he's not dead and that he's finally come home.
I watch as the moonlight reflects off the broken piece of glass as it tears into the skin of my arm. When I sit alone with a broken piece of glass in my hand and let it cut, it's like nothing else matters, there are no life or death decisions to deal with, there's no pain and at that moment I'm almost at peace. I don't cut to kill, few people do. I cut to escape, to say something…because everything is spinning around, everything is so confusing and painful and I feel so lost and alone….I just have to do it. Its different things that trigger it: a hard day, feelings, thoughts...memories. The good memories hurt more than the bad ones do.
I usually only cut inside my palms; hidden yet visible if anyone cares enough to look closely. But sometimes if things get really bad I'll cut on my upper arms or even on my legs; always somewhere easy to hide. When I first cut I thought the scars would become visible, but I see now that as the old ones have healed they fade and blend into the natural lines inside my palms. Something in me is happy about it yet something in me wanted clear scars…obvious ones. I'm as confused on this matter as everything else. I feel embarrassed about cutting yet proud at the same time, I want people to see it yet I don't, I want people to know yet I don't….I'm not sure what I want anymore.
Sometimes I just feel so tired, my head hurts, my vision is blurred and my mind is spinning out of control. I'm not sure what to make of anything and in the end I do nothing. It is like anger without the power, without the energy. I feel like the shattered and broken piece of glass I hold in my hand; broken, lost, alone, confused, strained….no longer complete or whole. I know I shouldn't do it, I know it's wrong….but I need to, I need it to keep me sane.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?" I startled at the familiar voice, not having heard John enter the room. Dropping down next to me John pulled the piece of glass out of my hand, using a part of his shirt to try and stem the flow of blood.
"Go away." I whisper, not wanting him to see me like this. I tried pulling away from him, but John just tightened his grip on my arm pulling me closer to him, wrapping me in a comforting embrace.
At that moment I finally realized that it was him, he really was real and I began crying. John gently coaxed me off the floor and onto the bed never taking his arms from around me. Lying there on the bed I buried my face in his shoulder and sobbed more hopelessly than before. The pitiful sobs racked my body as John held onto me for dear life.
I know he's confused and frightened about what he saw me doing, but at the moment I know that all that matters to him is making sure I'm ok and that makes me cry even harder. Here he is after having just gotten back from who knows where, after going through who knows what and all he can think about doing is trying to comfort me when it should be the other way around and for that I despise myself.
A sudden serge of rage flowed through me and I struggled to pull away, I didn't want his pity or comfort, I didn't deserve it, but John refused to let me go no matter how hard I fought him. After awhile my strength and energy disappeared and I gave up struggling. We lay entangled for several minutes as our breathing slowed, my head once again buried against his shoulder. Soon my breathing slowed to the rhythm of sleep and my mind began to cloud as sleep took over. I shut down completely, able to feel his heartbeat and my own, and unable to distinguish between the two.
Brushing a stray lock of hair from Elizabeth's eyes John pulled the blanket over them ever so slightly drawing it up around Elizabeth's sleeping form. John had to admit he'd been confused and even slightly hurt when he'd come through the gate and Elizabeth had ordered him taken to the infirmary turning her back on him with out even so much as a hello.
When it had become obvious that she wasn't going to come see him in the infirmary John had instigated a small jail break – which Carson had turned a blind eye to – and gone in search of Elizabeth. Stepping into Elizabeth's room and seeing her dig a piece of glass into her arm had caused John to feel more terror than he'd ever thought possible for one person to feel. Fearing he was about to loose the one thing that had gotten him through his months away from home, the one thing that had kept him sane John had quickly jumped into action grabbing the piece of glass away from Elizabeth and tried to stem the bleeding.
He had no idea what had driven Elizabeth to do what she'd did – and by the looks of the scars it hadn't been the first time – but John was determined that when she woke up he was going to get some answers and then he was going to do what ever the hell it took to get his Elizabeth back. He hadn't fought tooth and nail to get back home to her only to loose her soon after.
The warm feeling of the morning sunlight streaming in through the window on my face woke me up. Waking up a bit more I realized that one of my arms was drawn out at an awkward angle, cracking my eyes open I saw John studying the scars on my arm. Moving my gaze from my arm to John's face I found him staring at me, with a look I couldn't identify, searching for something, what I'm not sure.
Frowning slightly I pulled my arm back and started moving off the bed. Almost out of the bed I was stopped short when John gently but firmly grasped my wrist, forcing my fingers to uncurl and traced a finger over the scars there.
"Why?" John twisted my arm around slightly so that I could see the palm of my hand.
Suddenly feeling an over whelming urge to flee I snatched my hand back and finished getting out of bed, refusing to meet John's gaze. I wanted to tell him, I did, but I couldn't find the words, I didn't know how to put everything in to terms he'd understand.
"Elizabeth…" John followed after me, grabbing both my shoulders, forcing me to turn around and face him. Grasping both my arms John lifted them up between us. "Why?"
"I…I don't know." I whispered, trying to pull free of his hold.
"Damn it Elizabeth don't lie to me!" John stared straight into my eyes, not loosening his hold.
"John-!" My voice caught in my throat.
"Why?" John questioned again.
"Because you left and didn't come back! Because some alien planet had taken you from me and wasn't going to give you back! Because I thought I could convince myself everything was going to be okay but I couldn't! Because I love you more than I thought it possible for any one person to love another and it hurt like hell when you left me here all alone!" I shouted, starting to get pissed.
John had his arms wrapped tightly around me before I could fight him off. I stayed perfectly still, jaw clenched tight, pissed as hell that John had forced all of that out of me. Standing there in John's arms I tried to force a reaction, but nothing happened no matter how hard I tried.
"I'm sorry… I'm sorry…I'm sorry." And that was it; with John's whispered tear choked apologies the dam broke.
I felt the tears start falling from my eyes and the more I commanded them to stop, the more they decided to escape. Before long I was crying like there was no tomorrow and cling to John for everything I was worth.
Time stood still. John still had his arms wrapped around me and I couldn't understand why he wouldn't just let me go. I wasn't the same person he knew anymore, I didn't deserve to be there standing in his arms, taking comfort from him. But the fact that he wouldn't let go gave me hope that maybe just maybe there was a chance for me.
"Why are you forcing me to do this?" I don't know what made me ask him that, but some small part of me needed to know.
"I'm not forcing you to do anything. I'm just trying to make you see and understand that it's not ok, that your way of coping with my disappearance was the wrong way to go about it. But I'm back now and I swear I don't plan on going anywhere for a long while, will get through this together, I promise."
Tightening my hold on John I just stood there and let him hold me, putting my complete faith and trust in him to make everything alright again. Even if it took him eternity I knew he'd do it.