Arriving back at Elizabeth's quarters John was surprised to find the door locked. Worried but not quite ready to take away Elizabeth's right to privacy John took a deep breath and knocked on the door hoping that Elizabeth would open the door for him.
"Elizabeth please let me in." John called softly when his knock went un-answered. He knew she was in there he could hear slight sounds of movement in the room.
On the other side of the door Elizabeth sat on the floor leaning against her bed with her knees drawn up so she could rest her forehead on them. She'd known it was John at her door before he even knocked, hoping he'd get the message and leave her alone Elizabeth had stayed put even after he started pleading with her to open the door and let him in.
The calming warmth in John's voice had almost been enough for her to open the door but she couldn't. She couldn't bring her self to face him just yet. She feared that if she opened the door, removed the barrier between them she would snap like a twig standing in the way of a torrential storm. She knew that if John really wanted to come in he would, all he had to do was use his ATA gene to open the door, but she hoped he wouldn't.
The lack of response from Elizabeth was really beginning to worry and even slightly scare John. Taking in a sharp breath, his mind coming up with all kinds of things that he might find on the other side of the door, John used his ATA gene to open the door and stepped silently inside. Spotting Elizabeth in the darkened room John slid down next to her sitting in a similar position to hers.
"Hey…" John whispered softly, rubbing a comforting hand over Elizabeth's back, not missing the way he body shook slightly. Weary and worn out, Elizabeth tried to stop the shaking, fully disgusted with her self for showing such weakness.
Not saying anything John reached out a hand and ran it through Elizabeth's hair. When silent tears started flowing down Elizabeth's cheeks John gently brought her head closer to his, placing a kiss at the beginning of her hairline while leaning his head atop hers. Whispering calm words of apology and assurance into her ears John continued rubbing Elizabeth's back while pressing more light kisses to the top of her head.
Elizabeth couldn't believe how much she'd missed having John's arms wrapped tightly around her. Mesmerized by the unbelievable feelings it created, the tears came back in full force. The heart shattering sobs lost all cohesion in the black shirt that covered his chest. She'd craved to have his arms around her ever since he'd gone missing, it was something she felt weak for wanting, having never believed he'd come back to her. Yet here he was, running his hands along her back. She basked in his touch, letting it swarm her every sense, consume her very being because she knew, knew that this wasn't a 'forever' but a 'for the moment' because there was always the chance that next time really would be the time she lost John.
The emotions tried to make her cry harder but she'd already reached her quota. There were so many tears to cry but she lacked the energy. Her head throbbed violently in the wake of the storm of tears. The chest she now leaned on heavily rumbled as John whispered something incomprehensible to her. She felt herself start to move back and forth in a soft melodic rocking that soothed her for a moment.
Concentrating solely on breathing, Elizabeth didn't notice when John gently picked her up off the ground and moved the both of them onto the bed where she laid spooned in John's more than capable arms as he stroked her hair away from her face. As Elizabeth grew quiet, John was almost sure it was over, at least for now.
Pulling her closer to him, John nestled his chin into the crook of her neck and whispered quietly into Elizabeth's ear. "I'm here for you."
The statement was simple enough but it clicked something inside Elizabeth because she stiffened in his arms. Moving onto his elbow, John stared down into her eyes. Albeit swollen they were still shockingly gorgeous.
"What?" The question flowed from John's mouth as if it were an endearment and if she weren't so depleted, Elizabeth would have been shocked at the gentleness he was exuding.
Remaining silent, she simply shook her head and rolled back over. Snuggling deeper into the pillow, she fought off the fears of abandonment that were slowly creeping up on her; for some reason she couldn't accept his words for truth. Settling for the moment she was being graced with right now, she stifled a moan when his arm linked around hers. She wrapped herself up in him, using him like a blanket. With John's head resting above hers on the pillow, she nestled hers under his chin and soon drifted off.
Shifting in bed John, his body still wrapped up in sleep's hazy fog, rolled over to pull Elizabeth closer to him. Instead of landing on her waist, his arm hit an empty and rather cold spot on the bed. In a brief moment of panic John's eyes snapped open taking in the room around him. He let out a small sigh of relief when he spotted her standing by the window staring out at the view.
"Elizabeth?" John sat up on the edge of the bed.
"I thought I was doing ok… that I was finally starting to get a handle on everything. Before the other night it had been almost two weeks since I last cut, hell I hadn't even felt the overwhelming urge to cut in those two weeks." Elizabeth started speaking softly, never turning away from the window. "But then you came walking back through the gate and it all fell apart. I can't stop thinking about it, it's taking everything I have just to keep from trying to find a piece of glass, or a knife, something, anything that I can cut with. It scares me because now that you're here I shouldn't need or want to do it anymore, but I do, I want to do it so bad that I'm afraid to trust myself…" Her eyes pricked with tears but she didn't give them a chance to fall.
John didn't know what to say or do. It was tearing him up inside seeing Elizabeth like this. Getting off the bed John moved to take Elizabeth in his arms but she side stepped around him.
"Don't John…please just don't." Elizabeth moved back putting space between her and John.
"Don't what? Talk to me Elizabeth please." John pleaded.
"Don't look at me with that look of fear in your eyes, like you don't know who or what I am anymore."
"I am scared Elizabeth. I was terrified that I was going to lose you the other night. I didn't just spend the last eight months in a fucking slave camp fighting to stay alive, fighting to get home, I didn't condemn the man who helped me to escape, to certain death because I convinced him to stand up to his people and say what they were doing was wrong only to finally get home and end up losing you. So believe me when I say hell yeah I'm scared. It's scaring the shit out of me that I don't know what to do to help you."
"It's scaring me too." Elizabeth whispered as she moved closer to John allowing him to hold her.
"I want you to talk to Heightmeyer." John felt Elizabeth tense up as she tried to pull away from him, but he refused to let her go. "Elizabeth please, you need help, help that I can't give you by myself. I promised we'd get through this together and we will, but you have to work with me here. All of this is way out of my league and it hurts like hell to admit I can't help you on my own, but I'm man enough to admit that I…we… need help."
"Alright I'll talk to her."
Taking a slight step back John gently but firmly took Elizabeth's face in both his hands forcing her to look at him. "I mean it Elizabeth, don't humor me don't brush me off on this one. I'll drag you to Heightmeyer's office myself if I have to. Promise me you'll do this for me."
"I promise." Elizabeth wrapped her arms around John resting her head against his chest when he let go of her face. "I promise."
Elizabeth stood outside Kate's office door, waiting. She wasn't sure what exactly it was she was waiting for. Maybe it was for her stomach to stop twisting into knots, or for her feet to just move, or for her self to be ready to talk about this. Elizabeth had to admit she was scared, scared to go in there and find out just how screwed up she really was.
Elizabeth turned away from the door, fully intending to softly walk back to her room and leave it alone for now, but the annoying voice it her head that sounded frustratingly enough like John reminding her of her promise made Elizabeth stop part way down the corridor.
"Elizabeth?"
For a fraction of a second Elizabeth contemplated ignoring Kate, pretending that she hadn't heard the other woman and continuing down the corridor, but that annoying voice spoke up again forcing Elizabeth to turn around and face whatever was to come head on.
"You're late, I was starting to think I'd have to call John to track you down." Kate tried to keep her voice light, knowing that in her office talking with her was the last place Elizabeth wanted to be.
John, right the whole reason she was here in the first place. Letting out a small sigh Elizabeth started back towards Kate. She could do this, it was just talking nothing to it. Stuffing her hands into her pockets to hide the fact that they were shaking Elizabeth silently entered Kate's office taking a seat in one of the visitor chairs. Sitting down as well Kate took a moment to look Elizabeth over. Elizabeth looked like she hadn't slept in days and had possibly lost a few pounds.
Seeing the way Elizabeth sat absently fidgeting with a loose thread on her shirt looking every where but at her, Kate reached out a hand and gently placed it over one of Elizabeth's, stopping the fidgeting.
"Elizabeth it's ok to be nervous even scared. You've been through a lot these last few months. Admitting you need help is nothing to be ashamed of. You're not alone here, there are several of us in the city who want to help you if you'll let us."
Looking at Kate and meeting her gaze for the first time since entering the room Elizabeth paused for a moment searching for something in the other woman's eyes. Finding what she was looking for; a true desire to help, Elizabeth gave a slight nod. She could do this, it wouldn't be an over night thing it would take time be with help from Kate, John, and the others she would get through this.
Giving Kate's hand a slight squeeze of gratitude Elizabeth started talking.