I didn't know what to say to him. I hoped that after all of this on Sunday, something would change in him, and he could start to become the Jeff we used to know.

"I also know what everyone's been saying about your match." He told me.

"Yeah, I've talked with Chris and Jay and they both want me to back out." I said.

"Back out? Hell no, not now. This is your baby, you can't back out." He said. "It's time to show everyone why you used to hang with us, why you're the best damn Diva ever, and one of the best wrestlers around."

"You understand." I said.

I said down on the bed. I looked up at Jeff, he was absolutly beautiful. He always was. I didn't want to bring myself back to those nights after last years Unforgiven. I had put myself there every day since. I was sick of being upset and depressed and lost. I didn't want to be that girl anymore. I had spent so much time wondering and crying. I couldn't, and wouldn't, do it anymore.

"It's amazing, two years in a row now we're dazzeling audiances with our matches." Jeff said. "This is the second Unforgiven where you and I are involved in the most crazy or matches."

"Yes, well things are changing after this Unforgiven." I said. "Mistakes were made, and for the better of it, they have been forgiven. After this Unforgiven, I'm not going to screw anything up, I'm not going to be the crying always depressed girl that I was. This Unforgiven marks a new Destiny."

"That's the spirit."

"And I am going to help you help yourself." Jeff looked at me. "You said it yourself, things are fucked up right now. And I might be the very last person you can fully trust, but I am the only person that fully understands your mind."

"Maybe." He said. "You used to know my mind. Now all you have is memories. You can understand, but you used to know."

"What are you talking about?" I asked. The mood had just changed.

"You don't know me anymore, Destiny. Not like you used to. Last year, a part of me died. The part of me you knew. I've been trying to find that person, find myself since then. It hasn't worked. I'm the lost one now and there is no one who can find me."

"Jeff, I thought we were working this all out?"

"Yes, we have. I can sit in a room with you and not feel as if my heart is being crushed. I can talk to you now. But I don't trust you. I can't. I won't be able to until I find that person that died, if I ever can revive him." This was all a shock to me. "Destiny, you and Matt did something to me I know I can never forget. Matt is my brother, and we were raised to always forgive family, because you only have one. And I'll be honest with you, I hate him. I hate him for what he did to me. I could never truly forgive him. But he's my brother, and there is a love there, that no matter what, will never die. I'll be honest, for a few monthes I couldn't stand to look at him. My father told me men are faulted. He said that family is the only true bond, and if I walk out on Matt forever I will regret it for the rest of my life." He paused. "Destiny, even though Matt and I have put this behind us, I can't trust him as I once did. And you and I are starting to do so also. I can be your friend, I can be there for you, but nothing more. There's nothing for us but to be friends. You can't help me."

"So why bother even coming to you to set this right?" I asked. I felt the tears come up, but I wasn't going to show pain. I wasn't that girl anymore.

"Des, look, I don't want to ignore you. I hated that. But I can't look towards you for anything like this. The moment you slept with Matt, the second time, you threw away any vow of trust. I can't confide in you as I once did."

"You may not want to, but believe it or not Jeff, I am the only one who even knows, remotly, what you're going through. There is not one person in this federation, or in your life, that knows what it's like to have a mind like yours. So you can go on and say that I don't know you anymore and that you don't trust me. Fine, I can deal with that. But how's this, you are going to need someone, very soon infact. And, when you can't go to Matt because he doesn't know, you're going to be even more lost, and with no one to turn to. So build your walls, you won't be able to bring them down."

I left the room. I was heated. But, what was I to expect? Jeff to come to me with open arms? We had just put together a friendship, and I couldn't lose that. I slammed the door behind me. I began to pace in the hallway. I wasn't running anymore. No more knocking on someone's door in the middle of the night. I wasn't that girl anymore. I hoped Jeff would come out and say everything's ok, but I knew he wouldn't. He was so far gone. I feared there was nothing anyone could do.

Moments later, a very tired Matt came out of the room. I didn't notice. He stood infront of me andI bumped into him.

"You alright?" He asked.

"Yeah, fine." I answered. "Just had a conversation with Jeff."

"Then I take it that conversation didn't go so well." He said.

I held everything back. "No, it's ok."

"Don't kid yourself, or me. I see it in your eyes."

"Really, I'll be fine. I don't want to be that depressed girl anymore, I'm sick of it."

"You have every right to be upset. Things are still hurting. Don't feel so bad."

I threw myself at him. "I'm the last person he trusts, he would ever trust. I should expect that, you know. But I thought everything was ok. I want to help him. I know that man in there, more than he wants to admit to. I can help him, I know I can. I don't want to see him like this anymore, searching for whatever it is he has lost. I know what's going on inside his head, mine's the same way. I know how it hurts."

"Jeff still needs time. You know him. It's hard for him to trust people as it is, and all of this happened. I'm his brother and he barely trusts me still. I know how much this may hurt you, but you know Jeff. You can't attack him. He'll just close himself off."

He was right. I didn't give him any imforation about what Jeff said, and how harsh it was, and how right he was. I just looked up at him. "Can you please hold me?" I asked.

Matt excepted my request. His grip was firm, but I melted in his arms. His hold brought me back. Back to ealier this year. We were going to get married, for Matthew. It brought me back to how we used to act, earlier, and how we acted before Unforgiven last year. All those feelings I had for him the year before came rushing back, including how good it felt to be with him after Unforgiven. And I don't mean in a sexual way.

"Can you stay with me tonight?" I asked.

"Des, I don't think that's such a good idea." He answered. "I still have Matthew sleeping in there, and Jeff. He was laying down when I left. Probably not sleeping, and I bet he's wondering where I am."

"I'm not asking you to stay in my bed. Bring Matthew with you, wait for Jeff to fall asleep if you need to."

"Sneaking around didn't help us before. It was what got us in trouble."

I pushed him away. "Fine."

I went back into my room. I held my composure the whole time. I wanted Matt with me because I didn't trust myself alone. My emotions and anger were running wild, and I knew I shouldn't be alone, and I was right. I raided the mini-bar, which was very well stocked. I lost all control. I drank it all, ever last drop. I ended up in the bathroom, leaning against the tub. I rolled my shorts up on my left leg. I had a razor blade in my hand from my purse. I slit it across my thigh. The sting felt good, better than the emotional pain I was going through now. This was something I hadn't done since I was a child. But I was in over my head.

I moved myself into the tub and leaned against the wall. The blood began to stream out of my leg. I cut pretty deep. The blood dripped into the tub, I could hear it. I just sat there. I couldn't move, I didn't want to move. The hours slipped away and dawn arived.

There isn't a real way to explaine why anyone cuts. You just do it, it's your way of coping. Putting emotional pain and turning in into physical. Physical pain's eaiser to deal with, I suppose. Physical pain you can see, and move one with. You're unsure of what's going on inside your head, becuase you're not really there. And with one slit of a blade, everything seems to go away. I don't recomend anyone do it. It's very dangerous. Infections are involved, and even death if you hit the right place hard enough. There are eaiser ways to deal with things. For me, it took me longer to realize that.

Anyway, the blood collected in the tub. It seemed into my shorts. There wasn't a terrible amount in there, but enough to make my very light headed. And I was very light headed.

I knew I had to fix my leg. I had to do something. I got out of the tub, but was unable to walk. I fell to the ground and began to crawl out, dragging my leg, and blood, with me as I crawled. My head was killing me and I felt so sick. I was very hungover. And today was the big signing. I reached for the guaze and medical I kept in a First Aid box. I tried to put the guaze on the cut and wrap the tape around my leg, but I couldn't keep my eyes open, and I slipped out.

When I opened my eyes I saw Matt standing over me with Jay, Chris, and Paul. Apparently, Jay had been trying to get in touch with me, but there was no answer. He got Chris and got the key to my room and found me, uncouncious, on the floor in my room. Their inctial reaction was to get Paul, Matt happened to over hear it all.

"She's awake." Matt called out. All four rushed over to me.

"Destiny, oh God, you're alright." Paul hugged me. "Christ, what made you do this to yourself?" I was only able to moan.

"Mini-bar's empty." Chris said holding up an empty bottle, than dropping it.

"Why would you do this?" Paul asked. I looked over at Matt. "Hardy?" Paul got up. "What did you do? What did you do my little girl?"

"Nothing." Matt nerviously answered. "She was in my room last night, talking to Jeff. She ran out in a hurry. I woke up when she slammed the door. I asked her what was wrong and she said nothing. She wanted me to stay the night, but I didn't think it was right. Now, I wish I had."

"What happened with Jeff?" Paul asked.

"She didn't tell me, and I never asked him." Matt answered. "Paul, don't do anything. Please. I am begging you."

"Alright." Paul replied.

They tried to get me to eat and drink orange juice, anything to get my energy up and my blood cells working again. I was barely concious enough to chew or swallow. I was in pretty bad shape.

"We need to take her to a hospital." Paul said.

"And when they find out what she did to herself, they'll comit her." Jay said. "She's not crazy."

"And, unfortunatly, she actually needs Sunday. I know none of us want her in that ring, especially now. But if we take that away from her, forget it." Chris said. "I know it sounds really crazy, but if she can't do this on Sunday, she might cut closer next time."

"They're right." Matt said. "We're going to have to watch over her. I will. You guys go to the signing. Don't tell anyone about this."

"Don't worry, Matt." Jay said. "We'll take care of everything."

It had been a few hours before I woke up. Matt was sitting in a chair, looking blankly at the wall. I tried sitting up, but I felt light headed. Matt noticed, and rushed to my side.

"Here, drink this." He gave me the orange juice. "Eat this too." He paused. "Why? Did you want me to feel guilty? Well, you did."

"Because this is all about you." I said.

"Then why?"

"I wanted you in my room because I didn't trust myself alone. Is that good enough?"

"Why did you do it?" He asked.

"I didn't know what else to do. I can't cry anymore, I can't run. I had all of that anger and no where to go." I answered.

"Because of Jeff?"

"Yes. I felt completly unwanted. More so than that, I felt useless and hurt. I was told, in a very hurtful manner, that I am simply untrustworthy. I know I can help him, I know it."

"Is that what this is about?" He brought me close to him, and it all came back.

I looked up at him, and he looked down at me. Our eyes locked, and I couldn't bring myself to look away. I really couldn't. And I knew he couldn't either. He brushed his hand down my face and took my hand. My body melted.

"I'm sorry about all of this. About everything really. Screwing up your relationship, coming up witht that crazy idea to get married. I know that I am the reason things are so bad right now, and I know that I haven't helped make them better." He told me. "And if I hadn't have left you last night, this never would have happened."

"Don't blame yourself. It's my fault too. I slept with you also, remember. And I haven't helped myself at all this past year. I've been crying to everyone else. And why I try to keep my compsore, I fuck it up by doing this, and again I drag everyone down."

"We only do this because we love and care about you." Matt told me. "I love and care about you." My heart skipped a beat. "Destiny, you're the mother of my child, my son, our son. I can't lose you, I can't do it on my own. The moment I found out, I wish I had known before hand. What we did, it wasn't an accident, I don't look at it that way. I don't do something like that without feeling something very strong for the other person. I don't look at sex as just something done. For me, I have to do it with a lot of feeling involved. I don't know how you think of it, and I am not making any asumptions. But that's how I feel."

"Sex was my thing. I used it for atention. I thought here, it'd work the same. Adam first, and so on. But each time, something in me changed. A lot of things in me changed here. I hate admiting to it, but I didn't feel anything for Adam. He probably didn't feel anything for me either, and that's ok. With Jay, it was different, both times. The second was the most different. Yes, I did it again. And with you, it was really different. I can't lie and say that both times I didn't feel anything, even the second time." I sighed. "Love, sex, it's all a complicated mind game."

"It is."

We didn't say anything else about it. It was true, about Matt, and Jay too. Though, with Jay, I can honestly say, from both of our point of views, that what we didn't wasn't basesd on love. I'm not saying it was based on nothing, but more of a strong bond, a really strong friendship, like I've said. It's something that is controlled, I don't feel the need to sleep with Jay when I need it. And, the same for him. But, with him, it was, the second time, a test. We were so close that we had to test the limits of our friendship. It's like, the friend you are so close to, you consider them family, but you have to see what it would be like if you did. That sort of thing.

Anyway, Matt checked on my leg. They had cleaned up the blood in the bathroom, and most of the carpet. They also changed my clothes. Matt changed the bandage on my leg and wne to the mini-bar, no restocked with orange juice, apple juice, and water. He refilled my glass.

"Since you're not eating." He said.

"I am really sorry you missed the signing. Vince is going to give us both shit about this. No doub't Amy's there, talking away about me."

"Leave it to you to worry about that." He told me. "Don't worry, Jay and Chris are coming up with something."

"Of course I'd worry about that, you know me." I said.

"Do I." He replied. "More than you know, I think."

"I bet I know you more than you think." I said.

"We may never know." He looked at me, strangly. "Why did you really do it?"

"I told you." I answered.

"It's not just about Jeff." He said. "It can't be."

"Why not?" I asked.

"I don't know." He answered. "One incident can't make someone drink everything in a mini-bar and then cut themselves."

"No, but a year long of incidents can." I said. "I never dealt with anything that happened with us. All I have done is cried about it, cried so hard that I've thrown up. But I didn't release it. Same thing with Amy. Except, I relased it on her. Everything that's ever happened with Jeff, every moment I saw him, everything, I didn't do anything about it. I'm not saying this is the best thing to do about it, but I don't know anything else. This was a year in the making." Matt didn't say anything, he stopped looking at me. "What?"

"I should have seen it." He answered. "It was all right there in front of me. I was just too busy thinking about how I was going to marry you, do the right thing and all, and too worried about everything to see it."

"Matt, this isn't your fault." I said.

"If I didn't sleep with you last year, you wouldn't have done this. If I had paid attention to you, this wouldn't have happened."

"Last year was just as much my fault too. And, I think you've paid more than enough attention to me. Too much maybe."

"Destiny, for you, there is never too much. Never too much attention, never too much love." He said. "There's not. I've known you just over two years now, and I know it's not that long, but I can't help but tell you that you are the most wonderful, strong, and beautiful woman I have ever known. Not since my mother have I seen strength like I see in you. She was so happy and so full of life, and I never thought I'd find a woman like that, and then I met you. And you are, you are everything that I loved about her."

"I think I am far from happy." I said.

"No, you're wrong." He said. "What's been happening, that's just making you stronger. But I know when you're in that ring, you couldn't be any happier, or when your with our son, you couldn't be any happier. Your smile, it brightens up the room, and everyone's day. Destiny, I really hope one day you can see all of the good that I see inside of you. See all the reasons why I love you. Why everyone does."

"Everyone except Jeff."

"No, even him. I know that for a fact." He said.

"Really?" I asked.

"Really. You don't see him as much as I do. He's starting to talk to me again, and I know it. He tells me so."

"If he really loved me, then why would he say those things to me?"

"Because he's hurt." Matt answered. "He's still hurt. Trust me, Destiny, I would never lie to you."

That was true. He never did, not once. I couldn't, then, seem to understand why Matt was always so nice. He comparing me to his mother was a shock. I wish I could have known her. Matt was very emotional, both brothers were. They weren't afraid to tell you what they were thinking and how they felt. They were human, and knew it. They didn't try to be some macho man showing no emotion what so ever. They didn't buy into that crap.

"I know you won't, I just want this all to be over with." I said. "Just get everything out so we can move on."

"I understand." He said.

"Just put everything out there, all at once. That way, we can just deal with everything and there's no surprises." I paused. "I don't think I can handle anymore surprises."

"Neither can I. I think all of us have been shaken down to the very last bit." Matt replied. "But, I guess that's what you get for tapping into a very sensitive subject."

"I wonder what would happen if we showed up at the signing." I said, off topic.

"Paul would kill me. I swore I'd watch over you." Matt answered.

"I wouldn't want that."

"Besides, you don't have all your strength back, you couldn't walk out of here."

"True. My leg throbs." I said.

"Have you ever seen anyone about that?" Matt asked.

"Have I went to a looney bin? Yes, I was comitted for a year. I was sixteen." I answered. "I went to an all female 'rest home'. Three floors, each floor with a different level. Level 1 for the hard to deal with teens, level two for the ones who did have problems, and level three for the completly fucked up ones. For three monthes I lived in level three. One person to a room, one nurse to a person. You couldn't do anything without someone being there."

"I didn't know." Matt said.

"I didn't think I needed to tell anyone. Not that I am ashamed, I will admit my mistakes. It didn't help. They just watched you and you went to a shrink you knew wasn't listening. So, when I came out at 17, nothing changed. I was just a way for a year from the things I loved doing."

"What made you get sober?" Matt asked.

"I got sick of it. At 19 I ended up in a hospital. Drugged out of my mind, beaten, and raped. When I came to and sobered up I realized that this wasn't the life I could live. There was someone else in my room, pretty much the same situation as me, and she died. I saw her die. I always heard about that kid that died over what we did, but it didn't change us. We didn't care. But I saw her die. I saw them cut her up and did everything they did to her, and she died. That changed me."

"You lead an intense life." Matt said. "Don't let anyone tell you your life was easy."

"Indeed. All over my parents. I wasn't good enough. Parents really know how to fuck you up. And, unless you've been through it, people just see it as an excuse. No one beleives that two people that brought you into this world could be so crule. They can be." I answered. "I think parents can be the most damaging people in someone's life. You were lucky. You're father may have been strict, but he loved you."

"He was, and still is." Matt said. "He wanted what was best for us. He's old fashioned. When mom died he lost a part of himself. He had to play both roles. He didn't know what to do at first, but he learned. And sure, he had his flaws, everyone does, but he went so far out of his way for us."

"You can tell. You two are the most well put together men I have ever seen." I said.

"Jeff lost it too when mom died, it's why he is the way he is. I bet you if mom hadn't died, he wouldn't be this mysterious man." Matt told me. "He has it together, but in a different way. He so much like my mom is so many ways, and in others he so different. All of her good qualities he has. I am like my father. Jeff was so close to her too. More than me. It was this bond they had. And, when she died, Jeff didn't know how to deal with it. It was hard for him to move on. He shut himself up, kind of like now."

"How did he cope?" I asked.

"I don't know. It took him years to finally come back to himself. And, what we got was the Jeff everyone knows. I don't know what it was that made him snap back. He didn't say. Slowly he was able to fully deal with it. And he just became this mysterious man. This deeply creative man who's mind was beyond anyone's comprehension."

"So maybe in a few years Jeff will finally be over this and we'll get an even more mysterious strange Jeff?" I asked.

"Maybe." Matt smiled. "Don't worry. This is different. He'll be alright. You just can't get on his case, he freaks out. It's the one thing he can't stand. He hates being rushed. You push, he goes slower. He knows when he's ready, and no one can make him get there any quicker."

"It makes perfect sense." I said. "Why can't we all be like that?"

"No one has the patients anymore, I guess." Matt answered. The phone rang and Matt answered. "Paul, hey, I was expecting you to call again sooner. No, this time she's awake. Fine really. No, she still looks a little pale, but she looks so much better. Don't worry, I'm feeding her. It's bleeding a little, but not so much anymore. Do you want to talk to her?" He paused. "It's Paul."

"Hey." I said.

"You have no idea how good it is to hear your voice." Paul told me. "I called before and you were out still."

"I'm sorry."I said. "About all of this. Dragging all of you into it. It's not fair."

"We love you, Destiny, and we would do anything for you at anytime." He told me. "Is Matt treating you well?"

"He's a prince." I said. "He's doing everything for me, more than he should. What am I missing?"

"Nothing, really. Don't worry, everyone thinks you're projectile vomiting."

"Is that the story you came up with?" I asked.

"No, just that you're sick. People assume it's bad since you didn't come." He answered.

"Is Amy talking?"

"Don't worry about it, she's fine." He told me. "I don't care what she says, I am just worried about you. When I saw you on that floor like that, I nearly fell over. Everything was in slow motion, and for the first time, I had no idea on what to do. I couldn't hold you to see if everything was ok."

"I am very sorry, Paul."

"You don't even have to tell me why, just promise me I won't ever have to see you that way again." He told me. The sound of his voice when he said that was unexplainable. It was a tone I never heard him use before. It sent chills up my spine.

"I promise." I said. It took me a while to get the words out.

"Because I don't think I can take seeing that once more. It blew my heart out. I thought I had done everything I could have as a father figure for you, and when I saw you I felt completly helpless. I felt that you couldn't talk to me, that there was some kind of problem in your life, and I can't do anything about it."

"Paul, trust me, I'll be fine." I said.

"I will always trust you, sweet heart. But, I can't help but think that you just might do it again, and that I am going to have to watch you just that much closer." He told me. "I love you, and I don't want to see anything bad happen to you. I have to go now, I will call you again later."

"Bye." I said.

"So, is everything ok?" Matt asked me when I hung up.

"Yeah, fine. He's just worried." I answered.

"We all were." He said. "Not knowing where someone you love is, and then finding them passed out in a pool of their own blood, seeing a trail of blood from the bathroom. So many thoughts go into your head, and then, we saw the blade in your hand, and we knew. You have no idea what it's knowing someone you love has done something like that to themselves. Maybe you do, but, I didn't. My head spun, I thought you were dead, honestly. Chris checked a pulse, he was the only one who was able to touch you. I know I was afraid you'd be cold. Paul couldn't stand, barely. He nearly fell to the floor. Jay had to hold him up. And that didn't help much because I know Jay had to lock his knees so he would keep from falling over."

"I'm sorry, ok. I didn't think about anyone finding me. I hoped no one would. I was able to do it before with no problem, just this time I cut too deep. I didn't want to hurt anyone, or have anyone find me."

"When was the last time you did this?"

"I did a lot right after it all happened last year." I confessed without argument. "It was too much."

I confessed it all to Matt without him having to really ask me. It was time I did. Right when everything happened, it was the only way I could release my pain. I didn't know who I could talk to then, it was all still too weird. Matt listened, like he always does. This time, I brought him to tears. And even though he isn't afraid to show emotion, I haven't really seen him cry. It wasn't a big cry, just tears streaming down his face.

"I want you to know that no matter how bad things are, I will always be here for you. It's going to take so much more to get me to stay away." He told me. "Goddamnit, Destiny, I love you."

"I know, Matt, thank you." I said.

"No, Destiny, you don't. I'm not talking about love the way Paul loves you, or the way Jay and Adam and Chris do. Not like that. Not that love that we've all grown to have due to friendships and really close ones. I don't love you like a sister, the way Jay does, or like a really cloes partner and friend like Chris. I don't love you like Adam, a partner in crime, or like Paul does, like a daughter."

"Matt-" I started to say.

"I sure as hell don't love you the way anyone does." He said. "Since Matthew was born I tried every possible way to say it, and none of them worked. I thought I should just shut my mouth, but I can't. Not anymore. This was fate, and I have to take advantage of it. I know how you feel about my brother, and I know how he feels about you deep inside. That's why it's taken me so long to come out and say it, but I have to. I just don't love you like they do."

"What are you trying to say?" I asked. I sort of knew, but he could have meant anything. "And whatever it is, don't let it be pitty for me hiding behind a mask."

"I can never pitty you, only smypathize with you." He said. "Destiny, I love you."