Paul's always right. That fact didn't change at all since we had been driving. He didn't say much to me, not lectures, no nothing. He said his advise, and that was that. It was good that way. I don't think I could have handled any lectures. He had one hand on the wheel, and one on the stick shift, and he just looked at the road.
We were on out way back to the hotel now. I had some what of a clearer head, and felt a little bit better about the situation. We pulled into a parking spot and Paul stopped the car. He sat there for a minute, then turned to look at me. He smiled, and in that smile I found the answers. It was strange, but helped me. He put his hand on mine.
"Destiny," he said. "This will work itself out. Just deal with one thing at a time"
I nodded and we out of the car. Paul put his arm around me as we walked inside. In the lobby, waiting impatiently, were Matt and Jeff. When they saw us walk through the doors, they nearly jumped out of their skin. Jeff had a black eye, and had put gauze on the cut on his head. Matt had a red ring around his throat, and little bandages on his arms. They walked over to Paul and I.
"I'll be over there if you need me," Paul told me. He kissed the top of my head and walked off. "We are so sorry," Matt said.
I put my hand up. "I know, and so am I. But, lets get into this after tomorrow," I said. "It's stressing everyone out, and no one's making any sense. After Sunday's over with, we can sit down and really talk about this. For now, lets just accept the apologies"
They nodded. "Destiny, you look weak, go lay down," Matt told me. "I'll be fine," I said. The three of us looked at each other, and then I went back to Paul. I wasn't all that fine. I had been dizzy off and on since I had gotten up to see what was wrong. My leg still hurt pretty bad, I didn't want to give off any indication that I wasn't feeling well. "Everything ok?" Paul asked. "For now," I answered. "I took your advice. Holding off all explanations until after tomorrow"
"I mean with you," he said.
"Oh, yes, well I guess so," I replied. "I mean, I don't feel that great, and then this happens. But I'll be fine, really. Don't worry about me"
"It's my job, I have to look out for you," he said with a smile. "And I don't regret any of it for a second"
We walked back to Paul's room. He told me to wait in there with Stephanie and my son while he got all of my things. I laid on the other bed with Matthew crawling around next to me. Stephanie was on the other bed, sitting there, unsure of anything that was happening. She didn't have any details, nothing.
"So, what have you heard?" I asked.
"Oh, nothing really. Just that you hurt yourself, Matt and Jeff fought, and you were there to yell at them. Then you left with Paul," she answered. "Why would you do that to yourself"
"I don't know, I've done it before, and it's been the way I've dealt with really bad things. I just went too far this time"
"Have you done it since you've been here"
I paused. "Yes," I answered. "I have, since the whole thing happened with me and Jeff. I'm not proud of it"
"Why didn't you come to any of us? We would have helped you"
"I know. This is my defense mechanism. It's easier to deal with physical pain, that goes away. Mental pain, it doesn't. By turning it into a physical pain, I can deal with it, make it go away"
"But, you still hurt," she said. "What happened has still haunted you and caused you pain"
"Yes," I said.
"So, it hasn't gone away," she told me. "You haven't done anything to make it go away"
"No, but at that moment when it hurts the worst, I can deal with it." I paused. "I know this is hard for a lot of people to understand, and I don't want to make you understand"
"But I want to. Paul wants to. We all want to understand why you do this to yourself," she said. She was getting upset.
"And I wish I could make it make sense to you," I replied. "But, I can't. I do this because it has been my way out since I was younger. I had never had anyone I could talk to, until now. And, I know it's been a year and everything, but I am still not fully used to being able to knock on your door and tell you I am hurting. It's just like you having someone there for you your whole life, and then like that, it's taken away"
"Maybe you need some help with this. Help we can't give you," she said.
"I had help, I was in an institution, and that didn't help," I told her. "They told me I was crazy and put me away"
"Then maybe it's us you need," she replied. "Maybe you need someone to love you, and tell you they are here for you. Maybe you need the help of family, this family, the WWE family. You have a family here, Destiny. Me, Paul, Adam, Jay, Chris, Matt, Jeff, we are all here for you. I don't want you to ever think you are alone and have no one"
She got off her bed and came to mine. She wrapped her arms around me and we held each other for a moment. She was right. I had a family here, I wasn't alone. There wasn't any place to hide anymore.
Paul returned with all of mine and Matthew's things. He sat them down in the corner and sat down beside Stephanie and myself. Matthew crawled over to him and he picked him up and held him. Matthew laughed and giggled as Paul tossed him up and caught him again. I smiled back. It was a beautiful sight. Paul couldn't be any happier. He didn't have any children, for obvious reasons. It's hard in this business. Matthew, in a way, was like the child of all of us, us being not only mine and Matt's son, but Jeff's, Chris's, Jay's, Adam's, Paul's, and Stephanie's. "I'm going to order something from room service," Stephanie suggested. "Give me a food list"
"I'm not all that hungry," I said.
"You're eating something," Paul told me. "You need to build up your strength"
He ordered for me, and I couldn't argue it. Paul then set up Matthew's little crib. Matthew was now crawling on the floor and went over to his crib. Matthew stood up and lifted his arms up to Paul. Paul bent down and put Matthew in his crib. Matthew sat in there with some of his toys and began to play.
"Are you going to be ok for tomorrow?" Stephanie asked me.
"Does it matter if I'm not"
"It should," she answered.
"I don't think I have a choice, I won't let myself sit it out. I've put too much into it to back out now." I said. "I just think your health should come first"
I didn't have a choice, I'd have to be dead, or near it in order to get out of this match. I would have crawled off my death bed in order to do it. The day was almost here and I wasn't going to let anything stop me from doing it. I knew that even though most of my friends were scared to death for me, and were a little bit shaky of the idea of the match, but they all knew what it meant to me, because they all have had matches that meant that much. I know Paul, no matter how much he didn't want me to step into that ring, knew that I had to no matter what because he has had many matches like that. The food had arrived. Paul ordered me spaghetti, I guess he figured it was loaded with carbs, and carbs mean energy, even though carbs are taboo right now. I put a little on a separate plate and put it in Matthew's crib for him to eat. Paul kept a close eye on me to make sure I ate.
"And you didn't think to get bread? What am I supposed to dunk in my sauce?" I asked.
"Since when have you been so Italian?" Paul asked me.
"I am Italian"
"Your last name is Diaz, that's not Italian," Paul said. "Duh, my father wasn't," I answered. "My mother was"
"You think you know someone," he joked. The night dragged, as does every night before a pay-per-view. You want the night to end so you can get to that match, and get it over with. It makes your stomach turn sometimes just thinking about it. You can't do anything either. You can't go out, because you don't want to be out late, or hung-over. You can go lift weights in the little gym, but it gets too quiet in there. You're sort of stuck, watching the time pass slowly by. Paul and Stephanie decided to invite the guys over for a pre-pay-per-view party. I had calmed down a lot. This happens sometimes, and not just for pay-per-views, but for random occasions. You just order up room service to bring alcohol and some food. Just a casual drink, of course. Paul reminded me, repeatedly, that I was not drinking. Everyone had come down in about ten minutes. Chairs had been pulled up, music played lightly, everyone had a beer in hand. Talk was about Unforgiven, obviously. Who had what match. I was sitting on the bed, Matthew had fallen asleep. I was watching him. I noticed Jeff in the corner, his head still bandaged and his eye black. I looked back over at Matt, the ring around his neck had turned into a small bruising, his arms still had small bandages on them. He was laughing now, talking with Adam about something. I looked back at Jeff, he was more or less by himself, beer in hand. He looked very preoccupied.
I had remembered about Jeff's match against Kurt. He had been so calm about it. But that's just how he is. He gets quiet and to himself before matches, especially important ones. And, so much has happened in such little time, I could only imagine how he was feeling. Jeff looked up from his beer and noticed me looking at him. He shot me a half smile and then looked back down. I saw through the act. He looked back up at me and saw I was still looking at him. He got up and walked over, then sat beside me.
"Penny for your thoughts," he said to me.
"And yours"
He laughed a bit, "I guess you could say that"
"Tomorrow have your head turning"
"Somewhat," he answered. "You do too"
"Me"
"Yes, you. Don't act so surprised," he said. I saw him look at my leg. "It's hard not to." He paused. "I know why you did what you did"
"Not now, Jeff, please," I said. I knew where it was going. "Destiny, please. I know you wanted to save the talk for after Sunday, and I can understand why. It's nerve racking enough knowing what's waiting for us tomorrow. But, it won't be any easier knowing that I made you do this to yourself"
"It wasn't just you," I told him. "It's everything, and it's cowardly"
"Either way, Des, I did it. To me, it's just like if it was my hand that cut you. That's what it feels like for me. I've caused you enough pain, Destiny"
"And what about the pain I caused you? There is no comparison"
"You never once made me even think about hurting myself. I never took a knife or anything sharp to my skin. And here you have over me. That's far worse than anything I could think of"
"Worse than having your heart ripped out by the two you love most?" I asked. I paused. "Why are we trying to see who hurt who the most? Don't be so hard on yourself over this, especially now. Tomorrow is a big day for you, and I can't have this cloud your mind. It's why I wanted to wait until after Sunday to get all of this out"
"I won't be able to sleep tonight if I didn't talk to you," Jeff told me. He looked me right in the eyes. "I wish I would have known, known about your problem, and I mean really know about it." "Why?" I asked. "So I would know what to say to you," he answered. "I don't want any special treatment." "I didn't mean it like that," he said. He sighed and paused. "Seems I can't say anything right to you." "Jeff," I said. "Lets not do this." He nodded. "I guess you're right." He looked down at his beer, he had barely touched it. I saw him glance at his brother. "Is everything ok with you and Matt?" I asked.
"Yes, and no. I mean, we're ok now. But, it's hard to explain really," he answered. "Matt and I will always be ok, always. Whatever happens, we will always come out of it ok and together. I love him, trust him, need him. And the same goes for him. Our bond has been tested on several occasions, and has come out strong each time. I mean now, more than ever, it's been tested at it's hardest. And now, more than ever, I've wanted to beat him down. It's funny, really. In one moment I want him dead, and the next second, I need him. I'll always need him." "I have been the biggest test to your relationship," I said.
"Yes, you have," he replied. "And we're ok. Matt and I are going through a different time in our lives right now, and we have been even before what happened. Matt's a father now, and he has a different set of priorities than I do. Our lives have been put on different tracks, and that's hard for me to get used to. I'm the one with the problem, I can't let go of the past. I want it to be Matt and Jeff Hardy, the Hardy Boyz of two years ago. But, I can't have that. Don't get me wrong, I love Matthew, it's just me. I have to live in the now, and stop living in the past." "Why do you think that?" I asked. "I knew the Matt and Jeff of two years ago, and I know them now. And yes, a hell of a lot has changed, mostly because of me. But look at how you've grown." "After Sunday, when I get my head clear, I am going to fix all of this," Jeff told me. "I can't make it Matt and Jeff of two years ago, but I am going to make it a better one." I didn't understand what he meant. He had seemed a bit distant since he told me what he told me. I saw it in his eyes. He seemed detached, he looked detached. I wasn't sure how much of that was because of Sunday, but it was clear on his face. I knew everyone would write it off as Sunday, and part of me did too. But, I couldn't help but to think something else was going on inside his head besides that.
It was a strange pre-party. Everyone was having fun, but no one knew how to act around me. One minute everyone would be laughing and joking, and the next every one was dead silent. It was an uneasy kind of fun. Everyone pretending that they weren't thinking about what had happened, or that it wasn't staring them in the face. It was soon one in the morning, and everyone had left. Stephanie had fallen asleep on the bed. I got under the covers of mine and laid there. Paul came out of the bathroom in a pair of sweatpants and now shirt. His hair was down. He threw his clothes from the day onto a chair and sat down on the bed. He noticed that I was awake. "You won't sleep." He said to me.
"Of course not," I answered.
"Tomorrow, you'll be a star," he said to me. He kissed the top of my head and laid down. I rolled over and looked at my son. He had a stuffed bear his father gave him clutched in his hand. It was Matt's bear when he was a kid. A lot has happened since his birth. A lot of good and a lot of bad. Tomorrow was the turning point of it all. All of that bad that had happened would finally come to an end. Things would be different, for the both of us. I would be taking a new path in my career, a safer path.
"Destiny," he said. "This will work itself out. Just deal with one thing at a time"
I nodded and we out of the car. Paul put his arm around me as we walked inside. In the lobby, waiting impatiently, were Matt and Jeff. When they saw us walk through the doors, they nearly jumped out of their skin. Jeff had a black eye, and had put gauze on the cut on his head. Matt had a red ring around his throat, and little bandages on his arms. They walked over to Paul and I.
"I'll be over there if you need me," Paul told me. He kissed the top of my head and walked off. "We are so sorry," Matt said.
I put my hand up. "I know, and so am I. But, lets get into this after tomorrow," I said. "It's stressing everyone out, and no one's making any sense. After Sunday's over with, we can sit down and really talk about this. For now, lets just accept the apologies"
They nodded. "Destiny, you look weak, go lay down," Matt told me. "I'll be fine," I said. The three of us looked at each other, and then I went back to Paul. I wasn't all that fine. I had been dizzy off and on since I had gotten up to see what was wrong. My leg still hurt pretty bad, I didn't want to give off any indication that I wasn't feeling well. "Everything ok?" Paul asked. "For now," I answered. "I took your advice. Holding off all explanations until after tomorrow"
"I mean with you," he said.
"Oh, yes, well I guess so," I replied. "I mean, I don't feel that great, and then this happens. But I'll be fine, really. Don't worry about me"
"It's my job, I have to look out for you," he said with a smile. "And I don't regret any of it for a second"
We walked back to Paul's room. He told me to wait in there with Stephanie and my son while he got all of my things. I laid on the other bed with Matthew crawling around next to me. Stephanie was on the other bed, sitting there, unsure of anything that was happening. She didn't have any details, nothing.
"So, what have you heard?" I asked.
"Oh, nothing really. Just that you hurt yourself, Matt and Jeff fought, and you were there to yell at them. Then you left with Paul," she answered. "Why would you do that to yourself"
"I don't know, I've done it before, and it's been the way I've dealt with really bad things. I just went too far this time"
"Have you done it since you've been here"
I paused. "Yes," I answered. "I have, since the whole thing happened with me and Jeff. I'm not proud of it"
"Why didn't you come to any of us? We would have helped you"
"I know. This is my defense mechanism. It's easier to deal with physical pain, that goes away. Mental pain, it doesn't. By turning it into a physical pain, I can deal with it, make it go away"
"But, you still hurt," she said. "What happened has still haunted you and caused you pain"
"Yes," I said.
"So, it hasn't gone away," she told me. "You haven't done anything to make it go away"
"No, but at that moment when it hurts the worst, I can deal with it." I paused. "I know this is hard for a lot of people to understand, and I don't want to make you understand"
"But I want to. Paul wants to. We all want to understand why you do this to yourself," she said. She was getting upset.
"And I wish I could make it make sense to you," I replied. "But, I can't. I do this because it has been my way out since I was younger. I had never had anyone I could talk to, until now. And, I know it's been a year and everything, but I am still not fully used to being able to knock on your door and tell you I am hurting. It's just like you having someone there for you your whole life, and then like that, it's taken away"
"Maybe you need some help with this. Help we can't give you," she said.
"I had help, I was in an institution, and that didn't help," I told her. "They told me I was crazy and put me away"
"Then maybe it's us you need," she replied. "Maybe you need someone to love you, and tell you they are here for you. Maybe you need the help of family, this family, the WWE family. You have a family here, Destiny. Me, Paul, Adam, Jay, Chris, Matt, Jeff, we are all here for you. I don't want you to ever think you are alone and have no one"
She got off her bed and came to mine. She wrapped her arms around me and we held each other for a moment. She was right. I had a family here, I wasn't alone. There wasn't any place to hide anymore.
Paul returned with all of mine and Matthew's things. He sat them down in the corner and sat down beside Stephanie and myself. Matthew crawled over to him and he picked him up and held him. Matthew laughed and giggled as Paul tossed him up and caught him again. I smiled back. It was a beautiful sight. Paul couldn't be any happier. He didn't have any children, for obvious reasons. It's hard in this business. Matthew, in a way, was like the child of all of us, us being not only mine and Matt's son, but Jeff's, Chris's, Jay's, Adam's, Paul's, and Stephanie's. "I'm going to order something from room service," Stephanie suggested. "Give me a food list"
"I'm not all that hungry," I said.
"You're eating something," Paul told me. "You need to build up your strength"
He ordered for me, and I couldn't argue it. Paul then set up Matthew's little crib. Matthew was now crawling on the floor and went over to his crib. Matthew stood up and lifted his arms up to Paul. Paul bent down and put Matthew in his crib. Matthew sat in there with some of his toys and began to play.
"Are you going to be ok for tomorrow?" Stephanie asked me.
"Does it matter if I'm not"
"It should," she answered.
"I don't think I have a choice, I won't let myself sit it out. I've put too much into it to back out now." I said. "I just think your health should come first"
I didn't have a choice, I'd have to be dead, or near it in order to get out of this match. I would have crawled off my death bed in order to do it. The day was almost here and I wasn't going to let anything stop me from doing it. I knew that even though most of my friends were scared to death for me, and were a little bit shaky of the idea of the match, but they all knew what it meant to me, because they all have had matches that meant that much. I know Paul, no matter how much he didn't want me to step into that ring, knew that I had to no matter what because he has had many matches like that. The food had arrived. Paul ordered me spaghetti, I guess he figured it was loaded with carbs, and carbs mean energy, even though carbs are taboo right now. I put a little on a separate plate and put it in Matthew's crib for him to eat. Paul kept a close eye on me to make sure I ate.
"And you didn't think to get bread? What am I supposed to dunk in my sauce?" I asked.
"Since when have you been so Italian?" Paul asked me.
"I am Italian"
"Your last name is Diaz, that's not Italian," Paul said. "Duh, my father wasn't," I answered. "My mother was"
"You think you know someone," he joked. The night dragged, as does every night before a pay-per-view. You want the night to end so you can get to that match, and get it over with. It makes your stomach turn sometimes just thinking about it. You can't do anything either. You can't go out, because you don't want to be out late, or hung-over. You can go lift weights in the little gym, but it gets too quiet in there. You're sort of stuck, watching the time pass slowly by. Paul and Stephanie decided to invite the guys over for a pre-pay-per-view party. I had calmed down a lot. This happens sometimes, and not just for pay-per-views, but for random occasions. You just order up room service to bring alcohol and some food. Just a casual drink, of course. Paul reminded me, repeatedly, that I was not drinking. Everyone had come down in about ten minutes. Chairs had been pulled up, music played lightly, everyone had a beer in hand. Talk was about Unforgiven, obviously. Who had what match. I was sitting on the bed, Matthew had fallen asleep. I was watching him. I noticed Jeff in the corner, his head still bandaged and his eye black. I looked back over at Matt, the ring around his neck had turned into a small bruising, his arms still had small bandages on them. He was laughing now, talking with Adam about something. I looked back at Jeff, he was more or less by himself, beer in hand. He looked very preoccupied.
I had remembered about Jeff's match against Kurt. He had been so calm about it. But that's just how he is. He gets quiet and to himself before matches, especially important ones. And, so much has happened in such little time, I could only imagine how he was feeling. Jeff looked up from his beer and noticed me looking at him. He shot me a half smile and then looked back down. I saw through the act. He looked back up at me and saw I was still looking at him. He got up and walked over, then sat beside me.
"Penny for your thoughts," he said to me.
"And yours"
He laughed a bit, "I guess you could say that"
"Tomorrow have your head turning"
"Somewhat," he answered. "You do too"
"Me"
"Yes, you. Don't act so surprised," he said. I saw him look at my leg. "It's hard not to." He paused. "I know why you did what you did"
"Not now, Jeff, please," I said. I knew where it was going. "Destiny, please. I know you wanted to save the talk for after Sunday, and I can understand why. It's nerve racking enough knowing what's waiting for us tomorrow. But, it won't be any easier knowing that I made you do this to yourself"
"It wasn't just you," I told him. "It's everything, and it's cowardly"
"Either way, Des, I did it. To me, it's just like if it was my hand that cut you. That's what it feels like for me. I've caused you enough pain, Destiny"
"And what about the pain I caused you? There is no comparison"
"You never once made me even think about hurting myself. I never took a knife or anything sharp to my skin. And here you have over me. That's far worse than anything I could think of"
"Worse than having your heart ripped out by the two you love most?" I asked. I paused. "Why are we trying to see who hurt who the most? Don't be so hard on yourself over this, especially now. Tomorrow is a big day for you, and I can't have this cloud your mind. It's why I wanted to wait until after Sunday to get all of this out"
"I won't be able to sleep tonight if I didn't talk to you," Jeff told me. He looked me right in the eyes. "I wish I would have known, known about your problem, and I mean really know about it." "Why?" I asked. "So I would know what to say to you," he answered. "I don't want any special treatment." "I didn't mean it like that," he said. He sighed and paused. "Seems I can't say anything right to you." "Jeff," I said. "Lets not do this." He nodded. "I guess you're right." He looked down at his beer, he had barely touched it. I saw him glance at his brother. "Is everything ok with you and Matt?" I asked.
"Yes, and no. I mean, we're ok now. But, it's hard to explain really," he answered. "Matt and I will always be ok, always. Whatever happens, we will always come out of it ok and together. I love him, trust him, need him. And the same goes for him. Our bond has been tested on several occasions, and has come out strong each time. I mean now, more than ever, it's been tested at it's hardest. And now, more than ever, I've wanted to beat him down. It's funny, really. In one moment I want him dead, and the next second, I need him. I'll always need him." "I have been the biggest test to your relationship," I said.
"Yes, you have," he replied. "And we're ok. Matt and I are going through a different time in our lives right now, and we have been even before what happened. Matt's a father now, and he has a different set of priorities than I do. Our lives have been put on different tracks, and that's hard for me to get used to. I'm the one with the problem, I can't let go of the past. I want it to be Matt and Jeff Hardy, the Hardy Boyz of two years ago. But, I can't have that. Don't get me wrong, I love Matthew, it's just me. I have to live in the now, and stop living in the past." "Why do you think that?" I asked. "I knew the Matt and Jeff of two years ago, and I know them now. And yes, a hell of a lot has changed, mostly because of me. But look at how you've grown." "After Sunday, when I get my head clear, I am going to fix all of this," Jeff told me. "I can't make it Matt and Jeff of two years ago, but I am going to make it a better one." I didn't understand what he meant. He had seemed a bit distant since he told me what he told me. I saw it in his eyes. He seemed detached, he looked detached. I wasn't sure how much of that was because of Sunday, but it was clear on his face. I knew everyone would write it off as Sunday, and part of me did too. But, I couldn't help but to think something else was going on inside his head besides that.
It was a strange pre-party. Everyone was having fun, but no one knew how to act around me. One minute everyone would be laughing and joking, and the next every one was dead silent. It was an uneasy kind of fun. Everyone pretending that they weren't thinking about what had happened, or that it wasn't staring them in the face. It was soon one in the morning, and everyone had left. Stephanie had fallen asleep on the bed. I got under the covers of mine and laid there. Paul came out of the bathroom in a pair of sweatpants and now shirt. His hair was down. He threw his clothes from the day onto a chair and sat down on the bed. He noticed that I was awake. "You won't sleep." He said to me.
"Of course not," I answered.
"Tomorrow, you'll be a star," he said to me. He kissed the top of my head and laid down. I rolled over and looked at my son. He had a stuffed bear his father gave him clutched in his hand. It was Matt's bear when he was a kid. A lot has happened since his birth. A lot of good and a lot of bad. Tomorrow was the turning point of it all. All of that bad that had happened would finally come to an end. Things would be different, for the both of us. I would be taking a new path in my career, a safer path.