Chapter Four: Disc Witch

Collagan's Encyclopedia of Magical Creatures: Pictsies

Picties are not fairies and, for your own protection, should never be referred to as such. They are a small race, little more than six inches tall. All pictsies have red hair. Their bodies often look blue but that is because of tattoes of woad over every visible part of their bodies.

Pictsies are a nesting species who will inhabit hollow trees, old burial mounds and abandoned, or soon to be abandoned, farmhouses.

"Ach, Rob, do ye t'ink dis is wise?"

The two picties watched the girl from a safe distance.

"Are ye daft, Daft Wullie . . ."

"Aye, Rob. 'at's why me name is Daft Wullie. I wouldna' be named tha' if I wasn't."

Rob ignored him. "Ye heard wha' the Kelda tol' us. I'll hide an ye watch. If tha' bigjob was righ', ye tell 'er."

"Aye, Rob."

"An' ye do it ye sceamin' wee scunner."

"Aye, Rob," Daft Wullie said with slightly less cheer. He watched as Rob slipped unnoticed into the apron pocket.

"Well, almost unnoticed," Daft Wullie told the Kelda, and everyone else. "An' the wee bigjob hag looked down at Rob, and she were gone."

Life on the Chalk was not always an easy life. It was made hard by being a girl, barely ten years of age. It was made harder by being a witch. And Tiffany was both. When she was even younger, she heard about a woman burned as a witch. That was when she decided to be a witch. To make sure it never happened again.

Tiffany had an advantage. Her grandmother was Granny Aching. And when Granny went anywhere, everyone took notice. Granny was always there when she was needed. For the spring lambs, for the harvest, when someone became ill, and when someone died.

No one was there for Granny when she died.

That was how Granny wanted it.

Granny always got what she wanted.

And so did Tiffany. But Tiffany had a problem. She was only a child. She didn't know what she wanted. She knew the big things, of course. Happiness, Family, Health, Good Friends. But she needed to learn the little things.

Now Tiffany was in the cheese barn. On the farm, that was the thing she did best. She made cheese. And, even though she was young, she was there for the spring lambs.

Tiffany Aching looked down in surprise. A red-haired man, six inches tall, covered in blue tattoos and wearing a kilt, had just jumped into the pocket of her apron. Then she looked up to see another surprise. She was no longer in the barn. She was on a low hill that looked out over a level plain. She could see a river in the distance. And the ten-year-old girl frowned. The flat land seemed to bend.

IT ALWAYS DOES THAT.

"I'm not dead. I know that much. Is this your place?" Tiffany quickly placed a hand over her apron pocket while Death smiled at the young witch. Despite his effort this did not make him appear more friendly.

NO. MY PLACE IS NOT QUITE REAL. THIS IS A DIFFERENT WORLD.

"This is a different disc?"

THIS WORLD IS NOT A DISC. IT IS AN ORB.

Tiffany nodded. "That explains why the world bends. Why don't we fall off?"

BECAUSE WE DON'T.

Tiffany looked Death in the eye, at least in the eye socket.

"I'm taking this rather calmly, don't you think."

A GIFT OF THE GODS. THEY DON'T WANT ANY OF YOU TO BE UPSET.

Tiffany smiled. She didn't become upset because something upset her. She became upset because she chose to be.

SHALL I EXPLAIN THINGS TO YOU? THERE IS TO BE A CONTEST BETWEEN THREE WITCHES FROM THREE WORLDS. THE WINNER WILL BE PERMITTED TO ASK THE GODS THREE QUESTIONS.

"And the losers?"

I WAS NOT TOLD. Death paused, but Tiffany did not ask the obvious question. He answered it anyway. I ASSUME THEY GO HOME.

Tiffany nodded.

"And if I refuse to play?"

THE DISC WILL BE DESTROYED.

"Can I have a moment alone to think about it? In private. With no one listening in."

SHALL I TAKE THE MACFEEGLE WITH ME?

Tiffany frowned. Death would always know who was present. This new world did not affect his abilities. Or hers, she noted. "That's why I want privacy."

MY HORSE IS RESTLESS. I WILL TAKE BINKY FOR A WALK. WHEN YOU ARE DONE TALKING WALK TOWARD THE RIVER. YOU WILL MEET THE OTHER WITCHES ON THE WAY.

Tiffany nodded, and watched as Death mounted Binky and rode away. She took her hand from over her apron pocket, reached in and pulled out the small blue man in a kilt.

"Oh, wallie, wallie, wallie, me wee bigjob hag. Am too late te warn ye,"

"About what, Rob Anybody?"

"A bigjob wizard came ta talk to th' kelda. He was tryin' ta warn ye aboot . . . dis."

Tiffany smiled. "I thank you, Rob, for trying to help me. And when you return, thank the kelda for sending her Big Man with the warning."

Rob smiled in relief.

"Rob, how did you receive a warning?"

"It were a bigjob wizard," Rob said anxiously. "He said ye were ta be taken away and put on a trial. Wi' lawyers."

Tiffany knew about Picties. She knew that they hated to be called fairies. They were incredibly strong and feared nothing. Except lawyers. Fortunately, there was one thing they feared more than lawyers. Witches. And Tiffany, for all her young age, was a witch tried and true. But she also knew that the Nac Mac Feegles did not like wizards. (Too simpleminded.) (This is true. Although, for a MacFeegle, this was a clear case of the pot calling the kettle black.)

"Rob, did he actually say there were lawyers?"

Rob looked embarrassed. "Well . . . No . . . But I t'ought wha' wi' the trial . . ."

Tiffany smiled at the wee man in her hand.

"It is a trial of skills. A contest."

Rob frowned. "But the wizard . . . ?"

Tiffany frowned. "And why did you talk to a wizard?"

Rob frowned some more. "He bribed us." A look of awe took hold of his face. "Twelve bottles o' malt whiskey. T'wer a sight to behold."

Tiffany almost laughed. The MacFeegle Clan would be a sight to behold for the next fortnight with that much whiskey to drink. "Did the wizard say anything else?"

"Yeah," Rob said, almost whispering. "He would na tell us 'is name. 'e wanted it all to be 'low key,' wha' e'er tha' means."

"It means, Rob Anybody MacFeegle, that you are stuck here with me until after the contest." Tiffany looked around. "Wherever here is."

Tiffany set Rob down and let him follow at his own pace, which was usually much faster than hers, and began her walk toward the river. Her guide was nowhere to be seen, which was no surprise. He had a habit of appearing suddenly which is why you rarely saw Death coming.

After a while, the young witch walked over another low hill and saw four people talking. Two girls, older than she, who were obviously the other witches. An old man, who looked like a wizard if a wizard was actually to be taken seriously. The fourth was a boy younger than her who seemed to act much older.

"Excuse me. Has the contest started yet?"

All four turned to face her. The wizard smiled.

"There is plenty of time. Are you the witch?" He glanced at the boy. "Or the other judge?"

"I'm the witch. I guess Death is going to be the other judged."

"Death?" The girl in pigtails looked at Tiffany with fear, but the wizard patted her shoulder.

"Clearly, Mildred, it is to make sure you DON'T die. Who better to choose to guarantee that?"

"I suppose you're right, Mister Merlin. I was taken by surprise. That's all." She walked up to Tiffany and held out her hand. "Hi. I'm Mildred Hubble."

"Tiffany Aching. Are you really a witch?"

Mildred smiled shyly. "A witch in training. I'm only in my second year. That's Hermione Granger. She just finished her fifth year. When did you start learning to be a witch? You're so much younger than we are."

Tiffany frowned. "I've always been a witch. I am fostering with an older witch to learn the finer points, if that's what you mean?"

"The finer points?" Hermione Granger asked as she walked up. "I don't mean to be rude but don't you need to learn how to do magic?"

Tiffany frowned again. "I don't understand. What do I need to know? You don't learn how to do magic. You just do it."

Hermione smiled. "Different worlds. Different ways. Mildred and I both go to school. In her world, anyone can learn to be a witch or wizard. In my world, I was born a witch, and I'm learning the spells."

Tiffany nodded. "I understand this world is an orb. Is your world?"

Hermione arched an eyebrow. "Yes. What else would it be?"

Odin interrupted. "Hermione, you and Mildred might be interested to know that Tiffany's world is a disc."

"A disc world? How . . . I don't even know what question to ask."

Tiffany actually laughed at the looks the other two witches gave her. "Different worlds. Different ways. My world sits on the back of four great elephants who in turn stand on the back of the giant Tortoise A'Tuin which swims through space."

Hermione looked amused while Mildred was wide-eyed.

"A giant Tortoise?" Mildred asked. Tiffany nodded. Mildred looked at Merlin who also nodded. She looked down at Odin who nodded as well. "I would love to see it."

"Make that two of us," Hermione added.

"It might be possible," a new voice spoke, as though loudly and from a distance. Everyone turned toward the new voice. Clouds shaped themselves on the horizon into the forms of people. The manifestation of the gods. "I am Zeus," the voice said, now an immense ghostly figure in the sky. "I welcome you to this contest. May the best witch win."

"And I am Jove," a second, and identical, figure said. "We are the chairmen of the council and we have orchestrated this contest for the amusement of all. I hope that the three of you enjoy it as well." He raised a ghostly hand. "And before any of you ask, do not worry. You can be returned to your own worlds at the very moment you left. No one needs to know that you ever went anywhere."

"And now for the first test," Zeus said. He waved his arm and three wooden tables appeared, each with a wooden bucket. "This is a simple test. More to show each of you how the other uses magic than anything else. All you have to do is fill your bucket with water from the stream." He wagged a finger. "And not by physical means."

AM I LATE?

Mildred jumped when she suddenly noticed the skeletal figure beside her.

I'M SORRY I STARTLED YOU, Death whispered.

"You're just in time," Odin said.

"Death, if I may ask," Merlin asked. "I was told that Morpheus, the King of Slumberland, had agreed to judge?"

"I can answer that," Odin replied. "When asked, what he actually said was, 'in your dreams'. The gods assumed this was a yes until it was explained to them."

Merlin saw Mildred frown at Odin's smirk. "My dear girl, the gods are very good at the big things. It always seems to be the small details that trip them up."

Merlin glanced down at Odin. "Present company excepted."

This time, Mildred smirked and Odin frowned.

"The contest," Zeus and Jove reminded them.

"If you like, I'll go first," Hermione offered. She stood by the bucket and pulled out her wand. "Accio Aqua." A spout of water shot up from the pool. A sufficient amount of water separated from the spout and landed in the bucket. Not a drop was spilled or splashed. Hermione was very proud of herself when she heard the applause. Then she heard Mildred's awed remark and felt embarrassed for some reason.

"That was amazing." Nervously, Mildred then asked, "Is it my turn?" She approached her bucket and bit her lip, trying to remember the proper chant. "Actus turnus, zipilong zanibar, Avitus markus, Aqua tubbar."

Then Mildred winced. That last word wasn't even a real chant word. She put it in because it rhymed and seemed to fit. Her wincing was appropriate because at that moment the bucket flew off the table and landed in the middle of the stream with great force. It was filled only by the fact that it was now wedged in the rocks at the bottom of the stream.

Hermione felt the need to say something when she saw the girl's reaction to what she had done. "Mildred, don't fret," she said as she put a comforting arm on her shoulder. "You DID fill the bucket."

Tiffany Aching watched the other two with trepidation. The gods were now looking at her and she had no idea of what to do. She stepped toward the bucket trying to think when she saw Rob beneath her table, grinning. He already anticipated what his 'wee bigjob hag' would do.

Tiffany smiled and looked up. The wizard, Merlin, even said that the gods were not good at the small things. Maybe they wouldn't notice one small man, if that man was very fast.

"Bucket, fill yourself."

The bucket seemed to jump off the table and all the way into the stream. It plunged under the water and came back up, then skimmed across the surface of the grass, stopping to rest at Tiffany's feet. No one noticed the blue blur or thought anything of it.

#$&(

A/N: I wanted to specifically thank all of my reviewers so far. Ouatic-7 (I agree with your review of chapter one), Raziel Tepes, HLB, sophiedb (I apologize for not spending more time talking about the turtle), and GhostDraconi.

I've never attempted a multiple crossover before and I will admit that this won't be my best work ever. I hope everyone likes it, but please don't hesitate to point out the parts that don't seem to work. Thanks for reading and reviewing. I'm off to breakfast.