A/N: My thanks to Suteben and to Ouatic-7 for correcting my spelling. Half is now have, as it should have been. Ouatic-7 also reminded me that URLs do not post, so I noted that the Joe 90 site is You need to add the www on your own. I apologize for the errors. I was hanging out with Daft Wullie too much.

Chapter Nine: The Cave

"We still have some time before the others show up." Harry directed Tiffany toward the path that led behind the waterfall. "Would you like to take a look?"

"And if there are snakes?"

Harry smirked. "I'll ask them to let us pass."

Tiffany arched an eyebrow. "Will they listen?"

"They'll listen. I'm a parselmouth. I can talk to snakes. The question is whether or not they'll say yes."

As the two slowly approached the waterfall, they noticed ripples in the water. Snakes were swimming up to them although the banks of the river were too steep for them to climb out. Harry heard a hiss and pointed to the shadows ahead.

"There's a snake there. It just warned me to go back." His voice changed as he talked to the snake. "We are on a quest. There is something in the cave that we need."

"I am the first guard. You may not pass."

"We only want to ask. What is it that you guard?"

"I am the first guard. You may not pass."

"It's no use," Harry told Tiffany. "It keeps saying we can't pass. It won't even acknowledge me."

Tiffany looked up at Harry. "That would ruin the fun. Debating with the snake. Why don't you use your magic and make all the snakes freeze?"

Harry pointed up. Tiffany looked to see snakes in the trees above them. "But snakes can't climb trees. I read that in a book."

Harry nodded. "They're already in the trees. They don't need to climb. If I'm right, the instant any one snake is attacked, they'll all attack us. I'd even wager those snakes in the river can jump out and get us."

"Then we back up," Tiffany said with authority.

"Can't you perform any magic? Hermione said you were supposed to be a powerful witch in your world."

"I could cast a spell," Tiffany admitted, "that would get us safely past the snakes and back out again. But there's only one problem."

Harry's wry grin matched hers. "Let me guess. You haven't learned that spell yet."

"I'll do it," Rob said.

Harry stared. "Tiffany, there is a small blue man with red hair hiding in your hair."

"Rob," Tiffany said with irritation. "You were supposed to be quiet."

"Ach, yeah I was, but the's a ba'tle ta be fough'. Ye'll back me, won' ye, ye bigjob wizard."

"Are you . . ." Harry began to ask.

"They're call pictsies," Tiffany told him. "They are definitely not fairies."

"Definitely," Harry agreed, catching her tone. "Um, why don't we get out from under the trees first and we'll talk about it."

Despite Rob's eagerness, the three backed away from the snakes. Once they were clear, Tiffany asked Rob to get off of her.

"We attack now?" Rob asked hopefully. "I'll call the others."

"Not yet," Tiffany assured him. It was her hope that the rest of the Nac Mac Feegle Clan had consumed enough whiskey that they could not do anything, much less interfere. It was now her fear that they had consumed enough whiskey that they would do anything, especially interfere.

"Good. Tha rest'll 'ave time to get here, then."

Harry hesitated. "Tiffany, he does mean the rest of us. Doesn't he?"

"Um, sure," Tiffany said with a hint of sarcasm. "Harry, I'm going to investigate the cave. Keep a watch on my body."

Harry nodded in surprise. This ten-year-old girl had a lot of tricks up her sleeve. The little man, who disappeared very quickly he noticed. Hermione had told him about the magic cat. And now the girl was going to investigate the cave, but she wasn't taking her body. Then Tiffany said, "see me," and her body became very still, as though she were in a trance.

Tiffany turned around to look at her body. It seemed almost normal. But she noticed that she was dirty. She would have to take care of that when she had the chance. But she doubted she would have the chance. She looked at Harry and smiled. She had obviously made an impression on him, which made her happy. He had already impressed her. Being able to fly a broom so skillfully. Being able to talk to snakes. His self-assuredness, particularly that he would freely admit that he could not do something. As she turned around and began to walk toward the cave she realized she was feeling jealous of Hermione Granger. She took another look back at Harry, then continued toward the cave.

The first thing Tiffany noticed was that the path was clear. Snakes seemed to cover either side of the trail but there were none on the trail itself. The same was true as she entered the cave. She could see inside clearly because sconces set in the wall at regular intervals had all been lit. The snakes, however, ignored her. After all, she wasn't really there. Without effort, she walked to the back of the cave and looked at the prize. Satisfied, she said, "see me not."

Tiffany blinked her eyes and looked at Harry. "I saw the treasure we're supposed to get. It's a statue of a snake."

"It fits. Your friend, Joe, said it was all from a movie. Do you know what movies are?"

"I can guess from what you said. Moving pictures that tell a story. I don't really understand what it's like, but I do understand the point. What do you think we should do?"

Harry smiled. This girl was smart. She knew from his tone that he had a plan. He also knew that the plan would not impress her.

"We wait for Joe to arrive then ask him how the problem was solved in the movie."

Tiffany snorted. "You mean, go for the obvious."

"It should also tell us how the snakes will react. They will attack, but there may be a style to their attack. We should know that before we do anything."

Harry's voice lowered as he said the last line. All too recently he had rushed in before making sure. The results were not what he had wanted.

Merlin Langspear held Hermione's wand with appreciation. They had talked about how magic was different in their two worlds. For Hermione, you had to be born with magic. For Merlin, anyone could learn magic, but the more active an imagination you had, the better you tended to be at learning the more difficult spells. Merlin waved the wand the way Hermione had shown him.

"Geode Leviosa."

The rock he was pointing at began to float. Merlin glanced at Hermione and gave her a big grin. "You were right, Hermione. I can feel the magic and it's different from my own. We can use each other's form of magic in this world."

Hermione laughed. "Merlin, you were the one who suggested the idea. All I suggested is that we test it. You deserve the credit."

Merlin blushed at the praise. He handed back the wand and took his staff. "We should hurry and tell the others. This is something that could be useful."

The two nodded to each other and began the last leg of their journey.

"That's odd," Joe McClaine said as they came around the bend of the river.

"What is?" Mildred Hubble asked.

"Up ahead. We can just see the waterfall." Joe saw Mildred's confusion. "Remember what I told you about the movie. This is exactly like the scene I was describing."

"And why is that odd? They probably read our minds or something. They are gods."

"But I wasn't here when they decided this. If what you told me was correct, they didn't even know I would be coming, or even that I came instead of that boy, Roland."

Mildred understood. "They borrowed the idea for this task from a movie in your world. And then you happened to show up." Mildred felt Joe's sense of foreboding. It was one thing to believe something was going on. It was another thing to be given proof.

"We should hurry and tell the others," Mildred said firmly. "It could be important."

Joe McClaine listened as Hermione and Merlin made their revelation. He smiled as Tiffany took Harry's wand and used it to make a rock levitate. His smile took a wry twist when Hermione handed her wand to him.

"But I can't do magic."

"In your world, Joe. But this world seems to have different rules. You may be able to."

"You'd best take your glasses off, first," Harry recommended. "There's something about magic that . . ." he paused as he understood but finished his sentence anyway, ". . . screws up the workings of muggle devices."

Hermione frowned. "Harry's right. Joe, are your glasses still working."

Joe nodded. "I still have Roland's thoughts in my head." Then he understood as well. "Wait while I change shims. My father would understand why the glasses still work."

Joe took off the glasses, blinking a couple of times. Roland's memories became like a faint dream. He removed the pair of shims from the storage compartment labeled Ian McClaine and inserted them into the glasses. He put the glasses on and blinked. Then he smiled.

"It's obvious," Joe said with a slight smirk. "If magic causes problems with muggle devices, it's most likely because the use of magic results in electromagnetic pulse disruption. The SMALL RAT has an EMP-D built into it, as do the glasses. It's a damper to reduce any sudden electromagnetic surge. Microprocessor technology permits . . ."

"Please stop," Tiffany Aching said. "I can't understand a thing you are saying except that your glasses work because something keeps them from not working."

"Yes. It's the inclusion of the . . ." Joe stopped and smiled apologetically. "Sorry. Dad talks like that all the time."

Merlin grinned at Mildred, then said loudly. "Does anyone, besides Hermione, understand what Joe said?"

After the laughter, Mildred asked Joe. "What other memories do you have?"

"They're brain patterns," Joe corrected. "I also have a demolitions expert, a teacher of Pre-Columbian history of America, a cat burglar, an astronaut, several other specialist in scientific research, a concert pianist, and the boy Roland. I also have two pairs of blank shims as well as the brain pattern of my father's assistant from a parallel universe."

"Nothing on herpetology?"

Joe shook his head. "The closest I have is a marine biologist. But that won't be of much help. On the other hand, this waterfall is exactly as it appears in the movie I saw."

Harry and Tiffany smiled. "Then you know what will happen when the snakes attack."

"They'll only attack when you take the jeweled skull that lies in the cave. Indiana Jones watched them attack the Nazi scientist when he tried to grab it. This part was cool. The scientist picked up the skull and began walking away when the snakes attacked. The instant he dropped the skull, the snakes stopped. Of course he was obviously dead at that point. Indiana Jones got the skull by lassoing it and dragging it out of the cave by the end of a rope."

"That's easy enough to do," Hermione said.

"No, it isn't, Hermione," Harry answered. "Tiffany looked in the cave. It's not a skull. It's a statue of a snake." He cut off Hermione's question by turning to Joe. "Did Indiana Jones have a huge snake hiss at him when he came close to the cave?"

Joe frowned. "There weren't any snakes outside of the cave."

Tiffany pointed to the trees, then into the river. "We have snakes everywhere. I think they'll attack if we get too close. I guess the gods didn't keep to the plot of your movie."

Tiffany and Harry both turned when they heard a voice in Mildred's direction. "Let's attack them firs'. Tha'll show 'em."

"But Daft Wullie," Mildred exclaimed. "There's so many of them. And you're . . ."

"Eager fer a fight," Daft Wullie said. "An if there's so many, I'll call me brothers."

"Daft Wullie," Rob Anybody suddenly yelled from behind Tiffany Aching. "The wee bigjob hag said no' yet. An' we listen to the wee bigjob hag. No' the medium bigjob hag."

"Mildred," Daft Wullie called back, "an' I'm her frien'."

"Ya canno' be frien's wi' a hag, Daft Wullie."

"Ye'r frien's with the wee bigjob hag."

"Aye, but I'm the Big Man."

Tiffany grumbled. "I thought I told you before. I don't like being called a hag."

"Wailie, Wailie, Wailie," Daft Wullie cried. "An' I wen' an insulted two hags. Ohhh. An' I dun it again."

"I'm not insulted," Mildred said. "I think it's kind of cute."

"Ye do?" Daft Wullie asked in surprise. He puffed his chest out. "I kno'. I'll get the statue fer ye. Fer bein' me frien'."

Daft Wullie jumped off of Mildred's shoulder before anyone could stop him and ran down the path. He reached the point where the path curved to go behind the waterfall when the snakes attacked. A large snake, bigger than Mildred, jumped at him with amazing speed and swallowed the pictsie whole. The serpent seemed to smile with success, but the smile seemed to change to a frown of indigestion. Then a look of fury cane over the snake as everyone watched. The snake was trying vainly to keep its mouth shut but it was forced open from the inside. Suddenly, the mouth opened to its full length revealing Daft Wullie, legs perched on the edge of its jaw with his two hands each grasping a fang.

Daft Wullie flipped himself out of the mouth and onto the snake's head and gave it a swift kick. He jumped up while the snake was dazed, and came down on the snake's head with the full force of his own head. A cracking sound was heard, and the snake collapsed. At this point, every snake began to attack the small man. Snakes dropped from the trees, jumped out of the river, crawled out of the cave.

"Quick, lads," Rob Anybody shouted out. "Don' let 'im have all the fun."

More than two hundred redheaded men appeared out of the surrounding grass and gave out a shout. "There can only be One T'ousand." Then they attacked. Snakes were kicked or headbutted. The more fun-loving MacFeegles would each grab a snake by the tail and use them in a pictsie version of a pillow fight. After a few minutes, the smarter snakes tried to flee but to no avail. The only ones to escape where the ones that were thrown away. Assuming they survived. The average pictsie could throw the average snake from half to three-quarters of a mile. As it was, these pictsies had recently drained the contents of six bottles of whiskey and were feeling a bit more than average. Some of the snakes landed as far as a mile away. The only ones that moved after they landed were the ones that bounced.

Merlin looked at Mildred. "Millie, is he really a friend of yours?"

"I met him on the way here. I guess he's a native of this world. Tiffany, I see you made friends with one, too."

"Yes, we did," Harry said quickly. "We met ours when we landed." He paused. "Did they just shout 'you can take our lives but not our trousers'?"

A statue of a snake came flying out of the cave, stopping at Mildred's feet. Daft Wullie peeked out from under it to see if Mildred was happy. Behind him, on the trail, other pictsies were trying to find any other snakes to attack but without success.

"THIS CONTEST IS OVER," a booming voice said from the sky. Zeus and Jove looked down grimly as the judged appeared. Odin looked at the gods and nodded, then turned to face the small crowd.

"So there is a native population on this world," Odin said tonelessly. "The gods," he nodded his head toward the sky, "would like an explanation. They made this world without any intelligent creatures."

I CAN EXPLAIN, Death said. THESE ARE NAC MAC FEEGLES. THEY HAVE THE ABILITY TO TRAVEL BETWEEN PLANES. IT IS A SKILL THEY DEVELOPED WHEN THEY WORKED FOR THE QUEEN OF FAIRY. THEY LIVE ON THE DISC WORLD AND PROBABLY NOTICED THE SUDDEN DEPARTURE OF A WITCH FROM THERE. THEY ARE VERY CURIOUS CREATURES.

Odin nodded. "And their intelligence?"

IS OVERRATED.

"Tha's an insult," a MacFeegle called out.

Death looked him in the eye.

"An' a good one," the MacFeegle said quickly as he backed away.

Nac Mac Feegles are afraid of no one, but they are smart enough not to attack Death. He might throw them out of his kingdom and back to the land of the living. (MacFeegles have the strange philosophy that they have already died and this world, with so many things to fight, and steal, must be paradise.)

(It should also be noted that MacFeegles will steal anything that is not nailed down, and if it is nailed down they will steal the nails as well. But they do have a moral code. They will not steal from a man who has nothing. After all, what would be the point.)

Mildred suddenly found herself back by the stream with Tiffany and Hermione. A voice from above said, "The next task will be done without interference." She looked down and saw the three judges standing there.

Merlin Ambrosius spoke. "My dears, the gods are upset about the fact that the three of you did not compete in the last contest, but acted together. They have decided to ignore the last test and have set up a more dangerous task for each of you. This task is simple to explain. Each of you will face an enemy that another of you has recently defeated or helped to defeat." He frowned as he concluded, "I wish all of you good luck."