How to Write an HP Badfic: A Guide to Doing Everything Wrong
Ahead of time, this is a parody. Before those people try to jump down my throat: flames will be ignored. Constructive criticism is fine, but any of the "OMFG u suck!1one!" sort will be deleted. Aside from that, I'm open to suggestions!
Disclaimer: This idea belongs to Rabbit of Iron. It's a spinoff of her wonderful "How to Write an LOTR Mary Sue". I bow to her superior abilities. To those who are curious, it's at www dot fanfiction dot net / 1114751 / 1 / . Sorry, it won't show up if I just paste it in. The HP universe, of course, belongs to J.K. Rowling, not me. Sues belong to Suethors and they can have the things, as far as I'm concerned. So, basically, I own only plot. No suing please! Finally, thanks to the person who pointed out that the url wasn't showing up (and the typo. It's fixed now, and you were right), to gundamkiwi for being my beta and to Dippy Cheeser for the name suggestions.
Instructions: similar to a Mad-Lib. When it says (insert character), then insert a suitable character. The first time it will appear as a bunch of suggested names like so: (Harry/Ron/Snape/George/Fred/Other male character). After that it'll be (insert character #whatever), EXCEPT in the case of the Obligatory Sue. I'm calling her Aubergina because Dippy Cheeser's suggestion was too awesome to give up.
Chapter 1 – Of Cheesy Beginnings, Too Much Focus on Clothes and Bad Angst
It was mid-morning at Platform Nine and Three Quarters. (Aubergina/Sapphire/Gwennyfar/Annelise/Victoria/Other obscure, frilly name/Some combination of obscure, frilly names/Nickname drawn from an obscure, frilly name to prove how tomboyish she is/Standard Suename) stood on the Platform, looking out into the dawning of her destiny. Okay, so it wasn't dawn, but it was the start of a new chapter in her life.
Aubergina was so happy that she was able to go to Hogwarts. Her life had, until this point, been one misfortune after another. Her father had died (while trying to get to the hospital to watch her birth/while buying her some ice cream/while playing ball with her/other), and her mother, (Bertha/Belinda/Hattie/Other odd, unpleasant name) blamed her for it. It wasn't Aubergina's fault that (he'd been driving at 150 kilometers per hour in a fifty zone/crossed the street without looking/a drunk driver came along/other). It wasn't Aubergina's fault (the huge trailer truck carrying a large load of steel bars had chosen that moment to lose its load, impaling her poor father to his seat and ruining the steering and brakes/a fast moving car came along and hit him/the drunk driver swerved, making him jump out of the way and accidentally falling on his head/other). Finally, it wasn't Aubergina's fault that (the car had then crashed into a brick building, bursting into flames and burning her comatose father to death/another car then came along, breaking his skull and killing him/his neck broke and he was dead before the paramedics arrived/other). No, it wasn't her fault he died. It couldn't have been her fault – she (hadn't even been born yet/had only been a small child!) That didn't stop (insert mother's name here) from blaming her for it, though.
Aubergina heaved a sad sigh, pouting prettily with her naturally cherry-red lips. A strand of (black/blonde/red/brown/urple/other) hair fell into her face. She brushed it away with a (pale/creamy/olive/exotic and dark/yellow/other) skinned hand. At the thought of her poor, deceased father, her large (blue/green/blue-green/ grey/brown/wilver/black/other) eyes began to overflow with tears. Her perfect face wasn't marred at all by the tears that she always cried whenever she thought of her late father, however. She couldn't even get angry at her mother. Aubergina understood why (insert mother's name) hated her, and so she couldn't be angry. Nobody who understood people as well as Aubergina did could ever be angry with someone. She wiped her (small/dainty/regular/attractive/cute/little) nose with a Kleenex and dabbed her tears away.
Aubergina was just lucky her mother had allowed her to come. (insert mother's name) hated the child she'd brought into the world, and made the poor, unfortunate soul as unhappy as possible. However, (insert mother's name) also hated having Aubergina around and supporting her. When her Hogwarts letter had arrived, it had taken a while for (insert mother's name) to decide what to do – make Aubergina happy for once in her life, or be stuck with the girl for the next few years? (insert mother's name) had eventually come to the decision that Aubergina would go.
The only good thing that Aubergina's mother ever did for her was buy her (the best clothes that money could buy/a wardrobe of the latest, most expensive fashions). Aubergina couldn't even indulge in liking the popular fashions because her mother ruined it for her. "Make yourself presentable," (mother's name) would snap. "I have an image to maintain." Of course, Aubergina would. Right now, she was wearing (cute/stylish/attractive/nice/pretty) (pink/urple/blue/white/yellow/orange/puke green/other), lacy tank-top that showed off a lot of her ample chest and cut off above her belly button to show her minute waist. Her hipster jeans were pale and in the latest cut and style. The only part of the outfit that Aubergina felt was "her" was the sk8er shoes.
Aubergina (had been attending Hogwarts for 3 years./had gone to school in America but transferred to Hogwarts this year./had her powers discovered late and would be put in with those her age despite having no schooling in magic up to that point. During the summer, she'd made up what she was behind in with a speed that would have left even Hermione Grainger gasping.) She was now in her fourth year, and would easily be the prettiest girl at Hogwarts this year. According to the boys, her long (shimmery/shiny/healthy/gorgeous/perfect) (insert colour) hair was her best feature, followed by her (large/mysterious/sad/huge/perfect/other) (insert colour) eyes and (large/gigantic/immense/brobdingnagian/humongous) chest. Her considerable physical attributes aside, she was also the smartest girl in the school. Hermione Grainger turned green with jealousy every time Aubergina came near. This was unfortunate, since they were both in the same house and Aubergina would likely become a Prefect next year. A Prefect couldn't afford to have someone hate her the way Hermione did. It wasn't Aubergina's fault she was so smart and pretty and perfect Prefect-material! She'd give it all up if she could just get someone to accept her for who she was.
The train finally arrived, and Aubergina got on. She passed (Draco/Harry/Ron/George/Fred/other) on her way to look for an empty compartment so she could ride alone. She looked into his (blue/green/other) eyes and was lost the sea of (insert colour) for a moment. He blinked, and gaped at her. She noticed suddenly that (he'd grown up a great deal since last year/he seemed wise beyond his years). He was also (incredibly/extremely/amazingly/outstandingly/other) (good looking/hot/beautiful/pretty/sexy) (insert lust-object) opened his mouth to say something, but Aubergina was already running away, down the hall, and trying not to cry again.