How to Write an HP Badfic – Chapter Two

Disclaimers and thank yous: HP belongs to J.K. Rowling, not me. The idea of a Badfic/Suefic guide belongs to Rabbit of Iron (whose wonderful fic "How to write an LOTR MarySue" is at the adress on the first chapter), not me. I own only plot. The Sue belongs to the various Suethor's out there, and they can have her. Thanks to gundamkiwi for name suggestions and all the people who suggested things to do/names.

Instructions: Mad-lib format. Options will be like this: (option 1/option 2…). If the thing is an option for a name/thing/colour, it will be referred to as (insert name/thing/colour) after the first choice part, except in the case of the Sue and the Suefriend (my term for the Mary Sue friend of a Mary Sue OFC). I'm calling the Sue Aubergina (thanks to Dippy Cheeser for the name). I'm going to be calling the Suefriend Gwennyfar. Fake A/Ns, so you know, will be in italics. I won't have any real A/Ns in the storyline.

Once again, flames will be ignored, but suggestions and constructive criticism will be gratefully accepted. On with the show!

Chapter 2 – Of Moping Over True Loves™, Suefriends, and Obnoxious Author's Notes

Aubergina ran down the aisle, leaving (insert lust object) blinking in confusion behind her. She found an empty compartment, got into it, and shut the door behind her just as she lost her fight to keep from crying. Sobbing (sadly/wretchedly/hopelessly/piteously), she (sat/fell/lay down/threw herself down) on the bench. Why was it that she had found her One True Love™ in one day, only to find that he was unattainable?

Because (insert lust object) was so much better than her, he might as well be in a different solar system (A/N: Ok, I know that doesn't make any sense, but it fits, alright? I'm sure you all get the picture XD). He was (Harry Potter/Harry Potter's friend/very rich/very popular/too good for her/other)! (Insert lust object) would never go for a girl like her. She might as well give it up ahead of time.

Aubergina ('s thoughts continued in this way for several hours/continued moping for several hours). When the food trolley came around, she bought a lot of sweets and ate them all as comfort food. Aubergina knew she could get away with this without having to worry about weight gain or acne the way most girls her age would. Her fast metabolism and perfect complexion would take care of her.

Still weeping (sadly/wretchedly/pathetically/forlornly/piteously), she began to get her robes out so she would be ready to change into them when the time came. After all, she might be a Gryffindor Prefect next year, so she had to impress the teachers with her neat/scholarly/intelligent/perfect appearance.

A sound at the door drew her attention. A Ravenclaw that Aubergina didn't recognize poked her head in. Aubergina grabbed a Kleenex and immediately began wiping the tears off her face. The Ravenclaw looked concerned.

"Hello," said the Ravenclaw girl uncertainly. "I'm (Gwennyfar/Marylou/Chamomile/Shiitake/Tierrainney/other). Are you alright?"

"Yes," Augergina (sniffed/sobbed/cried/wailed). "I'm fine."

"Can I sit here?" Gwennyfar asked. The (pale/creamy skinned/olive complexioned/dark/exotic), (beautiful/gorgeous/ethereal/heavenly), (slender/thin/skinny/perfectly proportioned), (buxom/well endowed/large-chested) (blonde/brunette/redhead/other) girl with (black/green/blue-green/blue/brown/other) eyes opened the door a bit and gave a (friendly/pretty/perfect) smile. Her features weren't as perfect as Aubergina's (her nose was a hair too big), and her figure wasn't as curvy (her breasts were a little smaller, and her waist was a little larger), but she was the closest to Aubergina's physical peer that Aubergina had ever seen. Her smile lifted Aubergina's mood a little "If I won't be disturbing you, that is."

Aubergina flashed her own (radiant/shiny/white/perfect/godlike) smile in response. "Of course!" she (enthused/gushed/exclaimed/erupted). She gestured to a seat with a (dainty/small/delicate) (hand/foot/finger/leg/other). "Have a seat."

Gwennyfar sat. "What's the matter? Forgive me, but you don't look like you're 'fine'."

(Almost against her will/Easily/Surprisingly), Aubergina found herself telling Gwennyfar about the whole (wretched/tragic/sad/stupid/moronic/other) (situation/mess/B.S.). "…And I know he won't ever like a girl like me because, let's face it, (insert lust object)'s got loads of better girls to pick from!" Aubergina finished (sadly/pathetically/mournfully).

"Aubergina, I know I've only known you for the fifteen minutes you've been telling your story, but any boy who doesn't (like you/love you at first sight/accept you for who you are) is a moron. You're smart, you're pretty, and you're popular. Who wouldn't like you?" Gwennyfar (comforted/reassured) her.

Aubergina heaved a (sad/tragic/lonely) sigh and pouted (sadly/prettily/daintily/beautifully) with her (Cupid's bow/moist/perfect/full) lips. "(Insert lust object) wouldn't."

"If he doesn't," the beautiful Gwennyfar said, "then he's a moron. But how do you know? Have you asked him?"

Aubergina looked at Gwennyfar with something akin to (horror/fear/shock). "I couldn't do that! Would you do that with the boy you like!"

Gwennyfar (flushed/blushed/turned a pretty shade of pink). "Well, no," she admitted (bashfully/sheepishly/embarrassedly). "Oh, look! It's time to get changed. I hate the Hogwarts robes, don't you? I mean, I'm far too (pale/dark/other) for black, and there's only so many ways you can do your makeup to look good with them."

Aubergina shook her head. "I like them," she said. "They're far better (than the clothes Mother makes me wear/than preppy clothes/than Muggle clothes). And I like black. It (looks good on my skin/suits the pain of my soul/is a tradition), and besides (they're comfortable/they're, like, goth/they're a part of the magical world)."

"I can't say I agree with you," Gwennyfar said. "But let's just agree to disagree, shall we?" Aubergina nodded in response.

The two new friends got dressed (quickly/with almost supernatural speed). When they were done, Aubergina turned to Gwennyfar and asked, "Why did you come here, anyway?"

"Oh, that. Well, I was (looking for the bathroom/trying to meet some of my friends/just wandering around) and I heard you crying. I (thought I could help/wanted to see if anything was wrong)."

"Oh," Aubergina said. "I'm glad you did. Come in, that is. You're (like the sister I wish I had/the best friend I've ever had)."

"Me, too. You're (like my brother come back from the dead to take care of me only you're a girl/like my twin would be, if she weren't bedridden with a mysterious illness/my best friend, too)!"

The girls spent the remainder of the trip telling each other about themselves. Gwennyfar, it turned out, had a pet (ferret/spider/iguana/bat/guinea pig/goldfish/leech) named Aria. She carried the (insert animal) around in her pocket. She'd gotten special permission from the Headmaster to keep her pet, even though most students were only allowed to keep a cat or a toad or an owl as a pet. The fourth year had grown up in France, but went to Hogwarts instead of Beauxbatons. She (refused to explain why/only knew that her mother had insisted). Gwennyfar's happy childhood had been destroyed when (her brother was killed by Death Eaters/her twin got an incurable disease and became permanently bedridden/her pet dog had been drowned by her uncle because he was old) when she was eight. She had vowed (to get revenge/to learn how to cure her twin/to never let an animal die again, which was why she became a vegan).

Before they knew it, the train had come to a stop and it was time to get off. A new year at Hogwarts was about to begin.