Title: The Price of Cowardice
Summary: The last moments of Siege pt 2 from Rodney's point of view, then continues on to what happened after.
Notes: Thanks so much to Porthos for the beta, she was such a great help!
"You let Sheppard fly that jumper?" The words rush out of my mouth as I finally realize she hadn't stopped him. Why hadn't she stopped him? If he would have just given me a few more minutes to… Oh, who am I kidding? I had tried and I just couldn't make it work, there wasn't enough power. If I had a few more hours maybe; but we don't have a few more hours do we.
I watch as Elizabeth turns and just looks at me, not bothering to answer my question. She has pain and worry in her eyes, but also resolve. I don't envy her position, having to send a friend to his death.
I look over at Carson, still in shock. It just can't sink in that Sheppard is gone, that he is going to die. I'm sure Carson's face mirrors my own, and I can't help but replay over and over in my mind his leap out of the chair and the "so long Rodney" he gave. Well, Sheppard wasn't one for long dramatic goodbyes I guess. Still, something a little more heartfelt than "so long" wouldn't have been so difficult.
My thoughts are broken by Elizabeth's sad but strong voice, "Help me arm the self destruct in case this fails." As I enter in my sequence into the computer, my arm brushes hers, and I feel her lean in slightly to the contact. It feels nice; she's surely just doing it as an unconscious need for comfort, and who could blame her at a time like this. If I were a braver man, I'd take her in my arms and hold her; tell her how everything will be all right and that I will protect her. But I'm a coward, so I don't do anything except finish with the computer and then step back.
I look over at Carson and see that he is transfixed on the monitor. He really should be in the infirmary; we have enough casualties, but I understand his being here. He has to know what's going to happen, because if Sheppard fails, then it won't matter who he's treating anyways. Carson looks over to Elizabeth and I see fear in his eyes; at first I think he's afraid for Sheppard, and then I realize what he's really afraid of – if Sheppard succeeds, somebody has to fly the second jumper. That somebody would have to have the gene, and be able to pilot the ship. Elizabeth had already ordered Jumper 2 prepped. I thought quickly of the pilots we still had alive and uninjured and I could count them on my hand. I think about the civilians who could fly the jumpers and I don't even bother to count them. I know what Carson is thinking, because it's the same thing that I'm thinking, that if Sheppard succeedes in his suicide attack on the hive ship that Elizabeth might have to order him (or me) to fly the second jumper.
As I hear Sheppard's voice coming over the radio, "I'm going in." I look at Elizabeth's beautiful but pained face and can tell she's already thinking ahead to that decision.
I don't wait and try to reason it out, I just head for the stairs to the bay. All I know is that I'm not going to force her to make that horrifying decision as to who has to die. I'm not going to let her destroy herself over that order. Before I make it three steps though, I hear Elizabeth call out my name. "Rodney!" I've never heard her say my name like that before, and I have never heard her sound so terrified and panicked. I stop, but can't turn around for fear that if I do, I'll lose my nerve and back down. If I was braver, I'd face her, I'd look into her eyes and make her understand why I have to do this, that this was my redeeming action for failing her today. But again I am the coward and I don't turn. I start up the stairs again and try to act casual. "That ship isn't going to fly by itself!" I made sure of that fact, now didn't I.
I make it all the way to the bay door before I hear her running behind me. I had hoped that she would just let me go the way she had let Sheppard go, but my day hadn't exactly gone the way I had hoped, so I'm not that surprised she followed.
"Somebody has to, Elizabeth." I answer her unasked question as I turn and see her face, streaming with tears. I hadn't expected that, and I momentarily forget my cowardice as I reach out to wipe away a tear, cupping her face with my hand and running my thumb up against her cheek. She grabs my hand with her own and presses her face into it. I'm both shocked and elated by her response, but before I can act she pulls away.
"Rodney, you can't go. I need you here on Atlantis, I order you to stay!" She all but yells, her voice is so heated.
"Who else is going to do it?" I say, my resolve starting to waver, the coward fully returned. I see her face though; I see her going over in her mind who she can send to die so I can live. I curse myself for being so stupid as to ask and before she can commit to a name I jump in. "Look, I'm the only one who can go; you don't have a lot of options here. Carson is needed here to tend the injured, Tempski can barely get the jumper out of the bay, and all the flyboys are out there doing their thing. It would take too long to call one back in and have him switch jumpers. I'm the only one left who can do the job without screwing it up and who is expendable."
"No, Rodney, you aren't expendable!" Her tears start flowing again, and it grips my heart to see her look so broken.
"Lizabeth, I'm only good to you if Atlantis is intact, and if I don't get in that jumper and destroy that second hive ship then it won't be." I don't have all day to try and make her understand why I should go, so as I get ready to turn and walk through the doors, I take one last look at her face. She's looking down, confused and I think maybe resigned. Yes, she knows I have to go, and she won't stop me now. As she looks up, I get ready to say goodbye. Only, before I get a chance, she steps up close to my body, pulls my head down to her and kisses me. My body responds before my brain can fully comprehend what is happening and I take her in my arms, oblivious to the world around us, just focusing on her.
The world must not like being oblivious though. My little moment of pure happiness is invaded by a large explosion way too close for comfort that makes me pull away from her. "Why'd you do that?" I ask. Was it pity? An attempt to get me to stay? Did she mean it?
She shrugs, her face sill sad, but a small smile rests on her lips. "I had just wanted to do that, and it had never seemed appropriate before."
She had wanted to kiss me? I find myself elated and pissed off at the same time, and don't really know how to handle it. "You thought now was an appropriate time! Why couldn't you have done it earlier when I would have had time to enjoy it! When we could have done something more –"
I'm interrupted by a voice on the intercom calling Elizabeth. I notice that in her haste to catch up with me she had left her earpiece in the control room. "I'm here." I hear her say, her voice back to sounding professional.
"Dr. Weir, Jumper One did it! It destroyed the hive ship!"
I'm both ecstatic and dejected at the news of my friend's victory and death; dual emotions seem to be a new theme for me. "Well, it looks like I'm not getting out of this." I try to insert a little humor to lighten the mood, a little ode to the start of what turned out to be the best experience of my life, but Elizabeth doesn't seem to think it's very funny.
Another explosion, this one so close it rocks the floor, and I know it's time to go. My bravery seems to have returned to me. Knowing that it will work, and knowing that I can save Elizabeth gives me strength and resolve for what I have to do. I want to take her in my arms again, but I'm afraid that if I do I might never leave her. I've already wasted too much time; I should have been in the air before Sheppard got to the hive ship. She doesn't try to stop me, when I turn and walk into the bay; she just stands there at the door and watches. I know, because I can't help but turn to catch just one more glimpse of her, one more glimpse of what I could have had if I had just not been such a coward.