Title: If Only

Author: Lisa

Rated:K+

Category: Story/Drama/Romance

Summary: Harm ponders where "if only" would lead him, and goes after Mac.

Disclaimer: The characters belong to Don Bellisario & co. I am just borrowing them for entertainment purposes. No infringement intended.

Spoilers: mainly season 9.

Author's Notes: Thanks to all for their constructive feedback. This is a stand-alone piece and not connected to any of my other stories.

Feedback is welcome.

IF ONLY

4 April 2004

Harm's Apartment

2330 EST

I can't sleep. It's that recurring dream I've been having. The one where Mac and I are married and then Farrow comes back, and she's going to marry him once she's free of me. Believe me, it was a definite wake-up call.

So I wonder, if only. If only I'd say and do the right thing for a change. If only I'd tell her what's on my mind before it's too late. I'm not going to make any more mistakes.

You know, I heard a song on the radio the other day, and one line has been stuck in my head ever since "Will I ever see you again?" Somehow, it got me thinking about Mac.

I dial the familiar number and wait for a litany of unkind words to flow from her lips.

"Can't sleep?" she asks.

"No, I can't, Sarah. I was thinking. . ."

". . .about if only, Flyboy?"

"Yeah, how'd you know?"

"Because I've been thinking about the same thing for a while now. And I had this dream. . .and I'm tired of us standing in our way, Harm."

"If only I could do and say the right thing at the right time. But sometimes, things just come out before I really think about it. By the time it's said, it's too late to take it back."

"I stopped thinking about the if only's and what if's not long ago. I think those stand in our way too, you know."

"I hope tomorrow we aren't going to regret this late night talk," I say with a chuckle.

"Oh no way, mister. This is serious talk time."

"Then answer me this: if you've been thinking the same thing, why didn't you call me?"

"I figured you were asleep."

"Yeah right. You just figured I wouldn't want to talk about this now."

"So what now?" she asks and I smile to myself.

"Avoiding the issues, are we, Counselor?"

"C'mon, Harm. This is serious remember? We're talking about futures here."

"And a baby deal?" I ask with slight caution.

"I thought that was probably a never the way things had been going lately."

"You just think I forgot, but that five year mark isn't far off. . ."

"Can we go back to 'what now' and figure out the rest when we aren't sleep deprived?"

"Yeah, you're lucky I know your number, I could be confessing my deepest thoughts to some stranger and be engaged by the end of it."

"Not funny," she says, but then starts laughing.

"I won't let you go, I'll do this right, Sarah. I've messed up in so many ways – I don't want to take another eight years to get this right."

"And I don't want to wait another minute. By the way, Sailor, I do believe in Fate, despite what you've been told."

"Oh really?"

"You better believe it."

"I love you, Sarah, and there won't be any more 'if only's' just the next step."

"I'm ready. Are you?"

"Yes I am."

"I love you, Harm. G'night."

"Good night, Sarah."

THE END