How can I explain? What words can I use? This gnawing feeling inside that often turns my attention back to you. But how could I tell you? You still can't see what I see. And I don't want you to.

It's not black, in the darkness. Nor is it white, in the light. I'm stuck somewhere in gray. Maybe it was in-between all along.

The blood is finally fading, but the pain is fresh.

I've held the pieces in my hand for a long time now. They've cut so deep they can't go any further, and it's been so long the bleeding finally stopped. But I can't drop them yet.

How can I explain? My world is falling apart. A secret I've held in for so long, and a truth I don't want to acknowledge. Can I be saved? What am I afraid of? Save me from myself. There's a bloodstain on the window, and the hand is clearly mine. I can't stop falling apart. Will you pick up the pieces?

And the World Falls Apart

By: Blade-kun

First Time: Bloody Pieces

Can you see the Cracks?

Beep. Beep.

Faded blue eyes eased open. The first thing they were aware of was pain. The second thing was the white walls and familiar hospital machinery. A groan escaped chapped lips as a hand reached up to run through unruly bangs before resting over the eyes. The lips twisted into a bitter smile.

"This is a nightmare…"

Beep. Beep.

"I don't know. It feels more like I woke up from a long dream."

Heero didn't even raise his arm.

"I don't suppose you'll leave if I ask?" Weak, raw, but steady.

Duo frowned slightly from where he leaned in the doorway before standing and moving next to Heero, leaning over him.

"No."

"Hn."

Duo leaned a little further, braid falling over his shoulder.

"Heero," he said, "You can't keep running. It really has felt like a long, strange dream since you left. Seeing you again brought me out of it."

"So glad to know I can put you to sleep when I'm not around."

Duo's frown deepened almost into a scowl. "Heero--"

"Don't patronize me, Duo!" Heero snarled, refusing to lift his arm, "You wouldn't understand! You couldn't possibly understand!" he paused to take a breath, "You'll get your fucking answers soon enough! Now get out!"

Duo recoiled somewhat in surprise. He hadn't been expecting that. Never in all the time he'd known him had he ever once seen Heero lose his temper like that.

"I believe I said get out, Duo, or do I need to define what it means!"

Duo took a deep breath and steeled himself. "Heero…I can't leave. I won't."

Heero bristled, but knew there was more.

"Three years ago Heero, you did something that scared the shit out of all of us. You scared us bad, Heero. And when it was all over, you were even emptier than before. Even emptier then you had been when I first met you. And then you left. You were gone just like that. We always wondered, Heero. We always looked for you out of the corners of our eyes."

Heero snorted in disdain. "You were chasing shadows. You denied. You followed lies," he spat them like curses, "You're all idiots."

"You gave us nothing, Heero!"

"That was the point!" Finally he lifted his arm and glared fiercely at Duo. "I didn't want you to have anything! And because you were all so stupid, you wasted your seconds, your thoughts, and your glances on some stupid, fucking little fantasy that I would return to you, that I would always linger nearby! I left, Duo! What about that didn't you understand!"

Duo almost couldn't reply. Heero tossed his arm back over his eyes.

"Chasing some fucking dream," he muttered, "Get out, Duo."

Duo's eyes were pained as he stared down at his ex-comrade.

'Are you broken, Heero?'

What he did next was unexpected, but Heero refused to show any signs of surprise when Duo grabbed the hand over his face and entwined their fingers.

"Heero…I don't know what's going on…And right now, you scare me, man…I'm downright terrified of you, and of what happened to you…but even so…I'm your friend…" he paused, "I know you're hurt…somehow, you're hurt really bad…even if I'm not like Quatre, I can tell."

Heero didn't say anything.

"We need to know, Heero. All we want is to know."

He squeezed Heero's hand slightly before letting go, brushing the bangs with his fingers as he drew he hand away.

"I'll be back," he said.

Heero didn't reply. Duo sighed and shuffled to the door, glancing at Heero once more before leaving. Heero listened until he could no longer hear the footsteps, and let out a low, anguished chuckle.

"So fucked up."

"How is he?"

Duo leaned against the door as it closed with a soft click, running a shaky hand through his bangs as he let out an equally shaky breath.

"Honestly, Quatre…I'm amazed I'm not dead right now," he said, closing his eyes, "He was pissed. At first he wouldn't look at me. He had his arm over his face. But when I finally saw his eyes…Gods, man, I wanted to bolt from the room. I'm damn petrified of him, Quatre."

Quatre just nodded, eyes sad. "We all are."

"I don't get what happened to him. I never understood. One day he was just Heero, the plain old, mission obsessed moody Heero we all knew, and the next…he just suddenly went whack. Like he couldn't stand to be alive. Like everything little thing, was too much to handle, and he couldn't even stand the air or noise or anything."

"I don't know, Duo. I told you how blank he felt when it happened. I couldn't sense anything in him. Nothing at all."

"Don't sweat it, Q. It's not your fault."

Wufei scowled from where he sat on the couch. "I grow tired of this," he said, "I'm sick of not knowing what happened, or understand why Yuy is more a shell than we've ever known him."

"He scares us all," Trowa added, "I haven't felt this wary of him since I first heard him laugh on the battlefield."

They all shuddered. They remembered that one all too well.

"He'll probably spill the beans about why we found him like that when we're all present," Duo said, "At least, that's the impression I got. He's not up to telling it individually."

"Should we go now?" Wufei asked.

Duo's eyes bulged. "Hell no, man! If you want to be scared out of your wits, then be my guest! But I ain't going near that room again for at least another hour or two."

Quatre frowned. "Why?"

Duo turned to him, looking grim.

"You didn't see his eyes."

They didn't argue any further.

Heero heard the door open but stubbornly kept his eyes staring at the ceiling as the other pilots filled into the room. He wasn't angry anymore. He just didn't want to face them.

There was a long moment of silence. Surely they weren't expecting him to go first. If they were, they were going to be disappointed.

"Heero," Quatre finally said, "What were doing at that base?"

"Looking for answers."

"Answers to what?"

"Questions."

Duo frowned. So Heero was going to be vague. "Quit being difficult, Heero."

"I'm not."

Duo was not up to arguing with him.

Quatre sighed. "How did you get hurt?"

Heero gave a mild shrug. "I got caught."

"Heero, please."

Heero looked over at Quatre's pleading eyes and sighed. It was time to stop beating around the bush. Grunting, he sat up, waving off Quatre's help, and leaned back.

"Ask your questions."

Quatre nodded. "Let's start over. What happened to you three years ago?"

Heero sighed, already tired of this. "I saw the truth. I saw the truth of something that made everything clear. I couldn't handle it."

"The truth to what?"

Heero glanced at him. "That I can't tell you."

"Why not?" Duo interjected.

Heero turned to him. "Because you can't handle it."

The note of finality erased arguments.

"Okay…why did…you do what you did? What drove you to do…that?"

Flashbacks of a rainy day, open door, blood everywhere, covered in blood, horrified looks, utter shock, fear.

"I told you," Heero repeated, "I couldn't handle it."

Duo cringed. How he wished he could erase that nightmarish day from his mind. Thousands of killed, they'd said. Thousands killed that day. And a bloody Heero on Quatre's steps. Did Heero feel any remorse at all?

"How could you do it?" Quatre said, eyes pained.

Another callous shrug. "It made me feel better."

He said it in such a casual way Duo suddenly felt sick.

"It made you feel better!" he snarled, jumping out of his chair, "For God's sake, Heero! You killed hundreds of people that day!"

"You don't believe in God."

Trowa stopped Duo from lunging at the wounded pilot, the braided boy howling in anger.

"Thousands, Heero! You killed indiscriminately! Men, women, children, young, old! It didn't even matter to you! They all died for no reason! For NO reason! That day made history as one of the bloodiest, unprovoked massacres ever committed! And you're just gonna sit there and not care at all! What the FUCK is wrong with you!"

All the fear, anger, sorrow, and bitterness Duo had felt for it came pouring out. He wanted to cry, he wanted Heero to say it wasn't true, it was all a mistake, he hadn't really done something so horrible. He wanted him to deny it, tell him it never happened, it was a lie, just a horrible dream.

"You were chasing shadows. You denied. You followed lies."

"Chasing some fucking dream."

And he froze. He was doing exactly what Heero said. Heero was right. He was chasing a lie.

Heero answered.

"I did what I was made to do."

Duo shattered.

Letting out a feeble, frustrated growl he went limp in Trowa's grasp, no longer struggling. Trowa released him and he sank back into his chair, burying his face in his hands.

Why?

He didn't realize he said it aloud till Heero spoke again.

"I don't know."

Quatre finally found his voice again.

"Why did you leave?"

"To spare you."

Confused looks. "Spare us?"

"From what I knew. From the truth."

Before Quatre could question him further, Trowa spoke.

"You said you were at that base looking for answers. I'm assuming they're connected to this 'truth' you mentioned. How were you wounded? Surely you could have overcome whatever came at you."

Heero thought on it. "I don't know. Somehow, I just couldn't think. My mind left my body and they overwhelmed me. In a way, I suppose I let them. I couldn't think straight enough to stop them. Then I snapped back. I killed them. I ran." He suddenly looked far away, eyes glazed. "I couldn't go on. It was raining. I was bleeding. I figured why not die? It was over. I was tired."

"Heero?"

He came back to the present and glanced around at each of them. "You should've let me sleep."

"You can't believe we would have left you there to die," Quatre argued.

"Who said die? I said sleep."

Frowns. "I don't understand."

"No…" quietly, "you don't…"

Heero moved to lay down again, tossing an arm over his eyes.

"Leave."

"We won't do that, Heero."

He didn't argue. "Then be quiet."

They were. He slept.

"We still don't know anything," Wufei said, "We don't know anything more than we did before."

"No," Quatre said, "We don't. I'm even more confused. What 'truth'? What does he mean?"

"He's being an ass."

They turned to Duo, who was leaning back over his chair also covering his eyes.

"He knows something. He found out something awful. Something we would hate and regret knowing as soon as we heard it. He hates. He doesn't feel. He's completely empty now. He'll never tell us." Duo clenched his jaw. "All those people…and he doesn't care…he's not human anymore."

"Duo…"

Duo sat up and hung his head, leaning on his lap. "I give up on him, Quatre. I don't know what to believe anymore. I give up."

Torn paper. Broken windows. Ruined furniture. Tears. Pain. A twisted smile.

"You can't see."

The blood dripped to the floor.

"Can't you see the spider web on my mirror?"

It's completely silent. The guilt isn't there.

"You've still got blood in your eyes. No! Don't wipe it away."

A picture painted in blood. That all consuming red.

"You shouldn't see."

It shatters everything. The pieces lie on the floor, scattered. The smile twists. The tears don't stop.

"I don't want you to see."

A laugh. Sick, hollow, ringing. It's a terrible sound.

"The truth is mine. I like the pain."

The ground is stained. The words can't be seen anymore. The voice can't be heard.

"You can't look at the real me."

Can you see the blood on the window? It's a reminder of the hand that reached.

"If you do…"

The rain is falling, but the blood's still there. It will never go away.

"I'll kill you."

And time stops.

"I'll kill you."

END PART TWO

Now you must think I'm really sick in the head. Chapter 3's coming. Don't hold your breath. It's just getting worse.

PREVIEW: Broken Mirror

Don't open your eyes. It's better if you keep them closed. This is a sick reality I exist in. You shouldn't see it. Lies, lies, lies, lies, lies. It's not real. Don't try to save me. Give up. Walk away. Turn back. I will kill you.