Part Three

John started down the back steps through the kitchen only to stop short at the sight of Natalie. She had her crimson hair pulled back into a ponytail and she had changed into a pair of pale blue pajama pants with tiny clouds and a sky blue tank. It was so normal, so perfectly real, that he fought to swallow the lump the rose in his throat. So close yet so far. Natalie stood with her back towards him, reaching up and pulling down two white bone china plates.

"Taking out the fancy china I see." John mused as he stepped into the kitchen.

Natalie turned, startled, nearly dropping the plates but John moved quickly and caught her hand. They stood there, connected, unseen fireworks popping, in a moment that seemed endless before Natalie finally pulled back. "You scared me."

"Who did you think I was? The big bad wolf?" John asked.

Natalie shrugged, uncomfortable as she sat the plates on the kitchen table and went to the drawer for silverware. His eyes followed her, soaking in her curves, memorizing her movement, and when he caught her eye it as felt as though he had devoured her soul. A big bad wolf- it wasn't that far of a stretch. "Just a little jumpy, I guess."

She went to pass John when he blocked her way, his fingers grazing her wrist. His cerulean eyes burning into hers. "What's going on here?"

She wanted to rage at him, what wasn't going on here? She wanted to ask what he was doing here, why he kept wedging himself back in her life. Natalie wanted to scream, to kick- to do anything but stand there so close to him she could feel her whole body melting. She should tell him to leave, should hurt him the way it hurt her every time they were in the same room. But there was a possibility that this time he might listen, that he might go, and though it was torture to be so close to him- but to not have him in her life at all... Unimaginable.

So she went with a simpler truth. "It's nothing. I've just been a little on edge since what happened at the diner, and then with Jen." She shook her head, brushing past him. "It's just a lot to take in, that's all."

John stopped in front of Natalie again. Something had changed, something was off, there wasn't that comfort bubble they had been operating under a bit ago, the water wasn't smooth. It was raw, fraying and grating against him, against them. "Natalie..." John pressed, asking for something, something deeper, something shallower. Just something to pull them from their current situation.

"It's nothing, John."

It was his shot. He could call her out or let it go, deeper, shallower- safe, dangerous. John opened his mouth to speak, to force her to open to him, but the words would not come. What right had he to ask that of her? To demand unerring openness when he himself was tucked behind his own wall?

Natalie took his silence in and forced a smile. Play along, don the mask and cover your face, act the part and maybe it would actually happen- maybe one day they would be friends, just friends. Then it wouldn't burn, then she wouldn't hurt, play along. "So I was thinking hot dogs..." She went to the fridge and pulled out a package and then to the pantry and pulled down the buns. "We can cook them in the microwave. There is a grill outside but it's sorta fancy and there is a good chance I would burn off my eyebrows."

Microwaved hot dogs, not exactly John's idea of a good meal but there was a level of repose about it. Nothing fancy, not like the meals Evangeline ordered in, not house on the hill stuff, just food. "Sounds good."

Natalie smiled and popped two hot dogs onto a plate and into the microwave. "Glad you said that." She grinned, pulling out a saucepan and setting it on the stove. "Because I have a surprise for you."

"Please tell me you aren't gonna try and cook." John grimaced playfully.

"I can cook!" Natalie protested as John raised an eyebrow, sending her a look that saw right through her, shaking the truth from her branches. "Okay, I can't but I can at least heat things."

"And what are we heating?" We- where did that come from? There was no we, John reminded himself, no us. She would break; he would shatter her if he let he into his world. It was too dark for someone like her.

Natalie opened the sub zero rummaging around in the freezer before pulling out a white container. "Ta Da!" She said placing the white plastic pint in front of John.

John picked up the container with a smile, reading the label aloud. "Big G's Chili?" Big G had the best Chili hotdogs in the whole of Atlantic City. G short for Garry, a big muscular man with no neck and a low voice, ran it out a small dive right by the pier. He used to spend Thursday afternoons with the guys there. And suddenly he was slammed back in another life, another world, nostalgia thick. "How did you get it?"

Natalie smiled to herself, pleased. "I called in a favor."

A moment ago John had been a world away, in a city with twinkling lights and that held hope on a string to the gullible, and Natalie's voice didn't snap him out. She fit there, he painted her into the image in his mind eye and she belonged. It was only when he looked at the bone white china sitting on the table he remembered, she was better than that life, she was someone. "Gotta love those family connections." John smiled back at her, as Natalie grabbed a spoon and dumped the frozen chili into the saucepan.

"My connections?" Natalie countered. "I worked there one summer."

John raised an eyebrow. Big G was known to bark ordered and be less than agreeable, having one of the highest turnover rates in the city. He tried to picture Natalie surviving an hour with the loud vexatious man. "You worked for Big Garry?"

"Yes." Natalie replied, feigning offense. "Why is that so hard to believe?"

"I don't know. Just kinda hard to picture." John twirled one of the butter knives between his fingers. And there she was again, a lost little girl he had never even noticed. "Are you sure we are talking about the same Big G?"

"On 2nd, right by Lou's barbershop." Natalie stirred the chili, watching as the tiny ice crystals melted from the surface, trying not to feel his eyes on her skin.

John came up behind her, leaning over her shoulder, watching as she worked. "So what was it like? Working for Big G?" He wanted details, exact times and dates, things he could compare with and hold up, showing the world he had not been one of them. He had not been among the dim that ignored her pain.

Natalie shrugged, keeping her eyes on the chili, trying not to notice the way her skin hummed from his closeness. "Okay. I guess."

"Okay, you guess?"

"I mean it was just a job." Natalie turned her head slightly, unknowingly bringing her face close to his. She sucked in a quiet breath; his eyes intense and unwavering- eyes that always made her feel so exposed, so vulnerable beneath their gaze and yet so protected. Struggling to find her voice under such scrutiny, she finally stammered out, "What's the big deal?"

"Nothing." John admitted as he pulled back from her body slightly. Nothing she said would bring him the piece of mind he craved. He wanted to prove to himself that he was the hero, the white knight- that he wasn't the one making her bleed. Keep her at arms length, it's for her own good. For a moment he wondered what the hell here was doing there, why he was indulging in a midnight snack with a woman as dangerous as Natalie Vega was, why he was so close to her when all he would bring her was pain. But as he caught sight of the delicate skin of her neck he forgot to question. He just let it wash over him, this feeling of belonging. "You're just full of surprises, Vega."

"Am I?" Natalie questioned, contented.

"Yeah. I mean look, you live in this- this mansion and yet you're making Big G's chili dogs."

"Something wrong with that?" Natalie asked with a frown.

"No, no, not at all. It's just unexpected that's all."

"I think it's done." She said, stalling. There was this fear, a voice that sat nagging in the back of her head, that she didn't belong in this world, in either world anymore. She wasn't the house on the hill girl; she wasn't raised with the silver spoon. She was from the wrong side of the tracks in Atlantic City, all brass and color. And now, somehow, neither world quiet fit.

"Natalie..." John placed his large hand over hers, stopping her as she assembled their snack. His fingers were callused, rough, and she could imagine crescents from triggers and pens gripped too tightly etched into his flesh. Something realer than she had known. Her own fingers were once hardened, never like his but with a worldliness of there own. Now with her manicured fingernails she felt fake, as though she was wearing a costume that didn't fit. And she thought of how real his hand was- how real John's fingers felt and she couldn't help but feel that she was a coward, ashamed of her upbringing, playing dress up in someone else's clothes.

She pulled her hand away, tucking it behind her back as she faced him, an action of a guilty child. His eyes implored hers. "Natalie, did I do something?"

"No, no." Natalie insisted. She didn't want to do this, didn't want to be naked and needy before him, to spill her secrets like seed. But something about him made her speak, made her open like the flower to the sun. "It's me. It's always me." She sighed, returning to her work, something to busy her hands, something to keep her eyes from his before she melted completely.

John stood helplessly. God, how he wanted her, wanted to save her, wanted to bury all of his darkness inside her light. He didn't know how she did it. She should have been jaded, broken, and uncaring, but she wasn't. She loved with a barer heart than any he had known, with only a thin veneer of fake hardness to protect her. He wasn't as brave as her, didn't have to courage to risk the pain. He had locked his heart away, kept it behind a wall of pain. And she was dangerous, worming her way through his wall, making him care, making him ache. "Natalie..."

"John." She warned him. They couldn't do this again, this song and dance. The steps made her dizzy, made her needy, made her heart hurt.

He wanted to push, to press, to crawl inside her soul. But he couldn't. She was barred from him, a temptation, place your bets. And he wouldn't gamble on her; the cost was too high. So he sighed and moved away, no room at the table for those not willing to play.

"Done." Said Natalie, forcing a smile, forcing back the what ifs and maybes. She knew her part and was determined to play it, friends, only friends. She held out the two chili-dogs.

John took the plates from her hand. "They look great."

"Thanks." Natalie moved to the fridge and pulled out two beers.

"Can't. On duty." John reminded her.

"I won't say a word." Natalie promised. John took the bottle from her outstretched hand and wondered if she did it on purpose, that playful smile- if she did it just to break his heart. "Hey. I have an even better idea."

John swallowed a mouth full of chili-dog. "Better than Big G's chili-dogs?" He asked, disbelieving.

"That good, huh?" Natalie smiled softly.

"God, yes."

"I'm glad. I have another container in the freezer I was gonna give to Michael."

John sat down his food, jealousy painted on his features. "How come my big my brother gets one?"

"Because your big mouth brother happened to have mentioned it was his favorite." Natalie replied.

"When did you and Mikey get so chummy?"

"Right around the same time I made a fool of myself by saying that I knew you loved me and kissing you." Natalie regretted having mentioned it but the words flew out of her mouth before she could think and the hung in the air, painfully fracturing their comfort bubble. There was nothing to do now but continue on. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have brought it up."

"Natalie..."

"No, John, really." Natalie said in a rush. "It was my fault. I should have assumed I know what you were thinking. You're with Evangeline. I get that. And you seem happy. I'm not gonna mess that up for you."

Happy? John tried to think the last time he was truly happy, but no memory surfaced just a blur of red hair and sapphire eyes. He watched as Natalie fiddled with the label on her beer, wanting to set her straight but knowing that it was better this way. It kept her safe and that's what mattered. He took a swig of his beer. "So what was this great idea?"

Natalie lit up again. He loved that about her, how she could light up just like a switch. "Oh I was thinking we could take this into the library and watch a movie."

John shook his head. "Weren't you going to bed soon?"

"I will in a little while." Natalie answered.

"Gotta tell you I'm not that into kid movies."

Natalie rolled her eyes. "We have other DVD's. Like... ummm... Jess has Titanic." John made a gagging noise. "I guess not. Or ya know Kevin left Speed here."

"Speed?" Natalie nodded as John picked his plate, standing. "Then what are we sitting here for?"

And Natalie fought back a laugh as he pulled her into the other room.

TBC