Part Four

'Relationships that start under intense circumstances, they never last.'

John grabbed the remote and flicked off the TV with a sigh. Intense circumstances, maybe that's why things couldn't work out. Those invisible threads that still tied them to heartache, pain and loss-Cristian for her and Caitlin for him. Because too much of Natalie was wrapped up in her memory, in her loss, because he could never picture Natalie in his bed without seeing her strapped full of explosives. And he couldn't do that again. It would kill him.

John reached behind him and flicked on a small lamp, bathing the once dark room in warm soft light. Natalie was sitting on the floor, her head resting against his knee, eyes closed, and for a moment he waited for her to announce once again that she wasn't asleep. But she made no move to do so.

They had started the movie out by awkwardly selecting seats, till finally Natalie grabbed the floor in front of the couch, maintaining a just friend's air. They had consumed their chilidogs, making random comments about the movie and who was the worst actor in the bunch. And when Natalie had insisted that John was a ringer for Kenau, they shared a five-minute popcorn fight which left the room in ciaos and John on top of Natalie, tickling her into surrender. After a moment that felt like eternity while John wrestled with his demons, his temptation to kiss her till she was breathless, he finally rolled off of her and they spent the rest of the night in their original seats in comfortable silence.

It was right after the bus exploded that John had felt a weight on his leg and looked down to see Natalie's head resting against his knee. "Don't fall asleep on me." He had warned and she had promised she wouldn't but it was clear now that she was unable to keep that vow.

John gazed down at her slumbering form, her pink lips pulled into a soft smile and he thought of letting her just rest, just be happy in whatever dreamland she had entered. But a glance at his watch revealed that Marco would be taking over his post in a little more than an hour. So with a heavy sigh he nudged her red head, her hair falling across his dark slacks. "Come on sleepy head."

"Mmm. " Natalie murmured contentedly as her eyelids fluttered open and she looked up at John's face.

John felt himself falling, her eyes so very blue and he was taken back to another time, another place. A field trip that his mother had handed him an extra seven dollars for, a boat trip but it had stormed all night long and he had sat up afraid the trip would be cancelled. His mother had told him it would clear and the storm always made the water so much bluer, and she had been right. That's what Natalie's eyes reminded him of, the ocean after a strong storm, dark but calm.

"Hey you." He whispered.

"Hey." She answered back, her voice still low with sleep. Titling her head back on John's leg, she smiled drowsily up at him and John felt a tightening in his chest as he idly wondered if she did that every morning. That if things had been different he could be the one waking each morning on the receiving end of such a smile that it put the sun to shame.

"Come on." He gestured with a nodded tilt of his head. "Lets get you to bed."

Natalie sat up, arching her back and stretching. "What time is it?"

"Time for all good girls to be in bed." John replied standing and reaching out a hand.

Natalie took his outstretched hand, pulling herself to her feet. "Then it's a good thing I'm not a 'good girl', huh?" She teased playfully.

"Yeah, yeah." John shook his head. "To bed."

Natalie rolled her eyes at his instance. "Do I look like I'm in need of a parental figure?"

"You look like someone so tired they couldn't even stay awake to see the end of the movie."

Natalie sighed; he had her there. She had just felt so relaxed, so comfortable with John. For once in her life she felt safe. She had meant to just rest her eyes... "So did they live happily ever after?"

"Something along those lines."

"Or until the sequel?" Natalie grinned.

"Or until the sequel." John conceded.

"Lucky." Natalie commented, then turned to survey the room with a groan. "God, I sure know how to make a mess of things." John caught her eye. "Not that you needed to be told that." She bent down, picking up popcorn off the floor.

"Natalie..." John hesitated. It wasn't the room- he knew that. But how to tell her that it wasn't that she messed things up as much as she added color to a dreary gray world? How to explain to her that before she came barreling into his life he didn't have a reason beyond work to wake up every morning? There was no way. No way to tell her without her knowing, and she couldn't know, because he didn't deserve her. It didn't matter if he loved her- nothing had changed. He was still with Evangeline.

"Its okay, John." Natalie shrugged, not facing him for fear she would reveal herself. "Hey why don't you lie back, get some rest while I straighten things up?"

"On duty." He reminded her.

Natalie turned and smiled tenderly at that. "I won't say a word."

John chuckled low in his throat, and the sound trailed after her, filling her with warmth. Another brief moment of happiness to tuck away, to take out and turn over in her mind when the nights were long and cold. "I thought I was taking you to bed." John commented, coming up behind her.

Natalie turned with a start, nearly colliding into him, her breath lodged in her throat for a moment before she spoke, her tone low and seductive. "To bed, huh?"

John's hands had shot out when Natalie had stumbled into him, wrapping themselves around her arms, catching her. Now he stood, struggling not to pull her to him as he watched he bubble gum tongue dart out and moisten her lips. He could feel his own lips trembling slightly, his thundering heartbeat deafening to his own ears. So easy, it would be so easy to just pull her towards him and take her, to bury all trace of his darkness in her sunshine smiles.

But he didn't.

He couldn't. He owed her more than that. And he loved her too much to use her to satisfy his craving. She meant more than a quick night. He loved her, and he knew she knew it. If he was stronger he would have had her, would have had her and then broken her heart in the morning light. But a voice in the back of John's mind knew that once he had her he would never be able to leave her. And she deserved more- she deserved better. She deserved a good man, not a lying excuse that let a dead man sit in a cell.

So with every ounce of strength he possessed he pushed her from her. Natalie stood, shaken eyes large with injury. Wordlessly she turned, going back to work. John's hands hung by his side, balled into useless fists, nails cutting into his flesh to keep him from going to her, from begging for her forgiveness and taking her in his arms and never letting go. "I'm sorry..."

"Don't sweat it." Natalie picked up the dishes, stacking them, feigning nonchalant.

"Natalie, you know I care but-"

Natalie looked up at him and he stopped, her sapphire eyes pulling the tides of his soul. "But not enough. It's okay, John." She shrugged. "It's not the first time."

He knew she meant it to be comforting but it wasn't. Life shouldn't have been so brutal to one so loving. It wasn't fair.

"And maybe it's better this way." Natalie continued as she cleaned, keeping her hands busy and her eyes away from his. Noble was a new color to her, and she wanted him to be happy. She wouldn't let him see how she was drowning. She would be strong. "I mean if we were to have... and then something were to happen..." She knew she was being vague. "I just mean- I wouldn't want to lose you. As a friend." She quickly amended.

Lose him? John thought. Wondering how he would make it through the day without her in his life. But he couldn't say that, she was trying too hard to do that to her, to confuse her like that. "You're never gonna lose me, Natalie." Natalie glanced up at him, eyes locking. "I'm always gonna be your friend."

Natalie smiled, a bit forced but something genuine behind her eyes. She was never gonna lose him. "So, friend?"

"Yeah." John answered back, returning her smile despite the ache.

"Gonna help me clean? Or are you just gonna stand there?"

"Me?" John asked incredulously. "Well, me, I was thinking about doing this-" And grabbing a hand full of popcorn from the floor flung it at Natalie who screamed and giggled, ducking into the kitchen.

John scurried after her. "Oh you are so gonna pay for that." Natalie promised, her hands tucked behind her back.

John moved cautiously closer. "I am, am I?" He took another step, daring her. "What are you gonna do?"

"This!" Natalie pulled the water sprayer from behind her back, hosing John with water.

John lunged and Natalie dropped her weapon, ducking under his arms and moving to the other side of the table, laughing. John shook his head, dripping wet. "You think this is funny, do you?"

Natalie tried to stifle a giggle. "No."

"Mmm-hmm?" John asked, taking a step to the right. Natalie countered stepped to the left. John stepped to the left and Natalie countered to the right. "Can't stay there all night, little girl." He warned.

"Wanna bet?" Natalie challenged with a smile.

John nodded, opening his mouth and Natalie waiting for the words so she could come up with a quick reply was a beat to slow as John ran around the table. Natalie tried to out run him but he caught her, pulling her warm body to his wet one.

"Ekk!" She squealed, as he held her tightly wetting her in the process before he finally let go. She hit him playfully as she moved out of his arms. "You idiot! You got me wet!"

John pushed a wet strand of his hair out of his eyes. "That was the general idea."

Natalie pouted, looking down at her now damp pajamas. "Oh what is it with you McBain boys and water?" She huffed.

"Hey you started it!"

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"Because who started the popcorn throwing?" Natalie baited him.

"Oh and that was a reason to soak me?" John challenged.

"Yes." Natalie answered with a solemn nod before her and John both broke into laughter at the absurdity of the conversation. "Come on," Natalie grabbed his hand, leading him up stairs. "I'll get you a towel. We might even have one of those star wars ones clean that Matthew uses."

"Oh goody." John replied sarcastically, but his hand never left hers.

TBC- One part left- Honest!

Becca