Woohoo! I actually got more than 5 reviews (well… not all for chapter 7… but you can't have it all!), oh god I'm so damn happy!
Thankyou very very much to all you lovely peeps who reviewed! aka Sunrise over the tango factory, reddwarfaddict, Giver-of-Hope, and cazflibs.
…..
"Mr Lister sir? Mr Lister, please wake up!" Kryten shook Lister's shoulders for the umpteenth time. "Oh it is no use!" Lister's head lolled from side to side as lifeless as a value Tesco chicken a year past its sell by date.
"See, I told you! We're deader than flamingo pink pedal pushers with zips at the knees!"
"It's too late!" boomed the colossal 'thing' that had, by now, dislodged itself from the walls, "Prepare to feel lots and lots of pain!"
Lister shifted in his unconsciousness, breathing too fast and murmuring something about a tonne of jerked chicken and a gold caravan.
"Well, may I take this moment to say it's been a pleasure serving you sirs. If it is any consolation I am willing to sacrifice myself first so that you do not have to endure as much pain as me."
"Thanks bud!"
"And may I also take this moment to say – you're on your own guys!" with that Rimmer turned himself off, leaving his light bee to plop to the floor. But not without whacking, the already in-excruciating-pain-and-agony, Lister on the head first.
"MUAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain.
It brought them to their knees.
Pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain
"NO! My suits, don't burn them, – how can you be so unfashionable!"
pain
"My ironing sir, no - it'll take me weeks to get the stains out!"
pain
"No… Baby I smegging well… love you…" Lister gasped, eyelids fluttering.
pain
"Love?" the GELF spat, shivering violently.
"Hold me babe… I'll get the… ketchup."
"Of course!" said Kryten turning to Cat, "It's so incredibly simple I have no idea why I didn't think of it before!"
"Are you going to tell me bud, or are you just gonna boast all day?"
Kryten smiled an I-am-just-so-darn-clever! smile, "Have I ever told you that you have the most amazing dress sense?"
Cat's chest puffed up with pride, "well of course you have – you'd be mad not to! I just ooze style and creativity!"
The GELF was slowly shrinking, "You bastards!"
Lister was still muttering and tossing around on the floor, not that anyone was taking any notice. "Lick ... brown sauce… iron the banana…"
The GELF splattered the already splattered with gunk red dwarf gang, with gunk. "It's too late!" it giggled manically, "Eat pain, pain eaters!" it spread its blubbery arms wide.
After much explaining from Kryten, the Cat finally seemed to have cottoned on. "And did I ever tell you that… urm… your head is shaped like a novelty condom?"
"Well, yes sir, lots of times as it so happens."
"Oh… er-" the Cat thought hard.
The GELF prepared to send what looked like a green sticky cling-film wall at them,
The Cat thought sohard his brain was close to exploding, "You're – you're good at ironing!" the Cat said extremely quickly.
"Why thank you sir! I pride myself on it." Kryten beamed.
The GELF was now small enough to fit through the corridors with a large bin on its head. "Curse you and you're filthy compliments!" it heaved its body up and flung the bogey-green sandwich wrapper at them. The hurtling wave picked Cat, Kryten, Lister and Rimmer's light bee at the doors with a thwack.
…
Lister opened his eyes slowly, wincing at the pain ricocheting through his body. Honest to god, it was a wonder he was still alive.
"Thank heavens Mr Lister! I'm so very glad you're awake."
"Is everyone… all right?"
"Not really sir. I have no idea where my right leg is and there seems to be a large hole in my chest." he said calmly, "But the Cat seems to have caught the worst of it."
Cat unpeeled himself from the wall falling flat on his back. "What happened?"
Lister and Kryten stared at him with open mouths.
"What? What is it?" than he noticed how, suddenly, his teeth seemed to get in the way of his mouth. "Oh GOD no!" he said staring at his body, "What's that bogeyed git done now?"
Then he caught his reflection in Kryten's metal body.
"DWAINE DIBLEY!"
The Cat hit the ground in a dead faint.