A/N: Sorry to take so long to update! I hope I won't have another hiatus like that one. It sucked. Majorly. Thanks to everyone who's reviewing! I hope I don't disappoint you, you guys rock! Read on!

DISCLAIMER: LotR/Shrek not mine.

ONE SHREK TO BRING THEM ALL

Chapter 7: The Quest Begins

The motley Fellowship of the Ring began the trek southward to Mordor. Shrek and Gandalf led the way, mostly because Gandalf knew where he was going. Shrek also decided early on that he didn't want to walk with anyone else in the group.

The Hobbits got on his nerves something dreadful. All Merry and Pippin could talk about was either food or drink. Currently, they were singing (literally) the praises of a tavern back home called the Green Dragon. Apparently this was THE place to go.

"And don't get me started on Sam and Frodo," Shrek thought to himself. "They're really starting to creep me out the way they hang all over each other." It was hard to tell whether there was something questionable going on or not, since it appeared that Frodo didn't notice the way Sam was staring at him.

Frodo was looking at Legolas, and seemed to have quite forgotten his headache.

Shrek rolled his eyes. "Aye me," he thought. "Now there's a man who knows he's pretty." Legolas couldn't go five minutes without tossing his hair about, or preening himself. It was almost more than Shrek could bear, and he had to silence his Ogre instincts from pulverizing the Elf Prince on the spot. "Think nasty thoughts, think nasty thoughts," he told himself.

Gimli, son of Gloin, made a big show of hating the Elf. Unfortunately, he also didn't trust Shrek any farther than he could throw him, and kept his axe firmly planted between himself and the Ogre at all times.

Shrek snickered. "I dare him to come near me with that toothpick of a weapon. I'd swing him by his beard."

Then, there was Boromir. The Gondorian was steadily arguing with Donkey about dragons.

"All I'm saying," said Boromir, "is that dragons are dangerous creatures to have around the house! You can never be sure they won't hiccup and set fire to your curtains or something."

Donkey looked angry. "My fiancée resembles that remark, thank you very much! And just when is the last time you've seen a dragon? I remember this one time, when I was just walking through the forest, minding my own business…"

Donkey embarked on a very long tale, and Boromir looked very sorry to have spoken in the first place.

And then there was the future King of Men. Aragorn, son of Arathorn. Better known as Fuzzy Wuzzy Cuddly Fluff. He was sulking, bringing up the rear. Every now and then, he'd look up at one of the other members of the Fellowship and try to speak. But when the person noticed Aragorn looking, he would break out into helpless laughter and say, "Lumpy Umpy Dumpkins!" or some other such nonsense. This would set the whole Fellowship off again, and poor Aragorn looked as though he wouldn't mind remaining a bachelor to the end of his days.

Shrek was deep in discussion with Gandalf about how Ogres are like onions.

"Oh, you mean when you leave them out in the sun, they start sprouting little white hairs," Gandalf was saying.

"NO! They have layers! Ogres have layers, onions have layers…" Shrek was replying, when suddenly, Donkey showed up at his side. "Um…Shrek?"

"Yes?" he replied, slightly annoyed.

Donkey looked up at the Ogre with a hopeful expression. "Do you mind if…um…I mean…Can I walk with you?"

Shrek looked surprised. "What? Why? What's wrong with that guy back there?" Shrek could never remember all of their names.

Donkey smiled slightly. "He and Gimli are talking about Moria. Gimli says that the reason the mines are so deep is that one day, a bunch of those Dwarves decided to…"

"Whoa! Stop right there." Shrek held up his hands. "What's really going on?"

Gandalf spoke up. "You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cake!"

"NO!" Shrek was getting really annoyed now. "I don't care what everybody likes! Ogres are NOT like cakes!"

Donkey looked uncomfortable, as he continued. "Well…see that horse back there?" Donkey nodded towards Bill the Pony, the laden-down horse who was being led by Samwise.

Shrek glanced back. "Yeah. So?"

Donkey sped up slightly. "I think he likes me."

Gandalf rolled his eyes. "But you're a guy, and he's a guy. Why would he…oh! I see…" The Grey Wizard burst out into laughter.

Donkey nodded again. "Yep. I don't like this, Shrek. Is it really worth it to get your nasty old bog cleared out?"

Shrek stopped in his tracks. "Look, you irritating miniature beast of burden! That 'nasty old bog' is my home, and I don't want a bunch of dead people floating around in it!"

Gandalf cleared his throat. "How about parfait? Everybody likes parfait. "

"I like parfait!" spoke up Boromir. "You don't ask someone, 'Hey, you want to go get some parfait?' and they reply, 'Hell no, I don't like no parfait.'"

Shrek sighed heavily, plugged his ears and dropped behind the Fellowship for awhile.

A/N: Don't worry about me pairing people off in this story or anything. No slashiness here. It's all in good humour. R/R, and stay tuned.