A Purpose Driven Life
INTRODUCTION and INTRODUCTION OF MANFRED
Hello. My name is Scrat. I have had 3 near death experiences and 4 experiences where I
should've died and didn't in the last 81 minutes. My mother's name is Scat, my father's,
Rat, thus: Scrat. I was born in a hollow tree that, ironically, is where my mother had me.
Ya, weird. I was born with four other creatures my parents liked to call "their children".
One of them went on to go to Harvard, another became a psychopath, and I haven't
heard from the other two since they died when our tree was hit by lightening, which killed
them. My parents got sick of the avalanches, earthquakes, and other "natural"
catastrophe's that seemed to follow me around, and turned me out of the house just
before I reached the young age of 27 ½.
One day, I was hunting acorns, and the tree (under which I was standing under)
randomly uprooted itself and fell right now me (as that was the tree under which I was
standing under). This was supposed to be the harshest winter yet known (supposedly
called the "ice age" or "the winter the ozone layer left".) to us (us, meaning all the other
half evolved creatures that lived in the world at that time.) and i wanted to have plenty of
food for when i went into hiding (otherwise known as "hibernation"), but after I'd gotten
out from under the tree, the other rat/squirrels had carried away EVERY SINGLE
ACORN! There wasn't ONE left! well, except for the one directly under my middle rear
left paw. I gasped, there, under my paw was the most perfectest acorn I'd EVER seen! I
jumped for joy, hitting my head on a branch (that had suspiciously positioned itself
directly above my head) hitting my funny bone, causing me to open my hand and be
momentarily paralyzed in that position (near death experience number one). My poor
acorn went rolling down a cliff that hadn't noticed before. in fact, i swear it wasn't
THERE before. but does that matter? no. well, yes, but no. well... nevermind. it went
rolling down the hill, and momentarily (after i'd become UNmomentarily paralyzed) I
went rolling/running/scrambling after it. I finally caught up to it at the bottom of the hill,
and started to run, searching for a place to hide it, and myself for the winter. finally, i
decided there were no places I could hide, but i would have to find someplace to put my
acorn while i searched for more food, and a place for me to "hibernate". i shoved my
acorn in the ground. i jumped on it and squashed it and worked as HARD as i could to
push it in. finally, it slipped into the hole i had created. and suddenly there was a
cracking sound, near my feet, behind me. now i should mention that when i'm nervous,
my eye twitches. well, when i turned around, i saw the cracking sound was the ice. i tried
to stop it, and i ran after it. but it was no use. it went about 100 yards, then went up a
mountain, and all was still... until POP a tiny chunk of ice popped out at the top. my eye
twitched. suddenly, razor sharp icicles were coming down all around me. i turned, and
did the most intelligent thing i could do. i ran straight away from the iceberg, instead of
sideways, away from it... go figure. anyway, it was getting closer and closer. i turned
and looked behind me. it looked like i was safe. then i turned ahead of me. AH!there
was another iceberg directly in front of me, heading full steam towards me. I started
running to the side, like i should've done in the first place. i barely made it out alive. (first
experience where i should've died but didn't.) i was popped out of the hole, and i went
SOARING through the air. now here's the part the PIXAR directors cut out. I landed not
in a procession of animals heading south for the winter/ice age, no, i landed with a
THUNK in the middle of nowhere. THUNK. "I think i'm in the middle of nowhere", I
thought. I decided the middle of nowhere was about as good a home as any, considering
it was the middle of nowhere practically... everywhere. Out of desperation i was forced
to live in an abandoned toilet (in the middle of nowhere) during the cold winter that
followed, considering my family had left me a long time ago for the south. I found some
old moss for carpet, and actually some nice moss for couches, and this odd mossy
textured plant (that i assumed was moss) served very nicely for a blanket. (It could get a
bit drafty in the pipes where i slept). The next spring people said the next winter would be
even COLDER, and i decided, enough is enough. after all, there's only so much popcorn
one can eat, and i decided then and there that there would be no more roaming from
place to place with a toilet on my back. never again! I took my lucky acorn (the one that
i'd managed to save from the iceberg) and i found a procession of animals heading south.
it felt GREAT. to be with other animals that didn't treat me like i was some rat/squirrel
thing with a toilet on it's back. they actually treated me like one of them! so anyway, here
i am in this procession, and my toilet is getting rather heavy, so i took out the moss, and
that lightened my load by, well, nothing actually... so i'm walking in this procession
when all of a sudden this pot bellied little... well, actually i don't know WHAT he was, but
whatever he was, his name was herbert, but i'd never even SEEN him before, i mean, i
don't even know his name, but he walked up to me and the little snarfblatt decided it
would be pretty funny to run me out (more correctly phrased out from under) my home,
and grabbed my toilet and shoved me, making my run right out from under my home. i
was so relieved when i turned around and my toilet was safe in his arms. well, that is, it
WAS safe until he chucked it over a cannon wall. i was crushed. (so incidentally was my
toilet, i discovered later). I raced over to the cannon wall and jumped. sitting in the air,
suspended by a powerful force known to PIXAR as "delayed gravity", i sat there and
realized just what i'd done. my face went from a look of horror to... horror, and my eye
twitched furiously. i scrambled toward the cliff edge on what some call the "invisible
treadmill" but it was too late. my five seconds of delayed gravity were up, and i fell. and
landed directly in front of a giant mammoth, that was in (or on, it was hard to tell)
another procession and oh yes, being "Scrat the lucky squirrel/rat" he stepped directly on
me. which is where you come in. and nobody cares about me anymore because that is
where they bring in some stupid sloth, and i just become some background crazy animal,
constantly running after an acorn (but as you now know, i'm much, much more than that.)
Anyway, amazingly none of my bones were bumped, bruised, dislocated, cracked, or
smashed beyond healing or recognition, from either the 1000 ft. fall, or being stepped on
by a 1000 lb. giant hairy mammoth. (experiences where i should've died and didn't
numbers 2 and 3). Who knows wut happens to me after this, because this is where they
bring in the lovely, sweet, disgustlingly sarcastic
co-hero. oh yes, you know him well. the backstabbing MANFRED THE MAMMOTH.
perky music
DIRECTOR: wrong music you idiots!
classical music
DIRECTOR: ugh!
FIGHTING ENSUES
a series of bangs, bumps, crashes, and occassional piano chords are heard, seeming to fit
the scene.
sort of...