A/N: Thanks to catterwall for the beta and sosmitten for pimping me on the TWoP boards. And to danagabrielle for a review that made my day. :)
She stood in front of the hotel room door and found that she was unable to will herself inside. She settled against the wall opposite, slinking down with a plop and staring up at the peep hole. There was no light coming from underneath the door.
Lorelai desperately tried to convince herself that he was asleep. She would be able to steal out of bed in the early morning hours, no problem. It wouldn't be difficult to get to Donald's, lose herself in the preparations and then book the next flight back. They probably wouldn't even have to see each other at all.
She felt angry but had nowhere to direct it. She didn't know why she'd been rejected, but she wanted to forget it ever happened. There was a painful, empty sort of feeling in her chest, as if an organ had been suddenly removed without her permission.
Finally steeling herself, she swiped the card through the slot and slid in, cringing when the door snapped closed. She stood perfectly still as she waited for her eyes to adjust.
The first thing in the room she identified was the bed, perfectly made, pillow mints intact.
Her eyes shifted to the couch. It was fixed up neatly with the spare blankets from the closet and a decorative pillow. He wasn't in it.
She began to feel apprehensive, suddenly worried that he'd switched rooms or worse... flown back home. She whispered into the dark, "Luke?"
"Right here," he said, his voice scratchy.
Lorelai followed the sound to a chair in the corner of the room, wedged between the bed and the window. He had turned toward her when she walked in, though it was evident that he'd been staring out for some time.
"What're you doing?" She asked hesitantly.
Luke got up and settled onto the couch, lying back. "Couldn't sleep," he mumbled.
"Oh."
"Goodnight," he said quickly.
"Um… yeah, sure. 'Night."
She dropped her purse on the bed and tried to avoid looking in the direction of his shadow. Cautiously making her way to the bathroom, she considerately closed the door behind her before snapping on the light.
Once the fluorescent bulbs flickered on, she was startled by her appearance. Her makeup was smeared, her skin sagged, and her hair was frizzed by the ocean air. She was briefly amused that she seemed to look the way she felt.
She showered and changed with great difficulty. Her breathing had become shallow, inciting frequent and heavy sighs that racked her body.
She couldn't tear her eyes away from the inanimate objects in the room. The lights made everything seem a dull yellow color that reminded her of movies from the '70's.
The questions in her mind had stopped. She was stuck somewhere between figuring out why it had happened and deciding what to do next, but couldn't bring herself to delve in on either side.
Her thoughts just sort of slowed, then ceased entirely.
It was like the last moment before falling asleep, when your body and mind stay absolutely still, anticipating being overtaken by another state of consciousness. Only much scarier, as she wasn't sure quite what she was being overtaken by.
Without really registering her movements, she made her way back to the bed and climbed in, almost drowning in her oversized sweatshirt and pants.
Once she was in, she vaguely noted that it seemed so much bigger than it had last night. She got the same eerie feeling that had come over her on the beach; like the size of her environment had expanded without Luke there.
She was mentally and emotionally drained, but somehow her eyes refused to close. Lorelai stared out of the open window trying to block out the sound of Luke's breathing, trying to focus on her own.
It was then that she noticed it. Climbing cautiously out of bed, she walked to the chair that Luke had been occupying when she came in.
The window looked out onto the exact stretch of beach that she had been sitting on.
God. He'd been sitting there watching her. For all the hours she'd sat there sobbing, he'd been watching her from up here. Doing absolutely nothing about it.
And suddenly her anger found a channel.
The thoughts in her head, which had been so helplessly paralyzed from the moment he'd broken it off, rapidly found movement again. And her foremost thought was just what an asshole he was.
No matter what she could have done to make him want to end… whatever it was that they had started, it was not in his character to sit up here like some cold-hearted stepmother, staring passively while her heart was breaking.
She stood at the window and looked down. She imagined seeing Rory, or Sookie, or Kirk for god's sake sitting on that beach in a sobbing heap and knew she'd be down there in a flash. And she knew for certain that Luke was a better person than she was. And yet he still hadn't come.
She could never, not in her wildest dreams, imagine doing something so terrible to Luke that he would have continued to sit there, hour after hour, just watching her suffer.
"Lorelai?" His voice came quietly from the couch.
Her body was completely stiff as she chewed her lip, resisting the urge to hit him. Or hit the wall. Or hit something. Her mother, maybe. Something needed to go down. It briefly occurred to her to jump out the window.
"What," she barked. Her brash tone took him by surprise, and he couldn't find his voice for several moments.
"Nothing."
The silence that punctuated their words was piercing.
"You were watching me?" Her voice was shrill, broken.
He sighed. "Yes."
"And you didn't come talk to me? You just sat up here and watched me. You did nothing. You seriously sat up here and did nothing."
Her accusing tone made him wince, but he didn't know what to say. Lorelai waited for a reaction, though she was unsurprised when none came.
"Luke," she said quietly, "you're the only person I have right now. You're the only person I can come to for... anything. And now… just like that... you're completely gone? And I can't even know why?"
"That is why," he scoffed. "Look, I don't want to talk about this right now."
"What's why? The fact that I don't have anyone else?"
He didn't answer.
"Luke! What's why!" Her tone was quickly going from demanding to desperate.
The air conditioner hummed gently, underscoring his silence.
"You don't want to talk about it? Fine," she snapped. She was absolutely livid. "Then go to hell."
She angrily tossed back the covers and climbed in, slamming pillows against the headboard in an attempt to rearrange them.
Lorelai swallowed back tears, not willing to give him the satisfaction of hearing her cry.
It was difficult to understand and even more difficult to deal with. This wasn't just some guy that she'd been seeing, some relationship sort of fizzling out. This was the man that she'd waited so patiently for, completely shutting her out.
She'd always managed to have faith that, when it was right, it would happen. She tried not to push it, she had to try consciously not to flirt him into dating her, knowing that if it was meant to be, it would happen when it was right, on its own terms.
And there it had been, right in front of her. He'd told her that he'd been waiting too. He'd smiled shyly and taken her hand awkwardly and it was everything she wanted from him.
And now, over the course of a single day, the hope and trust that she'd carried in her heart, that had grown to be such a part of her over the years, was suddenly extinguished. Without explanation. And it was killing her.
She sat up in bed, staring blankly at the shadows cast on the floor. She didn't know if he was still awake, but began speaking in a low voice.
"I don't know... I don't know what you're thinking. And I don't know why you won't explain this to me, because I have a right to know why you're doing this, why you're ending this."
She breathed deeply, ignoring his conspicuous silence.
"I'm sure if you could tell me what I did wrong, then I could... apologize for whatever it was and we could sort it out. Because I really think that we should be together. Because... because today was one of the best days of my life. Which, considering the circumstances, is incredible, Luke. And I want to be with you, I've wanted to be with you for so long now."
Hearing her own voice was soothing, and she felt better for articulating her thoughts.
"I care about you. I really do. And if I did anything to make you think that this wouldn't work between us, then I'm sorry. My cards are on the table, Luke. The only thing I want right now is to start a relationship with you."
Lorelai wasn't sure if she was expecting a response, but his side of the room was still. She couldn't even hear him breathing anymore.
She layed back with one last calming breath. She buried her head deep under the comforter and finally gave up, completely turning off her mind.