A/N: Sorry, I uploaded the wrong ch 8 last night...there are a few minor changes in this one, it makes a little more sense! Thanks for the constructive criticism…there does seem to be too much movie dialogue in this story, now that I'm reading back over it. That'll be one thing I change when I revamp this story. Another is chapter length. Thanks so much for reviewing!

DISCLAIMER: LotR/Shrek not mine.

ONE SHREK TO BRING THEM ALL

Chapter 8: On The Rocks

So far, our favorite adventurers – plus two – had been very lucky. They had been traveling for days, with no sign of danger. The only other travelers they had seen were Men. Most of those seemed to be trying to capture those in the party who were a different race…namely all except Boromir and Aragorn.

One Man in particular attempted to sneak up on the party from nearby rocks. Just as the Company came to the top of a large hill, and were going over it single file, pausing dramatically for effect (almost as if there were music playing…), Legolas suddenly jumped in front of Shrek and Gandalf.

"Hush!" the Elf cautioned. "There is someone nearby with malicious intent."

Pippin perked up. "Delicious what? It has been days since I've had a proper second breakfast!"

Merry elbowed him. Hard. "Shut up! Malicious, not delicious! It's a whole different word…it means bad-tasting."

Shrek turned around and shushed them both by clapping his huge hands over their mouths and pulling them off of the ground. "If you don't quiet down and let Elf-Boy listen, I'm going to milk both your livers and drink it for elevensies. Got it?"

The Hobbits nodded with difficulty, since Shrek was still holding them up by their heads.

"Good." The Ogre gave a fierce grin, and set them down. With a last warning glance, he strode back to where the Elf stood listening. "What do you make of it?"

Legolas frowned. "Not sure yet. It might be a Man. It is certainly not an Elf; the footfalls are too heavy. Not a Dwarf either; the being isn't crashing through the undergrowth," he added with a haughty look at Gimli.

Gimli harrumphed and shook his axe menacingly.

Shrek grew impatient with standing around and waiting. He sighed heavily and threw his hands up in the air. "Fine! I'll go see what it is."

"Ringbearer! No!" Boromir cried. "Stop him, someone! He is taking the Ring to Sauron!"

Gandalf bopped him on the head with his staff. "Silence, son of a steward."

"Jeeze," sulked Boromir, rubbing his sore head. "You make that sound like a bad thing." He stuck out his tongue at Gandalf, who muttered something nearly unintelligible about death and dismemberment.

Meanwhile, Shrek was sneaking up on whatever the Elf had heard. Now the thing was just on the other side of the big rock the Ogre was listening at. Shrek snuck around the side of the rock…and POUNCE!

The Fellowship saw Shrek emerge from behind the rock, holding a Man several feet off the ground, by the back of his black cloak. He was obviously a servant or messenger for someone, for he bore a white tattoo of a hand on the back of his neck. Otherwise, he was dressed all in black. Shrek sneered at him. "Gotcha! Who are you, and what are you –"

"Grima Wormtongue!" roared Gandalf. He made his way to where Shrek was holding the Man off the ground. "Just what do you think you are doing?!"

"Back off, Wizard! This is collection day! I want you and every Ogre, Dwarf, Elf, Donkey, and…" he trailed off, staring thoughtfully at the Hobbits. He'd never seen their kind before. "…really…short people to let me kill you and stuff you into this bag." The Man held up a huge burlap sack and shook it open. "I'm taking you all in."

The others looked at each other for a moment, then burst out laughing. Even Boromir was nearly rolling on the ground. "This is almost as rich as 'Fuzzy Wuzzy Cuddly Fluff!'"

Aragorn stopped laughing long enough to give Boromir the Look of Death.

Grima, still dangling in the air, put his hands on his hips. "Just what is so amusing?" he demanded. He spat at them all, and stared them down with steely blue eyes from beneath an untidy mop of black hair.

Shrek spat back, and Grima wiped green slime from his face with a scowl. "How did you think you were going to kill us? Just you by yourself?"

Donkey wiped tears with his hoof and replied, "How did you think we were all gonna fit in that tiny little sack?"

"Yeah," put in Aragorn, "and how did you think you were going to get them all home, if you did."

The Man sighed in frustration. "First off, buddy, I'm not taking them home…they are going to Lord Farquad. He's put a ransom on every fairy tale creature's carcass we can bring in, and then he dumps them in this nasty swamp."

"My Swamp!" yelled Shrek, shaking the Man. "Why would he dump the dead bodies there?"

Grima shrugged, or at least it looked like he was trying to. "We don't know. We just deliver the corpses and collect our cash. So get ready to die!!"

As one motion, every member of the Fellowship drew his weapon. In the next second, the black-clad Man was nervously facing four daggers, three swords, a bow and arrow, an axe, and a hoof. (Donkey had a black belt in karate and wasn't afraid to use it.)

Shrek leaned in menacingly as well, his large teeth looking ready to bite off useful body parts. Grima gulped and gave one last swing at the hand that was holding his cloak. Shrek dropped him, and the servant spat at them one last time, before he ran away screaming.

The Fellowship relaxed. "I see Wormtongue still has the bad habit of spitting everywhere," Gimli remarked, wiping off his pants leg where the last expectoration had landed.

"Well," Gandalf mused. "Strange indeed. So Grima Wormtongue is working for Farquad and Saruman. I wonder who this Farquad is, and why I've never heard of him. I'm supposed to know everything."

Donkey leapt to attention suddenly. "I know who he is!"

Gimli sneezed, "Aaachooo-Bullshit!" and he and Legolas snickered to each other, which brought a glare from the Grey Wizard. They quickly straightened up, then realized they were standing together and jumped apart, swearing at one another. Gandalf rolled his eyes.

Donkey insisted, "Oh pick me, pick me…please!"

Shrek watched as the Man scrambled back down the rocks to wherever he came from. "He is heading for Isengard. Hmmm."

Aragorn snapped his fingers suddenly. "I have seen that white hand before, the one that was tattooed on that wretch's neck. It is the hand of Saruman the White."

Gandalf nodded sadly. "And we already know that Saruman has betrayed us. He must be working with this Farquad, but who is this new enemy?"

Donkey couldn't stand it any longer. He jumped up and down, waving his hoof in the air. "Me! Me! Oh, I know! Me!!!! ME!!!!"

Shrek rolled his eyes. "Fine, who is Farquad? And why did he pick my Swamp to pile all those nassssty carcasses in?"

Frodo looked up sharply. "You just held out the 's' in nasty."

Shrek tittered. "No, I didn't."

Frodo looked confused. "Yes you did. You said nassssty."

"I didn't."

"Did."

"Didn't."

"Did so."

Aragorn looked at Gandalf, and they both nodded silently. "He is starting to feel the power of the Ring," Aragorn said softly. "We must not dawdle. Let us get started again at once."

Donkey sighed and followed. Bill the Pony dropped behind to walk with him, and Donkey nervously sped up a little. "Fine," he thought. "If they won't listen to me, they'll just have to find out for themselves. Hmmph!"

A/N: Thanks to reviewer EsmeAmelia for giving me the idea for the Saruman/Farquad collaboration. Told you my reviewers are awesome! Will update very soon!