Disclaimer: LotR not mine, nor is Shrek...sad but true.

ONE SHREK TO BRING THEM ALL

Chapter Nine: The "Winds" of Change

Now more uneasy about their odds of being attacked, Gandalf decided they must continue to travel west of the Misty Mountains, and that they could not afford to camp for long at a time. The result was that everyone rested less each night, and tempers began to flare from lack of sleep. As if everyone was getting along perfectly from the start...

It was on one of these rocky encampments that their plans suddenly changed.

Everyone was fussing over something.

Aragorn refused to sleep next to Boromir, mainly because of the way the Gondorian made fun of him. "Boromir, for the sake of sanity, will you PLEASE let the baby talk go?!" Aragorn pleaded.

Boromir laughed and said, "Oh is my itty bitty wittle dumpkins angry? I'm gonna be a vewy big Kingy Wingy someday. Wook at me!"

Aragorn grabbed a large cast-iron skillet from Sam, who yelped, "Hey! I'm trying to cook your meals here!" He made towards Boromir with the skillet raised over his head.

Gandalf jumped in just in time. "ELESSAR!" he roared, using the powerful voice he had spoken the black speech of Mordor with, back in Rivendell.

Aragorn stopped midswing, and the heavy pan clattered to the ground. Sam gave him a dirty look and scampered forward huffily to reclaim his skillet. "Sorry, Gandalf. He's just being such a...a...grrr!"

Gandalf turned to address Boromir. "Why must Men behave like Ogres?" he asked grouchily.

A deep voice cleared its throat right behind and above Gandalf's head. "Excuse me? Did you just insult Ogres?"

Gandalf the Grey turned white. "Um...no...I insulted Wizards...because, um...they don't behave like Ogres...and um...they miss the opportunity for amazing insight into the minds of the Ogres...and um..."

"All right, all right," Shrek waved him off. "Nice save, my precioussss."

Frodo jumped up from where he was sitting smoking, and knocked the plate Sam was handing him to the ground.

"Mr. Frodo!" Sam cried indignantly.

"Shrek! I heard it that time! You said...'precioussss'."

Shrek paused. "I did? I could have sworn I said 'I'll squeeze the jelly from your eyes.'"

"No...you called him 'precioussss.'" Frodo insisted.

Shrek grew thoughtful. "Wow, that's weird. Actually it's quite good on toast."

"Mr. Frodo, really now, that's not worth getting excited over and knocking the plate over," Sam was fussing at his master. "Your Sam took a long time cooking this, and..."

"YOUR SAM?!" Merry and Pippin nearly lost their footing. Boromir had gotten bored with Gandalf and had wandered off. He had walked over to talk to the Halflings, and now they were learning the art of swordsmanship in combat from Boromir, and were doing rather well at it. In their surprise and amusement at Sam's endearing himself to Frodo so boldly, they doubled over laughing, and Boromir whacked Merry in the hand with the blunt end of his sword.

"Ow!" cried Merry, holding his hand and twirling around in pain.

"Oh!" Boromir rushed forward to check on the Hobbit. "Are you alright? I'm sor-"

Merry mischievously struck back at Boromir, hitting the Man unawares, and laughing. "Ha! Some trick, eh Pippin?...Pippin?" He looked over at the other Halfling, who was still giggling at Sam and Frodo.

"Oh! Yes, good one, Merry!" Pippin struck out at the Man also, and they ended up throwing their swords down and jumping on top of him, knocking him to the ground. They rolled around tickling and wrestling for awhile, and Sam and Frodo giggled back at them.

"I don't want to hear no more from none of you about me, after rolling around with each other...and right in front of everybody!" Sam called to them disgustedly.

Aragorn, who had been sitting there watching after his fight with Boromir, took a final drag from his own pipe, and decided that was enough. "All right, you guys, knock it off. There's too much odd behavior going on here as it is."

As soon as the future King of Men stepped up to the group and tried to pull the Hobbits off of Boromir, Merry and Pippin grabbed his feet. Aragorn lost his balance and fell hard onto his back. Everyone laughed at him. Aragorn staggered to his feet, and went to sit alone and sulk again.

Meanwhile, Donkey (who had been wandering around trying to shake off Bill the Pony) had been conversing with Gimli. The Dwarf was wondering why they did not just go through the Mines of Moria. "If you ask me, we're taking the long way around. My cousin Balin would give us a royal welcome!"

Donkey looked at him askance. "A Donkey. In a mine? You have got to be kidding me. First off, I don't think these" he held up his left front hoof "were made for climbing around in a dark cave. Second...um...well," Donkey lowered his voice. "I happen to know someone in this group who is afraid of the dark!"

Gimli leaned in closer, eagerly hoping it was Legolas, so that he could torture the Elf with this knowledge. "Who? Speak up now! Do tell!"

Donkey glanced around at Shrek. "Well, don't tell the big guy I told you this, but..."

"Shrek?" Gimli said loudly. "Shrek is afraid?"

Shrek heard his name and his head swung around quickly. "What? Afraid of what? I'm not afraid of anything. I'm an Ogre!" He came up to Gimli and Donkey, as did Gandalf.

"He said you were," Gimli said nervously, backing away a little, and pointing to Donkey.

"Gah!" Shrek threw his hands up. "YOU are afraid of the dark, you dense, irritating miniature beast of burden."

Donkey looked sheepish. "Well, OK. I didn't want anyone to know, but...yes, I'm afraid of the dark. Can we please not go through the mines?"

Gandalf nodded an affirmative. "Oh, don't worry, we're not going through the mines."

Donkey looked confused. "But...Gimli said..."

Gandalf gave Gimli a Look of Death. "I'm the boss here, and I say we go around it. There are terrible things under that mountain."

"Yes," put in Legolas. "Dwarves."

Gimli gave him the middle finger. Legolas pretended not to see it, and went back to scanning the horizons for enemies.

"No," Gandalf was saying, "That's not what I meant. I know what's been going on under that mountain in recent years...it is not a safe place to travel at all."

Suddenly Legolas broke through the discussion. "Something approaches in the sky."

Gimli strained to see it. "It's nothing, just a wisp of cloud."

Aragorn saw it too. "It's moving fast, and against the wind."

Legolas' eyes widened. "Crebain, from Dunlend!" (A/N: Thanks, Kitsume, I changed the word. Sorry!)

Gandalf sounded the alarm, "Everyone HIDE!" Sam put out the fire, Aragorn gathered up blankets and supplies and threw them into the bushes, and everyone else dove for cover.

Everyone except Shrek. "You guys are afraid of birds? You people are sissies just here for comic relief!" He rolled his eyes and turned his back to the birds.

Donkey shrieked from behind Bill the Pony. "Shrek! Hurry! They'll get you."

Shrek rolled his eyes as the birds got closer. When he could almost feel the wind from their wings, he shut his eyes and concentrated.

FFFFFWWWWWAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHPPPPPPPPPFFFFFFFFF!!!!!!!!

Suddenly every one of the birds dropped down dead on the ground behind Shrek.

Startled, the Fellowship came out of their hiding places. "What the hell was that?" Gandalf asked. He held his nose, as did everyone else. "Eck! It reeks!"

Shrek looked proud. "That's what I call the Power Fart."

Legolas looked sick. "That's the most disgusting thing I've ever...smelled...in my life. And I've lived a VERY long time." He coughed and nearly vomited. "Ew, it's worse than shorty over here."

"Hey!!" All four Hobbits cried out in unison.

"I meant the Dwarf."

"Hey!" cried Gimli.

Gandalf was looking at the dead birds on the ground. "The spies of Saruman. Hmm, the passage south is being watched. We must take the passage over the mountains." He gestured to Aragorn. "You. Fuzzy Wuzzy Whatever Fluff." Aragorn winced. "Gather up the birds and skin them. Sam can cook them for supper."

Aragorn muttered something about Grey Wizard Stew, and went about the task of cleaning the birds.

A/N: Question...how did they hide Bill the Pony in the movie, when they all jumped under the bushes? Wouldn't it have looked odd for a horse to be standing out in the middle of nowhere, even if they had picketed him nearby to graze? Hmm, just a thought. Thanks for reviewing, and I promise I'll try to update more often. Like it so far? I'm almost to 40 reviews at the writing of this Author's Note. If I can make it to 50, I'll bring in a surprise guest! Ah...suspense!