A/N: Another loophole...did anyone see Bill the Pony stuck on the snowy ledge of Caradhras? Hmmm. Quoth the Sparrow: "That's interesting....That's very interesting."

Oh...and I will probably get flak from the self-labeled "purists" for using movie-script. Just want to let you all know, I have read, enjoyed and bought everything Tolkien's name is on...it's not a sin to LIKE the movies...and I LOVE them!

Disclaimer: LotR/Shrek not mine, if I was making money off of this stuff, I wouldn't be writing it here. I'd be on my own private island, relaxing and watching the hurricanes go by...;

ONE SHREK TO BRING THEM ALL

Chapter Ten: Cold Feet

Gandalf had decided the passage through the Misty Mountains was unsafe, and so he decided to lead them up the passage of Caradhras. This just happened to be over a very large, very snowy, and very dangerous looking mountain.

As usual, Gandalf and Shrek led the way, with Legolas and Gimli next, pretending they didn't like each other. Boromir escorted his new buddies, Merry and Pippin, holding their hands like they were two children cross trying to cross the street. Frodo and Sam walked together, Sam leading Bill the Pony, Frodo dragging Donkey kicking and screaming, with a rope he had found in Sam's backpack. Aragorn brought up the rear, sulking once more because nobody wanted to walk with him.

"NO! Please don't make me go up that mountain! It's too high!" Donkey was yelling, as Frodo dragged him up the mountainside.

Shrek sighed and dropped back until he was beside them. He took the rope from a relieved and tired-looking Frodo. "What's the matter? Don't tell me you're afraid of heights."

"No," replied Donkey slowly. "I'm just a little skittish about being up on a high ledge where there's snow and rocks. What if there's an avalanche?"

"There won't be," Shrek assured him.

Donkey stubbornly kept on. "What about a rockslide?"

"There won't be a rockslide," Shrek said, sighing again.

"OK, what if a mean old Wizard decides he wants to try to bring the mountain down on top of us?"

"DONKEY!! Enough!" Shrek bellowed. "There is nothing to worry about. Gandalf knows the way, and besides, Saruman doesn't know our plans; I killed his spies and we ate them, remember?"

Donkey remembered. They had been very tough and game-y. "All right, but I just want you to know I don't like this idea. And PLEASE don't make me walk with that horse again. I just get the feeling he...well...wants to get me alone in a dark place."

Shrek laughed. "You may actually be right about that. But don't worry about the mountain, it's perfectly safe-"

At that moment, Shrek lost his footing and tumbled a little ways down the mountainside, right towards Aragorn. "Aaaaaaaaaaah!!" The Man screamed and tried to jump out of the way. Shrek stopped rolling, right at Aragorn's feet.

The Ogre pulled himself upright and brushed the snow off of his clothing and ears. "Oh, no, please don't try to stop me! Please just let me roll on down the mountainside," he said sarcastically, glaring at Aragorn.

Aragorn smiled sheepishly. "Sorry! You're bigger than me!" He stared in horror at Shrek's neck. "The Ring! It's gone!"

Shrek turned paler green and felt for the chain with the One Ring. It was indeed missing. He cast a glance back over the ground, where he had fallen and rolled. There it was, sitting atop a pile of newly disturbed snow.

Before Shrek could get to it, a hand reached down and plucked it up. Boromir. He dangled the Ring in front of his face by its gold chain. "'Tis a pity we should suffer so much...for something so small..."

"Boromir," Aragorn said nervously. The Gondorian reached out to touch the Ring, oblivious that the entire Fellowship had stopped, watching helpfully, and that he was now officially "making a scene."

"BOROMIR." Aragorn said more sternly, and the spell the Ring had woven over the Man was broken. Boromir came back to reality to find Shrek standing over him, menacingly. He giggled. "I care not," he said lightly, and handed the Ring back to Shrek. The Ogre snatched it and quickly put it back on.

The Fellowship collectively let out the breath it had been holding in a whoosh. Everyone trekked on through the thick snow, trudging slowly up the mountainside.

Soon they reached the top of Caradhras.

At Orthanc, the White Wizard was being driven crazy by his guest. His friend from FVA (Fantasy Villains Academy), Lord Farquad, had come to stay with him for a while. They had talked over old times together, and had decided it might be fun to take over Middle Earth. Saruman had called up another old college friend, Sauron, and asked him if he wanted to help them.

As luck would have it, Sauron had a bone to pick with Middle Earth himself, and was glad to get in on the plan. It turned out that awhile back, a Man had managed to make off with Sauron's Ring of Power. Without this Ring, Sauron was reduced to a single fiery eyeball, and was stuck on top of a tower in his homeland of Mordor.

Luckily, Sauron had been able to regain much of his former strength, so that he was fairly omniscient, and could see where the Ring was if someone touched it or put it on. When Saruman and Farquad had told him they were taking over Middle Earth, Sauron jumped for joy...or at least his elongated pupil did. Finally, he could get his vengeance, and get his Ring back all in one day. Not bad, he mused.

For right now, though, they talked and planned through the palantir, and Saruman had begun to build an army to pillage the land and claim it in the name of Saruman the White. A fiery eyeball flashed through his mind. "Sorry!" He said aloud. "In the name of Saruman, Sauron and Farquad." This eyeball thing was getting creepy.