TITLE: Push Away or Pull Close?

AUTHOR: Mystic Amethyst
PAIRING: Catherine/Sara
DISCLAIMERS: Hey, if I owned CSI, then by now, Catherine and Sara would have had their one year anniversary.
RATINGWARNINGS: G-PG
SUMMARY: Catherine's POV, three months after Eddie's death.

Push Away or Pull Close?

Striding into the office, I consider stepping into the locker room first to fix my appearance. Too much overtime recently has not been kind to my face, if the bags under my eyes are anything to go by. A particularly effervescent hug from Linds before I left has knocked my hair slightly awry as well. Ah well, rather awry hair and a hug than beautiful hair and no hug.

Still, I'm running late…again. I really hope Gil doesn't notice….what am I saying? The man will notice, he notices everything. ALTHOUGH….he never reads his memos. I could tell him there's a reason I'm late, and that I put it in a memo. That's just too easy though, plus afterwards I always feel bad about doing it.

At least there's only one case at the moment. Granted, its fairly large, five DBs at the MGM Grand, but at least three CSIs are working on it because its high profile. Grissom, Sara and I…fun!

Working with Grissom is alright. We have an understanding, he processes without emotions, always looking simply at the evidence, and I use both evidence and my emotional intuition to solve a case. Our working relationship is defined. Sara and I…well let's just say the relationship is defined, we speak to each other only when absolutely necessary. Grissom and Sara…well that relationship is interesting. She looks up to him, tries to be the best for him, and caters to all his whims, and he remains oblivious to her. A small smirk crosses my features. Sara Sidle is failing at something…and I'm glad. Mean and small spirited of me…but at least it proves she's human and not a reincarnated goddess.

She sort of told me about the Gil thing when we went out for a drink after Hank two timed on her. She really should have known with an asshole like that. There's enough gossip about him around the labs, but she obviously hadn't heard it. Some people will say I should have told her…but she'd never have believed me. I've been where she was, and trust me… 'de-nial runs deep there'. Anyway, we went to this bar I like for times like that, because it's quiet, and you can sob in peace.

We exchanged stories, I told her about Eddie and all the sleazy guys who were always trying to feel me up while I was still stripping. She talked about this guy called Larry back in San Francisco, and of course Hank. She didn't break down though, which was good. Obviously, she wasn't all that into him. Once she was well and truly pissed, however, she started talking about how much she liked Grissom. I just rolled my eyes, having drunk far more than this when I was stripping, I was still mostly sober. As if that wasn't obvious from her everyday actions anyway.

Tentatively, we had forged the start of a new friendship. The bickering we took part in eased off and I think the lab even stopped placing bets on when one of us would kill the other. Things were going really well, and I was happy. Sometimes, she would smile at me, and I would be happy, because she never smiles very often, and I made her do so. Things were going well.

Famous last words. A month later, Eddie died. I still remember the scared sound of my little girl's voice while I was at the crime scene with Nick. What if I hadn't figured out it was her? What if she had….I shudder away from that thought. She didn't, she's safe at Nancy's.

Breaking all speed limits, FUCK them, my little girl was in danger, I got to her. I rescued her out of that car, which was almost fully submerged in the lake. .As I held her to me, I vowed to find out who was responsible for putting her in that position and I would make them pay No one messes with the wellbeing of my little girl. Later on, they found Eddie dead. My little girl no longer had a Dad. I was even more determined that someone should pay.

Then, that night, watching Sara interview 'the pink haired lady', as Lindsey dubbed her, I was stunned by her audacity. How dare she call Lindsey a stupid, screaming little brat? I was gonna tear that bitch a new one, and I almost did, before Sara pulled me out the room. At the time, my anger was such that I didn't care about my position, and I remember everything I said very clearly

Flashback

"What the hell are you doing? Do you know where you're at right now?"

"I've been here a lot longer than you ..."


"And you should know better."


"And I wouldn't have to be here if you were doing your job properly."


"There is a difference between me doing my job and you wanting to do it
for me. You don't want to get the job done. What you want, right now, is
revenge."


"You're going to tell me what I want, huh?"


"Go home, Catherine. Be with your daughter. She's the one that needs
you."

End Flashback

She was calm and rational, and used the one thing that would pull me out of my angry haze…my daughter. I needed her to be calm right then, and unknowingly, she did it. She succeeded again.

Yet, the one time she really needed to succeed…she failed. Logically, I know it can't be helped. No murder weapon, two liars…no one could solve that case. Not even Grissom. In my mind though, she was perfect Sara Sidle. She could solve anything. Except this. And I blamed her for it.

So in the absence of anyone else to pay for everything that happened that night, she was the most convenient target.

Flashback

"So you're calling it?"

She stopped writing and turned to face me.

"I got two liars and no murder weapon ... and no choice. I'm going to
nail the singer on child endangerment and fleeing the scene, and the dealer goes
up on possession for sale."

"What a great bedtime story for my little girl"

"Cath, I did my best."

I didn't say anything

End Flashback

I implied her best wasn't good enough. Her face crumpled then, and I could see that what I did had hit her hard. I doubted her work…the one thing she lives for. At that moment, all I wanted to do was apologise and hold her, even in the midst of my grief.

Suddenly, I realised why I was so happy at the friendship that had been building, why I was happy when she smiled at me. I was in love with her…I Catherine Willows, was in love with Sara Sidle. It was too much. N top of everything else that night, I couldn't cope with that. So I fled.

Afterwards, I covered my attraction to her, knowing she felt nothing towards me, knowing of her feelings for Grissom. I did so with more scathing comments, making sure she stayed away from me by pretending to doubt the quality of her work. It worked like a charm.

So now, as I enter the break room, and just like three months ago, Nick and Warrick switch off their new console to talk to me. Meanwhile, Grissom comes out of the office, and draws me to one side to talk about our case, and Sara isn't included for some reason, even though she is in the room, reading a journal. It's about the blood splatter, at which I'm the expert, that's why.

Still, as I covertly watch Sara, I see the flash of hurt fly across her face, because she can not hear us and inwardly know I've pushed her yet further away. I should be happy. So why does it feel as if a gaping hole as opened in my chest? Why do I want to hug her close and hold her tight, and never…ever let go?

A/N-Is the continuation OK? Please Review and tell me :).