A/N: SpEcIaL gUeSt!!! R&R.

DISCLAIMER: LotR/Shrek not mine.

ONE SHREK TO RULE THEM ALL

Chapter Twelve: Goodbye Bill, Hello Trouble

Donkey awoke to find himself in motion. Startled, he lifted his head quickly and took in his surroundings. The first thing he noticed was whose back he had been straddling this entire time.

Bill the Pony.

Donkey shrieked like a little girl and scrambled off of Bill's back. Bill the Pony gave a snort of frustration, and turned to see if Donkey was all right. By then, Donkey had scampered away to hide behind Shrek. Bill considered following, but took note of the Ogre's size and decided to trot along quietly behind Sam, like a good horse.

The second thing Donkey noticed was that the walls of the mountain were snow-free, and they were walking beside a large, foggy pond. "Hey!" he exclaimed. "Where are we?"

Gimli patted him on the head. "These are the walls of Moria."

"Moria?" Donkey looked at Gandalf, confused. "But I thought you said we..."

Gandalf rolled his eyes and threw up his hands. "Don't ask me, ask the know-it-alls! They're the ones who are walking to their doom under these darn mountains."

Gimli bristled. "Pardon me, but these are my kin you are talking about. You'll not be finding death here...you'll be treated to a royal welcome by my cousin Balin!"

Pippin spoke up, "What sort of food do they have here? I haven't eaten properly in ever so long!"

Gimli grinned through his red beard. "Malt beer! Red meat off the bone!"

Merry and Pippin looked excitedly at each other and tried to scramble ahead, but Gandalf pushed them back. "Wait! There is a trick to getting into the mines." He muttered some magic words and the sky cleared to let the moon shine through the clouds. The beams fell directly onto what looked to be a glowing door in the mountainside, set with runes and a message across the top in the Elvish language.

"The Doors of Durin. 'Speak Friend And Enter'," read Gandalf, musingly.

"What does that mean?" asked Merry.

"It's simple," replied Gandalf, rolling his eyes again. "There's a password. If you are a friend, you speak the password and enter." Gandalf tried several Elvish words, pausing dramatically between each, but to no avail. He even tried to push on the doors, but they remained closed tightly. He sat down and scratched his head in wonder.

"What are you going to do, then?" asked Pippin and Donkey in unison.

"Bang both of your heads against the doors and hope that shatters them, you fools! Shut up and let me think!" Gandalf screeched at them. He was beginning to understand why Elrond had a perpetual headache around these infernal creatures.

Meanwhile, Sam was crying as Aragorn untied Bill the Pony and urged him to go home. "Oh stop that, you big baby!" said Aragorn, "He knows the way home."

Sam blubbered, "But – but – Goodbye Bill!"

Bill turned and gave Donkey a last longing glance, then sighed and began the long journey homeward.

Shrek leaned over and whispered to Donkey, "Aw, I'm getting all misty-eyed."

Donkey hit him with a hoof.

Merry and Pippin had been trying to skip stones across the pond, and were doing a good job of it until Aragorn grabbed their arms and yanked them backwards. "Do not disturb the water!" he said in a hushed tone.

"Aw," whined Merry. "You're a spoilsport!"

Boromir, who had been resting on a rock, became alarmed at the tone of Aragorn's voice, and peered out across the water. There were ripples on the surface, but they did not appear to come from the stones the Hobbits had been skipping. They appeared to emanate from the center of the pond. He drew his sword and stood. Aragorn also drew his sword, and motioned for the Hobbits to get behind him. The ripples grew larger.

Suddenly Frodo nudged Shrek and said, "It's a riddle! Speak FRIEND and enter!"

Shrek nodded in wonder. "So it is...Gandalf, say FRIEND in Elvish."

Gandalf scowled. "What do Ogres and Halflings know of these things? Why, I come from the Order of the highest..."

"GANDALF! We cannot wait around for this foolish grumbling!" Aragorn called over his shoulder, as he backed away from the pond with the Hobbits. "MELLON!"

The Doors of Durin began to open outward, and the blackness inside, coupled with the stench of death that greeted them, belied the comforts that Gimli had promised them. Gandalf led the way into the dark cavern, and the others tentatively followed. Aragorn, whose eyes were still on the ever larger movements of the water, backed in, sword still drawn.

Donkey sneezed, "Man, is it ever dusty in here! Reminds me of that time when I..."

"DONKEY!!!" Everyone yelled in unison.

"Sorry!" said Donkey meekly.

Frodo held his nose. "Gosh is it ever foul-smelling in here?"

Pippin replied, "Well, I'd say it is right now, actually."

Frodo shoved his friend. "Pippin! That was a rhetorical question. Do you know what rhetoric is?"

Pippin thought a moment, then answered, "A type of poison that tastes faintly of bitter almonds?"

Donkey laughed heartily at this. "Silly! Everyone knows that poison is called Arsenic!"

Merry chimed in cheerfully, "Wrong again! An Arsenic is someone who likes to start fires!"

"Will you shut up a moment, and let us find out where we are?" Legolas called back. Gandalf's staff suddenly began to glow. "Good Manwe! Look at all this!" As the light began to fill the cavern, everyone gasped at what they saw. There were hundreds of dead bodies, most of them Dwarves.

"No!" cried Gimli, rushing over to try to identify the badly decomposing faces. "No!" He raised his hands to the ceiling dramatically. "Noooooooooooo!"

"Aw," Pippin began, crestfallen, "Does this mean no meat and beer?" He ducked as a skull came flying towards his head.

Legolas tried to yank an arrow out of the skull of one of the Dwarves. It wouldn't budge. He yanked as hard as he could, and this time the skull gave way, sending Legolas and the arrow flying to the ground. The Elf leapt nimbly to his feet and smoothed down his hair, and shouted, "Orcs!" Then he threw the arrow down and drew his bow and one of his own.

Frodo looked down as he drew his sword, and noticed that it was glowing blue. Orcs indeed.

The Fellowship collectively backed toward the door again. "We should never have come here!" cried Boromir. "I say we make for the Gap of Rohan!" No one argued this time, just steadily backed outside. They had forgotten about the creature in the water.

But the creature in the water hadn't forgotten about them; it had been waiting for this opportunity. It snaked out a tentacle and grabbed Shrek by the leg. Shrek lost his footing for a second, then shook off the tentacle. Two more reached for him, and the Ogre found himself getting very angry. Shrek turned and let out a big "ROOOOOAAAAARRRRR!!!!!"

The creature turned white, then scampered back into the water. The surface became as smooth as glass. Everyone turned in shock to stare at Shrek. "What?" he shrugged nonchalantly, and brushed himself off.

Suddenly the water was disturbed again, and everyone grabbed his sword, ax or bow instinctively. But this time, the creature merely hurtled an object at the group, before settling back down under the water. The object was large, with flailing arms and legs, and one heck of a loud voice. "AAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!" Crash! The creature landed at Shrek's feet.

It was a woman. A beautiful woman, with red hair and freckles, and she was wearing a green and gold dress, which clung to her, since she had been underwater. Everyone stared. The woman snapped her fingers, pointed to her eyes and said loudly, "Guys! Eyes up here!" Then she smoothed her hair down, adjusted her crown, and curtsied. "I am Princess Fiona. Thank you so much for freeing me from the awful monster in the water! I have been held captive in an airtight cell underwater, and I forever am in your debt." She looked around at each member of the Fellowship. "But which one of you is my rescuer?" Everyone rushed forward at once, except Shrek and Donkey, who rolled their eyes at each other.

"Time out!" called Donkey and everyone stopped in his tracks. "Shrek, over here, is your rescuer, Princess."

"Wha-?" began Shrek. "But I..."

Princess Fiona turned to the Ogre. "Milord Shrek, I am forever in your debt, and I pray that you take this favor..." she extended her handkerchief, and stopped. She had noticed that Shrek was an Ogre. "Eek!"

Shrek took the proffered handkerchief, and mopped his brow. "Thanks!" He handed it back to Fiona, who took it gingerly between her thumb and forefinger.

"Oh no!" she moaned and flopped down to sit on a rock. "This is all wrong!"

A/N: Fiona was the special guest! Sorry if it was anticlimactic...but I didn't intend to put her in the story, actually. LOL. Well, here she is, and now I have to decide whether I want her to stay for the rest of the trip, or try to catch a ride with Bill the Pony. I have the plot for this story figured up, and the last chapters are pretty much written out...it's just the in-betweens I'm working on still. This is where you come in. Reviews and plot ideas are welcome! Flames will be used to make the Balrog's costume look cooler! ;)