"Oh no!" exclaimed Fiona again, her face buried in her hands. "This can't be right. I'm supposed to be rescued by my true love!"
The others stared at her in disbelief. Frodo spoke up. "You mean…you'd rather have been left down there, with that…monster? Just because you didn't get rescued by your true love?"
The Princess nodded, unhappily, and got to her feet. "Goodbye, everyone. I'm sorry to have nearly gotten you all killed." She turned, and began to wade back into the water.
"Hold it right there!" shouted Boromir, rushing to stop her. He grabbed her arm and spun her around. "What if you were rescued by your true love?"
Fiona looked confused. "But my true love, he has to be…"
"An Ogre?" Boromir asked. Everyone looked at him, shocked to hear him saying anything in the Ogre's favor, after the way he had tried to have Shrek killed back in Imladris. Boromir looked around, uneasily. "What? It could happen!"
Donkey stepped forward and cocked his head to the side, thinking. "Wait a minute, you think Shrek is her true love?" Boromir nodded, and Donkey dissolved into giggles. Soon the whole Fellowship was rolling on the rocks, laughing themselves to tears. Even Fiona was mirthfully gasping for breath.
Only Shrek remained aloof, and studied the entrance to the mines of Moria carefully. He took a last look at the foolishness behind him, and made up his mind. He strode through the Doors of Durin, and was soon lost in the black depths of the cavern.
Gandalf sobered up quickly. "Wait, Shrek! Don't go in there! We'll take the road to Osgiliath, in spite of Saruman and Farquad, and we won't have to go down through Moria!" There was no answer.
Fiona rolled her eyes, wiping tears of laughter from her face. "Just leave the big lug. He was starting to freak me out a little, anyway."
Boromir looked panicky again. "But the Ogre has the Ring! He cannot be allowed to simply wander off, unchecked. He will surely take the Ring for himself!"
The Princess looked confused, and Aragorn spoke up, "There is nothing. Boromir is merely very tired and stressed from the long road we have already traveled. I think the spell of these mountains is playing with his mind a little." To Boromir, he mouthed, "SHUT UP!"
Boromir understood; the Princess could be working for the Dark Lord, and maybe she couldn't be trusted. He clamped his mouth shut and turned towards the doors as well; he disappeared into the darkness where Shrek had vanished. The rest of the Company followed suit, and soon they were all inside the caverns except for Fiona. She looked around for a few minutes, and presently, the water on the surface of the pond started to ripple again. She didn't wait around to find out why; she scampered into the dark door in the mountainside.
And nearly knocked someone down.
"Watch it, lady!" came a gruff voice. Shrek had stopped just shy of the door, on the inside of the mine, where there was no light. He had sat down and listened to what the others were saying about him. He decided that Boromir needed to be bumped off first; he disliked Men, rightly enough, but untrusting and suspicious Men were downright loathsome.
Gandalf was now the farthest member to the inside of the mine, so he sighed and decided it was up to him to lead the way. He was the only one who could probably navigate the mines without getting anyone killed. The Wizard placed his hand over the crystal on the top of his staff and it began to glow, illuminating the surrounding area, just enough for them to see where they were going. "Come, we have but little choice now. We must face the long dark of Moria."
Everyone filed into place, Shrek near the front with Gandalf, and the Princess complaining to Aragorn that her feet were not made for this kind of excursion.
"I'm a Princess! Princesses shouldn't have to walk! Why can't I ride him?" She pointed to Donkey.
Donkey turned around. "Because I don't carry passengers."
"You can't talk to me like…" Fiona began in an offended tone, but Aragorn clapped his hand over her mouth.
"I'm a future King. Shut it." He said with finality. Fiona shut it and walked meekly for a time.
This time, Legolas had the misfortune of being paired with Donkey. The four-legged animal had trouble navigating the slippery rock edges, and nearly fell in a time or two. All the while, he was complaining of the dampness ("I could catch pneumonia and die"), the darkness ("I could fall off a cliff and die"), and the smell ("I could suffocate in here and die"). Legolas clenched his teeth and fought to keep himself from fulfilling the ends of those thoughts.
Gandalf paused at the edge of a particularly deep chasm and shone his light down over the edge. "The wealth of the Dwarves was not in gold or jewels…but mithril!" The light bounced over the edges of the walls of the chasm, and shone back silvery and shiny. The group clustered to the edge to look over, and Donkey nearly fell in again.
"Aaaaah! Shrek! Help me!" Donkey screamed.
Legolas caught the animal by the tail and dragged him back up. "Shut up!" He clamped his hands over Donkey's mouth. "You are going to be the death of us all!"
Donkey looked chastened at last, and actually closed his mouth and kept walking. Surprised, Legolas strode ahead as well, and gave the animal a pat on the head as thanks.
Gandalf led them on for a very long time, and nobody spoke, lest they invoke the wrath of the Elf. Finally, the passage wound upward, and divided off into three separate passages.
Gandalf stood before the three doors, a puzzled expression contorting his face in the low light. Shrek noticed the pause and prompted him, "Gandalf? Which way is it from here?"
Gandalf shrugged in confusion and sat on a nearby rock. "I have no memory of this place." He called back to the others, "Rest!" The others gladly plopped down, their feet swollen and tired.
Donkey was trying to find a comfortable spot on a particularly sharp piece of rock, when a sudden movement caught his attention. He turned, startled, to see a small figure darting about on the other side of the chasm they had just crossed. Donkey sprang to his feet and rushed up to Shrek and Gandalf.
"There's something out there! Something's following us. I told you already I didn't like this, and now there's something after us and we're all gonna die, and…"
"DONKEY!" snapped Gandalf. "Knock it off, it's merely the creature Gollum."
"Who?" asked Shrek
"Gollum is drawn by the Ring," Gandalf explained. "At one time, he owned the Ring, before Bilbo, Frodo's uncle, found it in Gollum's cave."
Shrek looked confused again. "I thought it was made by the Dark Lord."
Gandalf rolled his eyes, exasperated. "It was, but then…(sigh)…it's a long story, but trust me, Gollum got hold of it, and now he wants it back."
"What would happen if he did get it back?" Donkey put in.
"The end of Middle Earth as we know it," replied Gandalf, shaking his head. "He would most likely be killed and the Ring would return to its master."
Shrek looked down at the Ring on its chain. It was so…so pretty. "Yesssss," he hissed unconsciously.
Donkey and Gandalf both looked at him in surprise. "What did you say?"
Shrek looked at them, the spell broken for the moment, "Nothing! I was just looking at it."
The other two exchanged a look of understanding, and said no more. Shrek sighed and rolled his eyes. Gandalf suddenly sniffed the air. "Ah! It's this way!"
"He's remembered!" came Pippin's cry from below, followed by a chorus of "Shhhhh!" from the rest of the party.
"No," replied Gandalf, "the air doesn't smell nearly so foul down this way."
Everyone looked at Shrek.
"What?" asked the Ogre, blushing.
A/N: This was a long chapter! Yay! Still with me?