A/N: Thanks for being faithful to review! This may be a long story, lol. Does anyone know how many chapters you can have on ? I'll try not to do the whole movie of LotR…but like I said, it is funny to place Shrek & Co in the same situations the others faced. I may do a few spin-offs…like, leave out parts, and do whole stories on them later, one-shots maybe. Let me know! For now, read and enjoy!

ONE SHREK TO BRING THEM ALL

Chapter 16: But...Why are the Orcs Gone?

Back in Moria, everyone was waiting tensely, swords drawn and arrows cocked and ready. All except Princess Fiona and Donkey, who were unarmed. Donkey turned pale and ran to hide behind Shrek.

Fiona bravely stood her ground.

Aragorn looked around, and noticed the Princess standing near him, ready to fight. "Pardon me, your Highness," he began with a puzzled look. "You might want to take cover. This could be a deadly battle."

Fiona fumed. "Whom do you think you are addressing, Ranger?"

Legolas piped up. "He is no mere Ranger –"

"Legolas, now is not the time!" Aragorn looked daggers at the Elf, who gulped and fell silent. He turned back to Fiona. "I will protect you, fair Princess!"

The other males looked at each other, and as one, rushed to Fiona's side.

"No, I'll help her!"

"You?! I can protect her better than you can!"

"Not by the hair on your footy-foot-foot! She's mine!"

While all this commotion was going on, the Orcs had taken down the door and had begun to sneak up on our heroes. This was easy to do, since now they were all clustered into a group around Fiona. The Orc leader silently motioned, "One…two…three…" They all lifted their weapons to strike…and…

"HEEEEEEEEEEYAH!" Fiona had crawled out of the group of heroic guys, without them even noticing, and had karate-chopped several of the orcs at once. They fell to the ground.

The other Orcs, and the band of heroes, all stood still with their mouths wide open in shock. Fiona paused. "Who's next?"

Two more Orcs looked at each other and grinned evilly. They began to advance on the Princess, who kicked both of them squarely in the chest with a roundhouse kick. More Orcs came at her, and again, she laid them all out.

The Fellowship just stood there gaping at the scene. Aragorn dropped his sword with a CLANG! Legolas accidentally let fly his arrow, and it flew out of control, bouncing off of the walls.

Orc after Orc came into the fight with the Princess, who punched, kicked, head-butted, and slapped with her long red braid, until they were all lying in a circle at her feet, unconscious.

Fiona stopped, breathing heavily, and smoothed her hair down. She turned to address the Fellowship. "Shall we?" She began to walk out the door, in the direction they had entered.

Shrek was the first to recover his voice. "Hold the phone!"

"What's a phone?" Pippin whispered to Merry.

"It's obviously a weapon, Pippin," Merry replied with authority.

Sam looked confused. "I thought it was a modern device used to transmit sounds over long distances, used for communication."

Merry rolled his eyes. "Samwise, don't be an idiot. That's an e-mail."

"Ohhh," chorused Frodo, Sam and Pippin, thoughtfully.

Meanwhile, Shrek had caught up with Fiona. "How did you do that?" He asked her, befuddled.

Fiona rolled her eyes. "Well, when one is traveling with ten useless men, apparently it's good to know these things, in case there's….there's an arrow in your butt!"

Shrek looked confused. He glanced around her slight frame, to see what she meant. "There's no arrow in your butt. What are you talking about?"

Fiona sighed and pointed. "NO! There's an arrow in YOUR butt!"

Shrek did indeed have Legolas' arrow protruding from his nether region. "Well, would you look at that?" He glared at the Elf, who gulped again and made himself suddenly busy with something over by Balin's tomb.

"Well," said Gandalf, coming forward. "It has to come out." The Wizard did not look at all happy with the prospect of pulling something out of the Ogre's butt. Neither did anyone else, and they all stayed put. The Wizard glowered at them all. "Well, don't everyone help him at once!" The party reluctantly came forward.

Sam took one look. "Blood…is that blood? I think I'm gonna…" and fainted dead away.

Donkey rolled his eyes. "Hmmph! Some people can't stand the sight of a little….blood?" He paled as well, and fainted.

"Anyone else want to pass out, before we get on with things?" Gandalf asked grouchily. Legolas raised his hand. Gandalf nodded to him, and the Elf's eyes rolled back into his head, and he fell over onto the tomb of the Lord of Moria. Gimli made a motion as if to behead the Elf for defiling the grave of his ancestor, but changed his mind, and instead kicked him off of it with a grunt.

"How about you, Cuddy Wuddly Fluff?" Gandalf growled at Aragorn. The future King of Men looked a little pale, but shook his head and mouthed, "I'm fine."

"All right," continued the Wizard, "if all the pansies are out of the way, then let's get to work on removing this arrow from Shrek's…um…rear."

"Oy gevalt," muttered Shrek, but stood still and humored the Grey Wizard. He had seemed very cranky of late.

Gandalf rolled up his sleeves and muttered a spell over the arrow, then stood back to see what happened. The arrow twitched, and Shrek yelped, then it was still again. "Hmm," mused Gandalf. "I wonder why that didn't work. That was my all-purpose 'Remove Arrow From Bum' spell."

"Maybe the magic doesn't work on Ogres!" Pippin threw in.

Gandalf glared at the Halfling. "Peregrin Took! If I want your opinion, I'll give it to you!" Pippin fell silent. The Wizard thought a moment. "Hey…I have it! Maybe the magic doesn't work on Ogres!"

Pippin clapped with glee. "Oh, great idea, Gandalf! How do you come up with these things?"

Gandalf preened his beard with pride. "I'm very wise, young Peregrin." He turned back to Shrek. "I guess we'll just have to pull it out." Gandalf advanced on the Ogre, who dodged.

"Oh no, you don't!" Shrek yelled.

"But it has to come out!" replied Gandalf. "Now hold still!"

"No!"

The Wizard chased the Ogre all around the room, hopping over the dead Orcs and dodging the passed out party members. The rest of the Fellowship cheered them on, some chanting for Gandalf, and others for Shrek. Finally, Gandalf backed Shrek into the corner by the door. He advanced slowly. Shrek looked scared, and held his hands over his butt to protect himself. Suddenly…

YANK! "OW!!!"

Everyone turned to look at who had pulled the arrow from Shrek's derriere. Then most of them screamed.

They had forgotten about the Cave Troll.

To be continued!!