A/N: Wow! Almost 100 reviews! I feel special. :-D I apologize for the long wait for an update. Thanks for sticking it out with me, and I'm trying to keep it interesting and funny. I love you guys!
Chapter 17: Donkey Barbecue
The Cave Troll stood there for a second or two, looking at the arrow in its hand as though it had never before seen the like of it. Then it tossed the arrow aside and grabbed Shrek by the shoulders, as if to throw him as well.
Shrek, however, was very solidly built, and stood his ground. He grabbed the Troll and threw him over his shoulder, slamming it into the white tomb of Balin. The tomb splintered and a scream filled the air.
Gimli lost himself for a moment, and started beating on both Shrek and the Troll, until Shrek finally conked him on the head with a piece of the tomb. The blow to the head didn't knock him out, but did however, make him aware of the enormity of the two creatures he was attempting to fight. "Um…hi, nice day for a fight, eh?" He backed away, whistling.
The commotion awakened the passed-out party members, who rushed to gather with the others, away from the battle scene. "They're fighting!" shouted Legolas.
"Thank you, Captain Obvious!" muttered Gandalf, smacking the Elf upside the head.
"Hey! Watch the hair!" Legolas smoothed his hair down and stuck his tongue out at the grouchy Wizard.
Shrek had unsheathed his sword again, and grabbed the weapon of a fallen Orc as well. With two swords, he was still barely able to fend off the Cave Troll, who was using a chain to try to beat Shrek into submission. The Ogre rolled and dodged, and the Troll's chain soon made a mess of the stone artwork in the room. Gimli shook his head sadly, thinking of how his ancestors' masterpieces wouldn't be seen by anyone ever again.
Meanwhile, Pippin emerged from a dark corner of the room. "Hey! Anyone want some popcorn?" The other Hobbits gathered eagerly around him.
"Where did you find that?" Boromir asked, looking a little sick.
"Over behind the well," came Pippin's prompt answer, around a mouthful of popcorn.
"Um…isn't it rather…" began Fiona, also looking green.
"…Old?" finished a nauseous Legolas.
"It tastes pretty good to me," Sam replied and the other three Hobbits nodded their agreement. The others decided to leave them alone; it probably wasn't worth arguing over, and besides, they were missing a good fight between an Ogre and a Cave Troll. That wasn't something you saw every day.
The Cave Troll had finally backed Shrek into a corner, and was beating the area all around him with the chain. Columns and big chunks of rock were tumbling all around the Ogre, and he found himself having to dodge them as well as the chain. He was sweating profusely, and he finally caught sight of the others, just standing around watching. "You guys? A little help?" He rolled his eyes and pointed to the Troll
Legolas jumped onto the Cave Troll's head and shot two arrows straight down into its skull. The Troll staggered and growled, and Legolas jumped back down. While its mouth was still open, Legolas fired another arrow, which went through the roof of the Troll's mouth and into its brain. The Troll fell and twitched, then was still.
Shrek glared at Legolas. "That was all it took?! Why didn't you do that in the first place?"
The Elf shrugged and smoothed his hair again. "You didn't ask."
Shrek threw his hands up. "I didn't think I had to! Oy. Let's get out of here."
Gandalf led them all out of the room, and into the great hall again. They appeared to be headed for a door at the end of the hall, and through it, Shrek could see flames. "Is that room on fire?" he asked the Wizard.
"No," replied Gandalf. "It's probably just the Balrog." He stopped, and then smacked himself on the head. "The Balrog!"
Pippin whispered, "Merry, what's a Balrog?"
Merry replied, "It's a green thing that hops around and eats flies."
Sam put in, "I heard once that you can get warts from them."
"Oh."
Gandalf appeared to be confused as to what to do. Shrek prompted him, "So…now what?" The Ogre ducked as the Wizard's staff came flying at his head.
"I don't know!" screeched Gandalf. "We must go through that door and down the stairs, to the bridge."
"Oh," said Boromir, sarcastically. "That sounds great." He screamed back at the Wizard, "Have you lost your mind?! Do you not remember what an important quest we're on?"
Fiona spoke up, "You guys are on a quest? What kind of a quest?"
Shrek started to answer, but Aragorn clapped a hand over his mouth. "We're, um, going to try to get his swamp cleared out. There are a bunch of dead people in it, and he, um, he doesn't like it that way."
Shrek removed Aragorn from his vicinity rather forcefully. "I was going to say that, thank you very much." Shrek had picked up on the fact that Aragorn hadn't wanted Fiona to know of the Ring of Power, back on the other side of the mountains. He winked at the Man, and Aragorn looked relieved.
"So…why are we in a mountain? There are no swamps around here for miles." Fiona continued, suspiciously.
Shrek scratched his head, "Um…well…er…I…"
The Princess tapped her foot, arms crossed, and waited for her answer.
Donkey, meanwhile, had gone to investigate the room with fire in it. "I guess I'm going all by myself," he was saying, to keep himself from being afraid. "Gotta find those stairs. Yeah, I'll find some stairs, and kick their butts! Kicked down! Kicked to the curb! Those stairs ain't gonna know which way they're goin'." The animal nervously poked his head around the door, and indeed saw a winding staircase, next to a deep, dark pit, lit only by the flames licking up from below. There was a narrow stone bridge, with a sign next to it that read "Khazad-Dum."
"Hey!" shouted Donkey, ending the fight between Boromir and the Wizard, and stopping Fiona's curious questions. Everyone turned to look. "There's a bridge called 'Khazad-Dum' out here. Is this where we need to go?"
Everyone turned to Gandalf, who appeared only temporarily flustered. "Oh, um, well, of course. I mean, that's what I was trying to say." He glared at Boromir. "This way," he continued, huffily. Everyone marched along after him, trying to be silent, lest they encounter a staff blow to the head or worse.
They had nearly reached the bridge, when there came a great roar behind them. Everyone stopped in his tracks. "Balrog!" yelled Legolas, rather obviously. They took off for the bridge at top-speed. Most of the party got across, and by the time the Balrog had reached the bridge, all were on the other side except Gandalf and Donkey. The Wizard suddenly stopped in his tracks, and whirled around to face the monster. Donkey barreled into the Wizard, almost knocking them both off the bridge.
"Fool of a Donkey!" Gandalf waved his staff angrily. "Next time throw yourself off this bridge."
Donkey prepared to answer, but before he could get a word out, the Balrog had grabbed him by the tail and lifted him into the air. "Help! Balrog!"
Everyone watched in stunned silence, except for Gandalf, who beat a hasty retreat across the bridge while the fiery monster was occupied with Donkey. Shrek bonked the Wizard in the head. "Watch it! That's my good hat!" grumbled Gandalf.
"That's my friend! Go back and get him!" Shrek yelled at the Wizard, pointing back to the bridge.
Gandalf stubbornly shook his head. "This is war! Casualties are inevitable! We have a quest to finish, we must press on!"
Fiona jumped in. "No swamp should be important enough to feed a friend to a Balrog! I'll go myself." No one argued with her, for they were remembering the Orcs back in the room with Balin's tomb. She was probably capable of defending herself.
However, Shrek wouldn't have it. He felt responsible for the animal, and in a weird way, he was sort of fond of Donkey…not that he would have said anything like that to Donkey's face, mind you. The Balrog moved with Donkey into a room just to the side of the staircase. Shrek sighed. "I'm going back. I'm not leaving him to die."
Boromir spoke up. "Ogre…um…" He cleared his throat. "Are there any, well, pieces of jewelry you would like me to hold for you? Just until you get back, I mean."
Shrek glared at Boromir, understanding the Man's intent. "No. This won't take long."
Boromir looked angry for a second, then spotted Fiona watching him with interest, and reddened. "So be it. Please hurry, Ogre."
A/N: I'm sorry this took so long, and I hope to update again in the next couple of days; the next chappie is already written, ready for spell-check. Thanks for the reviews!