I wish my ceiling had tiles because then I could count them as I stare blankly at it, trying desperately not to think of the other night's event. It always manages to sneak back into the foreground of my mind. Sometimes I actually think I dreamt the whole episode but then I check, just to make sure, and my worst nightmare is confirmed all over again. The silence and stillness of my dorm is abruptly interrupted by a knock.
I shyly open the door, I don't want visitors but even still I go to the door and he is standing there. Looking at me with those big blue eyes, begging me to let me in. when I force the door closed in his face, his quick reaction forces himself in. And there we stand in an awkward silence.
He sits and stares from cross the bed towards where I am sat crossed legged on the end of it. His eyes burn into me, as if he is trying to answer questions he needs answering. Like why I haven't returned his calls or why I didn't want to let him in. I don't know why. I haven't felt like seeing anyone or talking to anyone.
I can't even focus on what he's asking me, I can only assume he is asking me what I'm going to do. Or trying to convince me to see a doctor. Telling me everything will be ok. My mind alternates between running wild with thoughts of cancer, death and my mom then in a flash it will be blank and all I can do is stare. It makes it increasingly difficult to hear Pacey's caring words.
He keeps sighing and resting his head in his hands, he looks so hurt. I don't know what to do to stop the pain. All I can do is think of how I haven't seen Audrey for a couple of days and hoping she is ok, or about remembering to listen to Jen's show, or for calling Bessie and Dawson and then of the English essay I think I have due in tomorrow.
As my mind continues to dance from thought to thought I glance up at for one last time. He paces around my room for a minute. He drops a pile of paper on my bed and tells me he's going to come back later. As he walks out of the down, I call to him, begging him to keep this to himself. I'm not ready to share this yet.