Chapter 5
I shyly twist a lock of hair around my finger while consciously remembering to breathe. I am so scared I actually think I might forget to do so. My right hand is gripping the armrest so tightly my knuckles have actually turned white, I always thought that was some fictional reaction.
Although I am trying desperately to concentrate what I am being told, inside I am mentally thanking Pacey for the Internet printouts. The detail of procedures and survival rate depending on when caught, all things I should have remembered spurred me into making a doctor's appointment not long after he had left my place. I'm still very dazed by it all, it is still so surreal. Like I'm watching from above and it is not me who this is happening to. If it hadn't been for Pacey, I would still be lying staring at my ceiling.
The doctor starts asking me questions, when did I find the lump and have I had any other symptoms. I don't know whether having no other symptoms is a bad thing or a good thing. "Does the lump change with my menstrual cycle", "Have I had any previous breast problems" and to "Do I have any children". The question that finally made me realise this is real is "Is there any history of breast cancer in your family?" I couldn't help but cry. My tears spoke volumes.
"It's ok Miss Potter." And I saw the doctor scribble something down. She gave me a moment to collect myself before instructing to take a seat on the bed for a physical examination. With my arm above my head, I closed my eyes and tried to block out what was happening and try to stop the threatening tears. I wished Pacey were here at my side, holding my hand and whispering in my ear that everything will be fine.
The doctor's cold hands left my body and I knew then that I had not imagined the lump. I exhaled very slowly as she told me she'd located the lump and was going to perform a needle test on me. It would remove a sample of cells, which could then be analysed to see if the lump was benign or malignant. I wince I the thought of the needle being the skittish kitten (or so Pacey tells me) but she reassures me it won't hurt.
Ten minutes later I step out of the office, in desperate need of a hug. I wander down the corridor, passing ward after ward, my mind is spinning with thoughts of how I'll get through the next day while I wait for my results. I push open the door to waiting room and glance around. Pacey had driven me all the way to the hospital and even insisted on waiting around for me no matter how long my appointment took. Half an hour later I step back into the room where I left him sat and he is not there.