Welcome to Eternity
A guide written by the common ancient for the common ancient!
Hello Mr or Mrs newly ascended, may I be the first to welcome you to infinity. Now you may be wondering what to do for the next millennia or two. Please do not fret for I am here to help.
I have personally spent the last 8,379 years personally enjoying the delights of the whitest area in existence, simply to help you the newly ascended being to enjoy your eternity. Now you may be thinking, what are the rules, what can I do and not do with the power of a god? Well here are a few simple rules to abide by:
1) Do not interfere in the lives of the mortals, we all know how entertaining it is to blow up women's skirts in the street and poke Apophis in the head while he is doing his thing, but please refrain from doing so.
2) Now under any circumstances please refrain from spitting into the primordial soup, we understand how impressive it is to show your girlfriend how you changed all of existence, but it takes the cleaning crew several millennia to rewrite history in your wake.
3) Do not play with the light controls of existence, many ascended beings are enjoying themselves in eternity and do not want to have to change the colour of their sunglasses.
4) When inviting mortals into eternity, please change existence into a building or a park, then pretend that its so they can "comprehend" it. We need to keep up a clever appearance.
Now that you know the do's and don'ts of existence may I suggest some of the more interesting activates you mar partake in.
Every 50 years Aphrodite holds her annual big gay nude picnic. May I take this time to remind you that we have no good or bad, and seeing as god does not exist please feel free to partake in new experiences free of your parent's ridiculous upbringing. Events in the picnic include the cross dress competition, the naked 78 legged race, the 30x30 mile nude twister game as well as the infamous penis piñata.
This event fills up very fast with brightly decorated whips of light, unfortunately during the picnic only human form is permitted to avoid any inconvenient species inadvertently being created. This is due to the unfortunate creation of the wraith, and I would like to apologise to the 7,358,135,065,247,273,052,646,92,275,109,362,467,247,824,842,865,651,190,014,468,061,805,346,590,653,050 victims that I accidentally killed.