She goes into hospital today. Yet all I can do is stand here staring silently and vacantly, dicing up the vegetable in front of me. I know in my heart I should not be here. Hell even my head is telling me that I should be by her side, holding her hand and telling her she'll be fine.
But the thought, no make that fear, of rejection terrifies me to my very core. Odd though, because it wouldn't be the first time Miss Potter has rejected the advances of Pacey J Witter. We've been in the position so many times before. Caught in a vicious cycle of having feelings for each other while being in relationships. And all this is in spite of knowing that our own relationship, just like in the Jeff Buckley song, is never over. I think we both realise that, that there will always be a spark. At least I do. It is destined to confuse and torment us for years to come.
But right now, given the situations we are in, it is more confusing than ever before and has the possibility it cause more hurt to us before than we're caused to each other in the past.
Although every part of my being is telling me to drop this knife and rush out of work, I can not help but feel my presence at the hospital will do more harm than good. We haven't spoken since the kiss. I haven't stopped thinking about her since then. And despite how wrong it felt at that moment in time, it is what I want to do every time I see her. And although it should have happened then, I regret pulling away. Would it have been three days since we last spoke if I hadn't? Would we still be friends? Would we be more? Who knows, but we would have figured it out. Yet instead we do the usual and run away.
I have to sort things out with Audrey. I'm going over tomorrow, on my day off. And I will sit outside that dorm until I see her. Even it's just to end things or to work through them, I will talk to her. Then I can focus on being there for Jo.