It's a little after 10.30am when I wake. I stretch and look around my room. It feels so good to be home, or as close to home as I can be living in Boston. I left the hospital two days ago. Two days after my operation. I couldn't lie in that room any longer. I practically begged the doctor to discharge me. There was no point in staying. I'd only be there waiting for results and I would rather have kept myself busy than thinking about what could be over and over.
I glance over at Audrey's bed. She's not there. She hasn't been for days. That's not to say she hasn't seen me. She's been here in the day, only during the day and usually during her lector times. At night she leaves. Probably because it is at night Pacey visits me and I know things aren't well between them at the moment.
He stays most nights now. Not on purpose. It kind of just happens. One minute we will be talking and then it is morning and I am waking to find him curled up in Audrey's bed. It must be weird for him to sleep there. It should be weird for me to have him stay given our history. But it's comforting. But as usually he has up and left before I awake.
I stretch and wrap my bathrobe around me, shutting out the cold morning air. Barely lifting my feet off the floor, I shuffle over to my desk and sit. The calendar pinned to the wall has today ringed in bright red marker. Like you see in TV shows. It's like a warning sign, potentially dangerous. In front of me is a hastily written note.
i"Jo,
I've had to go into work for a few hours. I'll be back to pick you up around 4 o'clock though, don't worry.
Pace"/i
I read it a couple of times. Not through lack of understanding but because of the overwhelming feeling of being cared for that washed over me. The outcome of today might not be what I want it to be but I know that whatever happens I have him. With a smile I take the small square of paper and go to my closet. It's so clique but at the back, tucked deeply behind some old clothes on a high shelf is an old shoebox. I promised myself I wouldn't be like one of the teenagers from TV but after Pacey and mine's break up I wanted somewhere to old the good from our time together.
I slide the note in amongst movie stubs, secretly passed notes and other memories we picked up over our one summer together. It is in that moment as I remember all our magical times, that I must go alone to the hospital. A part of me doesn't want him there if it is bad news. Like I'd be tainting our past with sadness if that were to be one of our final memories.
With the box hidden back in its place, I glance around my room. How do I kill the next few hours? Do I do something to take my mind off my impending appointment, running the risk of forgetting about and being late? Or do I worry about every little detail? I wondered what my mother would have done.
I glance at the clock, he'll be finishing work in a few hours. I quickly find myself an outfit for the day. Something not to depressing but something not too optimistic. Neutral. I opt for jeans and a dull red sweater. With a deep breath I dial his apartment number. I know he's at work but an answer machine can not argue with me and by the time he gets the message it will be too late to do anything. As I put the phone back on it's receiver I suddenly feel suffocated in my dorm room. I grab my coat and make a dash from the door.
Jealousy hits me as I walk around campus. Students everywhere without a care. The only worries they have regard midterms, finals and relationships. How I long for that. At this moment in time I don't know which path I am on. The one for a long and happy life might suddenly be closed to me.
Needing to escape I head out of campus and find myself a tiny, cosy coffee-house where nobody knows me. In there I hide from the world until I need to get the bus out to the hospital.
The bus ride is longer than a car ride. I now only hope I have left myself plenty of time to get there and find the right ward. What if I get there too late and say I can not have my results? How will I get through another day of not knowing? They wouldn't do that, they couldn't do that.
The building looms before me, casting a vast shadow over the parking lot. Panis runs wild through my vains. The automatic doors swallow me as I near. The over powering smell of disinfectant hits me. It makes me want to run back to fresh air and not face this. But I think of him, knowing he'll be worrying and continue for him.
Inside is just as cold as outside. The main reception is busy so I take a seat on a numbing plastic chair. Soon the person moves and I step forward. The unsmiling receptionist directs me to my ward. Second floor; take the elevator, turn left then straight down that corridor. Why must hospital reception staff be so military like? With a small smile of thanks I follow the coldly worded directions and before long find myself where I should be.
This ward is the polar opposite of the cold draughty reception. Worn yet inviting looking sofas litter the waiting area. The staff smile at you as they pass. The receptionist here tells me the doctor will see me in just a moment and point me in the direction of the sofas. I stare into the polystyrene cup that I hold and at the cooling coffee I can not bring myself to drink. Time passes slowly. Then suddenly my name is called.
I will be forever in debt to him for forcing me to do something about this, whatever the outcome. The doctor smiles at me while she holds open her office door. Is that a smile out of sorrow or happiness? I've been here before, in this office. Not long ago. Probably only about a week or two ago. It seems so very long ago. Which means it's only been two at the very most since I walked home that night only to be later found by Pacey curled up in the freezing shower. Who knows how long I would have been sat there if he'd never came along. Would I be sat in this doctor's office today? Would I have ignored the problem, hoping it would go away?
center/center
The bus journey home is quicker than going there. The day is drawing to an end; the sun casts a beautiful pink glow over the clouds as it sets behind the grey stone buildings. Yet I am numb.
I about going straight back to my dorm and sleeping. Then I think I should ring Bessie with the news. But I know she'll be in tears and I couldn't cope with that over the phone. So instead I head to his, I crave physical contact.
I step into their apartment; the door is left unlocked. My friends stare at me for a second before he