I awake early or at least awake earlier than she does. It is a little past ten in the morning. I slide into my crumpled jeans and tug my T-shirt over my head. On her desk I find a pad of paper and a pen. I quickly scribble a note for her before grabbing my coat and leaving.
Over the past couple of nights I have stayed with her in her dorm. Ever since she stubbornly discharged herself from hospital. Every night I intended to leave once she had fallen asleep. But after I pulled the duvet up around her, I always ended up watching her sleep for a few hours before deciding just to climb into the bed of my ex-girlfriend.
"How odd?" you might all think. And it is. I am sleeping in my most recent ex-girlfriend's bed having just watched my other ex-girlfriend fall asleep. It's a mind fuck. If you didn't know the circumstances, you would think it odd. In fact the morning after the first night it happened, that very thought haunted me all day.
But it is the thought of Audrey walking in that scares me even more then that thought confused me. I haven't seen or spoke to her since our little showdown that ended our relationship. And in some weird, twisted way, I don't think I want her catching me here out of fear of hurting her. Just a little backwards even if I do say so myself. She is never home at night now. I know she must come back during the day as Joey as told me that she is now seeing another guy and crashes most nights at a off campus friend's. And I don't care that she has moved on so very quickly. My mind is a mass of confusing and contradicting thoughts.
I am so lost in my private chaos that it is a bit of a shock to literally run into Jen. She has been more than a friend to Joey lately, having lived through this before. She is the rock Joey needs when I am not there. Her eyes look up at me through the blonde waves with a mixture of happiness and sorrow. She knows that things between Joey and me are better than ever right now. She's always been the observant one. But while that brings her happiness, we both know that today is the day Joey receives her test results back, and we will all find out if there is more pain to come.
Jen places a quick comforting kiss on my cheek while telling me that she is late for pop culture then runs off. A mass of blonde waves following and as I watch her go I feel happy nothing ever happened between us. We are untainted.
Work is repetitive. Slice, dice, chop. I'm going through the motions as I count down the hour until I can finally leave. I've been here ten minutes so far. I only have a four hour shift today. Slice, dice, chop.
The closer leaving time gets, the happier I get. I work faster; hoping that anything will shave a few minutes off the length of my shift. It's the thought of her that motivates me. I'm optimistic that everything will be ok.
On my way home from work my mind continues to wander. Sometimes it thinks the worst case scenario, it not getting caught in time and death. Then it flips and continues thinking what I did when I was as work, it was caught in time and she'll be fine. Then it will think the near impossible, that Joey and me are finally back on the same path, and can be happy together at last. It's a dream, it won't happen now. We are at an odd point in our lives when things are unknown and doors are opening all around us. In the future maybe.
I am meant to pick her up in about an hour to take her to what will hopefully be her last hospital appointment. Of course she protested, but I want to be there.
I don't even think of checking my machine when I walk through the door, I'm in too much of a rush and assume that jack will have taken messages for me. Instead I head straight for the shower, wanting to wash away my worries. It occurs to while I am in there that Jack takes pop culture with Jen. I grab a pair of boxers and while rubbing my hair dry with a towel, I go check my messages. I only have half an hour.
i"Hey Pace, you're not home yet I know. Listen, I know you really wanted to drive me this afternoon and I really appreciate the thought but this is something I have to do alone. Don't ask me why. I'll call you this evening."/i
I flop on to my sofa, feeling defeated. This was a moment in her life that could change everything, a moment she'll remember forever. And I wanted to be there and support her so she'd always remember she wasn't alone. Instead I am left to sit here all evening, worrying. Or do I call her now? Convince her she needs me? Maybe she doesn't need me; maybe I just need her. I'm lost.
My afternoon is spent in a daze of worry. Jack can not part me from the couch or Bertha's remote. Tv only serves to distract me for moments at a time. Without such a form of distraction my afternoon would have been spent wandering around our apartment with worry, checking my cell and answer machine for messages.
How long do these kinds of appointments last? Logic suggests that the kind with good news would be over quickly whereas the kind no one wants to attend would be longer, full of explanation.
It is almost 6 o'clock and I have not heard anythig from her. I am starting to fear the worst. She's been readmitted I know, she hasn't had chance to call us yet. It's spread. We didn't catch it in time. If only I had forced her to the hospital the minute she told me.
I am so convinced this worst case scenario is real that I actually start to hunt for the number of the hospital. Just so I can call and check on her. Jack and Jen walk into the apartment as I am in the process of thumbing through the directory. Jen prises it from my fingers and orders me to put some pants on. I am still not dressed from my shower.
Having followed her order and pulled on a pair of clean camouflage pants, I walk back into the living room to rejoin my friends. She stands there, still and teary eyes. Without a thought I leap over whatever furniture obstructs my path to hug her. Jack and Jen are soon by our side.
"It's…" she starts to sob as she speaks and I want nothing more than to be in her shows. Anything to stop her feeling pain.
"Over" I take a step back and scan her face. "We caught it in time, I'm going to be ok." I grab her once more and fly her around the room.
center/center
She sleeps tucked up in my bed. She looks so peaceful, like the weight of the world has been lifted from her small frame. I don't know what happens with us now. I don't even know if there is an us here. I'm just thankful she is fine.