Chapter 2
Nikki: The boys wake up the next morning to the sounds of Mrs. Weasley's voice from behind the door.
Mrs. Weasley: (sweetly) Wake up boys, it's the first day of school.
(sleepy grunts)
Mrs. W: (still sweetly) Come on boys, you don't want to be late for school.
(more sleepy grunts)
Mrs. W: (a little annoyed) Boys………
(snores)
Mrs. W: ………..
(more snores)
Mrs. W: GET THE HELL OUT OF BED!!!!!!
Nikki: (drinking chocolate milk) The boys are enjoying a nice breakfast when in walks Hermione wearing a miniskirt.
(gasps from the audience)
(Nikki suddenly realizes what she just said and spits out her chocolate milk)
(Harry starts choking on his eggs, Ron drops his toast and his jaw,somewhere a wedding ceremony stops and a mother-in-law screams in horror.)
Hermione: What?!
(blank stares)
Hermione: What's wrong?!
(Nikki makes a cough that sounds oddly like "slut")
SLAP!!
(Harry and Ron decide not to say anything)
Nikki: (holding an ice pack to her face) The trio packs into the car Hermione got for her birthday. This year Harry was going to drive them to the train station. Earlier, Hermione changed out of the skirt that made her look like a—
(Hermione glares at her)
Nikki: -- nice person.
Ron: This is so awesome! We get go by ourselves! I love this independent thing.
Harry: (closes the trunk) Well, I think that's it. Everybody got everything?
Ron: Oh! I think I forgot the cond—
(Harry and Hermione look around in surprise.)
Ron: Er- I- I mean…..um….t-the c-cond-(his voice creaks) c-condiments.
Harry and Herms: Sure.
Hermy: I call shotgun!!
Nikki: (horrified) Shotgun?! Where?!
Hermione: I mean the front seat.
Nikki: (relieved) Sorry, it's a Mexican thing.
Harry: Okay! Let's hit the road!
Nikki: Harry starts the car, then hears a bumping noise.
Harry: What's that bumping noise?
Ron: I think it's coming from outside Hermione's door.
Hermione: Ugh!
Harry and Ron: What is it?
Hermione: It's that horny gnome!
Ron: Harry, hit the gas!
SCREECH!!
Distant Gnome Voice: (singing) I'm too sexy for my lawn, too sexy for my grass, to sexy for my fer-ti-lizer……………………………
PERIOD OF SILENCE
Nikki: The trio are ten miles down the road when Hermione needs to go to the bathroom.
Hermione: I need to go to the bathroom.
Harry: We just left the house!
Hermione: I HAVE TO GO NOW!!
(Harry pulls over at the gas station.)
5 miles later
Herms: I got to go again.
Harry: BUT Y—
Herms: (evil glares)
10 miles later
Hermione: I gotta go.
7 miles later
Nikki: By the time they reach the train station Hermione had gone to the bathroom 52 times. The trio go through Platform 9 ¾ , and board the Hogwarts Express.
Ron: Aha! The last empty compartment!
Hermione: Ew! It's gross in here!
Harry: Well, if you didn't have the bladder of a water chesnut, maybe we would have gotten here quicker, and we could've gotten a nicer compartment.
Hermione: Hey! When a girl's gotta go, a girl's gotta go!
Harry: Well, a girl doesn't "gotta go" that much.
Nikki: Hey, hey! Settle down guys. It's all fun and games untill someone loses a uterus.
Harry, Ron, and Hermione: (confused) What?
Ron:(to Harry) Do we even have a uterus?
Harry:(confused) I don't know?
Hermione: (slaps her forehead) Merlin! This is going to be a long year.