Ram sat swaying with the boat, one hand on his up-drawn knee, his other leg extended before him. He was engaged in one of his favorite pastimes, well pastime wasn't accurate, it was bordering on obsession at this point.

"If you stare any harder, you're going to bore a hole and then where will you be?" Slade smirked at him.

Ram swung his head around, mouth hanging open. Slade took the opportunity to slide down the wall and sit next to him.

"You might want to close that; flies and all." Slade chuckled when Ram closed his mouth, coloring up.

The younger boy muttered under his breath, glaring at Slade, but it wasn't long before like a magnet, his eyes were pulled back to the vision that had been haunting him since they had boarded this barge to nowhere. The vision that remained just out of reach.

"Why don't you talk to her? From what I've seen, she's a real sweetheart, kind, loving; just look at her with her little girl."

Ram did as directed, green fire blazing from his eyes, as if he thought that if he stared long enough, hard enough, he could make his dreams happen. The intense longing that covered his face was so intimate, almost painful to watch. But watch Slade did, he had forced this display and he could not be squeamish about it now. Ram finally tore his eyes away, gritting his teeth, fists clenched at his sides, a picture of thwarted desires, unfulfilled dreams.

"Why won't you go to her? You know you want to, and I know she'd be open to it, so why—"

"Because I can't! You know my past, and so does she; there's no way she would have me. The things that I've done, the people I've hurt. Her little girl is the most important thing in the world to her and because of me they were separated. Brady was captured during one of the raids I instigated to round up participants for The Game and Paradise. I was so caught up in my quest for a perfect world and now look what it's done. We've all lost our homes, and friends and—"

"And nothing. Ram, we all have a past. You, me, even Trudy. We have all done things we aren't proud of." Slade didn't think that his words were getting through to the younger boy. He pressed a hand to Ram's shoulder.

"Do you know about The Chosen?"

Ram blinked at Slade, thrown by the question. "Yeah, they were some Zoot worshipping cult. Last force to invade the City before the Technos; taken out by the Mallrats. What do they have to do with anything?"

"Did you know about The Supreme Mother?"

"Who?"

Slade stretched as much as space would allow, then began his tale, relating Trudy's involvement with The Chosen, her treatment of the Mallrats, the betrayal and mistreatment of her best friends…all of it. Ram listened to it all in silence, finally looking at Trudy in contemplation at the end.

"I know it must come as a shock, what I just told you, it's a lot to digest; don't you have anything to say?" Slade prodded the quiet.

"It-it is a lot to think about, to process. I need a little time to wrap my head around what you've told me. It's like I'm seeing Trudy in a completely new light, you know?"

The former loner nodded, replying. "I get you. I had to do the same when I found out about Ebony." He rose to his feet. "In time, if you want to talk, I'm willing to listen."

Ram nodded, waving him off. He heard Slade's words and filed them away for later. Right now, he had more pressing matters to ponder on. Trudy wasn't the total innocent he had pegged her for. The things she must have seen, all that she had done, he could relate. They weren't so different, she and he. They had both changed the City, ruled it and in doing so hurt people. Was that enough of a reason though? Was that really something they could build a relationship on? He didn't have the answers. Hell, he didn't even know if Trudy saw him the way he saw her. He hoped, but all he had to go on was that one moment. What if he had read into it more than it was?

FLASHBACK

He thought he had read the signals right, but how to know for certain? He couldn't just ask her and asking Slade to do it was simply too middle school. The more he thought about it, the less it made sense and soon he was sure he had imagined it all. His head fell back against the wall and he banged it as he mentally chastised himself for his folly. Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid…

"You know, there are better, not to mention more efficient ways to crack your head open, if you are determined to do so."

He raised his head, meeting the twinkling eyes that laughed at him. His immediate response was anger that she would have the audacity to ridicule him, but then absurdity of the situation dawned on him and he had to laugh.

"Naw, my head is definitely too hard to be cracked by anything on this boat; all that's holding it together is a wish, a prayer and duct tape. I'd be more concerned about me damaging it."

She laughed at his joke, and felt it in his gut, the melodic tones falling on him like a benediction.

"Where's Brady?" He asked, looking around for Trudy's usual attachment.

She raised a brow at him. "I didn't think you knew her name."

"Oh, I know all sorts of things."

She stared at him, as if uncertain how to take his response. "I'll just bet you do," she said finally, and then continued. "Brady wanted to spend some time with her Auntie S'lene"

"Oh." He looked thoughtful.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Her gaze narrowed.

"It's just that—" He shook his head. "Never mind, it's stupid."

She hit him on the shoulder. "Tell me."

He glanced at his shoulder then returned his gaze to her. "Teach me to get between you and what you want."

She raised a fist at him. "That's nothing. Now tell me already."

"It' just, I wonder, why me? I know you love Brady, but I also know you need a break sometimes, so I wonder, why you came over here to me?" His voice was unusually soft and uncertain, his eyes large and seeking.

"Oh."

He stared at her unblinking.

"Yes, well…because I wanted to." Her voice was almost a whisper. She bit her lip nervously; the ball was now in his court and she awaited his return.

He swallowed the large lump that had suddenly taken up residence in his throat. "You did?"

She nodded slowly.

"But I thought, everything I've done, I've hurt your friends, the virus—"

"The virus wasn't your fault! If Mega hadn't made it, we would all still be at home." Her intensity surprised him. "And, and Jay and Amber wouldn't be themselves if it wasn't for you. I don't want to hear anything else on the subject, and that is that!" She jabbed a finger at his chest.

He grabbed her hand, holding it tenderly. "I won't say another word, I promise, except…"

"Except what?" Urgency still colored her voice.

"Except…I-I love you. Your amazing capacity for love, your loyalty, your smile, your eyes, your hea—mmph!"

Whatever else he had been about to say, was gone, lost as his mind was under the sheer emotion of the kiss.

"Cliched I know, but astonishingly effective." She panted, her breath a moist heat across his still-damp lips.

He made an indecipherable sound of inquiry and she giggled. "Maybe I should patent these kisses."

At last more cognizant, he replied, "Maybe you should; if I had had your skills at my disposal, conquering the City would have been much easier. The kids would probably have been racing to sign up for The Game or Paradise."

Trudy glared at him, hitting him on the shoulder again.

"I was just kidding, I swear. Just a little former despot humor." He rubbed his shoulder.

"Well all that is in your past, right?" She rubbed noses with him. "Right?"

"I won't lie to you. I don't know. I get ideas all the time. It sorta goes with this genius-sized brain of mine. I can't control—you know what, this was a terrible idea, forget I said anything." He pushed up, beginning to rise, only to be shoved back down.

"Okay, so you can't control your thoughts, you CAN control how you act upon those thoughts. Believe me, I know. And if you think for one second that I'm going to allow you to be that person ever again—"

"Trudy…"

"Whatever it is, it can wait. I know how tempting it is, how easy it would be to give in, but you can't. You have to fight, if not for yourself, then for everyone else, for the others, for Brady and Baby Bray, and dammit, for me, because I love you."

She collapsed against him, sobbing noisily on his shoulder. Ram patted her back gently.

His soft-spoken words were an endless litany, a commitment to change.

"Never again; not for any price. Never again, I promise, never again."